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AIBU?

Aibu to not help organise mil party?

141 replies

Pinupgirl · 22/09/2013 14:43

Mil got a big birthday coming up and is making a huge song and dance about it.Has booked private room in a restaurant. I know sil is going to be faffing about organising a surprise cake,banner,balloons etc-she did this for fil too.Am I bu to not do this too? Suspect they probably think so but she has 2 sons who could do it and choose not to.Im a bad dil are'nt I?

OP posts:

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SunshineMMum · 23/09/2013 14:35

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HappyAsEyeAm · 23/09/2013 14:57

Does your MIL ever do anything nice for you, or anything to help you? If the answer is no, then I get where you are coming from, especially if you have been the giver of time, money, thought etc in the past. After a while, you can feel that one way traffic is a mug's game.

WinkyWinkola · 24/09/2013 05:51

Op, just ask her if there is anything you and your dh can do to help. Warn your dh you're going to do this.

It's the right thing to do and will avoid bad feeling.

I find the "I look at my ds and I could weep" brigade hilarious though. A lot of Poor Me Mils in the making. I feel sorry for their dils in advance.

ladymariner · 24/09/2013 07:24

I've read this through and I still don't really get why it's in AIBU? Op, you clearly think you aren't and you just seem to want to vent about your in-laws, nearly every post is another snide remark. So don't offer. Ok they will, in your opinion, bitch about you but the way you think about them is obvious so it shouldn't matter to you. Why did you turn down the offer of a lift, btw, and them be snarky about sil being a martyr?

They haven't even asked you to help and you're getting annoyed about it, but they are probably aware of how you feel and don't think it's worth the hassle. As they haven't asked you to help, and you absolutely don't want to help then don't. Just go to the party, look after your children and look down your nose at everyone else having a good time while you play the childcare martyr

Alternatively you could offer to help, sil will no doubt tell you she's got everything under control and then you've at least offered so if there is any comeback you've got an answer for them.

curlew · 24/09/2013 08:21

"Fil very kindly offered to book a mini van and pick every one up but we told him we will all just make our own way there. "

Well, that was sensible, wasn't it?

Pinupgirl · 24/09/2013 16:17

Again whats with this humfy face curlew?-I told fil not to bother with the mini van as I didn't think It was fair on him to be used as a taxi and it would mean he couldn't enjoy a drink.

Again I will repeat that if I were asked to help then I would but its the fact that dh and his brother will not be expected to help at all that pisses me off.

I asked if bu because I do feel a bit guilty about not helping-even though dh clearly doesn't-but actually I don't really care that much.

OP posts:

ladymariner · 24/09/2013 18:20

We'd never have guessed.......

digerd · 24/09/2013 18:42

Yes OP, it has always been the women who do the catering and prettying up. The men do the DIY stuff that needs drilling into a wall or hanging something on the ceiling from a ladder, moving heavy furniture etc.
Yanbu to expect both sons to help out as much as the DD and DIL.
How old is MIL? Perhaps she was brought up in the olden days and didn't expect her 2 sons to do any household chores?

cingolimama · 24/09/2013 19:29

IMO there are two separate things at work here:

OP feels that her DH doesn't do anything for either her MIL or her mum, that instead it's expected that the women do all the faffing. That would drive me bananas and should be challenged.
OP's general attitude towards her ILs, which is grudging to say the least.

What I object to is the OP trying to make this some kind of feminist statement out of a mean-spirited refusal to participate in making someone's significant birthday special.

I can't understand people who say "it's not my mum, it's his mum". Are you not all family? If not why on earth get married?

Pinupgirl · 28/09/2013 12:19

An update for anyone who is interested-there were no balloons or cake-sil had obviously decided that if her own sons weren't making an effort they why should she.

As predicted sil drove and sat with a face like a slapped arse all night so I was right on that count.

I did feel a bit bad for mil as the meal and the service in the restaurant were dire and it put a downer on the evening. Dh tried to pay and fil was having none of it.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 28/09/2013 14:13

So it was all a bit shit really?

You all sound a bit mean and thoughtless really.

IamSlave · 28/09/2013 14:18

What a dreadful woman for getting all worked up about her birthday!

Shame on your MIL

everlong · 28/09/2013 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/09/2013 14:52

You all sound horrid.

Including FIL - why couldn't he organise a cake for his own wife?

perfectstorm · 28/09/2013 16:03

Her husband and sons should be ashamed. How much work is it to order a damn cake?

Pinupgirl · 28/09/2013 16:09

I have to admit I was surprised at the lack of cake but come to think of it mil and fil have been on a diet so perhaps that was the reason?

As I said I did feel sorry fpr her as the meal was so shit and I could tell she was disappointed about it. Fil,dh and bil retired to the dining room with a bottle of whisky and all us women folk were left together so some things never change!

OP posts:

Donkeyok · 28/09/2013 16:14

Why don't you check with dh what he wants to do. Its his mum. If the others are bitchy to you then going and sitting with your dc while everyone else gets pissed is enough though not much fun in restaurant. Get her a nice present.

Donkeyok · 28/09/2013 16:15

Whoops didn't read whole thread

themaltesefalcon · 28/09/2013 16:15

Poor MIL.

It's not your fault, OP, but the men in the family, your husband included, are horrible.

everlong · 28/09/2013 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

themaltesefalcon · 28/09/2013 16:23

Out of interest, what was the big birthday, OP?

I'm not attacking you. It wasn't your responsibility, and since your SIL organised cake and balloons for your FIL, it was quite natural for you to assume that these would be in place for your MIL as well.

Pinupgirl · 28/09/2013 16:27

If I had said to dh about getting a cake/balloons then I would just have got a face-dh is very much of the mind set that big birthday celebrations for adults are a bit daft. He didn't even phone his mum on her actual birthday-he was very busy at work but still. I did tell him that was out of order.

Its not my job to organise all the birthday celebrations for both my family and dh's everlong just because dh and his brother are too selfish/lazy to do so. Tbh this behaviour is indulged by mil.

OP posts:

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everlong · 28/09/2013 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladymariner · 29/09/2013 00:57

So that poor woman sat there on her birthday, in a restaurant that she had to book herself, had no balloons, cake or any fuss made of her whatsoever, her family all at loggerheads......well, I hope you're pleased with yourselves. Bloody horrible, the lot of you.

Retroformica · 29/09/2013 08:00

I so think you are being slightly pedantic about not helping but you obviously feel that women and men are treated differently in your extended family. I also would be tempted to dig my heels in if only one sex was expected to do some duty.

It's different where I am though. We all muck in regardless of sex. We all help if we can.

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