Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[Fizzyknickers]

I don't have GD, but I do have a family that isn't what I planned.

I always imagined myself with a little tribe, mostly boys) I am one of 7 children, 5 of which are boys)

I was pregnant at 17. And had a son. I was over the moon, here was number one :) but things didn't go quite to plan and heat 17m he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. He would never walk/talk/be toilet trained etc. I was devastated.

All the things I ahead planned for, muddy puddles and walks in the forest. The stuff of my own tomboyish childhood, gone.

Fast forward a few years and DS is the opposite of the medical professionals prognosis. He walked with a frame, talked nonstop and was at mainstream school. He was, and still is, very shy, quiet and not at all boyish and boisterous. He's super snuggle and I adore him

I had my DD when DS was 3y9m. I was terrified. I desperately wanted an other boy. But I got a girl. And it was hard, I couldn't imagine a way in which I would be able to manage a girl, I am not girly and I didn't think I could do it.

But now here we are. DS is 6.5 and DD 2.5. She was the making of him. He was 5 before he jumped in an puddle.because SHE wanted to.

She is so outspoken, loud, bossy, in fact right now she is screaming at him but she is the one who likes mud and mess and puddles and fighting.

I adore both my children. It ps been a long road but sometimes they aren't what t you expect and I have been sad a few times, first at DS not being able to be what I wanted, and then at DD being a girl. But now I wouldn't swap them for the World.

[LisasCat]

My MIL had 3 boys, my DP is the middle one. All 3 were very different, but I suspect she would have liked a DD.
Now she's a Granny. She and I aren't close but we're friendly. She's been an excellent MIL, just the right balance between letting us find our own way as parents and giving us all the help and advice we want.
And she has 2 GDDs. She adores them, and they love going there. She admits that some of the things she gets to do with them are the girly things she missed out on having 3 boys, and she really enjoys having that chance now.
But when they grow into vile teenage girls, they won't be her problem, they'll be mine! She's the winner in this situation.

[Somanychanges]

OP I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and wish I c

[havingamadmoment]

My MIL had 4 boys and one girl, she is constantly surrounded by family, her sons adore her!

I have 4 girls and one boy from what you say in your post they are also full on, messy and messing with their privates (girls do that as well!)

I was a really girly girl, but so far they are not - they go to cubs and the 9 year old want to be bear Grylls. I do buy tights and hair bobbles but its just another chore rather than a fun day out (shopping with the girls has not yet been fun - maybe when they are older.....)

The point is I dont think the gender of your children is the problem I think there are deeper issues.

[Somanychanges]

Sorry posted before even getting started.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I can't say I understand exactly with how you are feeling as I have not been in your position. But I certainly empathise and some of the things you say touch a nerve. Firstly I don't think you are awful or a bad mum for having those feelings. It's obvious from your posts you love your boys.

What I am familiar with is the feeling that your family is not how you imagined it would be and your disappointment about this or maybe your worry that you are not the right mother for these boys.

I find it very hard myself to parent a boy, I find them completely alien I just cannot for the life of me understand the fascination with violence and poo and everything in the fast lane. I always imagined myself with all girls and being able to bestow the love onto them that was never given to me as a child. I think this is where your deeper issues lie.

I did have a dd and I hoped we would have this special relationship and there would be so much love and we would have the relationship I never had with my mum. But to be honest that was my issue to deal with and not my daughters reason for being here. She hates being cuddled and is very distant at times, I can imagine her as a difficult teen wanting to fly the nest ASAP.

I think what I am trying to say is you put so much emphasis and hope on the DC3 being a girl and that being the answer to all your problems when I doubt it would have been as your negative feelings lay deeper than just gender disappointment.

Obviously I can still understand the yearn for a girl I really can. But your feeling currently and your future fear of being unloved is not the responsibility of your children.

I can completely understand though how you can feel so lost with your boys and there interests etc. I am so sorry you are no longer with your DP and this most definitely would have impacted apon these feelings. I know for instance when my son behaves in a way which is just alien to me I have to leave it to my DH to deal with as I just cannot connect the way he can. So I cannot imagine having to do it myself. But certainly that doesn't mean you can't and I am sure one day you will meet a man who can give you the love you deserve.

But I think that the way forward for you feeling like a working part of your beautiful family instead of feeling like being on the outside looking in. Is to resolve the issues from your past and the break up of your relationship. A partner nor children can fill in that hole of unhappiness that you live with and that longing of wanting to feel loved unconditionally. I lived with that feeling most of my life, I thought being married with children would heal me. But it didn't and so it shouldn't because it is not anyone else's responsibility to do that. It was my parents but they failed me and that has left a huge hole. But once I realised that and dealt with it I was able to move past that neediness. I was able to slowly heal the wound myself.

I think you need to stop putting the emphasis of all your hurt on not having a girl and accept you need to resolve the feelings from your past. You never know what your future holds you could go on to be married with 3 more children and all be girls. But that's beside the point, if you are still not happy within yourself it wouldn't matter. Please seek help in RL and don't ever be ashamed of having these feelings.

No one should judge you and say you should just count yourself lucky. Yes we are grateful for our children we know how precious life is but we are not robots. We all have different desires and feelings and many of us have a complicated past which gets in the way of our happy ever after. And the reality is life is no fairytale it's more like a constant rollercoaster. But it only last for so long and one day we must get off. Let us enjoy our own unique ride through life no matter how bumpy it is and please do all you can to fix your troubles so you and your boys can ride it together.

[makemineamalibuandpineapple]

Why is gender disappointment on MN nearly always mum's of sons wanting daughters? It is rarely the other way round.

So many women can't even have a baby and would be delighted with a baby of either sex.

[MadBusLady]

I am so grateful to those of you who haven't brightly said it's ok as one of my boys might like wearing nail polish or going shopping when this issue is deeper and more raw than this.

OP, I'm truly sorry you're so miserable about this but there's no need to slap down posters who are trying to help. Inevitably when you post on a deep-seated emotional matter like this you will find some answers more helpful and in tune with your thinking than others, so just take what you need and ignore the rest, there's no need to be petulant about it.

I'll leave you to it, I really wish you all the best.

[Fulltimedadof4]

Just a couple of brief comments; I hope that disappointment with gender does not affect your relationships with them (is the distance you perceive due to a lack of your acceptance or affection to them? Not a judgement, just a question, would it be possible to change this through how you relate to them).
Secondly I can understand the issue, however there is a degree of gender stereotyping. It's the same as when people say "girls are like this" or "boys are naughtier" or "boys are easier". They are boys and girls, they are people, and they are all different (3 of mine are boys and really different in temperament to each other). It's all down to them as individuals. Don't imagine that a girl would be different, they really might not (and my girl is all very keen on cars already!).

[hackmum]

I think tattie's and fizzy's posts above are very good. I can completely understand the feeling, and realise that you can't really help how you feel. You wanted a girl and you got three boys.

But what you really got, as tattie says, is three individuals. I think a lot of mums want girls because they want a female to bond with. But you can't predict how children will turn out. I read one of those moany articles by Lucy Cavendish in the Mail about how she had a much-wanted girl after three boys, and the girl is a real tomboy. Boys can be loving and affectionate and I know lots of mums who have wonderful, close relationships with their sons. Try and enjoy what you've got - it's the only thing you can do, in fact.

[sweetestcup]

I do feel sorry when I see a mum with three or more boys. I feel very smug to have had a boy first and then a girl. My perfect family. How very clever am I

Is this meant to be funny?

[mumof3sons]

Thank you.

MadBusLady I am not slapping anyone down. I have thanked people, genuinely. But despite how many times I've explained myself, some keep insisting on it being a makeup/shopping/princess 'thing' and to an extent I feel that does demean both myself and my own feelings.

Some have hit the nail on the head however -somanychanges and a couple of others and I am grateful for that. It is that unconditional love and companionship - and I completely accept that this is not guaranteed with a girl and nor is this the case that boys will not provide this - all the same when your own experiences differ so vastly from those recounted by other posters, it is difficult to change your mindset.

Imagine someone looked at you and said 'well the parts of London I've been to are really quiet and rural' or 'well every athlete I've met has been obese.' It would be difficult to change your mindset of what London was like or an athlete - you wouldn't just start imagining London to be green and country like or fat athletes and that is how I feel.

My boys are individuals certainly and they have lovely qualities. I have been a constant in their lives, playing, celebrating achievements, taking to the park and zoo and cinema and pool. They love me and I them. They in themselves are not disappointments. But I yearn for a girl too and I will never have her and this does sadden me.

Thanks again.

[tattiehowker]

mumof3 would you consider some counselling or other support, perhaps medication? You do sound awfully down and you thinking seems very fixed. I do mean this with genuine concern, not a criticism.

I wouldn't expect any child to offer unconditional love. That is what parents give their children, not what they get. That's healthy.

[ThisWayForCrazy]

Just to add. GD is deep rooted, often unexpected and not a choice! It's normally something which even disgusts the person who has, to a certain extent. There is no point telling them that others would give anything to have a baby of either sex. That has absolutely nothing to do with it! We are not ungrateful people. We are not anti the opposite sex to what we "wanted". Want is the wrong word, but I can't think if a way to explain it.

GD is honestly one of the most horrific things I have suffered. It makes you full of guilt, anger, grieving, upset, confusion along with many other feelings. And then people come along and say daft things, which don't help.

OP, I really do suggest you get some therapy. It's really important to be able to move past this

[themightyfandango]

I have three boys all close in age from 12 downwards (I do have a grown up DD too) so I do understand a little where you are coming from. I did hope that my youngest DS was a girl and will admit to being a little disappointed for a couple of days post scan. I think it was mostly because I liked the idea of a balanced family (whatever the hell that is!). I soon got over it and ironically he is a very feminine little boy who loves dressing up and all thing Disney Princess. Actually my DD was a total tomboy growing up and not a typical girly girl at all, we have a good relationship but are not that much alike and certainly don't spend much time together. I can imagine being closer to a couple of my sons when they are older but I actually think it's a personality thing rather than gender.
I saw an article a while ago (apologies but I think it was Daily Fail) where a mum and her three boys recreated a photo from their childhood once her sons were in their twenties. It was really lovely seeing them as little then years later towering above her. Perhaps you need some
good role models of older mums with boys, I know a woman with four sons in their forties and once saw them all at a family party fussing over her, two of them holding her arms down some steps, the others getting a seat ready for her. It was really heart warming and I hope how my future will be.

[mewmeow]

Just to say your not alone in this feeling. Weirdly it was the other way around for me, but I can't really comment on your situation as I only have (and probably only ever will have) one child- a girl- when during early pregnancy I was desperate for boy.
I'm now completely in love with my dd and wouldn't swap her for any boy, that happened during the later part of pregnancy when I accepted the situation as it was and looked all the positives rather than negatives of having a girl.
It can work the same for you- girls and their mums are more likely to scream at each other during teenage years, you may be more worried about her safety as she grows up threats of sexual and physical violence are more apparent for girls, girls are more likely to scream, and have an incredibly annoying high pitch whine that I've never heard a boy compare to! There's plenty others, this is partly light hearted (I don't want to get flamed for being to discriminatory), but there are positives and negatives to both genders! The key is concentrating on the things to be thankful for with your own beautiful and unique boys. Hope you get some support and your relationship with your boys improves over time

[Footface]

There's a thread in aibu at the moment about spending Christmas with I'm laws. For me it really hits the nail on the head, about how I worry about being not included later on dc's lives

[JerseySpud]

I have 2 girls.

At first with dd2 i was disappointed to start with as i wanted a DS.

But now i feel happy with both my DD's

Girls, i have to say, are not all the delight of dressing them up, ballet and girly things.

Whilst DD1 does do ballet, and beavers and swimming, she is also a complete and utter drama queens, a walking tantrum and to be honest, sometimes a sly little madam. Shes 6 and i'm almost dreading the next 12 years when the hormones kick in.

dd2 is 2 and whilst she is a gorgeous little monkey she is a michievious handful, shes into everything, has a love of trains and cars as well as peppa pig.

I think there are more women who have just girls who would love to have had a boy but just don't admit it through fear of people saying 'oh but you have girls!'

And no matter whether you have boys or girls, you will always be a MIL regardless and you can either be the MIL from hell or a heaven sent one. My MIL is a heaven sent one, so not all in laws are bad.

[whois]

There's a thread in aibu at the moment about spending Christmas with I'm laws. For me it really hits the nail on the head, about how I worry about being not included later on dc's lives

The issue there is there is the in-laws aren't welcoming.

[elliejjtiny]

I have 4 boys, aged 7, 5, 2 and 3 months. This boisterous grubby phase is just that, a phase and I can see my 7 year old starting to calm down and be a bit more civilised .

Being "the MIL" isn't all bad either. It was my MIL who was the first visitor when the DC's were born, who sees us most often and who we have been on holiday with and I'm hoping to have a good relationship with any DIL's I have too.

[SatinSandals]

I have just looked on gransnet and the first two problems that I saw were women who had problems with their own daughters blocking them from their grandchildren, followed by one who had fallen out with her son-in-law and, not surprisingly, her daughter had sided with her husband.
Having a girl doesn't guarantee a wonderful relationship.

[SatinSandals]

Even if you do have a wonderful relationship your daughter may marry a man that you don't get on with and be will make sure that you don't play a big part in the family. It is all a lottery.

[SatinSandals]

he not be.