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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Badly behaved twin and party invite

151 replies

PMDD · 29/09/2013 08:05

My dd will be having a party in a few weeks to be held at home. There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.

One of the children is a girl with a twin brother who is in a different class. My dd has invited the girl but not the boy. The reason is that the boy is increadibly badly behaved and would be a nightmare to manage.

The mother of the twins has asked if her son can come as well as her daughter, as her daughter is invited places but not her son and it is difficult for her to manage. I really really don't want him to come. More to the point, neither does my dd. All because of his behaviour.

I am really annoid to be put in this position by the twins mother.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2013 11:28

It's very hard to advise, without knowing/seeing the extent of the bad behaviour. For instance, personally I would be inclined to try to say yes, but ask the parent to stay and closely supervise. Tell her he was not invited first and foremost because of numbers (there are others than your DD wanted there) but that you understand her situation and if she is willing to be the one stopping any negative behaviour from her DS then you will invite him on this occasion.

Then again, it is clear you don't want to, and it is totally your right not to invite him for whatever reason, so you could say no without being unreasonable. However, now that you've got a dialogue with her going, perhaps you could offer her support in some way? I feel for her.

YANBU to be annoyed by being put in this situation, it's very tricky. But YWBU if you showed it!

clam · 29/09/2013 11:32

If he is that disruptive in class, needing experienced 1:1 support, then it's quite likely that he could totally and utterly decimate your dd's party. Therefore, if you decide to invite him, it really can only be on the proviso that the mum comes with him and really and truly manages him so that he doesn't spoil it for everyone else and yet also enjoy it for himself. Do you believe she could and would do that?
If not, then perhaps leave it as it is, "sorry, but no."

zzzzz · 29/09/2013 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kiriwawa · 29/09/2013 11:41

My DS has SN and is in MS education. He doesn't get invited to many parties either but tbh, they're not a great environment for him and the excitement often leads to meltdowns. It makes me sad for him sometimes but I would never go and plead his case.

Having said that, I don't think this boy's issues should be what this is about. It's a 6YO's birthday party. She should be able to invite who she wants. Even if this boy didn't have additional needs, it doesn't sound like the OP's DD would have invited him. it's mainly girls and this boy isn't in her class.

SunshineMMum · 29/09/2013 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoComet · 29/09/2013 11:49

6 is old enough to be left, therefore no child care issues and a polite no will suffice.

SunshineMMum · 29/09/2013 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 29/09/2013 11:55

Yanbu at all, te party invites for the dd not ds, twin or not, no different to any other brother and sister! I know it must be sad for her, seeing her dd invited to parties and not ds, but that's the way it is. My dd has asd so I totally understand

pigletmania · 29/09/2013 11:59

Parties are not great environments for dd either, and she is not keen but it is part and parcel if having a child with sn

sweetestcup · 29/09/2013 12:10

Whilst I understand Mum is probably desperate to get her son to join in etc it is wrong to think a sibling can be invited just because they are a sibling, twins are no different. And people should read the thread proeprly its like Chinese whispers here "hes 10" "no hes 6" "no OP said he was 10" blah blah blah

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 12:13

What manicinsomniac said.

QuintessentialShadows · 29/09/2013 12:23

"I would let them come if the Mum stays to supervise. " Yes, that would be the desired response if the girl wanted the child at her party.

She is not close to him, so that is the reason he is not invited, not his behaviour.

zzzzz · 29/09/2013 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressIggi · 29/09/2013 12:50

It is fine to say no but it does sound like the mother has reached out to the OP on this occasion - I would find it very hard to say no out of sympathy but I'd want her to stay.

LittlePeaPod · 29/09/2013 13:09

But it's not Ops party. It's her DDs party and she shouldn't be forced to have anyone there she doesn't wan to invite.

cakebar · 29/09/2013 13:22

I would say no - but because I have been pushed into invites before or have given an invite to be kind and then have regretted it.

I think it is difficult when inviting twins - I invited one twin to a year R party, mum didn't speak to me again . My DS had never spoken to the other twin who was in a different class. When my DD invited a twin I suggested that she invite the other one and dd said she would rather cross dt1 off the list rather than have them both there (we issued the invitation to one with no issues that time).

There are two girls my dd knows whose parents always ask if the sibling can come and then expect party bag etc and this affects whether I want to invite them or not.

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 13:26

It's the daughter's party, yes, but as parents it's our job to guide our children towards doing the right thing.

It's a bit like encouraging them to share their buckets and spades if another child at the sand pit doesn't have any, or suggesting they ask another child to join in a game if they look a bit lonely.

If the mother here was an entitled cow, she wouldn't have bothered asking and would have just turned up with both twins.

friday16 · 29/09/2013 13:30

but as parents it's our job to guide our children towards doing the right thing.

What is "the right thing" here?

Suppose you have a friend who has mental health and addiction issues, who drinks to excess and attempts to grope other guests (assume they have a diagnosis which makes this, to some extent at least, something they cannot be expected to control). Do you invite him or her to your parties, knowing that they will upset other guests and probably ruin the evening, thinking that at least you're doing "the right thing" by them (even if your other guests are angered)? If so, well done, but I bet the answer for most people is "no".

So why are children expected to tolerate behaviour that adults wouldn't?

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 13:32

I'm not saying you should invite him btw, OP, I'm just responding to arguments that one should always bow to a child's wishes when it comes to guest lists.

pigletmania · 29/09/2013 13:37

Janai it is the child's party so and it's her treat. If having that child there ruins it for her, than its not a treat, you would do The same with any other twin, sn or not!

JenaiMorris · 29/09/2013 13:37

x-posts I kind of agree, Friday.

It really depends on the impact of the difficult guest on everyone else. There are children who get excluded from everything on fairly spurious grounds, though. A bit of tolerance and flexibility goes a long way.

Having said that, boy twin sounds like very hard work.

lljkk · 29/09/2013 13:38

I don't get the left out thing at all. Downside if being twins is less one-to-one time with adults. With the girl gone the boy could have full sole attention of parent for nearly 2 hours. All to himself. Fab opportunity.

(unless his behaviour is so bad that mum runs a mile from it too, I suppose...)

Cerisier · 29/09/2013 13:44

It is the DDs party and she should be able to invite who she wants. She isn't just leaving out one or two children so that isn't an issue. I can't get over parents asking for invitations for siblings or, even worse, just bringing them along. Height of rudeness.

However gossiping about the little boy isn't helping your case. If anything it is making everyone feel sorry for him and his parents.

pigletmania · 29/09/2013 13:48

The other twin des not sound like her friend, so she should not be forced to have him

pigletmania · 29/09/2013 13:49

Cerisier I totally agree with you

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