To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

[TeaJunky]

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking.

Testing his love was a poster's interpretation of a statement by the OP that she thought he would enjoy buying clothes for the daughter because he had never done it before. Weird thing to say. Weird interpretation.

I want to know about holidays. I wonder if OP is one of those people who disappear into bazaars and spend hours haggling over sarongs.

You could go back any day. Woman up and drive there. You have a car. Go there, do what you need to go and get out. You don't need a man to hold your hand.

The more you go on about being tired, the more unreasonable you are getting. Why would exhausted people who have had a nice meal and when winding down on a Friday evening start doing chores? It was never going to end well was it? I just don't get it. You seem to be martyring yourself - your DH takes you out for a meal and despite being tired you want to hijack some down time to fit in another job. It is like you are say 'look at me, still doing chores on a Friday night, even though it is was a hard week. I am never off duty and I'm never going to let you forget it, feel my pain'. Only of course you could have just gone for a meal and relaxed. You didn't need to make into a big deal. It wasn't necessary.

I am wondering how you bought these clothes in the first place when you have never driven to this shopping centre alone. I just hope you haven't already dragged your poor DH round the shop before when you made you initial purchase. If you took that long last time as well I bet he didn't want to do it again.

And, TBH, I am getting suspicious sbout the 20 minutes. I bet it was longer. We all tend to lose track of time when we are doing our own thing. I bet you poor DH felt every minute of it.

"Actually Ive decided Im not apologising."

Fucking hell Im surprised I just fell off my chair.

Your dd1 is at school. You said your DH takes her every morning. Why can't you get up, get ready and go while she's at school then you'll just have dd2 who is in the pushchair?

Exactly whattodo.

I think you need yourself a SatNav.

Bigboobied - I asked that too. The op hasn't replied.

Not wanting to spend 20 minutes clothes shopping when you think your going out for a meal isn't bowing out of family life.

This isn't a biggy really is it, both of you I think contributed to the argument.

Just sort it out and have a nice day.

Yabu. I think it was you who spoilt the evening. Your dh had a long and probably stressfull week at work (and you at home). Going shopping with a four yr old on a Friday evening after a lovely and relaxing meal with the family would be the last thing anybody would want.

Speak to him and make up.

It isn't easy taking kids shopping. That's why I do the majority on line - or get DP to have the kids one morning on the weekend and I can go on my own.

Maybe your dh had some plans for after the food? Maybe he was going to whisk you all home, help get the kids to bed and have a nice relaxing evening with you?

And you spoiled it with shopping. Yes, you were having a browse - lovely. But not everyone sees 20 minutes in a shop as relaxing and he was looking after the kids who were probably bored after 5 minutes.

Op YANBU

You killed two birds with one stone - where's the problem? Good use of time I'd say.

I want to see MNHQ's reason for deleting this thread. I'm putting money on 'Well, it turned into a bit of a bunfight didn't it'

You were unreasonable. No sane person wants to go shopping after dinner on a Friday night and if you had an exchange you had to make, you should have done it efficiently or with a discussion about you wanting to take your time and have a look around the shop while you were there. I'd be pissed off if someone said 'I want to exchange this while we are there' then faffing for 20 minutes. If you are going to be that long, fine, but tell him and he can decide what he wants to do - browse with you, take DD1 for an ice cream or to the toy shop etc.

Go & see your GP. It's not actually normal to be that tired with only a 4yo & a baby and see what you can do about DD1 waking in the night.

I went with a friend who drove there the last time.

And guess what.

One of the replacements I bought yesterday is a bit of a tight fit on dd ........

I have changed my opinion to yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu. Maybe cos I am married to a faffer and this thread is making the steam come out of my ears! You clearly have a lot of form for this type of behaviour and I'm guessing your dh has just had to put up with it til now, given your reaction to this. So he has a minor strop, is over it by the next morning and you're still brooding over something where you were in the wrong! My dh also gets all offended if you take issue with him over his faffing or being late, drives me mad. You were meant to be having fun together not going shopping - or that's what your poor husband thought.

Chipping - I've been to the gp last week. Gp has taken bloods to check for imbalanced hormones.

Why can't you drive? What's the point of having a car at your disposal if it can't take you where you want to go at a time that suits you?

You are starting to irritate me now.

Why are you unable to woman up and deal with stuff? Get in the car when dd1 is at school, do exchange, come home. Roads will be quieter as not rush hour.

Did you drive last night with your DP beside you to get used to the drive? Get a sat ac for your phone? Use google maps?

Omg this is one of those threads when i feel i am from another planet. I read the op and i thought that most posters will be on her side. I m very surprised at the replies.

I cant stand military plans with no flexibility, a fun day is....having fun. Spontaneous fun. U have deadlines at work. U dont need them on the fun day too.

He could a) participate in the shopping, b) wait outside c) go to buy ice cream, chat to the kids outside, people watching, etc. Big deal!

Op 20 minutes is nothing (grin)

Oh and the clue is on the word 'dominating'. He needs to chill out a bit

apachepony I am with you, ditheries and faffers drive me up the wall. I have a close friend that I refuse to go shopping with. Last time we went shopping I walked out and left her in the shop.

Whatdoido, I'm starting to irritate you? Really? Well, you fucked me off a long time ago, so I guess we're equal now

Buy and read 'the 5 love languages'. Its schmaltzy and American but this is a classic case.

From the sound of it, your love language is around 'things'. Spending time making sure your family is nicely dressed, there are nice things in your home etc is the way you show your family your love for them. THerefore spending 20 mins (or however long) in a shop to ensure your DD's clothes are right is an act of love for you. You seem to wish that DH felt the same, because if he really loved your DD he would see that its important that her clothes are nice and have been picked out specially.

Your DH seems to have 'quality time' as his love language. He doesn't give two hoots if DD2 has clothes that look a bit grubby and spending time in a shop picking things out isn't an act of love, its an act of selfishness and indecisiveness that drives him insane. But for him spending time with no other agenda is really important - hence he spends time taking DD1 to school, bathing the kids etc because time is important to him. And while you thought you were showing your love for your family in shopping for them, he thought you were ruining his agenda free quality time.

Your two ways of showing your love for your family clashed in this incident, which is why neither of you can see that you were both a bit right and both a bit wrong.

I would suggest that you accept that he is a 'quality time' person and you are a 'gifts/ things' person, which are both good ways to be, but different ways to be, and you need to respect each others' way of being. He will not ever like shopping, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love the kids. Just understand that, and that what he wants from you is agenda free time, and vice versa.

I agree Laquitar
20 minutes - big deal!

If he was tired - say so, instead of stropping.

20 minutes is plenty if you're the one left entertaining the kids in a shop.

Had it been 5 minutes - in shop, get next size up, exchange - that would be fair enough. I doubt the dh had thought his dw would take so long or he could have taken the kids to get ice cream or something.

Why can't you drive to the shopping mall?