To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

How about if we changed the scenario?

What if the OP was browsing at the book section rather than looking at childrens clothes? Or what if the DH was looking at electronic gadgets?

20 minutes seems like a long blinkin time then doesn't it?

It can take very little time indeed to pick children's clothes, so spending loads of time on it seems like a hobby or indulgence, rather than a necessity.

It would indeed be slightly different if we were talking about say, getting measured up for shoes, or going for a haircut, but I would say that unless pre-agreed these still shouldn't be slotted into a night out.

Clothes exchange would sound to me like a quick in and out, I'd be seriously annoyed in that scenario if I ended up having to wait 20 mins.

For a few minutes there is something to look at - even if it's just other people.

Unless the DC were screaming the place down he should have been able to entertain them.

Alternatively, the OP could have gone another day, trailing her two children on her own, which would have involved more time and more hassle (and probably more money).

God forbid he should spare 20 minutes to help out when they were already there!.

I don't see how its treating someone as a toddler to recognize that they don't like shopping, that on a Friday night everyone is a bit tired and the point of a meal out was treat not chores and therefore either to leave it or get it done as quickly as possible. Twenty minutes if you don't like shopping and after a meal is a bloody long time.

Op.i like you.
Feel free to bring your DCs round to mine this morning and you can have a lie down while I watch them.
But please stop saying " it was only 20 minutes" it's getting a bit scary.

OP - what did happen on holiday as regards shopping?

I feel like I've stumbled into another universe reading some of these replies.

What is with all the emboldening of 20 minutes!!!!? He had to spend 20 minutes in a shop with looking after one of his children while the OP exchanged some clothes. So what? It really isn't as sensational as some of you are making out.

OP wasn't being 'inconsiderate' of her children and DH or 'encroaching on family time' she was exchanging a clothing. For one of her children.

He was a childish arse.

He should have wandered off with the older DD. That's one of the good things about having a mobile, OP could just have rung and said 'I'm done now' and they could have wandered back.
It's what we did when I had teens, because we hated standing around whilst one of us cooed and squeaked over something for 20 minutes or so that the rest of us weren't interested in.
These were clothes for a 10 month old, how hard is that?

Of course he could have. And he could have entertained them for another hour while the OP (by her own admission a picky shopper) browsed and dithered, asking his opinion every five minutes (so he felt involved and bonded.)

But on aore constructive note, I'd say put it behind you. Remember that he doesn't enjoy group shopping so either give it to him to do (if you don't want to do it), do it yourself or make it as quick and painless as possible. Everyone has the occasional Friday night strop (DH anD I did last night) but no need to let it spill over into the weekend.

YABU who the fucking hell wants to go shopping after a long week at work, when all you want to do is relax. If it was a straight in and out for the exchange, a different size or a refund, fine, but you faffed about looking for other stuff too - i would be mighty pissed off if it were me. It wasn't him that spoilt the evening, it was you!

I'm sorry, but an adult doesn't need help buying baby clothes. Moving a wardrobe yes, but not buying baby clothes.

Or another option as regards the timing. OP could have rushed off whilst DH settled the bill and he could get the DCs ready to go and meet her at the shop. That activity would easily take 10-15 mins.

That way OP gets to go to the shop and DH and lets not forget the DCs, don't have to linger for too long.

Poor tea. I love shopping, come over to the styles and beauty thread there are lots of like minded people. You took twenty mins, you went to one shop and it was for yours and his child, can't see the big deal. I always go shopping with friends or alone but really would be cross if dh could not wait for me to exchange something for 20 mins.

Not sure why you are being slated. I don,t like fishing but if dh went to a fishing shop for 20 mins on route to somewhere it is no big deal. Maybe you didn't want to go out for dinner but you went to keep him happy so why can,t you spend time in one shop.?

Not sure why posters are being so hard on you. Mumsnet at its worst I think

Imagine her fury if he'd said 'I'll do the exchange'
Bet she's have been on here telling everyone how wrong he'd got it.

What did you do on holiday by the way? A lot of haggling?

I thought you were BU when you wrote your OP

"DH rang to say he is taking us out to dinner to our favorite chinese resturant."

But it turns out that wasnt the truth, you suggested to him you wanted a chinese, that he had to drive and after all this it was actually all because you wanted to return a top which took you ages (your words) because you are picky about clothes (your words).

Then YABVVU

If you 'always do this' like he said then honestly its not surprising he got pissed off.

Sleep deprivation sucks. But if you need time off, ask for it. Take it.

But really, thats not what yesterday was about at all.

I've not seen bandwagon-jumping like this for a long time.

Some of you should be ashamed of your responses. Saying YABU is fine. Telling somebody that they have ruined an outing and they are inconsiderate towards their children, selfish etc isn't. Especially when you are talking about somebody exchanging some clothes for their child.

Can see where you're both coming from! Surely if the exchange needed to be done there and then, it could have happened before the meal?

I love shopping but hate any activities (inc. shopping) after I've just eaten! Esp in the evening where I'd like nothing more than to go home and lie down

DH hates shopping unless in the apple shop or a big telly store In your situation I'd have suggested he stay in the restaurant and have an extra coffee/drink while I did the shopping bit in peace. Or he and the kids could have stopped at the ice cream bar while you did your thing. All of you don't need to trail round the mall together.

She wasn't just browsing though was she - she was returning something so it was a "legitimate" chore, if she hadn't taken the opportunity to do it then she would have had to go out of her way to do it at a later date.

I am utterly stunned at all the grown woman here who are intent on treating a grown man like a toddler with a five minute attention span. Who in their right mind gets in a strop at a 20 minute diversion when the alternative is to put their partner significantly out of their way on a later date.

OP did recognise her husband was getting "antsy", but chose to carry on. Yes she'd had a tough week at home with young children, but he'd had a long week at work and was trying to do something nice as a family by going out for a meal. He was unreasonable about the icecream, but I'd be annoyed too. OP had seen he was fed up but didn't bother doing anything about it. Empathy in a relationship goes both ways.

It reminds me of a mega sulk I had many years ago. We'd been in a similar home situation, DH took us out, but on the way back needed to stop for some air for the tyres (?), but it was at a garage that had a car dealership. I sat in the car with the kids while he sorted the tyres, then rather than getting back into the car and us driving home he popped next door as he's seen a car that caught his eye, then browsed at the cars for ages. I was stuck in the car with the children, steaming!