To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

[apachepony]

I hate shopping so yabu from my perspective. My dh has a tendancy to do what you do on holiday, has to go into shops to look at clothes and it drives me DEMENTED. We're meant to be enjoying ourselves not bloody shopping! Actually the only shopping I like is baby clothes shopping but I wouldn't expect other people to wait around while I do it, I would either (and have done) shop quickly or come back and shop at my leisure

[DumSpiroSpero]

TBH when we go out for a meal at the end of a busy week, I generally want to eat, go home & get DD to bed and crash in front of the telly.

I get hacked off when DH take too long over pudding so if he then went on to drag me round the shops for 20 minutes I would not be best pleased.

Not to say he didn't overreact but I can see where he's coming from.

[tattiehowker]

Well to me an exchange is something that takes 2 minutes. |sounds more like you were going shopping. Not the best time do do it - Friday evening on a family meal out? I would have been pissed off in your DH's shoes.

Sounds like you are both a bit stubborn. Time to let go of it.

[Gracie990]

You didn't take him to exchange. Exchange is swop a ten for a twelve.

You took him shopping! Not fun after work.

[Balaboosta]

I hate these kinds of posts. If you want him to help you with the shopping you need to tell him: "I want you to help me with the shopping". Take him on a proper shopping expedition, planit out and give it a time limit. You said you were popping into the shop to do an exchange and then embarked on browsing and was showing no sign of stopping. It wasn't considerate. He did that thing of thinking im never getting out of here. He's full of food and tired. So he got irritated. It's not rocket surgery. Apologise a little bit, sorry i didnt realise how long i was taking, move on, enjoy your ice cream, have a nice life!

[HorryIsUpduffed]

I'm with Coola et al. He thought you'd be two minutes, so sucked it up. If he'd known you'd be twenty minutes, he'd have taken the DC for that ice cream and met up again later.

DM is like this and I know DF gets frustrated. When you're both calm, see if you can find out what he meant by "you always do this" and try to assess if you do and whether it's really reasonable.

[SilverApples]

It was this bit that made me think he needs to get his shit together:
'He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. '

So if she's always like this, it wasn't a surprise was it? You got that 'Oh fuck' sinking feeling when she said 'I'll just pop in and ...' because you knew what was going to happen.
Work out what you are going to do next time, sod off and buy you and your DD an icecream or do something to while away the time without getting cross, because it's going to happen again. And again.

[diddl]

I can't believe that I have found so many fellow shopping haters all in one place!

I would have changed the outfit before the meal.

20 mins seems ages to me to change something that isn't even being tried on.

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

Clothes shopping, general faffing and people using "special time" eg meals out for errands are three of my biggest irritants. The "one last look" would have driven my demented. I know its clothes for your child, but she wasn't going to go naked and get frostbite if it wasn't done then and there was she?

[QuintessentialShadows]

"if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once"

You clearly love shopping. A lot.

So much so that you just had to cram in 20 minutes worth of it on a friday night after dinner, you loon!! In the nicest possible way.

There are few things worse that standing outside a shop waiting for somebody looking at this and that, for 20 minutes! That is an insane amount of time. Dont think I have ever spent that much for myself, even with trying on umpteen outfits!

[stitchy]

If after a family meal out I had to spend 20mins keeping the kids entertained in a shop whilst dh faffed about, taking quadruple the time necessary to complete a simple task I would be mightily hacked off.

I hate shopping with the kids in tow, it is a joyless, life-force-sucking chore.

I'm guessing in truth you actually really enjoy choosing and buying clothes for your daughters and don't find it much of a chore, suggesting that he is somehow less-caring as a parent because he doesn't want to spend ages browsing kids clothes is manipulating things to paint yourself a bit of a martyr.

[SilverApples]

For a baby who doesn't give a toss anyway.

[Parmarella]

First ywbu
Then he responded by bu as well

Now both of you need to make of up.

[TeaJunky]

126 messages

Um, where shall I start

Ok! I'm still knackered (rough night with baby), and I'm now sleep deprived and pissed off. To answer some questions in random order:

Yes I perhaps did get abit carried away looking because DH was there to help with the kids and I could actually look properly. I'm very picky about clothes too hence it taking ages.

The restaurant was a proper restaurant not a buffet even though it was in a shopping centre. However I am the one who suggested it. DH said during the argument 'you only suggested coming here because you needed to get that job done', and if I'm really honest, he might be right



I'm just shattered all the God damn time and with him hardly being at home, my list of things to do is endless. I just want to get jobs done and a fucking decent nights sleep.
Is that too much to ask for?

He's just gone to work with his cheery jolly goodbyes and I'm still knackered and pissed off.
I realise this is sounding very unreasonable but I can't help it and it was only fucking 20 minutes

[BoundandRebound]

I hate shopping and would have been equally peeved. A quick exchange means 2 mins and possibly a few minutes queuing up, instead you went shopping.

I think yabu

[LittlePeaPod]

Oh god my idea of hell. If someone says they are exchanging something I except a quick in and out. Certainly not hanging around for 20minutes whilst they browse.

I am impressed he was as patient as he was for that long. Op YABU.

[Tabby1963]

Sounds like a typical 'husband/wife' exchange to me TeaJunky. He hates shopping (with you?), and trailing round after you for (what seems) ages and ages, hence the comment "this is what you always do".

I get irritated with my DH when he faffs around when we are getting read to leave for (say) a cinema visit. I like to leave when I have planned to (say, 7pm) and he's still on computer at ten to and still got his slippers on! Aaarrghhh! "You're not going to be ready for 7 we'll be late for the film" I mutter darkly. "You do this every time." Grrrr.

Still, I married him knowing that he is not anal about time like I am so I don't take it personally when he faffs, and I am more relaxed about leaving later than planned nowadays (and I haven't missed the start of a film yet).

[QuintessentialShadows]

Dont tell me you went to Westfield. I would have gotten sponk if I was waiting 20 minutes outside the Northface shop with the kids. Or Carphone warehouse, on a friday night.

[BoffinMum]

I am also in the YABU camp. It was not a big marital crime but it was annoying behaviour, and bit inconsiderate. Clothes shopping mission creep.

[CreatureRetorts]

This is the result of shit sleep. I have far too many of these type of arguments and get incredibly annoyed when DH then acts all breezy when, in my mind, it's not resolved.

However op I would have been annoyed. You admitted you were both tired, that's not the time to go shopping. Next time, send DH back to the car with kids while you faff do the shopping.

[Loopytiles]

Oh dear OP.

You mention that your DH works a lot and you do everything for the home, including everything you all need. That is hard work, can be difficult to switch off the "must do this, this and this" in your head, tempting to try and combine family time / holiday with getting stuff done! Or even just having time to browse on your own.

Are the current arrangements about who does what working for you?

[magicturnip]

I thought you were being a bit U but now I know you are totally demented through sleep deprivation you have my absolute sympathy. I reckon dhs's need to man up and take things like this on the chin when dw's are sleep deprived demented.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Why has he gone to work cheerfully on a Saturday morning?

[Tabby1963]

Hey TeaJunky, just thought, was he wanting to get back home in time for the new series of Strictly??

[TheBuskersDog]

You need to stop saying only 20 minutes, plenty of people have pointed out that 20 minutes is ages.