Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[halfwayupthehill]

I understand op. I was disappointed when dc2 was a boy. It's not that i don't love him and he is wonderful in many ways but i would rather he was a girl. Not because i like girly stuff... I find princess stuff as tedious as trucks etc but because i think relating to a samegender child is just different. I feel more connected to dd than ds. People said boys were more affectionate, that has been true for me. They also said i wd love the boyness of my son. That has not been the case. Every family has a different dynamic..and i think gemnder plays into that.

[Shosha1]

I have only one surviving child, a DS, he is now 35, his Father had nothing to do with his upbringing.

I would have loved a daughter, for all the reasons you want one.

My DD (and DS20 died shortly after birth, and I couldnt have any more children.

I remarried at 38, when DS was 18, and my DH became the first real role model for my DS, although I have brothers and a Father who were around a lot.

It was really just me and DS,

DS grew up playing rugby, became an Electrician, and runs marathons.

Things I knew nothing about, I had to learn.

Like you I worried about being a MIL and 'losing my son.

DS married 8 years ago, to a wonderful South African girl, in SA, I wasnt at the wedding as they married there on holiday.

The day they left for SA I had given both DS and DDIL letters, his saying how much I loved him and was so proud to be his Mum, how proud that he had taken responsibility for his own life in such a brilliant way.

DDIL said I was handing over my most precious possession into her safe keeping, and I hoped we would be friends.

They now live an hour away.

I see DS about once a month and speak to him about once a month.

My DDIL on the other hand, I speak to at least 4 times a week, we go shopping A LOT together, we have very similar tastes and interests.

She could be my daughter, and is my daughter.

So having a son was worth it, not just for giving me a beloved DIL, but just for being him.

[exoticfruits]

The rude woman could be in for a shock- the one in the next bed to me had been told she was having a girl and got all pink stuff and it was a boy!
I can't imagine why women think a DD will be best friend for life- it is pure luck and plenty don't get on with their mother. It is nice when it happens but is just as likely with a boy- pure luck.

[exoticfruits]

My mother sees my brother's wife far more than me - they do lots of things together, with and without my brother. I am far away.

[mumofweeboys]

My mil always wanted a daughter and she had one. She turned out to be the most selfish, self centred and rude person I know. She is nasty to her parents and has virtually nothing to do with them from a young age unless it involved money. Where my oh adores his mum and they have a great relationship.

You can yearn for a girl but it doesn't mean you would have a lovely rosey relationship. Perhaps you need some counselling to come to terms with your boys as you want to be the best mum you can be.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

I feel for you.
I have one son and I'm now single and 33 and although another dc isn't impossible it feels unlikely. And I have to live my life accepting what I have not hoping for something g else. I always assumed I'd have 2-3 and at least one girl! It has been an effort to realise that I probably won't ever have a daughter. I still imagine her in my mind. But you have the children you have and I bet you couldn't pick one to swap for a girl could you!
I suspect that this is to do with your feelings around your own family upbringing and your marriage breaking up. You are lonely or missing something in your life and projecting It onto this mythical girl child who would meet all your needs. That's just not right. That's why counselling would be so helpful.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

My mil has two sons. I've no idea if she felt how you do-she may have despite protesting that her ds are the absolute bees knees. What I do know is that she has two dil who adore her, especially me, and who spend far more time with her than their own mothers. She is wonderful. She has nurtured her relationship with her boys, kept them close and ended up with me and dsil too. She also has two granddaughters.
My mum has two daughters who, partly through mental health issues that aren't her fault but make her impossible to spend much time with or have a proper mother daughter relationship with, she sees only infrequently.
Your gender disappointment is real. Get help to come to terms with it but don't rule out a good, lasting relationship with your ds and in good time, with their dps.

[girliefriend]

I have a dd and she hates all the things you describe being girly, she has just joined the school football club and beavers!!

I think what your mourning is a fantasy and its not real, children are just children and you are blessed with 3 of them

[notanyanymore]

DP is one of four boys, they're all crazy about their mum in such a sweet and lovely way it makes we wish for a son

[ThisWayForCrazy]

You might want to look in to the reasons as to why you wanted a girl. I actually ended up in therapy during my third pregnancy after I found out he was a boy. Two years on I have just finished another set if therapy, during which I discovered my wish for a girl was more to do with being able to help her learn things, dress her up pretty, help her with her first boyfriends, prom dress, through her relationships, babies etc. These were all things that I didn't get when I was growing up. I subconsciously was trying to fix what had been lacking in my life. The realisation was a total eureka moment and from that very moment I've been at peace.

[BooCanary]

Sorry for the pathetic attempt at psychoanalysing you, but i would wager that the real underlying issues are you mourning for the family/marriage you've lost ( esp the lack of male role model for your sons), and the mother/daughter relationship you wished you'd had time to have with your own mum.

We could tell you every story going about how great boys are, about amazing DILs, and moody pita girls, but I think you need to look at the deeper issues in counselling.

[blondieminx]

mumof3sons I think the pg lady in the car park was unspeakably rude and thoughtless.

It sounds like the real issue here is the lack of support you have in parenting your sons if DP isn't around much anymore. I do hope he's paying the correct maintenance so that you can pay for some time all to yourself every now and then? I imagine 3 kids (of whatever gender or combination) is pretty full on, on your own? It's really ok to need some time for you occasionally, to recharge a bit!

I am sorry that you ran into such a nasty moo, and that she made you feel so sad.

[ShowOfHands]

Oh OP, you poor love. I don't think it's actually about not having a girl. As so many people can and have told you, a girl wouldn't necessarily be all the things you imagine, lots of grown up sons are very, very close to their Mums and lots of DILs adore their MILs. I fit into or have experience of all of these categories. It doesn't matter though. This isn't about logic and rationality, this is about the way you feel. You can't think your way out of this in the way you want to.

You're having a tough time. You're a single Mum, your DH has left, you're probably grieving still for that female in your life who disappeared when you lost your Mum and you're terrified about your future. I think you're projecting all of this onto this imaginary little girl and it's become so magnified that you're drowning under it all. I think some rl help would be of great benefit. You sound so very unhappy and overwhelmed by everything. I think it could all be wonderful. I can see the glimpses of it in the way you describe your polite, funny boys. I can see you wanting it all to be a positive experience. And it can be. Just ask for some help. Your GP or HV will be able to help.

You've been really brave to talk about all of this.

[Longtalljosie]

it seems to me you want a special connection. You're lonely - your partner has gone, and you're seeking to replicate the relationship you had with your mother. I think you need to get back into the dating game, to be honest - find someone else who will hug you and listen to you!

[ShowOfHands]

And I hope the woman in the carpark trod in dog poo.

[LucilleBluth]

I feel for you OP but I just have to say that I don't get it at all. I don't get how people feel more connected to their DDs than their DS's.......I have two DS's then I had DD, there is no difference to me at all, she is just like her brothers, she will be three soon and she is just like DS1 at that age.

Maybe you need to find some common ground, DS1 and I love music, he plays guitar and we listen and talk about our musical tastes, DS2 is going to be a stand up comedian, he is sarcastic and has us in stitches, we joke constantly, and as for showing affection they will get that from you, if you hug them and snuggle them they will be used to it, my sons are very cuddly because they have always been cuddled.

I wish you could have this imaginary daughter for a day and see that you aren't missing anything, each child is wonderful regardless of gender.

[SmallTorch]

Plenty of sad stories here of families letting children feel like a disappointment, and also wonderful ones of extended families making people feel like a blessing. I'm sure your boys don't feel like they disappoint you by the way OP.

I think also, someone said up thread, that it'd help to spend time alone with each of your children if possible. And find someone to talk about your life growing up. x

[ThisWayForCrazy]

For those who "don't get it" the person with GD doesn't usually either. It's not a choice or wish, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. It's like you are in mourning. But it usually hits you like a punch in the face. It is a mental health issue.

[Shosha1]

Mrs DeVere

I am a Grandmother, DS had a child at 16, had already broken up with the 15 year old mother

DGD lived a lot of her young life with us.

So there is always hope.

[Forester]

My MIL had three boys and I know that she would have liked a daughter. But obviously she wouldn't be without any of them. She had to wait a long time but now has two GD - including my DD - and is getting to do some of the things she wanted to do 40 years ago - making dolls clothes, watching them at ballet etc. But there have been disappointments like when all her sons forgot Mothers Day.

Also I have a very good relationship with her so don't think that MIL's are always viewed with suspicion.

But I also suspect there's wider issues here (which go beyond a low level but perfectly liveable with disappointment) and I think that you should look for professional help.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Oh MrsDV that made me cry.

I wish people were able to talk about gender disappointment without all the nasty judgement - yes marriedinwhite - I do mean you.

We know its not rational but without coming over all Oprah ' let people have their feelings'.

I had 2 ds and then a surprise 3rd pregnancy. I can not tell you the joy I felt when the sonographer told me it was a girl. I love my sons but I did want a daughter too. I am very close to my mother and sister and I guess wanted to replicate that.

And all the mil threads on here and talk of 'your his family now/his loyalty is to you' well they certainly don't help when you're the mother of sons.