Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[RandomMess]

That woman was down right rude and nasty!!!!

Please be kind to yourself and I would really recommend counselling/therapy to come to terms with how you are feeling. Tbh non of dds seem to share my interests, they are more into boyish things - rugby, football, climbing etc.

[Spinkle]

Girls might sit still and colour like little treasures, and I can imagine you hankering after this with 3 boys in the house , but believe me that girls are complicated and start tutting and rolling their eyes at you age 8.

My ds has systematically taken my house apart piece by piece but I'd still have that over a dd.

Maybe they sense your disappointment?

[mumof3sons]

I know that a little girl might not like ballet or shopping or traditionally 'girly' things, but that in itself doesn't really bother me, honestly. It's so hard to explain. I don't fully understand it myself, I don't expect anyone else to - most people have been really nice, but it isn't an "oh no I can't paint her nails." It's so much more ...

I could be lucky and have a lovely DIL, I hope so. But in my experience DILs lack patience with the MIL and are closer to their own mothers and dread it when "the MIL" visits.

Can I just say as well, my children are not mistreated, I have never once voiced my disappointment to them (and nor would I) and I show an interest in and enthusiasm for their hobbies. I do love them. But the gender of at least two of them was a disappointment, I am not disappointed with them as people or children.

[BooCanary]

Bymyside so sorry about your DH

[KoalaFace]

I know a lady with....5 sons! Who broke her heart crying when her youngest turned out to be a boy. She adores them all of course but really struggled in getting over the disappointment.

They positively worship her though. Now they are all grown up they treat her like a goddess (their father isn't on the scene). She is the matriarch and so far has 3 granddaughters who are always at her house being spoilt and dressing up in her jewellery and clothes.

I'm sorry the disappointment is still so raw for you. But I hope you can still see how lucky you are to have 3 lovely boys and a future that could be filled with lots of girls!

[Finola1step]

I can empathise. Before having children, I really liked the idea of 3 or 4 boys (yep, boys!). I come from a family of three girls. I just felt more suited to mothering boys. First baby a boy. Second baby a girl. It took some adjusting. Now I wouldn't change a thing.

If I saw you out with your boisterous boys, I would have a tinge of envy. My husband is one of two boys. They are both much closer to each other and to their mother than I am to my sisters and mum. We will not be having anymore so neither of my children will experience having a sibling of the same gender. But we are a happy family as a little four.

There's no harm in wondering what might have been. As long as it's a fleeting thought.

[Crowler]

Two boys here. I was a bit sad when I found out my second wasn't a girl. I feel a bit down whenever I see little girls in beautiful dresses.

It really has become less of an issue as mine have gotten older - they'll get older and do things to make you incredibly proud and it kind of doesn't matter anymore. But I had quite a lot of sadness in the early days.

[Justforlaughs]

I'm lucky, in that I have a mix of boys and girls, so I don't want to say thing slike "I totally understand how you feel", what I will say is that I was desperate for a girl the first and second time round and was "disappointed" to an extent when they were both boys. I was so happy when my 3rd proved to be the longed for girl. What I would say, is that all my boys (3 of them) are just as affectionate as the girls, and that you couldn't get less "girllie" girls than I have, if you tried. Not interested in make-up, wouldn't wear a dress/ skirt if you paid them and 14 yo has such big feet she only wears mens trainers! I am so sorry that you feel the way you do, but rest assured that any girls you may have had would never have fitted into the perfect image you have. Sorry I can't be any help. I think it might be worth seeking some form of help.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

OP your three boys are alive and well and growing. I had two boys for just under three hours. I now have a DS and a DD. I would have given anything for DS2 to have survived and FWIW I miscarried boys at 17 weeks and 12 weeks. I cannot tell you how desperately I wanted DD to be a boy to replace all that I had lost. I am trying really hard not to be very very cross at your post. I had five pregnancies which got beyond the first trimester. I am very grateful to have produced two live and healthy children. DH and I wanted at least three if not four. It is certainly not something I whine about; I am grateful for the two fabulous healthy, wonderful children I got in the end and after a great deal of heartbreak.

I agree with others AIBU is not the right place because frankly you are being very unreasonable and I hope you never project your disappointment onto your boys.

[tumbletumble]

My friend has two DSs followed by a DD - and her DD is the only one of the three who likes football!

I realise that doesn't really help you though. I hope you manage to find fulfillment in your family as it is

[Hopasholic]

When I read some of the threads about how some girls treat their 'friends' it makes me glad to have 2 boys. They're straight forward, forgive easily and hold no grudge. They cuddle me daily, (13 & 11) and I do enjoy them. I did want a girl when I was pregnant with DC2 but I think now, I'm to be a parent to boys.

Can't say I'm any of those things I've listed above, you can learn a lot from these boys you know!

I do wish I could wave a wand and have them 'back in the room' aged 2 & 3 just for a few hours, I just miss them being small

You should try and get some help if you can otherwise DC3 may pick up on your feelings, you can't change what you have, you're brave for admitting those kind of feelings though, does your partner know how you feel?

[Bythebeach]

I have three boys 8, 5 and 11 months. Each pregnancy I was convinced was a girl til the scan! No disappointment with first two....a little initially with my third knowing I'd never have a girl but more that it'd be harder for my youngest being seen by the outside world as 'another' boy and therefore not as exciting as if I had had a girl!
I do understand what you mean about the noise and the mess but much, much more importantly I love the liveliness and fun. And there's no lack of affection...they all want to snuggle in bed with me in the
the morning. On summer holiday my eldest spent his pocket money on a present for me

[VashtaNerada]

I'm so angry at that other woman on your behalf! What a nasty thing to say. The truth is, it's simply not true that there are two distinct groups of children: a noisy, messy male group and a pretty, thoughtful female group. Every child's different, although perhaps yours are similar because the younger ones are copying their older brothers, or maybe just genetics! Either way they can't be identical and maybe some quiet time thinking about the nicest quality of each might help.

[Spinkle]

In the spirit of equality I frequently paint my sons nails. He has been known to trash experiment with my lipstick.

He is 9, I ain't a weirdo. We have loads of laughs together.

[siblingrevelry]

I'm afraid I don't really have any words of wisdom, other than to tell you that i do girly things with my MIL (she had only boys), we're going to the food show together, and I include her on things I do with my DM & DSis, so hopefully as your boys settle down you'll have the mother-daughter relationship to some extent with the fabulous daughters-in-law you're going to have x

[Footface]

I think it down to fear of being alone. If you have girls you rightly or wrongly assume that you will have a close relationship and as they grow up you will become friends.

With boys I worry that I'll always be a last thought or an obligation once ds's get married and lucky if I get visited twice a year.

[Crowler]

I agree with hopasolic. I'm kind of shocked by what I hear from some mothers, the way girls can be quite ruthless with their shifting alliances. Sometimes my boys (far from perfect, but just naughty in a completely different way) come home with some tale of what happened with the girls that day and their bewilderment at it all is hilarious.

[Worriedkat]

Snap! My mad odd woman was in M&S telling me that my newborn DS3 was a disappointment surely, and in a very patronising way "oh I'm sure you love him but every woman wants a daughter" just as her own adult daughter came up with some clothes to show her mother.

Gaaaaaah!

However, I would have to say that none of my female friends have the mother daughter relationship with their own mothers, that I would have envisaged. They live on different continents, or the mother has died and they are motherless, or they fell out and don't speak, or the daughter feels guilty and beholden to the mothers happiness, and so on. I don't know anyone in their 30's who goes girlie shopping with their mums, I do however have friends who resent their mothers demanding their time and energy which they don't have enough of to give. I suspect there is a flip side - you see what you are missing, not what you are not missing.

I have no female relatives at all, mum dead and no sisters. In fact there was a thread on chat about a month ago and several of us in the same boat, so you're not alone.

[mumof3sons]

Possibly help would be good but I can't imagine admitting to anybody in real life that my family feels all wrong, it feels as if I've stepped into someone else's family and it isn't mine.

I didn't get pregnant knowing I'd feel like this. With DC2 I was disappointed but got over it quickly enough. It was DC3, a surprise but a welcome one, where the disappointment hit. I imagined them saying 'you're having a daughter' and being filled with elation. I explored, of course, the possibility it was another boy and I thought I'd feel fleetingly disappointed but all in all, fine.

I wasnt prepared for the shock I felt when I heard "congratulations, it's a little boy." I verged between sickening, heart wrenching sorrow and then guilt and feeling so, so sorry for this little boy whose mother didn't want him - I almost saw it through third person perspective. A third child absolutely stretched our finances to breaking point and I think I saw it as "worth it" for a girl. That sounds so awful, I don't mean it to.

I don't understand it myself; I know girls do this and boys do that and really it makes no difference but somehow it does.

[Bythebeach]

Sorry posted too soon......

And as for ending up being the mother in law...mine is lovely and reasonably close to us so I hope to emulate her!

I think it must be harder on your own though...there is less sitting down and colouring in our household than most I know and having two of us to take them out and occupy them makes a big difference. The weeks my oh is away are exhausting.

Do you have any help?

[Nerfmother]

This is my advice and you may have tried it already so apologies. Find something good to do alone with each one. Try not to take all three out everywhere if you can - if one is on a play date take another to the cinema. Three is a huge amount of 'boy' to manage. Eg I have 3 boys and one does rugby; I love going to watch him, chatting to the mums etc. another loves quiet stuff so we draw together or he goes to drama club and we sometimes make dinner together. And I don't mean each week I just mean find their unique interest or 'thing' and enjoy it with them - even if it's just maths homework - (ds1) loves numbers.
I know this isn't always easy but it is easier to get to know one rather than all three.
Another thing - do stuff with other mums of boys. Much less stressful.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

Nasty bitch, her not you. Wtf was she thinking being so rude?! Pity her poor child.

I have 1 of each and did want a girl first time which I wanted because I'd always pictured myself having a girl (much same way you did). I will say tho that my son is a lot more affectionate than my daughter. Neither a boy or girl is a guarantee of one particular character trait. Or of getting on with their siblings.

It sounds like you need some counselling to help you come to terms with what you have got (3 healthy happy boys) instead of what you haven't got (a daughter which honestly would not guarantee you a perfect happy family).

[insanityscratching]

I have three boys and two girls, I love them all but the one I am closest to, the one I gossip with, the one I go shopping with is my second son. My eldest dd is lovely but we don't have the sort of relationship that you'd visualise a mother and daughter to have, my youngest dd is ten so I don't know if we will yet either.
My ds at six was a lot like your boys but they change as they get older and now at 24 he's such good company and a joy to spend time with. Give it time, as they mature and the rough and tumble eases off it becomes easier to have a close relationship with them.
You wait until they are teens and you'll be feeling smug when you only have to put up with being eaten out of house and home rather than the moods, strops and tears

[ClementineKelandra]

SugarHut could you please point me in the direction of your thread in mh? I'd really like to read it but can't find it.

[SugarHut]

Mumof3sons, please, please read my thread and see how not alone you are in this. It's something that I feel really strongly about trying to talk through with others in the same boat now I'm finally getting help for it.

It took me 5 years and a bit of a frantic, desperate shout on MN to get the ball rolling for me. I am still upset that I have a DS and not a DD, yes. But this time a few months ago, I was literally devastated about it, and that's such a dramatic change for me, as I had been devastated about it for the last 5 years.

My current personal thoughts are that I'll never be happy that I didn't have a DD. But I am working very hard not to be sad that I do have a DS. Which still sounds terribly pessimistic. But the change in me since I got the startings of support and advice on where to turn on MN have been amazing.

Don't let other people ever make you feel bad. Unless you are cursed with feeling this way, no one understands what it's like. And they can be pretty horrible that you aren't just, well frankly fucking well grateful you have a healthy child. They just have no idea what this is like.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here x x x