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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad at DH for spoiling the evening?

502 replies

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 00:05

It's been a long week for both of us. Long hours at work for him and me at home with dd1 (4) and dd2 (10 months).

DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there.

DH arrives home and we are all ready, we get to the restaurant in good spirits and DH comments on how we're going to have a nice fun evening after a long hard week. We eat and enjoy the meal. Then we walk into the shopping mall and i tell DH I'd like to do the exchange now to which he agrees.

We go to the shop and I start to look for some clothes I can exchange with and DH starts to look antsy but he's ok. I continue looking, and ask his opinion on a couple of outfits to which he gives helpful answers. I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done, and he gets really annoyed. He said, 'this is what you always do. This is what you did on holiday'. Then he sat there with a face on while I looked (for the whole of 2 minutes), and waited outside with dd1 while I did the exchange.

When I came out I was annoyed and he was in a big huff and we argued Hmm

I'm really upset at how impatient he was being. I'd only been in the shop for a maximum of 20 minutes. I'm the one who usually does all the shopping and clothes buying and so what if he had to 'waste' 20 minutes of his precious time while I BOUGHT CLOTHES FOR OUR CHILD.

He said I always try to dominate every situation and that I ruined the plans, and we were supposed to be having family fun time. I asked him what plans and he said 'what's the fucking point in asking now'.

We drove home in silence (with dd1 chattering away to herself in the back) and have both come to bed without talking. Hmm

OP posts:
Longtallsally · 28/09/2013 11:09

Oh for goodness sake, what a lot of strong reactions about something which has got blown out of all proportion! I can understand exactly why you feel bruised this morning, but can also see why he was miffed last night. This is what parenthood is like in the early days. You are both knackered. You both tried to do things that were for the benefit of your family. It went wrong because

a) he does not realise (and probably never will realise) how precious it can be to have 20 minutes to get a job done properly with him looking after dd1

b) you did not realise how much it meant to him to have you all together for an evening (and possibly on holiday too) to relax, have fun, giggle - some of the things that get lost when you are both tired/too busy to even breathe sometimes.

Once he disappears off to work, he has no idea how hard you work all day. You probably have no idea how left out he can feel, missing out on all the small things that happen in a family during the day. It's haaaard being a sleep deprived couple with small children. Say sorry if it will help. Hug. If you can, when you next organise a trip out, remember that he has certain expectations in mind, but may not have told you, so ask him first what he thinks you will all do/not do. If you want to get something done sometime, try and ask him/explain in advance why it would be nice to have him there.

Best of luck

PeachesandStrawberry · 28/09/2013 11:11

Talk about sheep.

OP.

I don't blame you.

Viviennemary · 28/09/2013 11:12

Your DH hates shopping so 20 minutes will seem like forever to him. If we go to the shops I more or less have to specify to DH which shops and if I add a shop he complains. But I need him to carry the stuff. Grin

Whatdoido5 · 28/09/2013 11:12

This bit ohforduckssake

"I thought he might even actually enjoy it because he's never been clothes shopping for dd2 , and if I had been him I would have loved to have the chance to do that for once, but obviously he didn't feel that way"

I read that as he failed a test of love for dd2 by not wanting to change the clothes.

wickeddevil · 28/09/2013 11:15

How how how can you spend 20 minutes choosing children's clothes?

Your DH tantrum was unreasonable

Your behaviour incomprehensible.

OHforDUCKScake · 28/09/2013 11:16

You dont blame the OP for what peaches? Lying to her husband? Expecting him to drive her to town after work on a friday so she can go clothes shopping? For 'testing his love for his daughter'? For 'not giving a fuck' about being unreasonable?

nkf · 28/09/2013 11:17

He probably has never done the children's clothes shopping because he doesn't like doing it.

nkf · 28/09/2013 11:17

Oh, for heaven's sake - lying!!! That is a bit much. Hidden agenda yes but lying is a bit strong.

Online is the way to go, my friend.

Whatdoido5 · 28/09/2013 11:18

Ow did you buy the clothes in the first place? Since you're returning them and dd is 10 months I'm assuming they weren't a gift and you bought them. So how did you do that?

OHforDUCKScake · 28/09/2013 11:19

Eh?

She admitted the meal thing was BS so she could swap the clothes.

The OP was also a blatant lie which she admitted.

ahandfulofnames · 28/09/2013 11:19

Yanbu

I would have done the same as you. I wouldn't apologize, after all he didn't buy you an ice cream, and he sulked.

KatieScarlett2833 · 28/09/2013 11:20

Blatant lie GrinGrinGrinGrin
Hardly.

NewNameforNewTerm · 28/09/2013 11:20

Why is it sheep Peaches? Can't people have the same opinions without being sheep?

heartisaspade · 28/09/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHforDUCKScake · 28/09/2013 11:23

Blatant lie - "DH rang earlier to say he's taking us out to dinner to our favourite Chinese restaurant which is in a huge shopping mall. I had an exchange to do for dd2's clothes and thought I'd get it sorted while we were there."

He did no such thing, she asked him to take her out to a chinese. By which she meant "DH drive me to town because Im too much of a wuss to drive myself so I can go clothes shopping. I do not give a fuck if you are knackered and its friday night."

Whatdoido5 · 28/09/2013 11:24

I'm not a sheep.

I hate clothes shopping. I'm a go into shop. Find something that fits. Buy it. Go out again person

Especially if I have a child with me.

Even if I'm shopping for the child. And especially when they're 10 months and don't care what they're dressed in.

You wanted to go to THAT restaurant to facilitate changing the clothes. It was put to your DP as a quick in and out job. Which it wasn't. You were disingenuous.

And if you wanted an ice cream why didn't you buy your own? He didn't buy himself one and eat it front of you - maybe he'd bribed dd with one as a reward?

nkf · 28/09/2013 11:25

Eh? So he wanted to stay home? Or go somewhere local? Missed this.

allmycats · 28/09/2013 11:25

You are both being unreasonable
You for the extended shopping
Him for his reaction
Both of you need a kick up the arse and then you can just get on with your day(s).

WeAllHaveWings · 28/09/2013 11:25

Sorry YABU, I don't enjoy shopping and avoid going shopping with anyone who loves to browse (dh is much worse than me and thinks even I take too long!)

I choose some clothes then say, I'm just going to take one last look on that side and then I'm done would have driven me insane after 20 minutes too!

HotCrossPun · 28/09/2013 11:25

Ducks I can't see where the OP said that she was 'testing his love for his children' was that not just another posters interpretation?

OHforDUCKScake · 28/09/2013 11:27

She called him and asked him if he wanted to go for a chinese.

In the OP she said HE called her and said he was taking her out for a chinese.

What she REALLY meant (which she admitted!) was that she wanted him to drive her to town because she didnt want to drive herself there , so she could go clothes shopping.

This pissed him off once he realised. Understandably.

Hunfriend · 28/09/2013 11:28

OMFG !
20 minutes and he goes off on one Hmm

My DH would have taken the DD to buy a book or a comic and then got an icecream.

The issue is you are not communicating well - you "DH I want to have browse for baby clothes"
Him " Im really tired, Ill take DD to buy a book but I would like to go after that"
You aren't communicating your expectations clearly ,either of you.

TeaJunky · 28/09/2013 11:28

Ohforducksake - I don't know what point you're trying to make by calling me a liar and saying my op is bullshit etc. and I don't understand why you are so vehemently pointing out all my errors, as though you're some kind of self appointed relationship police. Get over yourself. Yes I went to that particular place at that particular time because I could do another job at the same time that I can't otherwise do.
So what?
It doesn't mean it's not one of our favourite restaurants and I knew we all love eating there.
Actually, I've decided I'm not apologising. He got into a strop for no reason at all and then sulked and cut the plans short (whatever they were)and came home. Over something so insignificant.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 28/09/2013 11:28

hotcross No I agree there, I take that back that was someone else reading something that wasnt there.

I thought they had actually read it and Id missed a post.

Whatdoido5 · 28/09/2013 11:28

T might be my interpretation. But I read it as the op equates love for children with buying them clothes. And her DH hasn't gone clothes shopping for dd and she was putting her expectation on him that he should enjoy it.

Shock horror. Some people don't equate love for kids with shopping for clothes for them.

My dd was mostly dressed in tesco stuff at that age because I could pick bits up with the groceries. Clearly I don't love her. Hmm

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