Aibu to not help organise mil party?

[Pinupgirl]

Mil got a big birthday coming up and is making a huge song and dance about it.Has booked private room in a restaurant. I know sil is going to be faffing about organising a surprise cake,banner,balloons etc-she did this for fil too.Am I bu to not do this too? Suspect they probably think so but she has 2 sons who could do it and choose not to.Im a bad dil are'nt I?

[Pinupgirl]

Whats with the humfy face Curlew? I would be ashamed of dh if he didnt offer to pay although I know that bil and sil wont offer and will happily let us pay for them too. Dh is hardly putting himself out for his mum by putting his hand in his pocket but I am getting flak because I dont want to be emotionally blackmailed into ensuring she has a good party?

[MusicalEndorphins]

Regardless of what sex I am or how thoughtful or thoughtless my partner is would not be deciding factors in helping plan something special for my MIL.
If you liked your MIL, would you feel differently? Taking out the whole "What's in it for me?" Would you help if you liked her?

[curlew]

Wow, you must really hate her.

As I said. I look at my ds and want to weep.

[perfectstorm]

Curlew, I don't weep when I look at my ds, because I don't regard him as a short-cut to a DIL who will dance attendance on me in later life. Expecting familial duty from a DIL... uh... why? She'll have married DS, not me. She'll have her own parents. I hope we'll be on good terms, obviously, but that might be assisted if I didn't saddle her with unreasonable expectations.

And if she hated her MIL she'd not be going to the damn party in the first place - far less being the child carer and sober companion. Or expressing the clear opinion that her DS has a moral duty to contribute financially from family money to the cost.

[perfectstorm]

Sorry - DH. Acronym soup!

[WafflyVersatile]

If she asks for help misunderstand and say yes you
are sure you can spare dh for a while so he can help.

If she doesn't ask, say to her 'don't do it all on your own. Ask DH to help. She's his mum too.'

[WafflyVersatile]

Paying for it is a significant contribution. A significant contribution from Dh and pinup girl. Its her money too that he's offering up.

[ravenAK]

I look at my ds, & I think: 'Well, if ds can't be arsed to make me a trifle & put up some bunting for my next landmark birthday, I do hope he at least manages to pull a nicely biddable lass who can take up the slack for him like a good daughter in law.'

Oh, hang on a minute. No, actually I don't think that at all, because that would be weird & sexist.

I would be there with bells on to do the food, say, for a party for MIL; but that's because I love her dearly, it would be fun, & dh would be organising the whole shebang - in his official capacity as dc of the birthday girl.

[curlew]

One of the things I have drummed into my children is "if somebody else behaves badly, that doesn't mean that you should behave equally badly. Your behaviour is your responsibility"

This is such an important lesson, particularly for girls, who are socialised to be responsible for other people's feelings. But it works both ways. "My dh is crap so I'm going to be crap too" is almost as bad as "my dh is crap, so I am going to excuse and collude with his crapness by smoothing over the situation"

[HaroldLloyd]

I don't think it's your responsibility to manage your DH relationship with his mother. Just your own.

You may have previous issues that mean you begrudge doing nice things for her but generally I really don't get this train of thought that you shouldn't have to bother as its not your own mum.

I'd be a bit gutted if my ILs ignored my birthday every year, bought me nothing for Christmas but they do.

It's my MILs birthday today, I wouldn't say we are close for various reasons but I sent her some stuff from us all. My partner works long hours but I'm happy to help.

[Pinupgirl]

I am going to the party,I can going to make sure my dcs behave nicely and as I said dh and I will probably end up paying for it all-surely that is where my responsibility ends?

I really do not get why posters are getting their knickers in the twist about my not wanting to be responsible for the party while conveniently ignoring the fact that her own sons wont do anything either.

I truly believe posters on here believe it is my duty solely because I am a women-unbelievable in this day and age.

[HaroldLloyd]

I can't really see what else you are expected to do really, but surely it's BOTH you and DH who are going to be looking after your DC at the party?

If he isn't pulling his weight it's not his mums fault.

[Pinupgirl]

I disagree that it's not partly her fault that both her sons cant be arsed but that's another thread.

Dh wont be helping look after the dcs because he will be sitting getting pissed with his parents and brother.

Sil and I shall be expected to manage the children,pour drinks,tidy up etc-women's work you see?

[scoobydooagain]

YANBU, it's his mother not yours. Speaking as a mother to only one ds, if he did nothing for a landmark birthday of mine, it would be him (and myself) I would be miffed with not his partner

[Fakebook]

You have already decided you don't want to help, so why start this thread? If you don't want to do anything then don't.

[Tinymrscollings]

Oh good lord, OP. Can't you offer to help because it's a kind thing to do for the woman who brought your DH into the world on a special birthday and because you're family? It's not about being a woman or DH not pulling his weight, it's about doing something nice because it's...nice and not expecting anything in return, although I bet you'd get a warm glow and a bit of childcare out of it.

And when it comes to the party we all know that it's not quite so much fun when you've small children in tow but them's the breaks - they'll be grown up in their time and you'll be able to relax and have a drink and a laugh again. And who knows, if you extend the hand of friendship and muck in a bit then your DH's family might be a bit more minded to take the sprogs off your hands for an hour or two so you can have a glass of wine and a sausage on a stick.

Do the right thing, offer your help.

[curlew]

"I truly believe posters on here believe it is my duty solely because I am a women-unbelievable in this day and age."

No. I think it would be nice if you helped because it is somebody in your family's birthday.

But I wouldn't still be with a man who sat and got pissed leaving me to manage our children. Unless it was his turn, and the following weekend I was going to get pissed while he managed our children..........

[Dobbiesmum]

If think I get where you're coming from in one way OP. I used to be the one expected to make sure the children were quiet and out of the way at family (IL) parties. Not just ours either, all of them got dumped on me, usually so that everyone else got pissed and enjoyed themselves. I did it twice. The second time I caught onto it and brought them all back inside to get food (I missed the buffet at a previous do due to being way too polite...). Cue a major row with BIL and DH about me 'letting them run riot'.
I exploded at the lot of them and went home, vowing to never get involved with DH's family parties again. I do stay out of it in the main now, I get on quite well with them but am very very wary of being dragged into anything like that because certain people will take the piss or bitch.

[Somerset8]

Sorry I am with op. I think the job of organising it should be with her sons not the daughter in laws. If the dil want to help fine but if they don't that's fine too.

[thegreylady]

I would offer because I would want to. It would be fun. If you don' help and go all sulky narky because the men haven't either then don't complain if mil appears to favour your sil. In any relationship you get out what you put in.

[Pinupgirl]

-mil babysits once a year if we are lucky so not bloody likely.

[HaroldLloyd]

I would be majorly pissed off if I was expected to mind the children at parties whilst DH got pissed to be honest but that's a separate issue.

For any event..