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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Badly behaved twin and party invite

151 replies

PMDD · 29/09/2013 08:05

My dd will be having a party in a few weeks to be held at home. There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.

One of the children is a girl with a twin brother who is in a different class. My dd has invited the girl but not the boy. The reason is that the boy is increadibly badly behaved and would be a nightmare to manage.

The mother of the twins has asked if her son can come as well as her daughter, as her daughter is invited places but not her son and it is difficult for her to manage. I really really don't want him to come. More to the point, neither does my dd. All because of his behaviour.

I am really annoid to be put in this position by the twins mother.

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 29/09/2013 08:27

My sister has boy and girl twins and they've never been consistently invited to the same parties...they are individuals.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 08:30

His behaviour isn't even the main issue here. Your DD has invited the 15 people she's closest to. If you were going to invite a sixteenth child it would be someone else she was close to, not a sibling of an existing guest.

QueFonda · 29/09/2013 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hermioneweasley · 29/09/2013 08:36

My 3 year old understands she doesn't get to go to the same parties as her older brother. No problem at all confirming no siblings.

jelliebelly · 29/09/2013 08:39

I suspect the issue here may be that the boy never gets invited to parties due to his behaviour and at 6 that must be quite difficult to understand if his sister is more popular. Think you need to have an honest chat with the mum.

friday16 · 29/09/2013 08:42

the boy never gets invited to parties due to his behaviour and at 6 that must be quite difficult to understand if his sister is more popular.

The OP says he's ten, not six.

OneInEight · 29/09/2013 08:46

However, even if his behaviour is beyond his control and not his fault, I don't see why I should have to put up with it in my house.

I can understand why you might not wish to have him in your house but you might have some compassion & understanding for his mother who has to "put up with it" all the time.

I have not had this dilemma as both of my twins were so ostracised at school for behaviour beyond their control that neither got invited to parties. And yes we have sought help from the professionals but it is neither quick (think years) or a complete solution.

In no way did the non-invitations improve their behaviour but just further reduced their self-esteem and increased their isolation at school.

Not expecting you to change your mind but I don't think the Mum is being cheeky rather just trying desperately to help her son fit in.

shemademedoit · 29/09/2013 08:48

I'd invite the boy but only on condition that his mother stayed to help look after him. But I am way too sift and find myself getting taken advantage of. A lot.

Perhaps his behaviour is an attention thing because he feels alone and left out?

Suzieismyname · 29/09/2013 08:48

No. The only numbers in the opening post are:
'There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.'
OP has said the children are 6.

shemademedoit · 29/09/2013 08:48

Soft!!!

friday16 · 29/09/2013 08:49

Suzie, the OP wrote "Soup they're ten." in response to Soup asking how old they are. The discussion of six year olds is RetroFormica's child.

FetchezLaVache · 29/09/2013 08:53

No Friday, it was Jitney who said they were 10. Look what you've done, Jitney! Grin

Suzieismyname · 29/09/2013 08:53

PMDD is the OP...

Have another read of the thread,friday...

OHforDUCKScake · 29/09/2013 08:53

Id say yes, as long as the mum stayed.

dumbelina · 29/09/2013 08:55

The children are 6. Only 10 have been invited from my dd class.
No, the children are 6. OP I agree you should be firm and say no.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 08:55

I would go with the line that you aren't having siblings. There is not room for half the guests to bring a +1.

Lilacroses · 29/09/2013 08:56

The other parent is being VU. It's not fair to put you in that position. Please don't give in to the emotional blackmail on this. My Dds party was ruined one year by a child who behaved appallingly. Their parent was actually present half the time and did nothing so I stepped in and the result was the party was ruined and I had a catastrophic falling out with the other mother!

10 is plenty old enough to accept that he doesn't get invited to the same things as his sister. Tell the mum that you're sorry but you are very limited with numbers and there were lots of other children you'd like to have invited but you can't have them all.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 08:58

(But they're not 10, Lilacroses)

Suzieismyname · 29/09/2013 09:02

Bangs head against wall...

Lilacroses · 29/09/2013 09:04

Sorry, just realised that. Apologies. I still don't think theOp should invite him though. In our case by coincidence the child was also a twin and we had already endured several years of their poor behaviour and their parents just sitting there ignoring them.

The child in this case may be very different and may have difficulties which his parents are trying really hard to manage which must be very stressful. Do you know the other parent well OP? If she came and stayed do you think she would step in if need be?

CSIJanner · 29/09/2013 09:06

I've probably just committed a cheeky faux pas as I've just asked if my DC2 (19mo) could come to a soft play party that DC1 was invited to, however I made it clear in the request that I didn't expect DC2 to be a guest and that I would be paying for any entrance fee and food. The mum did offer, but I thanked and declined as she's shelling out for a party for 15. The only reason I asked was because of childcare issues, as DC1 has just turned 5 and I don't feel comfortable dropping and leaving.

YANBU.

Here the children are 6 and the party is in your own home. I fully realise that my DC's won't be invited to all parties together, so should the twins mum. I do feel for her as she probably has it hard with him (going through diagnosis etc) and it probably hurts her to see him excluded however its the parents prerogative (and birthday child) to invite who they like. I think OP should say "sorry, we're limited on numbers". If the mum can leave the invited twin at the party, she can plan to do something exciting with the boy twin.

Suzieismyname · 29/09/2013 09:08

The boy is not a good friend of your DD. The boy is not invited to DD's party. Simple as that.
You have not invited the rest of the class and excluded just him. Don't feel guilty. It's perfectly normal to invite one twin and not the other.

manicinsomniac · 29/09/2013 09:09

I can see why the mother asked. It isn't the normal asking if a sibling (or even twin) can join, it's more that she has one twin who is never asked to parties and the other who always is.

For each individual party it probably seems reasonable to the birthday party to only ivite the girl because twins can't always be invited to the same parties. But for the twins' family, seeing the same pattern over and over again, it must start to get hard.

I also understand why you may feel you can't accomodate her wishes but I would do it if you possibly can, the boy and his mum are probably at the start of a long and isolating road.

HorryIsUpduffed · 29/09/2013 09:17

I wouldn't include him.

I wouldn't tell her that he was being excluded because of his behaviour - she will guess - but instead just say that numbers are restricted by space but of course you're not expecting her to stay so she and DTS can do something else together. Big kind smile.

I know that ignores the reason she asked, but that really really isn't your problem.

BlueJess · 29/09/2013 09:25

I have boy-girl twins aged nearly 6. They been invited to separate parties for over a year now and in fact one if the pre-school prep things I did was explain that when they were in different classes they wouldn't always be invited. I also made it known among the Mums that I would expect and in fact encourage separate invites.

The children don't have a problem with it and are usually happy to have alone time with us.

I have been on the other side of this from a mum if another set of twins. I'm afraid I caved as she worded it "I think little Jonnie lost his invite as Janie has hers". We were having a bug party in a hall and had had a few declines so I squeezed him in.

I was incredibly resentful though, he was horrible to my dd in the run up to the party, was the worst behaved at the party and was horrible to her again after the party. I have sworn that I'll never be pushed into an invite again.

What will happen this year is that neither of that set of twins will be invited to our party this year.

I'm afraid what will happen to the family in your op is that invites will drop off for the sister if they insist the brother should come.