To not understand why you'd boast about a natural childbirth?

[HolaGuapo]

A colleague of mine had a baby girl this morning.
Long backstory with the colleague but to cut it short - she's very strange, everything is always about her (constantly) and how much money etc she has and a couple of people at work have said things along the lines of she's a bit of a narcissist. Her life seems to be one constant, long drama (she's bragged about the fact that she tricked her ex into getting her pregnant and then at 30 weeks was engaged to a guy she'd known 2 weeks and he is apparently taking the baby on as his own) and she lies about a lot of things.

So I went on Facebook, saw she'd posted 'DD born this morning, weighs x' etc. at the end of the status she put 'no pain relief used except a tiny bit of gas and air. So proud of myself'. I commented congratulations, and she replied saying 'thanks, I'm so amazed, I can't believe i did it with only a small amount of gas and air, so proud of myself for not needing anything else'. Scrolling up I saw everyone who had congratulated had also had this kind of reply.
I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my first and I have a low pain threshold so know I will need some sort of pain relief. However, even if I didn't, I wouldn't be boasting about how much (or how little) pain relief I'd used!
AIBU to just not understand why you'd boast about this?

It was important to her so she is proud herself. Why shouldn't she be.

I have friends who are obsessed with competing in triathlons. They are pretty pleased with themselves too. I can't personally compete but I don't complain that athletes can only do it because they are "lucky". I understand that there are elements of luck AND elements of bloody hard work AND elements of motivation. You can still feel pleased for someone if they have done something you didn't want to do OR something you physically couldn't do. Or something you personally couldn't care less about. It is not a comment on you and your choices and circumstances.

I agree Thurlow

My 'pride' at how I managed natural births arose from my assumption that's would be utterly shite, not pride in being better than anyone else.

Whenever I tell people I had a vaginal delivery for the twins they always tell me 'well done'...which puzzles me!

I can see why people are proud of natural birth. I'm proud of myself that I survived DS's natural birth. I thought I was going to die. Even years later the thought of the pain makes me shudder. For DD I had an epidural. It was without doubt one of the nicest experience of my life. I was spared the pain but I wasnt proud of myself in the same way as I had not endured as much. My epidural birth was infinitely better than my natural birth. Having had both I now think people who have no pain relief are mad but each to their own.

Yes. In the OP's friend's post, I can see why "proud of myself for not needing anything else" might rub people up the wrong way (though said friend has just given birth, she more than deserves the benefit of the doubt).

Sometimes the way people express their pride in a natural and pain-relief birth can easily come across as "well, if you had just tried a little harder or been a little tougher you could have done it too."

I think it all ties in with a lot of publicity at the moment for natural births, hypnobirthing, talk of the cascade of intervention etc. Before birth women can feel that the best thing for their baby is to have a pain-relief or intervention free birth. Then when things don't work out that way, they blame themselves in one way or another, and than feel very sensitive to any comments about natural birth.

I do NOT understand this pov! I had an epidural both times and would have had it fitted at month 6 to be assured of complete pain relief if I could - I hate being in pain. At the same time could I care less how any of my family or friends dealt with their births?? Not at all and yet those who had no pain relief do feel compelled to see it as a badge of honour. My very very good friend is disgusted by those who have medication for pain relief during child birth - it is one of those points we agree to disagree on!

Op, I also have a low pain threshold, but gave birth to dc2 with no pain relief in just 90 mins, at home. I am proud of that. It might upset you, but it is the truth.

Dc1, I had gas and air and pethedine, it took 2 days to get baby out. I am proud of that. Dc3, I had gas and air and delivered at home in 3 hours. I am proud of that.

My point is, I imagine she may well just be proud that she has given birth to a beautiful baby. If she chooses to post it on fb, that is her business, if you don't want to read about it, don't. I expect her boastfulness may increase with child though, all the new things baby does will be posted, so you may be wise to distance your self from her if it annoys you that much.

You may find you surprise yourself and give birth with no pain relief too. Pain threshold means nothing on your baby's birth day. The circumstances surrounding the birth mean everything.

pigstack i think its because it has been proven that epidurals mean the chance of needing further intervention is higher,so things like forceps ventouse,c section,thats usually why people dont think you have pain relief unless you really need it,so if your really not coping well and getting distressed or have been in labour for a long time and are knackered.Also things like pethadine can pass to the baby and cause complications but i think that a if its given too late.

I think it's a travesty that we still have to give birth in any manner at all, you'd think we'd have figured out a better way by now.

The whole thing is just messy, embarrassing and fucking painful.

I might start a petition

It may not be true, of course. She may be posting this from her post-op ward full of Caesareanned women telling the midwives they can't get their pain-relieving suppositories in (voice of experience).

You're pregnant, so try to treat everyone else's birth stories with complete indifference (there will be lots of them, they could seriously freak you out). Don't let her thinking influence you at all, especially as she's a bit of a twit.

I think you're being mean OP. giving birth is a big deal, and it is ok for your friend to be proud of herself for doing it without pain relief. She might have thought she wouldn't be able to cope, and is just happy that she did.

I appreciate it doesn't need to be commented on endlessly, but she should be able to say she's proud of herself without other people making it about them. I very much don't she meant it as as dig at anyone else, she's just in the first throes of amazement about the baby her body managed to produce. She's talking about how she feels about herself, not anyone else.

If other people have a problem with it then it says a lot more about what they think of themselves than what she thinks of them.

Very much agree on the pride thing. The women OP mentions is clearly very pleased with herself. She's given birth, it's something we all feel a range of emotions after.

The point, I think, is that the OP states that not only does her colleague mention the lack of pain relief in the original post, when OP congratulated on the new arrival, the reply was "I can't believe I did it with only a small amount of gas and air, so proud of myself for not needing anything else" and she then goes on to give the same response to every other congratulations on the baby message.

She's obviously putting a lot of emphasis on feeling smug that she didn't have anything else. And letting everyone know about it. Little does she realise that no one thinks any better of her for it, they just think, hmm, she's a bit of an arse for banging on and on expecting us to all be impressed.

Sign her up to MN, she'll soon learn

wtf? Do people even read OP's any more?

All these people saying 'oh she is probably just proud of giving birth...'

The OP says ' I can't believe i did it with only a small amount of gas and air, so proud of myself for not needing anything else'

How can you read that as anything other than pride in not needing anything else? I mean, it is what the actual words say?

I agree with sugarhut especially thinking about what you would think of someone saying 'I am so proud of myself for getting through a root canal with no pain relief'

You can be glad you had no need of pain relief, or glad that the need wasn't large enough to actually bother with any. I know I would have been glad if I hadn't needed any....but proud? That makes it sound like you believe you are personally to be congratulated for the behaviour of your nervous system...like it is something you worked at...

Ha, look at that Ice, we were both getting irked at the main message of the OP being lost.

I think the clever ones are ones like me who have an epidural!!
We have evolved and don't need to be martyrs.
I mean you wouldn't have a natural migraine would you a d be all proud of yourself because you'd not had a codeine!

I had four babies, at home with no pain relief and no intervention. I'm extremely proud and feel blessed to have felt the whole thing and to have such incredible clear memories of these most intense and special times in my life. I felt massively empowered after each one.

I really wish that more women - who want to go down this road - had the support and help they need so they are able to do it. After struggling to be listened to and respected by the NHS, I had to hire independent midwives to take me seriously and I had those same women for every birth. We're by no means rich but this was non negotiable for me.

I don't 'boast' about it. In fact I rarely tell anyone unless they ask because I know how mean spirited so many women are, as can be seen on this thread.

At first, in my naivety, I wanted to spread the word, campaign for others, flag up the politics of childbirth which I think prevent so many women from getting the help, support and general service that they need at these important times. I learned pretty quickly to keep my mouth shut though lest I be labelled a boaster.

So what if she's proud of herself for not needing anything else?

I don't se why that bit makes much difference. She is allowed to be proud of herself for not needing pain relief.

Maybe there were times during her labour when she thought about asking for pain relief, but decided to give herself a little longer each time when someone else might have chosen to ask for an epidural. If she did, then she put personal mental effort into avoiding pain relief, nothing to do with whether her nervous system needed her to or not.

There is choice involved when it comes to pain relief for many people, it's not a case of simply needing it or not needing it in the same was as needing a plaster cast for a broken bone that's either broken or not.

Why are some women do determined to piss all over other women's feelings?

sugar hmmm a nice comfy couch!

Anyway, if one is supposed to be proud of ones insensitivity to the pain stimulus then what am I supposed to be regarding my extreme sensitivity to pain? Am I supposed to be ashamed of my efficient neurotransmitters?
I am supposed to be ashamed of their refusal to be influenced by either naturally occurring or synthetic pain killers?

Are people ashamed or proud of their genetic inheritance generally? I have always assumed it was outside of my control and hence nothing to be either proud or ashamed of...

Ledkr

I woud have taken anything going.
Perhaps ultimately my pride should be at not killing the maternity staff that said I could have nothing.

She's just given birth FFS. Her innards will feel like they're about to drop out and she'll possibly have piles the size of New Zealand. Why care about what in her blissed up haze she posts on Facebook.

If you have to get one up on her, give it three days when the hormones fuck off and she cries because she gets a slightly manky carrot at dinner time and reply snarkily. You'll feel much better about yourself then.

FWIW, I had gas and air, pethadine and an epidural with both of mine as frankly pain isn't my thang. Couldn't give a toss about what others do and it amazes me that people could get so het up about it.

Spidermama, I don't think it is women being mean-spirited. It's just a very, very sensitive subject and I have never seen a conversation on MN about this topic that has been entirely rational or where someone doesn't say they feel hurt or insulted.

Women who didn't have pain-relief and feel they fought hard to manage a birth without it seem to feel criticised for bragging about their experience.

Women who did take pain relief feel criticised for wimping out or not working hard enough.

It's probably a no-win situation Can't we all just be friends and respect other people's opinions on their own birth?

broken weirdly it turns out that the number one factor influencing the use of pain relief is the amount of pain you are actually in.

It is a big unwarrented assumption to think that someone had no pain relief more because they were stubborn than because they were in low levels of pain...

and even if it was stubborness...why is that praiseworthy?

Do we celebrate the people who cause themselves pain unnecessarily just to prove they can take it? Or do we sort of assume they are nuts?

Leave her to it.

When your turn comes, go with whatever you need. There are NO medals for bravery. Don't put off asking for pain relief or anything else you feel you need.

I had intervention and my consultant told me, 'you'll probably feel a bit traumatised in a few days.' I said the only thing that mattered was having a healthy baby. A few days later I did feel a bit like that, like somehow I had been out of control, that a forceps delivery was somehow 'cheating', my contractions weren't enough, etc, I'd failed. I could go on but this is not about me.

Your body is made for making, gestating and delivering babies (sorry to be so biologically determinist). Too many people make their living by having a say on conception, pregnancy, birth, etc, and many are men who have not the slightest idea of what it feels like to have a contraction. (Not to mention the psychologist/therapist/whatever who said that contractions were like orgasms. She must be used to some pretty rough sex, is all I can say.) So we feel inadequate, and this is a time when you are vulnerable to insecurity. The birth will happen BUT it is what follows after the labour that is most important -being a mother. And no medals for that either.

Get sleep now because you won't be getting much later.

Good luck, try not to worry about labour and enjoy what you have left of your pregnancy.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder OP, she has every right to be proud of the way she gave birth. She is clearly on a high. I really don't get the backstory either, what has that got to do with anything? It just makes you sound judgemental and sneery.