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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not help organise mil party?

141 replies

Pinupgirl · 22/09/2013 14:43

Mil got a big birthday coming up and is making a huge song and dance about it.Has booked private room in a restaurant. I know sil is going to be faffing about organising a surprise cake,banner,balloons etc-she did this for fil too.Am I bu to not do this too? Suspect they probably think so but she has 2 sons who could do it and choose not to.Im a bad dil are'nt I?

OP posts:

parakeet · 22/09/2013 20:57

Bollocks to 'the girls should all muck in' while the woman's own offspring get to sit and scratch their balls!

This

HaroldLloyd · 22/09/2013 21:04

Why don't you tell your DH to get his finger out of his arse and do something nice for his mum?

Apart from that I think your being a little grumpy. Id offer to help and make sure DP did his fair share, but it's unlikely to be that onerous?

Sounds like they are pitching in too, Mil booked the room and FIL has offered to take you.

RabbitFromAHat · 22/09/2013 21:05

It's the mens' business, not yours. I would not do a thing, and I would direct all queries relating it to my husband, with a theatrical flourish of the fucking arm. Fuck mucking in, that's his business.

HaroldLloyd · 22/09/2013 21:11

Don't families muck in?

What if it was the other way around and the MIL was saying fuck DILs birthday it's not my business?

Sheesh.

ImperialBlether · 22/09/2013 21:14

So have you said to your husband, oh, come on, let's do something for your mother for her birthday? I feel quite sorry for your mother-in-law actually. Her daughter clearly cares for her but the other three in the family clearly don't.

DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2013 21:16

YANBU. Your husband, her son, can do it surely?

DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2013 21:18

And it's not even your job to nudge or prod your DH into doing it. If he can't be arsed then he can't be arsed. Why should it be u to you to sort any of it out.

HaroldLloyd · 22/09/2013 21:20

Wow. OP might have some history to explain this but do you really operate on those lines?

Sorry MIL we don't share DNA I won't be blowing up your balloons.

Nice!

MidniteScribbler · 22/09/2013 21:25

With the OPs attitude, is she sure she's even going to be getting an invitation?

natwebb79 · 22/09/2013 21:33

The OP's username rings a bell and if it's the MIL I'm thinking of she sounds like a PITA and I wouldn't be arsed to 'muck in' either.

everlong · 22/09/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2013 22:34

Sorry but my DH wouldn't give a shit about arranging.a party for my mum so why should every woman in the world have to give a shit about arranging parties for their inlaws?

It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want to take on the responsibility of doing stuff for people you'd rather not do stuff for. Some women are such martyrs.

Of course there are women out thre who just love getting stuck in with anything they are asked/expected to do but no one should feel like they have to do something just because they are vaguely related.

Mintyy · 22/09/2013 22:38

Yabu. You are taking your irritation out on your mil (charming) when it is actually her two sons who are pissing you off. I assume one of them is your H? Have you shared your thoughts with him?

everlong · 22/09/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 22/09/2013 22:45

As so often when I read threads like this, I look at my gorgeous ds and want to weep.

DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2013 22:50

There's ore to this though. Thenop knows the expectation is on her, not her DH. That his family thik that as a woman she should be getting involved. Why should her gender mean she should be? Why doesn't he get the judgement?

MovingForward0719 · 22/09/2013 22:52

everlong · 22/09/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/09/2013 22:57

Do none of you do anything for each other's families? What a weird and selfish way to live - mind you my two SILs seem to have decided that is the route to take.

I do things for DH's family, he does things for mine.

OP - is your SIL your DH's brother's wife, or his sister?

HaroldLloyd · 22/09/2013 22:57

Some people just help their families out.

I'd love to see the AIBU saying my MIL said she won't be sending me a card for my birthday as why should she I'm not her real daughter.

Gender has nothing to do with it. My sister is a lazy article who wouldn't bother herself for my mum but she's had boyfriends that have told her to muck in and helped with things.

What's wrong with just being bloody pleasant?

MovingForward0719 · 22/09/2013 22:58

Blokes are to blame in all of this. If they got up off their arses and kept their own relationship with their mother going then Dil's wouldn't resent their Mil's and vice versa. It seems that Mil's know their sons won't bother with stuff so they cling for grim life to the dil who then wants to run for the hills! Don't get involved in the party planning g if you don't want to. Heap praise on the dil who has. Buy the mil a lovely present and be nice at the party. Then you don't need to worry.

Inertia · 22/09/2013 23:02

There is a 2 birds 1 stone answer here.

You generously offer to take sole care of your children on the day, to give your husband time to help out with the arrangements and spend time with his mum. This gets you out of having to do it, makes you look considerate, and sidesteps the expectation that women should be responsible for catering.

perfectstorm · 22/09/2013 23:02

Sorry but my DH wouldn't give a shit about arranging.a party for my mum so why should every woman in the world have to give a shit about arranging parties for their inlaws?

This.

And I really can't fathom why so many posters have got way more agitated about this than the OP ever seemed to. I agree: it's like we've quietly reverted to the 1970s, with men sitting around smoking while the ladies bustle about with trifles. Why the feck should the OP go to a lot of effort for a woman she gets on with okay, but isn't enthused about? She's already said she'll have to manage small kids' behaviour while all the adults get pissed. I note nobody is congratulating her on doing the childcare/designated driving so her MIL's DS can join in the family soak.

Her DH's family should be his responsibility. Yet OP is about to get clucked over for not doing the emotional labour expected of her. That's irritating, no?

Original poster

Pinupgirl · 22/09/2013 23:41

Yes what the poster above said! this is what irritates me-the expectation that I will manage my dh relationship with his mum-why the fuck should I? Although dh will probably end up paying for it all so I suppose that will be his contribution. For the poster who asked-sil is dh brother wives. She has a completel different relationship with mil than I as she helped her with childcare for years.

OP posts:

curlew · 22/09/2013 23:53

Paying for it is a significant contribution, surely?

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