Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[emblosion]

That woman would have got a piece of my mind, how rude! I can't really relate as I have two boys and wouldn't be bothered about having a girl, but in relation to the MIL thing, my gran has 3 DILs that she is very close too and my MIL was a lovely lady - its not always the stereotype.

My sister has a girl and she's lovely, but my boys are fab and lovely too. You sound like you could do with some support in rl OP, its not easy on your own.

[TheApprentice]

Hello, not read all posts so apologise if repeating. I do feel for you as you are obviously really struggling. Some things that struck me:-

You are right and brave to acknowledge your sadness about not having a girl. If you don't acknowledge it then it will eat away at you. by being open with yourself you are giving yourself the chance to start to work through your grief.

You are a single mum to 3 and that must be really hard work! You must feel drained! And I think it makes the boy thing harder for you - I have 2 boys and am not massively into some of their boy stuff but luckily my husband does all that with them - I don't mind trucks, cars etc but he can take them camping, biking, looking at bridges (yes, really!) etc and I get a break. You don't have that luxury at the moment. Are there any significant male adults in their lives - uncle, grandad etc who could help out here especially as they get older? My 6 year old has started Beavers and its really good for doing all that boys stuff and for providing great male role models (some leaders are female , also great!) - I'd really recommend it.

I wonder if you have brothers and if that makes a difference to outlook..I am the only sister with 3 brothers and so consequently am very used to boys , so all the dirt, willies, rude jokes etc etc is very normal to me and probably makes it easier to deal with! I remember as a student that some of my friends from girls only families used to be a bit stunned at some of my childhood stories - they were just not used to boys!

Once your 2 year old is out of buggies, nappies etc I think it will get easier for you - the older they become the more free time you will get and I think you really need this. Have you got babysitters? You could really do with a spa day or two! I am lucky that I am occasionally able to do this kind of thing and it feels really good to remember the girly side of me. I love my boys to bits, they are affectionate and love me to bits too, but sometimes I need to get away from the mess!

I wish you all the best. Your relationships with your boys will grow, but its ok to feel sad about not having a girl.

[MummytoMog]

I desperately wanted my first child to be a girl, and she was. If she hadn't been, I would have been distraught. I think a lot of people feel this way and I don't really think there's anything wrong with it. I had a strong girl preference both times in fact, and made sure to find out both times so that my first thought on the birth of any son wouldn't be disappointment that they weren't a girl. As it happens, DC2 was a boy. Which is fine, but I was still disappointed when I found out. I still sort of wish he had been a girl even though he is the loveliest, cuddliest, nicest little boy in the whole world. I don't think I need therapy, I just prefer girl children and all the gubbins that goes along with them. That said, my DD is far harder work than my DS and I can't see that changing any time soon.

[insummeritrains]

You know, scans can be wrong - and I really hope that woman's is! I hope she has the most boyish-boy imaginable.

What a cow!

[mintgreenchilli]

Far better to have a girl grandchild!! All the best bits without the hassle :)

[DeWe]

It's only in mn that people have no preference over things like that.

I have 2 girls followed by a boy. I would have been happy with 3 girls, however there would have always been a little part of me that wondered, and wished that I could have had both.
Nothing about loving my girls less, nothing about not wanting girls, I would not exchange them at all... but just a little bit of me would have felt the same as you.

In a similar way, I wish dd2 had been born with two hands. I guess some people will be surprised that I'm not saying it stronger.
But her having one hand has given her a different life.
We know people we'd have never known. She's met people and made friends, been on TV, been treated as a celebrity... all through her missing hand.
She has oportunities that she wouldn't have, and she wouldn't be the person she is today if she had two hands.
There are times I long deperately for her to have two hands. In particular when you see people staring, turning round to have a second check, nudging each other...
But then she gets a phone call to say "would she like to do this event for amputees". And you see her, being able to do something she would never have had the opportunity otherwise, her eyes glowing and, at that moment, you realise it's part of her. A part you can't get away from because it's always there, and although doors are closed to her-she'll never compete against able-bodied in some things, windows are also opened.

[TootsFroots]

If think a lot of posters are overthinking. . Of course there are a million examples of horrid daughters, delightful sons and wonderful daughter-in-laws. The OP knows that. She is NOT dissapointed with her sons she simply wishes she had a daughter too. I think that is an ok thing to feel sorry about. However, It doesn't mean the OP has huge issues about it. I don't think there is nesseccerily anything 'deep and meaningful' about her wishing she had a daughter.
I think matter-of-fact posts such as InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream are the most useful.

[tumbletumble]

Wise words ThreeTomatoes

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Haven't read all the pages, but I just want to say you seem very honest. But don't worry- I have two boys, teenagers, who were a pain when they were little but now they are lovely, gorgeous, friendly things. It gets better, honest. You're lucky to have 3 fab boys.

[milkwasabadchoice]

Ok I only read four pages not all none but my thoughts:

You have been "abandoned" first by your dad and then literally by your exH. Instead of experiencing stable loving protective relationships with men you have experienced abandonment. That is what you now expect to experience from your sons.

You were imagining a family where you could recreate the loving relationship you had with your own mum, only with you as the mum. And now that dream has been broken.

So now you are left alone to protect and nurture three men who, you say, don't show affection to you and who you believe will abandon you one day.

Is any of this right? If so, no wonder you feel you are in the "wrong" family. Your family is so far from what you had hoped for. You cannot help feeling disappointed, guilty and lost. Sympathy, op.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

I am a dd born after two ds' , my relationship with my mother has broken doen virtually completely :( .
I had 3ds and then a dd, no idea what the future will bring just want to be close to them all
Gender is no guarantee of relationship as my mothers priority has always been her ds1.

[cory]

I think ThreeTomatoes is spot on: what you are missing is something that can never be supplied by a parent-child relationship where you are the parent.

If you had had a daughter, that need would have been likely to have created an intolerable strain on her and the outcome could have been very messy.

I know several daughters who have had to move away from their families and create a deliberate distance because the expectations of the perfect relationship were just too much for them. And yet they were naturally loving and kindly people: they just couldn't cope with having to supply everything that was lacking in another person's life.

I think therapy would be a good idea. You need to find that unconditional acceptance within yourself.

[ilovecolinfirth]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. How much support are you getting at home? I know you said that your ex isn't around much but do you get any other help? Is there a close male (uncle or grandfather perhaps) who can take them off your hands once a week to do 'boy things' with your sons. This will take the pressure off you a little bit and let you have a break.

Please try to find some support. As a mummy of boys I can honestly say that I love every minute of it but I also have the support of my partner and that makes a massive difference.

[SatinSandals]

That rhyme about a daughter being a daughter all her life and the son until he gets a wife has a lot to answer for, it is garbage!
I have many friends who have a much closer relationship with their father than their mother and they have always been a real 'daddy's girl'.

[SatinSandals]

That rhyme about a daughter being a daughter all her life and the son until he gets a wife has a lot to answer for, it is garbage!
I have many friends who have a much closer relationship with their father than their mother and they have always been a real 'daddy's girl'.

[MrsMook]

In my family, the mother-son relationships have tended to be the strongest. Many of the mother-daughter ones are quite strained.

When I was TTC and unknowingly pg with my first DC, I had quite a deep think and realised that I felt "safer" with the thought of a boy. I always thought I'd like a girl, but the reasons for that are very superficial (pretty clothes, can join my brownies, play with the heirloom dolls pram. I now have two boys, and love them as the little people that they are. When I was pg with DS2 people were asking about did I want a girl, and my answer was honestly that I was a winner either way as if baby was a girl, I'd have variety, and if baby was a boy, he'd be cheap!

I'd love a DC3, purely that I don't think I'm done with babies yet. It wouldn't be a quest for a DD, I genuinely don't mind the outcome.

It seems a long time since there's been a girl in the family. The last one is a teenager, and she hit a very long "tomboy" phase between 6-10 at the height of the time to enjoy girliness. The only time she wore a dress in that time was very grudlingly a BM dress at my wedding (thrilled to be a BM, wanted to wear a tuxedo). She dressed like a grungy little boy, had scruffy unkempt hair, liked doing "boy" things like football.

A child's gender isn't always strongly attached to their sex, so a DD might not meet the cliche feminine aspirations. DS1 is looking like a cliche boy at the moment, if it has wheels and is remotely mechanical, that's his interest, I just have to work at meeting it and enouraging what he's interested in. He has neutral toys and things like a buggy and doll as I think they are life skill toys, but they are not fascinating to him. Our relationship will be defined about how we connect as people, not about the willy that he keeps fidgeting with.

[Sunrunner]

Thank you stopgap for your post. It made me feel after someone posting that stupid rhyme about daughters being a daughter all her life... blah blah blah on fb

[fabergeegg]

Most daughters don't offer that much companionship to their mums. It may look like that but it isn't really the case. I understand that girls are more rewarding when they're small sometimes and there's more 'fun' at times. But they are awful when they're older and the rejection you would be likely to encounter at that stage would take your breath away. Whereas guys at that age often develop an affection and honour for you that will be a measure of how they'll treat their wives one day. Going on to that, when they're married with families, you're not right to assume you won't get a look in. It may be like that at times and I fully sympathise about possibly not getting the hands on access when they're tiny. But even that is uncertain since so many women don't get on very well with their mums and are relieved and thankful to have someone in a mother role without the hassle. It does happen! But I think you'd have to be very giving, stable and uncompetitive. And in this day and age, if you're willing to pull your weight with childcare when it's asked of you, you probably won't miss out there either.

But the whole unconditional friendship? No, no, no and no! That's like winning the lottery! Don't look at your boys and compare them with that!

At the end of the day, so much is down to personality. My mum and I don't go shopping together or hang out much together - and we get on fairly well! My older brother is my mum's favourite go-to child and they adore each other. They have the same zany sense of humour and just love each other so much. His love for his wife doesn't conflict with this in any way. And my other brother, while a different personality, is similarly adored.

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

Op I certainly understand to a degree, had prenatal depression partly due to ds not being a dd!

It does seem to go much deeper though; I think your first step is to make some plans number 1 being to install a Peggy Mitchell ethos in tge boys that Ma is everything

[marzipanned]

OP, sorry, I haven't read the thread, but just wanted to comfort you on the MIL front.

My DH is one of three boys. They all have a fantastic relationship with their Mum, as do I and as have the various girls his brothers have dated since DH and I have been together.

She might be 'the MIL' but she is a huge part of our life and will be a huge part of our children's.

[SatinSandals]

he not be.

[SatinSandals]

Even if you do have a wonderful relationship your daughter may marry a man that you don't get on with and be will make sure that you don't play a big part in the family. It is all a lottery.