To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

Well I can't see the problem with swapping the clothes-seems sensible if it's not so easy for OP ti get there.

I guess OP didn't just swap though-was having a good old look round as well.

Perhaps her husband should have known & taken the oldest for an ice cream?

But maybe he thought OP really would just change the stuff?

The old hope over experience thing!

I think this is a non issue really. You both had different agenda's. neither of you were right or wrong. You are both tired and stressed. Apologise for upsetting his plans but not for what you did. Explain to him what you told us and listen to why he feels you hijack every occasion. Tell him neither of you were right or wrong.Make up and forget the whole thing.

Ah. Sleep deprivation.
Utterly soul destroying. I have 2 small dcs. One of whom wakes a couple of times every night for feeding to torture me.
Then a relentless day starting the next morning.
And he swans off to work, in clean, smart clothes, with aftershave on, socialising with adults, enjoying coffee breaks and lunches and hasn't got a fucking clue how tired you are ("I wake up too" - fuck off unless you're actually getting up) and how much you do just to keep clean pants for everyone and stop all the mess from drowning your entire family.
Anywhere near close?
I can see how it feels overwhelming and the desperation to get something done from your list drove you to force this shopping trip on your family . You need some rest. Grab it when you can. Ditch whatever task you do when 4 yo is at nursery (if you can get 1 yo to nap) and lie down. Be kind to yourself.
But:
I agree with whoever it is who said that you need to stop saying it was"only 20 minutes" that's not the point and you know it.

[sleep emoticom]
Then get the kids to bed tonight and sit down with your dh and have half an hour of just being a couple.

Yy to shewhowines

It sounds like he does what I do.

Thought process: "Oh, she's looking at clothes... tum te tum... still looking.... she took ages doing that on holiday once.... that made me cross... Bet she's going to take bloody ages now... Yep, that's what'll happen; she'll... oh, she's finished. I'm still cross though; must be because she ALWAYS does this and it's about time I said something."

WE know we're being unreasonable... deep down. On some level.

My DH can sometimes be a bit like this. When the dds were really small and it was tricky to get stuff done during the week he used to be annoyed if his 'family time' was wasted by kids shoe shopping or choosing a coat for them or something....

I had to really explain to him that it is challenging getting anything done with two (at the time) very small dds, so I needed some adult help.

Also when you are really tired you are a bit dithery over simple decisions and sometimes you just want someone who also knows and loves your dds 'yes that coat will look nice'.

I don't at all feel this way now, but can remember when the dds were really young, just wanting my DH to help and support me more with all the 'boring' jobs - hair cuts, party presents, shoe shopping, exchanging....which are just part and parcel of family life.

It annoyed me that he expected his family time to be all picnics and big days out when sometimes boring stuff needed sorting and I felt it should not all be my responsibility.

Is this how you feel OP? If so you bed need to express this to your DH.

I do shop a lot as I am the one who buys literally every single thing for the home, dcs, gifts etc.

I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way sad

So you have a husband with a clearly expressed preference for NEVER GOING SHOPPING, and unilaterally decide that what he'd really enjoy, after a heavy meal at the end of a long week when he's got to get up for work again the next day, is to go shopping??

I effing hate shopping Nd if I had gone for dinner with a friend and on to do something fun and she had done this I would have had a right strop on.

Bet he had a film in mind or a bowling slot booked and you missed it faffing about.

Btw you lot up there ^possessing a vagina does not mean you need to have been conditioned to enjoy shopping. It is not a leisure activity.

I wouldn't go down the route of telling him you don't think you were wrong - blame doesn't ave to be apportioned for an apology to be heartfelt.

You know what though, it's not worth crying over. Honest.

YABU for telling him you wanted to exchange something and then proceeding to spend 20 minutes in the shop, leaving him to watch two full and tired children.

He is BU for throwing a strop, but you said that you could see he was getting antsy, so why not just leave and sort it out another time? It didn't HAVE to be done then and surely if you could see he was getting fed up, you'd leave and prevent him from getting more annoyed?

I would be annoyed if I took DP out for a meal and afterwards, he proceeded to drag me around shopping for video games or something for 20 minutes. Two minutes to exchange something is what he agreed to, not "let's go shopping!".

I think garlicbaguette has done a beautiful summing-up of the situation.

And for all of you that hate shopping - it was 20 bloody minutes!.

Saved OP another trip (although, I suppose her time isn't that important, is it?) and he could have sat outside and chatted to his DC or taken them to look at something (it was a mall- there's always something to look at).

He was being an arse.

It didn't HAVE to be done then and surely if you could see he was getting fed up, you'd leave and prevent him from getting more annoyed?

You mean, treat him like a toddler? Well, he behaved like one, so I suppose that could have worked.

'And for all of you that hate shopping - it was 20 bloody minutes!.'

NannyOgg, she thought it was 20 minutes...

I'm with the husband.
AND when he said 'you never get it' , it is clear that he is right. OP doesn't get it. I bet you, she does get told and told and told. And doesn't get it. She's not listening.

Oh for fucks sake it WAS 20 minutes if that!

DH would have hated this. However, instead of stropping and becoming a passive aggressive man child he would have told me, I would have completed the transaction and we would have gone home.
Your DH behaved like a petulant child. That's what I would be annoyed about.

I feel like I have inadvertently strayed into the 1950s with this thread. Wtf iscerong with some of you? Sulking is pathetic and childidh and there is no excuse for it ever. Spending 20 minutes in a shop is not the end of the fucking world and saved the OP an additional trip another time.

The clothes are for his child too!

So a big YANBU from me. The other ce cream thing was him behsving like a prick! I certainly would be making a huge fuss ovet his rudeness and lack of respect. What he wants to do is not more important than what you want to do!

DP hate hate hates shopping. I'd have run in and done in whilst telling him to go on ahead & get the ice cream or whatever.

There is nothing to be gained from me trying to get him involved at all.

I think you were perhaps setting yourself up for a disappointment thinking he might enjoy it - and twenty minutes is a lot of time looking for one item I think.

Saying that there was no need for him to be so rude, but sounds like you might have had a pop at him first?

I'm a bit on the fence!

Laughing at, "It's a mall. There's always something to look at." More shops. A lot of coffee chains. This isn't sitting in some lovely piazza watching the fountains and sipping a chilled fino while your children frolic with other children. This is a mall. Change a few letters and you've got hell.

YABU

Sorry, but I'd have hated to spend the end of a lovely evening, shopping.
I hate it. I realise you needed to exchange the clothes but I would have either spent 2 minutes doing it or asked him to choose something (which would have taken him 30 seconds).

20 minutes is too long.

He is a twat for not buying you an ice cream though.

Why didn't you just say to him that you wanted to shop for clothes for dd?
Because he is obviously a great big knob for sulking (I hate sulking) but it was disingenuous to tell him you were going to exchange an ill fitting item of clothing when you were actually going to choose clothes.
I would have been annoyed with both of you and sent you to your rooms to think about it.