To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

i like the cut of your jib, teajunky.

All's well that ends well.

Glad that you are both happy again

Claudedbussy - why thank you, you're not s'bad yaself

Yes iliketosleep .. Thank you for that idea. It certainly is interesting.

LEM - I may just skip the Ice cream and go straight for the make up sex.

He wishes

Love languages is fascinating. A quick read last year or the last year really helped me get into DH's head (he's a physical contact person and really can't cope with not having lots of hugs; whereas I'm an acts of service person and think making his packed lunch is a reasonable substitute for sex ).

(he's a physical contact person and really can't cope with not having lots of hugs; whereas I'm an acts of service person and think making his packed lunch is a reasonable substitute for sex )

Lmao this is me! I need to read this book!

TeaJunky - I haven't read all of the thread - sorry - but it seems to me that this is a classic case of young-children-exhaustedness, coupled with a bit of miscommunication and misunderstanding on both parts, leading to both parties becoming a bit disproportionately cross.

And I remember feeling that way so well - when I had three small children at home, and dh was working long, long hours, and we were both having broken nights and early mornings.

Not for nothing is sleep deprivation a form of torture, recognised under the Geneva Convention!!

I think you need to accept that he was irked when his plans for a family evening out were hijacked with a chore (that only took 20 minutes - but that 20 minutes can be quite a long time for someone who doesn't enjoy shopping), and that maybe it was a bit unreasonable to spend 20 minutes browsing - but I also think that HE needs to accept that he was also unreasonable - he could have said he'd rather not attach the chore to the family evening, or he could have suggested he had an icecream with the children whilst you returned the clothes - and he could have told you, calmly, that he was reaching the end of his rope in the shop. Getting stroppy, sulking and the PA icecream thing was very unreasonable.

But I also think you both need to accept that you are both tired, and sleep deprived, and that that means that fairly small irritations can and will wind you up disproportionately - and maybe if you both know that that is how you are each feeling, you can see the overreactions for what they are - the product of exhaustion and the slog of work and early years child rearing - and that might make it easier to cope with.

I will just say that it does get better as the children get older. They will start sleeping through the night, and will be less intense and physically tiring to look after during the day, and the tiredness does abate.

So maybe you need to say to him, 'Darling, I think we both overreacted a bit last night - I am sorry if you felt I hijacked your evening with the chore that needed doing, and that I took 20 minutes in the shop - but I was hurt by your reaction, and you not buying me an icecream. Perhaps we can both apologise to eachother, have a hug, and move on?'

Who said anything about make up sex??? Will it be conciliatory and tender or ripping at panties against the wall fucking?

Who said anything about make up sex??? Will it be conciliatory and tender or ripping at panties against the wall fucking?

I wonder what some posters here mean by 'fun'.

Now 'tea', if you are going to have make up sex make sure you dont spoil the fun again. Agree beforehand on timetables,draw a plan, sign it, condidare his feelings, stick to pre agreed activities and dont you dare do anything spontaneous ok?

No ice cream in bed!

Yep, you're being unreasonable, sorry. Okay, he threw the toys out of the pram and over-reacted a bit, but to be honest, I don't blame him.
I HATE clothes shopping. It's so BORING. If we were doing a family day out and my DH had left me bored witless with the two kids in tow, (who would in all likelihood be bored witless too and playing up, I'd be pissed off too!
Twenty minutes is a long time to fanny about in a shop, you were hardly just exchanging something.
It's you who changed the tone of the evening.

Good idea about the sex timetable Laquitar.

And remember he won't want to take 20 minutes over it. A quick in and out should suffice

Typos.

One time when faffing is actively encouraged.

Glad the Love Languages stuff was useful. It was immensely helpful to me. Unfortunately my DH's love language is acts of service...if I wash his hair for him he feels all nurtured. I just get heebie jeebies about having his dandruff up under my fingernails ! Still, I have learned that on the days I am at home having a quick tidy round and sorting the washing before my DH gets home makes him substantially less grumpy, and takes me about 20 mins (20 mins! Again!) - whereas I am a 'quality time' girl who was busy playing with the kids in a house like a bombsite..so we were quite mismatched...the love languages book helped a lot.

YANBU at all.

If he didn't want to go to the shops he could have said so graciously or else gone and looked at computers or toy cars or whatever interested him. He's your DH so presumably knows what's likely to happen when you go into a shop. He agreed to it on that basis then threw a twatty strop and behaved like a four-year-old.

I would expect to have the riot act read to me forwards, backwards and forwards again if I did that.

I'm glad it all worked out in the end

However

Charitygirl Miseries? Miserable lives because clothes shopping for a baby is not the epitome of fun! Really. GTF

I think you were both being a bit unreasonable. You for taking too long and him for getting in a strop. You are both tired and perhaps ending the evening in a shop browsing wasn't the best idea.

YANBU. If only because I HATE the whole concept of "family time". Bleurgh.
So what, you piddled about for 20 mins getting some clothes while you were already at the shopping mall.
He behaved like a 4 year old, with all the "well you ruined it now" bollocks and not getting you an ice cream.
Twat.

Ok ifnot I said we've made up. No need to carry on with the twattyness.

ifNot me too - its so contrived.
And in my head its always Faaaaaaaamly time a la Peggy Mitchell

I can believe that 20 minutes is such a big deal - I loathe football, cricket and cycling but my DH loves them I wouldn't go into meltdown like a toddler because he spent 20 minutes of familytime watching them and asked me to watch/join in too.
Your DH seems to like labelling you OP.

OP someone in your relationship is controlling - its not you

Op your DH shouted at you because you spent 20 minutes shopping and you ended up being the one apologising-- wrong in every way.

Leave the bastard.