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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

502 replies

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 00:05

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued Hmm

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking. Hmm

OP posts:
Oriunda · 28/09/2013 09:04

Even worse .... you clearly planned the meal out with the ulterior motive of going shopping! Am upgrading you to YABVU!

If it was Westfield I might upgrade again .... my personal seventh circle of hell!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/09/2013 09:04

We're all fucking knackered though. I have been awake since 3 and had no sleep since and that's how it is most nights. I have to juggle children round the shops and never really get a chance to browse etc etc. but I wouldn't have chosen family time to do it because we don't get enough family time as it is, and from your op it sounds like you don't either.

MimiSunshine · 28/09/2013 09:06

Well on your last post, I'm afraid I think I'm on your DH side.
He suggested a meal out, you suggested a place. Both of you thought you were heading for a nice family meal out.
However you had another agenda which he wasn't privy to until after the meal at which point it was too late for him to object.

It sounds like you aren't compatable shoppers and if you said at the beginning "dinner out sounds lovely, shall we go to X so I can take some clothes back as well" he would have had opportunity to say actually I'd prefer it of we didn't do that as I hate shopping with you.

I also don't see how you can judge him in the lack of bonding experience just because its baby clothes, it maybe what you like but it doesn't make him a bad person for not doing.

Just text him and say you feel upset about the argument and that he didn't offer you an ice team but you're sorry you got carried away and took so long in the shop (20mins of browsing is not the same as a 20 min dash round the supermarket)

kotinka · 28/09/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 09:06

So what if he decided it would be nice to do something fun after a hard week. We all deserved it, and if he hadn't made such a fuss in the shop it would have been done without an issue because the dcs were fine. I had dd2 with me in the pushchair, asleep and dd1 was with him and she was fine.

I've actually woken up and cried because I am so exhausted and cross.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/09/2013 09:07

Are you a long way from shops/don't drive/without a car in the day, then-because doing stuff with kids in tow is just par for the course of being a sahm sometimes.

Does he ever have the kids so that you can get stuff done alone?

LittlePeaPod · 28/09/2013 09:13

OP I know you are tired but with this particular situation I am afraid YABU and its unfair to take out your frustrations on your DH. Does your DH know how tired you are and how the lack of sleep is affecting you?

BranchingOut · 28/09/2013 09:15

Sorry, but I think yabu, especially as you know that you are picky and that it would not be a quick in and out job.

I would have anticipated 5 minutes to choose an alternative and then a couple of minutes making the exchange. Particularly as this is your second baby girl and you have seen baby clothes before - it is not like your first trips when pg when you want to ooh and ahhh over everything! :)

I enjoy a bit of shopping but know that these days I have to be a lot quicker and snappier when I have my DS with me, even if DH is there.

BranchingOut · 28/09/2013 09:17

Or, I would have taken a quick look at the range online first to see if there were alternatives I might like before going to the shop.

gamerchick · 28/09/2013 09:17

Just have a chat with him when he gets in. Tell him that next time you promise it'll just be family time with no shopping.

It obviously bothers him going shopping with you.. you're clearly not compatible shoppers.

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 09:22

Diddl - no I have my own car, but yes that particular place is out of the way and I'm really shit with directions (newish driver) and I've not been there on my own yet. He knows that.

He may be sleep deprived too though, come to think of it. We both wake up when dd's wake up at night (the older one randomly roams around in the night). We both wake up for dd's Monday to Friday , he gets ready and takes her to school after I've got her sorted, Saturday half day he works and Sunday is his only day off but he has to get up early to take dd1 to this thing she does Sunday mornings.

I am knackered doing everything but at the same time, I can see he is helping as much as he can after work ( if he's home in time for bedtime, he'll do bedtime for dd1, and he'll Hoover etc.

I guess I'll say sorry. It was supposed to be a nice relaxed evening Sad

OP posts:
ladymariner · 28/09/2013 09:23

Agree with orlunda

And that does not make me a handmaiden!

Weeantwee · 28/09/2013 09:23

20 minutes in one shop?!

HOW????

Yabu

kotinka · 28/09/2013 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuppenceinred · 28/09/2013 09:24

20 minutes - nearly half an hour dragging round one shop - and just when he thinks it's over and you might finally get out of the bloody place you say "I'll just take one last look..." and he cracked. I'm a woman who loves to shop, but I would have done too.
Your husband planned a treat, a nice meal out for the family. It was a chance to relax together at the end of the week. If you really had to do a clothes exchange in the same trip you should have mentioned it in advance, just said to him "do you mind if we nip in X shop to change those clothes?" Possibly it would have made more sense to get that out of the way before the meal as well. But the least you could have done was have a bit of consideration and done it quickly, not turned it into a shopping endurance test. Can't you see how irritating that would be? Even if all he planned was to go home and chill out together, he'd planned a relaxing time for you all. You hijacked it. He did try, he did take part in some choosing, but it went on... and on.. and on...
I think he was childish re the ice cream, but it sounds as if you have form for this. There's a hint there that you dragged the family off on protracted shopping trips when you were on holiday. My male best friend has a wife who does that, every day on every holiday she has to go and shop. Dragging him and the kids with her when the point of a holiday is to relax. I don't know how he doesn't kill her. Grin

ladymariner · 28/09/2013 09:24

X post with you Op, and yes, he definitely will be sleep deprived too. Hope you have a nice chat and a make-up when he gets home

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/09/2013 09:25

Sorry, YWBU (though I guess you know that really). 20 minutes is a very short time if you are doing something you enjoy but an absolute eternity if it is something boring.

Try to get some rest today but also look at that list of yours. Actually write it down. Are there some things you could give to other people (including DH)? Are there some things on that list which have grown big in your mind but which actually could be knocked off quite quickly if you set to them?

kotinka · 28/09/2013 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuppenceinred · 28/09/2013 09:28

I think perfectly reasonable for him to mind the children while Op shopped, if she'd mentioned it in advance. But she didn't. And if that was the solution, maybe it would be nicer for husband and children to be allowed to stay at home. This was a nice family meal out, not a shopping trip.

nkf · 28/09/2013 09:29

Do everything you can to get some sleep. Things will look better then. And don't sneak in chores. And if you are picky, only shop solo. But most of all, get some sleep.

nkf · 28/09/2013 09:32

And you are not doing everything. Sounds to ms as if he works very hard.

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 09:34

Sounds like he overeacted, but 20 mins is quite a long time to spend choosing a child's outfit.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 28/09/2013 09:35

I'm glad that you are going to say sorry OP as I do think on this one YABU.

Your DH was thinking "we have all been working hard, wouldn't it be nice to go out and have a family dinner" you were thinking "oh why don't we go to the mall and that way I can swap some baby clothes while we are there." Your DH comes out a bit better.

Sometimes if we are out to do something as a family DH will stop to do something he wants to do, like pick up bait from the fishing tackle shop, so 15 mins waiting in the car whilst he goes off and does his thing - drives me crazy, as it's meant to be us doing family things. it would be different if he mentioned it in advance.

OP you obviously enjoy shopping, but stop trying to justify it so much. Yes your child needs to wear clothes otherwise it will be naked, but wow 20 mins in a shop comparing outfits. If you really had to spend that much time you would have been better nipping out of the restaurant once the order was put in, at least that way you aren't forcing your entire family to trail round the shops with you.

In future when you go on holiday and you want to do elongated shopping, then I would suggest that you try to go by yourself. It will do DH good to spend time with the DCs and that way you can spend as much time as you want.

Or another option going forward - some lovely children's clothes available online, that way you can browse to your heart's content.

HungryHorace · 28/09/2013 09:38

I'm in the YABU camp too.

I'm sleep deprived with a 3mo DD and that means I actually wouldn't want to spend that long shopping as I'd want to get home to try to get a little rest if possible. I hate shopping / faffing anyway, so your behaviour would have really pissed me off even if I wasn't knackered.

Yes, your DH was petty, but I know I'd have probably been the same in his shoes. Sorry.

TSSDNCOP · 28/09/2013 09:38

My DH would have gone postal if I'd fucked about for 20 minutes in a shop exchanging kids clothes. YABU.

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