Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[StuntGirl]

Op, do you think due to your guilt you attempt to over compensate with affection, and this is why they push you away?

Fully agree that it is a personality thing and not a gender thing though.

You also sound like you are suffering from depression or something, I think you need to see a doctor and talk about it, before you end up pushing your wonderful sons away.

[Inclusionist]

You could adopt if you feel you could fit one more into your household?

[jellybeans]

I was probably like that woman once although never would have said something. I (feel awful about this now) used to 'feel sorry' for people who only had boys. I didn't really see the joy in them. My mother was very negative about boys and strongly preferred girls, i have no brothers..My friends with boys all moaned about boys and were 'desperate' for girls. So I had girls first and thought they were fab so wanted more of them. Then I had a stillbirth and after that realised how trivial gender is...

Well I went on to have 3 boys!!! First 2 at once (twins) and I am so very glad I had my own boys as they are terrific and every bit as great as girls. I even love buying boys clothes!! And the best thing is I now see how ignorant I was and how lovely other people's boys are. I think i was influenced by family and society/friends and the negativity about boys.

It's funny because with my first 2 girls, I looked like a 'girl mum' and people often commented that DH must be desperate for son! yet now when out with the younger 3 boys, I am a 'boy mum' and people may look in sympathy and wonder if i was trying for a girl!!!

Having 5 I can say that it is personality NOT private parts that determines how children act. 2 of my boys are very 'mumsy' and cuddley and 1 girl is. 2 boys and 1 girl were boisterous and ran off near the road. Only 1 boy is footy mad. All other activities we both do. I never did the whole pink frilly thing with my girls though..

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Tethersend has written very movingly about gender disappointment if you wanted to do a search - but in her case it was the other way round.

[middleclassdystopia]

Mrs Devere I've ended up very close to my MIL. We live close, speak most days on the phone. She has been there for me through all of my pregnancies and was first at the hospital to hold my babies. I love her for raising a wonderful son who is now my husband. We 'click' I think.

I am so sorry about your dd. I know nothing can replace her but have hope that with your sons you may find a lovely dil one day.

[fancyanother]

I just want to add my DB and my DH to the avalanche of other adult boys who are in contact with their mums! I see my mum quite a lot, but most of that is or the sake of the children. I was a terribly disappointing non girly, non makeup wearing, non jewellery wearing girl. My DB and his wife live closer, have sunday lunch with them all the time and take them everywhere they ask. My DH speaks to his mum every week. His mum is always moaning about how his sister doesn't do the same.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

mumof3sons, I second other posters and do hope that you can access some help to come to terms with this. You have the life you have, you have the children you have.

There are three things which I see in your posts:

I do wonder if you have idealised the mother/daughter relationship as being one you lost so very young and so didnt see to maturity.

Also I guess you may have a jaundiced view of the MiL relationship as your relationship with your DH broke down.

You say that your DF and his new wife didnt want you. Was this something they ever said or was this something you picked up? Children pick up on things.

You owe it to your sons to try to come to terms with your feelings.

[5madthings]

i cant say i get gd at all. i have five, four boys and then our bonus baby was a girl, now 2.8 and yes it is lovely buying girls clothes but she really is just like her brothers were at this age, loves dinosaurs and her lamby and sticks and running around etc.


i agree with posters who say part of this is linked in witj losing your own mum :( and now your relationship breakdown.

i agree as they get older you will find they develop more interests. my elder two like cooking. my third likes fairies. they are all obsessed with bloody minecraft, even dd!


i have just got back from a weeks holiday in whitby and have some lovely photos of dp and the boys on the beach. i loved walking a bit behind them all and just looking at my gang of boys, they are amazing and though they scared me to death clambering on rocks etc it was great to watch.


i do lots of things i never would do like go to motorbike races and car shows and steam rallies and now do enjoy it all. i also get to take ds3 to tinkerbell films!


that woman was unspeakably rude and lucky not to get a gobfull!


you are right to be adressing this and i have no doubt you love your boys!

where are you op? if you are local to me am happy to meet up xx

[5madthings]

btw dp is close to his mum.and i get on fine with her as well, we go shopping, go for lunch etc. i dont dread her visits at all if anything i find my own mum harder work and was worried about having a daughter! tbh i still find it odd sometimes to have a little girl with pigtails, it just looks syrange as i am so used to a gang of boys.

[HopLittleFroggiesHopHopHop]

I am much closer to my dad than my mum, and visa versa with my brother. I think girls often clash more with their mums, especially as teens.
I'm also a single parent, with a DD, and its just me and her. it just feels like there's that 'male' part of the family missing which I don't think would so much with a DS.

[80sbabe]

My first DC was a little girl, she died when only a few weeks old.
I then went onto have two boys, although delighted to have more children I had hoped to have another little girl. Not to replace the one I'd lost, but I'd just always hoped to experience children of both genders.
Soon after DS2 was born I found myself a single parent and resigned myself to never having another daughter.
Looking back I probably felt much the same way as you do OP. Daft as it may sound I even sometimes avoided "girl" sections in shops and when my ex went on to quickly have 3 girls in five years with a new partner - it hurt like hell.

However I did go on to meet DH2 and a year afterwards we had a little girl. She turned out, for want of a better word to be a tomboy. She loves anything mechanical, is into cars, plays football and rugby and has never shown any interest in anything that could be deemed remotely feminine. The only time she wore dresses was when she was a baby, since she could begin to express an opinion it's been jeans, track suits and trainers all the way.

To all intents and purposes I actually had 3 boys after all. My DH2 was also diagnosed with cancer when I was pregnant with our DD and following his treatment (thankfully successful) we were told that more children would not be possible.
I counted my blessings that my family was still intact I had 3 wonderful DC and despite a tough and worrying time my DH had survived.

Eight years later we got a surprise - against all the odds I was pregnant again, and we had a second DD. This daughter couldn't be more girly if she'd been been manufactured by Mattel. It's pink and glitter; dresses and dolls; hair accessories and fluff all the way - totally different to her older sister.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you don't always get what you expect even if the gender is what you'd plan in an ideal world.
Also don't ever think that this is necessarily "it" - life can throw you curveballs now and again.

I do however have some experience of what could probably be termed mild gender disappointment and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable for feeling the way you do.

[halfwayupthehill]

I think crazy hit the nail on the head when she said she wanted a girl to somehow fix herself as she raised her. Sorru for misquoting but am on the phone. That is a bit how i feel. I kind of literally wanted to reproduce and raise a girl giving her everything, in a nonmaterial sense that i never had.
And mrsdv was so moving.
Inevitably there are going to be differences depending on gender.

[Amy106]

It was boys for me and girls for my sister so we did a Saturday afternoon swap every once in a while. I got to enjoy time with my nieces and she got to enjoy time with her nephews. It worked for us and of course we still did lots of fun stuff with everyone together.

[TootsFroots]

I think you can legitimately feel sorry that you have not had a daughter. It is a reasonable thing to be dissapointed about. As long as you don't let anyone in RL know (they can be too judgey) and as long as you are a lovely Mummy to your boys then I can't see the problem with the occasional bout of feeling a little bit sorry you didn't have a girl. It's not like you are saying you are dissapointed in your boys is it!
You are not telling other people they should be dissapointed if they have only boys.
If it becomes more than an occasional bit of feeling dissapointed then maybe there is more to it.

I bet everyone has things they feel a bit dissapointed in. I would have liked longer slimmer legs Presumably that may be thought of as 'ungrateful' because I should just be grateful that I have legs IYSWIM

[Belugagrad]

I just want to add that I love my mil- so not all doom and gloom!

Also my mum was very sad when my dad left. I have sisters- she wanted him to help with DIY/ driving- divorce is just as bad whether you have boys or girls.

[Italiangreyhound]

I'm so sorry for this woman's stupid and thoughtless comment.

Not getting the family you hoped for is hard. I know there will be many people who have not had any children who would think you very lucky to have three, but I do understand you will maybe not be able to see it this way at the moment.

I am also sorry you sound so down about your life. Can I ask if might be a tiny bit depressed after the breakup of your relationship?

Firstly, if you think there may be any depression due to your relationship break up or due to the birth of your last child (I do know people who have had post natal depression for quite a while), please go to see the doctor for help.

I would also suggest you make use of whatever friends, especially female friends, you have to enjoy some fun times rather than worrying about the future. Maybe it would help you to make some new friends because in the whole of life friends can often be with us longer in terms of regular contact than partners or children can.

I recently met a lady who had been friends with her chum for 55 years. Although they had both been married and had kids they were now widowed and their children had children of their own (and in one case grandchildren!) but they still had each other! They still went for holidays away today and it was wonderful. Friendship is vital for all of us, I think.

Please cultivate the loving relationship you desire with your boys, use the internet to search for tips and suggestions for non-aggressive and sensitive games and toys to add to the boys busy schedule of football and cars. They are young enough to learn a few new things as well as enjoying what they currently do.

There are many books for boys which may be good; I loved Steve Bidulph's books about happy children so I wonder if his raising boys book is any good? I wonder if books can help to cultivate that relationship you would enjoy more.

Finally, when your boys are older and meet girl friends and wives you may well be the lovely and kind mother in law, who can be a true friend and a great person (as well as a lovely grandmother to the children). But before you wish away your life imaging what will happen when your boys are older and leave home, please enjoy the time you have with them now.

All best wishes for your future, may it be full of all the wonderful things you would like and may you find the skills to make it a reality.

PS if you would like to buy a few girlie items just remind yourself that little girls do not always do as we expect and you may find a girl in any family does not necessarily want ribbons, bows or any such things.

[PomBearArmy]

I bet if that woman had been expecting a little boy she would be slinging her insults at mothers of girls instead, I know that type.

You don't know what the future holds OP, you could still have a daughter? But I really think you will appreciate your boys more and more as they mature. They are still very young, and all young children are noisy, smelly and obsessed with their new-found genitals - even girls!

[NoComet]

a MIL isn't a bad thing to be, I loved mine to pieces and still miss her 13 years after she died.

[foreverondiet]

That women was unbelievably vile and rude, and you should have told her so.

Re: gender disappointment - can see that it's hard, but you can't choose what sort of family you get - i.e. gender /characteristics. Maybe counselling to deal with it?

[WahIzzit]

I am sorry you are feeling this way OP. Haven't had chance to read all 6 pages, but please try and speak to somebody about these thoughts. I agree with pps who mentioned that the dc may pick up on the negative feelings, and it is not right. Forget genders for a second. Your dc are individuals, little persons with feelings and a right to like and dislike things depending on their interests. It has little to do with gender. I have two boys and they are the life and soul of our household.
The other day I was cuddling ds1 who is nearly 4. I asked him for more cuddles while he giggled and tried to get away. He asked why I wanted more, and I replied that when he is older he may not want to cuddle me. Well that upset him and he insisted he will never stop giving me hugs and kisses. He is the sweetest little thing in the world.

I come from a culture where boys are preferred to girls, and there is blatant favouritism towards boys by parents, gparents and other extended.family. Thankfully my dparents did not care whether I was a boy or girl, but many people I know of are disappointed or even devastated, after learning of their baby being a girl. How can it be the fault of the innocent little child which gender it happened to be? It angers me so much.
My db and his wife have 3 girls. They love them so much and take care of their every need and much more. However at the time when dsil was pregnant with dniece3 she suffered various complications throughout the 9 months. After learning it is another girl she was so upset, telling me that she didn't care if the baby made it or not. It broke my heart, as dsil is a wonderful person and how could she be feeling and speaking this way. It made no sense. They would love to try for a boy but what guarantee is there that it will be? Why subject an innocent baby to a life of rejection because it isn't what we as parents preferred. And its not always blatant neglect or rejection, even young children can pick up on our subtle feelings.

[Floralnomad]

I also haven't read the whole thread but perhaps this woman has been mis represented , she may simply have meant that you look like you've got your hands full with all your boys and she is glad she's having a girl because boys look like hard work. Also you are not just going to be a MIL you are always going to be a mother but if you let your boys pick up on these vibes you no doubt will have problems later .

[MovingForward0719]

Unfortunately I get comments like this from my own mother on a regular basis. When my first son was born she asked me if I was disappointed with him. When my second son was born she told me she was disappointed. Even when I told her my second son was being assessed for autism she still banged on about how I would have horrible DILs. Even now, a couple of years later with a no doubt about it autistic son, she still goes on about it. I visit her once a week because I am kind but this isn't the mother/daughter relationship you would dream of. I love my children. If the second one is ever able enough to have a wife and put her first, nobody will be happier than me. Yanbu but the woman you met was a pillock. Enjoy your family :-)

[MitMopse]

My MIL had two boys, and admits she was very disappointed not to have a little girl. Her boys have grown into two kind, funny, decent men and they have a lovely relationship despite the guys total hatred of shopping etc etc. She now has a lovely DIL (me! ha) to go shopping with and share a glass (or two) of wine with, and has a great relationship with her other son's lovely fiancée. Needless to say she has enjoyed shopping for pretty things for her first grandchild, my DD!

I mean in no way to trivialise your struggle, just to try and echo others' wise words on here that your sons will no doubt bring much joy to you in the years to come. No matter how boisterous they can be now as they mature they will show you that they treasure their mum. I am my mum's clone (hurts to confess it) and we do have 'girl time' but it can be very intense as we are so similar, and I know I was a bloody PITA as a hormonal teenager.... I wish you all the best and hope you can get past these feelings and be happier with your little guys.

[tallulah]

It does read that there is more to this than just GD. Children of the ages yours are are very hard work, especially when you are on your own.

FWIW I had a DD followed by 3 boys. I wanted just girls. Like you tho, I think I was trying to "fix" me by getting it right with DD. Sadly we never seemed to really get on and she left home at 17. We don't see much of her.

2 of my boys did ballet and it was so much more fun being a boys mum rather than a girls mum in the dance world. DS2 came with me to ballroom dancing lessons when he was 15. Now he is 24 he is on the phone every 5 minutes and we see him all the time.

Our late/ surprise baby turned out to be DD2. After 20 years of longing for a second girl I spent most of the pgcy in counseling because I couldn't get my head around it. She is 6 now and has been very hard work. On your day out she'd have been in the bushes with sticks, or rolling about in the mud (in her pretty dress!). I know lots of families like your friends, with their 2 perfectly angelic DDs who just get on with everything