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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Badly behaved twin and party invite

151 replies

PMDD · 29/09/2013 08:05

My dd will be having a party in a few weeks to be held at home. There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.

One of the children is a girl with a twin brother who is in a different class. My dd has invited the girl but not the boy. The reason is that the boy is increadibly badly behaved and would be a nightmare to manage.

The mother of the twins has asked if her son can come as well as her daughter, as her daughter is invited places but not her son and it is difficult for her to manage. I really really don't want him to come. More to the point, neither does my dd. All because of his behaviour.

I am really annoid to be put in this position by the twins mother.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 13:50

Actually if its my DDs party then yes she invites who she wants. And I am sorry but if she doesn't want to invite a child then so be it. I will not be forcing her to invite anyone. It's her birthday.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/09/2013 13:54

Just say you dont have any room for siblings and that parents are encouraged to drop off and leave.

I'd never dream of asking to bring an extra guest even if paying for them, its not fair on the host or birthday child and very cheeky.

DragonMamma · 29/09/2013 13:54

YANBU

If it was a hall type party I would be inclined to say yes but as it's at home, he's not even her friend and there are behavioural issues I think you are well within your rights to say no.

My DD is a similar age and there's a lovely little girl in her class who she gets on great with. The problem is that whenever anybody invites the girl to a party, the whole family turns up - Mum, Dad and younger brother - without asking beforehand. Even if it's a party where the children are left they will stay for the duration and the mother speaks very poor English and it makes the whole thing a bit awkward. Unfortunately, it's made me rethink inviting her this year as it's really off-putting and they expect a party bag for the younger brother etc.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/09/2013 13:55

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree bit I really don't think kids parties are the time or place to encourage the tolerance that you expect from your children. Kids are over excited pumped full of sweets and party food and emotions run high. There are always tears from someone over spilt drinks or chocolate stains on dresses. It's setting the poor kid up to fail miserably. Start slowly in class /play ground/ dinner table. Lots of children find parties hard work without adding ADHD to the mix.

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 13:56

You don't have to force them. You sell the idea.

I agree cerisier re gossip.

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 13:56

You don't have to force them. You sell the idea.

I agree cerisier re gossip.

WilsonFrickett · 29/09/2013 13:57

Friday in that scenario you probably wouldn't want to invite gropey pal. But gropey pal probably doesn't still live with their twin, who gets invited everywhere, while they get invited no-where and are extremely bewildered and upset as to why. Also gropey pal is presumably not 6.

OP, actually I don't think you should invite him on the basis that you don't have to invite both twins everywhere. I think that's fair enough.

However I think that mum is really struggling and I would hope you could maybe invite both round to play or something. And turn what's reading as anger at the boy's behaviour (I don't know if you're aware that's how it comes across) to anger at the complete lack of support he is getting at school.

Also it's not unheard of for NT children to mess up other children's art work. I don't think it's something I'd ask my child to be moved class over.

Inertia · 29/09/2013 13:58

I think you have to roll out the 'no space for siblings' rule, and it might be worth saying that you have already had to cut back on numbers so it wouldn't be fair if you started to override your daughter's list of close friends. Your dd has invited the people she wants, and it's not as if she has invited the whole class except this boy.

Clearly there are other issues relating to this boy's behaviour. However, his mum could perhaps use the one to one time with him to do an activity he would really enjoy.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/09/2013 13:59

Could you not have your dd invite them both round or a play date just so he doesn't feel left out?

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 14:03

Gawd I've just remembered the worst playground gossip/ostracising incident from a few years ago.

Girl's mum was accused of trying to 'steal' another mother's husband. Little girl got excluded from EVERYTHING. Which would have been bad enough had it been true, but the husband is a toad-faced dullard and I cannot for a moment believe anyone would hit on him, let alone the rather pretty, funny woman accused.

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 14:05

inertia and wheresmy are being very sensible.

cantreachmytoes · 29/09/2013 14:24

Can't have siblings, limited numbers etc

BUT

Why not arrange a play date a couple of weeks later with both twins and cake, making sure his mother is there? It's not the same exactly, but if he isn't being invited places - understandably - his mother might feel a bit less sad. Perhaps one on one she might feel comfortable talking things through with you as you also have a SN child? It must be a confusing, sad and lonely time for her (no idea, just a guess) and she might appreciate the effort to include them?

Ev1lEdna · 29/09/2013 14:44

My friend has twin boys in separate classes. They are invited to different parties and she thinks that is great, good for them even. She handles it well and they understand - they are 5, so half the age of these children. She needs to allow them to be individuals - the boy needs to learn there are consequences for behaviour. It is a tough lesson to be sure and I do feel for her, as my eldest sometimes has this but it is important in the long term.

SauvignonBlanche · 29/09/2013 14:46

5 is only 1 year younger than 6 though. Confused

Ev1lEdna · 29/09/2013 14:54

I thought they were 10 - it says that on the first page, apologies if I missed something.

aquashiv · 29/09/2013 14:56

Mother of twins here too and I would look at this as a rare opp to spend one on one time with one of mine never ever happens though as they are always both invited to parties.

Ev1lEdna · 29/09/2013 14:56

Oh now I see where they were 6 and I see the ADHD problem, so adjusting behaviour isn't really relevant either. I do apologise for skim reading. A play date with the mum present at a later date sounds a good compromise.

Original poster
PMDD · 29/09/2013 15:06

I want to reach out to the mother, especially as my ds with learning issues so have been there and know what it can be like. However, the mother was totally in denial so it would have been very rude to go to her and sympathise/empathise. She would have been really offended.

Even now the school has started to approach the mum, it is only in the last week or so. I know from experience that when as a parent someone starts to suggest all is not right with your child, there is a period of adjustment and acceptance.

I think the school have let her son and family down dreadfully as it was bloody obvious even at 3 that his behaviour was beyond spirited. In fact I think that the only reason it has been broached now is that we have a new head at school and a lot of mums have been complaining to the head about the boy's behaviour and how it is affecting their child - asking what the school are going to do about it.

The head is trying to show action.

OP posts:
Original poster
PMDD · 29/09/2013 15:08

Additionally the teacher he has now he is in year 2 is really struggling to cope with him in class. My friend's daughter (who had her drawing scribbled on) said that their teacher had been pushed to tears by the boy twin!!!!

OP posts:
kiriwawa · 29/09/2013 15:08

Ahem - please can we stop with the ADHD diagnosis? Angry

Original poster
PMDD · 29/09/2013 15:11

Kiriwawa - you are right - I am diagnosing without knowing.

The twin boy's behaviour is extreme and seems as though he can't help himself and has no control. I am assuming this is ADHD, but it could be a whole range of things.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 29/09/2013 15:13

I agree with saying quite a lot of other people have asked if they could bring a friend or sibling and you have had to say no so sorry you can't really say yes to her. I wouldn't mention the behaviour. So she makes the choice either one twin comes or neither one. I certainly wouldn't invite the badly behaved one if your DD doesn't want him there. I don't agree with leaving one child in the class out but that doesn't apply in this case.

verytellytubby · 29/09/2013 15:13

As a twin mother of boys in different classes I would say the mum needs to learn that they can't always be invited to the same party. It's life!

frumpypigskin · 29/09/2013 15:16

I have 5 year old twins. I would not expect them to be invited to the same party and would not ask.

It could be awkward for the mum if one twin is always being invited and not the other but that is for the mum to deal with, not you.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/09/2013 15:20

you seem to know a lot about this boy and his situation in school op! Playground gossip or has a member of staff shared this info with you?

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