Badly behaved twin and party invite

[PMDD]

My dd will be having a party in a few weeks to be held at home. There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.

One of the children is a girl with a twin brother who is in a different class. My dd has invited the girl but not the boy. The reason is that the boy is increadibly badly behaved and would be a nightmare to manage.

The mother of the twins has asked if her son can come as well as her daughter, as her daughter is invited places but not her son and it is difficult for her to manage. I really really don't want him to come. More to the point, neither does my dd. All because of his behaviour.

I am really annoid to be put in this position by the twins mother.

It's your DD party and she should invite who she likes. I wouldn't be guilted into inviting the twin. Plus you have enough to do without having to worry about the badly behaved twin disrupting and upsetting the other kids.

I thinks it's really cheeky she asked that the other sibling be invited regardless of his behaviour.

Even at 6 the mum is cheeky for asking for an invite when her ds clearly wasn't invited.

I assume regardless of the boy's behaviour, he would not have been invited and maybe the mum needs to be told that for some reassurance, that it's not his behaviour but simply that he and your dd are not friends.

He wouldn't have been invited if we were having 20 or 25 children as there are at least 10 other children that would have come before him on a larger guest list, so no, his poor behaviour is not the reason he isn't invited.

However, his behaviour is very much the reason I am saying no to him being 'squeezed' in to this party!

It must be a nightmare. The school have even asked that his mum come along to days out to help manage his behaviour. I heard from another mum that in July when the school did a day out to the local zoo, the school told her that if she didn't come her ds would not be able to go. Although of course that could just be hear say.

It has been obvious that the little boy's behaviour is so extreme that there is 'more going on'. However, it has taken them till year 2 to do anything about it!!!!

Another friend's dd is in his class and the mother said that she has asked the school to change her dd class so that she is not in with the boy twin because he is so disruptive.

I have a ds who is statemented and has learning issues which affect him emotionally. I am do fully understand what the twins' mother is going through. However, I also understand that other parents don't want their own children's learning to be affected.

The school are really struggling to manage his behaviour as he isn't statemented and there is limited money to put a full time INA in class to 'control' him.

He even scribbled over my friend's dd art work in class. That is why she wants her dd moved to another class.

Is he a friend of your DD? If not, say no and explain that there is a fixed number of people that you can afford to invite and apologise for that but you can't go over budget.

If he was the only one in the class to have been left out, then ywbu, but since that's not the case, then yanbu to not have invited him.

But I do feel sad about the way you (and it seems to be other parents at the school) are practically writing this child off. If he is indeed going through the process of diagnosis, that means there is an awful lot more going on than just bad behaviour. His parents are likely to be highly stressed, worrying about what the future holds for their child, worrying what decisions will have to be made, how they are going to pay for therapy. It wouldn't hurt some of you to extend a friendly hand and talk to her. I fear we have a long way to go yet before people start to understand children with special needs.

Awww. Must be very hard for the mum don't you think?

I sit on the fence about this tbh. I don't think you should have to invite him, no. Plenty of other kids aren't invited, so it's not as though he is being singled out.

At the same time though, I can't help but think it must be terribly upsetting for his mum to see him never getting an invite anywhere. That hurts you know, and I dunno OP, you sound quite callous about it. Maybe the mum is a cheeky bitch...maybe she's just a loving mother who feels sad for her son.

I know...I know...it's not your responsibility, I agree. You could sound a little less haughty though.

I'd hate to be in her shoes.

I am going to say : say it is o.k, as long as his mum or dad stays to supervise him.

She was cheeky to ask, but she may feel very sad about DS never being invited.

I once told a mum I would love her DS to come, he has Aspergers and gets violent though, so I said I would expect her to stay too. They did, she said it was the only party he'd been invited to that year.

It breaks your heart as a parent to have a child that never gets invited.

You do not have to invite him, but doing so would be a very kind thing to do ( but ask mum or dad to stay!)

Midnite - you are right. I don't feel comfortable as it is a little boy who can't help his behaviour. None of the other mum's I know snigger etc behind the twin's mum's back. We just feel awkward in approaching her about it.

For the whole of nursery and reception she had no clue whatsoever that her ds' behaviour was not normal. She used to say that he was just a lively boy. When the mother doesn't realise there is something wrong, how can other mother's say anything?

Once the school started broaching the subject then we said that we had noticed too.

However, I also can't help but think thankful my dd isn't in his class. My friend's dd has had 2 years of education disrupted by his behaviour. The teacher is spending a considerable amount of time controlling the boy twin, which should be spent on teaching the other children in the class.

To say to a 5 year old in year 1, sorry that your picture of a dinosaur is ruined by a large red scribble across it, it isn't his fault, he can't help it. It doesn't really help.

Just say no, but confirm its fine to drop her dd off and you don't expect her to stay.

She can have 2 hours of one on one time with her son. Sounds like he might really enjoy some of that and it's difficult to get time alone with a child when you have more than one. It's an opportunity for them

x posted with scribbler. What she said.

I think that's a bit unfair Midnite. The Op has a child with special needs herself. She's not dismissing his mother out of hand she's saying no on this occassion, partly because of the number of children and partly because of his behaviour. I really don't think that a child's birthday party is a place where they should be made to feel they have to put up with another child's extreme behaviour. Like BlueJess I did this several times with Dds parties and really regretted it.

I don't mean to sound haughty. I do have a child with learning issues who is at a special school so I really do understand.

However, I also have 2 other children who should be able to have an education without fear of being jumped on, screamed at, their work torn or scribbled on etc. And yes, this is exactly what the little boy does.

He has to be physically stopped, a stern 'no' doesn't do anything. The teacher has to physically restrain him. Even a time out corner doesn't work because he just walks out of it. If the teacher is talking he will walk right over to the teacher, climb over her and get his face right up into her face. The other children will be having their education affected.

Invite who you want, the mother of the twins has to teach her children that just because they are twins, it does not mean that they have to get invited to the same parties all the time.
We have 5 yr old b/g twins (I am not the subject of this post though!!) and we are aware that this might happen in future so will talk to them accordingly. No way would I ever have the nerve to ask if the other one could come too, it's incredibly rude.

This not an issue about the lad thinking he gets to go to all the parties his twin sister does! Let's just clarify that shall we? This about him never getting an invite himself at all. She does, he doesn't.

I pressed enter too soon. The problem we have is that people think that both of them have to be invited to the same party which adds up in fixed budgets. We have tried to say that only one being invited is not an issue and we have encouraged individual invites for their parties too.

Not the issue!

There is nothing to say that his mother thinks an invite automatically entitles the twin to one as well! She just wants him to have one invite ever!

PMDD, surely you can understand that this boys behaviour is not simply bad behaviour? No, it's not optimal for the other students in the room, but this is not simply a case of excluding a child until they start to behave themselves. The parent (and I'll selfishly add the teacher) need support from other parents, not condemnation.

I think it was a horrible position for the other Mum to put you in and an unreasonable one. I would say "I let dd choose who she invited and unfortunately we don't even have enough space for her to invite all of those she wanted to"

Unless my dc were exclusing 1 person in a class/group then it is their party and their choice and the other Mum can't try and wheedle an invite as it is clear that there are already a reserve of dc that your dd would like there.

If you feel very guilty you could invite both twins for a "playdate" some other time and make their Mum stay or preferable meet up somewhere else like a playground.

Agree with Pictish and Scribbler. I feel sorry for the mother who just wants her son to fit in, she probably isn't being rude or entitled, just desperate for her son.

I understand OP that this is your daughters birthday and I would probably feel the same way. I would probably be anxious about my child's education in that instance but it does sound as though everyone is gossiping behind their backs and it isn't helping anyone, especially the little boy.

I have seen it start to happen with a child at school, the school have managed it with 1-1 support and the child is fitting in and making friends, they are fantastic. One of the mothers who lives nearby made the point of saying that talking about the child and their behaviour wasn't fair as it gives them a 'bad name' before they have even started in life. I hope the twin boy in your OP gets the support he needs in the future.

it does sound as though everyone is gossiping behind their backs and it isn't helping anyone

Child is behaving badly at toddler group, to the point that other children don't want to play with him. Mother thinks it's just "normal" boisterousness.

Scenario 1: other parents talk to the mother about it.

"AIBU to hate it when other mothers try to tell me how to raise my child."

Scenario 2: other parents don't talk to the mother about it.

"AIBU to hate it when other mothers talk about my son behind my back. They should tell me to my face if they don't like the way I'm raising him."

Scenario 3: other parents try to keep their children away from the child in question.

"AIBU to hate it that my son doesn't get invited to parties."

Stick to you guns. Say it is a small party. Your daughter wanted more friends anyway and you had to say no to them, so it is really not on, to invite the twin over other friends that she really wanted.

I really feel sorry for the twin boys mother. It must be awful to see him gradually getting isolated. BUT, I still think it is unfair to try and guilt trip Op into inviting the little boy to her DDs party when her DD doesn't waAnt to invite him.

I have twins. From very early we made it clear that they don't get invited to everything together.

The mum here isn't helping her ds by forcing the issue and putting people in awkward situations. It needn't even be about his behaviour. Sometimes that's just how it goes. They're bound to have their own friends in years to come and their own stuff to do.

If she dies this to every party invite for dd, there is a real danger dd will cease to get invites. op i bet you will think twice next year about inviting this girl.

Unfortunate situation.