Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

I think society is programmed to expect a PFB boy then a girl.
When I was pg with DD , I was asked:
"Oh is it your first?"
"No, I've got a 2yo son"
"Oh you'll want a girl then"

Not do you hope for a girl or A girl would be lovely.
I was TOLD that I would be wanting a girl

TBH a boy would've been easier.
I would have been able to use DS clothes.
The way my house is (3 bed) my DS has the lounge because the 3rd room is a boxroom.
I couldn't and still can't abide screaming girls when they play. Luckily my DD was never a screamer.

I think I'd have just said to Rude Woman

"Well thank God my sons don't have YOU as a mother eh?" and given her a whore of a look.

[CoteDAzur]

I think you would really benefit from counseling. Talking to an unbiased outsider would easily let you see the pitfalls in your reasoning that you seem stuck on.

I'm not a girly mum and connect more on books & philosophical discussions with DD than anything else. Never brushed her hair either, because it is very curly. It never occurred to me to think that I am not suited to bring girls up, like you seem to think you're not the right mum for your boys.

[middleclassdystopia]

OP your post really touched me.

I can understand. I think people get angry at this, but although of course you know you are blessed to have three healthy children, it is understandable to mourn the loss of what you would have liked.

But I can't help feel your feelings run deeper than just gender disappointment. Fear of being alone etc. Could it be that your loss of your own mother has triggered this and feeling unwanted by your father and step mother.

I lost my mum young. I felt unloved by my adoptive parents. I yearned for a girl as I somehow felt it would 'make up' for these losses.

I wonder if counselling would help you.

[fluffyraggies]

Sometimes we have feelings which we know are 'irrational' or 'illogical'. Knowing or being told they are irrational or illogical is not a cure. Like post-natal depression - knowing you've got it doesn't make it go away. We can find ourselves at some stages in our lives thinking or feeling things which we never expected, and are horrified to find ourselves thinking or feeling them.

Trying to rationalise them here further is pointless OP. This thread is being helpful for you to see that you are not alone, and to give you pointers on help with how to get over these feelings, but please stop torturing yourself. You're not bad or evil!

I wish you well.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Mum I understand how you feel having been there myself. I wouldn't change a hair of the head of my beloved sons but hankered after a daughter with a visceral and physical longing.

This was years ago and I didn't discuss it and well done you for being brave enough to be honest.

I can tell you that it gets a lot better as they grow up into individuals and now (youngest is 12) it's fine. The odd twinge, but fine.

And just in case some people haven't got the message, we adore our sons and wouldn't change them for the world.

[MadBusLady]

It doesn't sound awful at all looseleaf. All children surely have "obsessions" with things (mine was Care Bears) that bore the pants off even the most devoted parents at times.

OP, I believe you about the nail varnish etc but you do sound like you have some pretty fixed notions about gender. Of course you can teach your sons to be men! You can certainly buy them pints, for a start.

I find it interesting you're attributing a sort of empathic power to a daughter you don't have - doesn't that mean that power actually resides within you? The things you feel you could teach your sons "through" a daughter are actually things you can teach them through yourself. "She" doesn't have the qualities you're attributing, you have them.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Can I ask people to stop slagging girls off on this thread?

Perhaps some girls are vile little eye rolling madams but not many.

You may think you're bring kind to the OP but it's not kind it's just misogynist wank aimed at small children.

[mumof3sons]

Thank you.

I can promise you I am not a horrible person. I'm not prone to sulking over what I haven't got either - I just can't seem to get my head around my boys.

I think it is linked to losing my mum if I am honest not having a family myself was what made me desperate with one with dp. Then that went horribly wrong. I have just never felt loved. I wish my children made me feel loved but thy don't (I know they do though.)

[mumof3sons]

Actually this thread has helped me see my boys are poppets in some ways, ok they aren't cuddly boys but they are hilarious, clever, polite (to adults! not always to one another!) and I appreciate all their great qualities.

But they are 'typical' boys and I feel a bit lost with them. I want to be the best mum I can and I don't know how to be. I note the point above about fixed ideas of gender but I have to say this is true of the world, to me - its only on Internet forums where boys wear dresses and girls watch football. Like I say I bought them gender neutral stuff but they didn't want it. They wanted to play football and play with cars.

[Crowler]

OP did I miss the part where your husband has left?

I feel quite strongly that a lot of the disappointment you're dealing with right now is the reality of toddlers - they are boisterous and demanding and will very often push you away when you're coming in for a kiss. I found toddler-hood very hard, and in my experience boy toddlers can play in a really aggressive and tedious way. When you mentioned Thomas the Tank I was thinking "ugh" - I remember endless Thomas. It will get so much easier.

[mumof3sons]

I think it will definitely get easier, DSs 1 and 2 are at school and aside from pangs about pinafore dresses and rights I just feel proud. I had worried most about Ds3 but perhaps it's just his age?

[TiredFeet]

Just to give you hope for the future - I am really close to my mil, closer than to my mum. she had 3 boys, but has taken real care with her dil to be kind and supportive but not interfering. And two of her granchildren are daughters so she is finally getting to do all the girly stuff. All her boys are very protective of her as well.

[stopgap]

namechange I feel that this thread is actually a far sadder commentary about the way many women view having sons: as the gender booby prize, wild little noise-mongers.

Maybe it's because I'm currently pregnant with DS2 and have already had the, "Are you sure you're okay?" questions from well-meaning strangers and family members. Of course I'm fucking okay. I'm having another healthy boy who might, just might, be as much funand loving, and sensitive, and just as much into dolls and ponies as much as Spiderman and trucksas DS1.

[Bakingtins]

I think a lot of this must be that unexpectedly being a single parent of three small children of any gender is quite overwhelming.
I have 2 DS's and TBH would have chosen a girl for DC2 (if choice was an option). I've lost four babies along the way and would now be bloody grateful for a healthy baby of any description. It puts any disappointment about gender into stark perspective.
Of course you can find healthy male role models for your boys, in the same way that a girl would equally benefit from a father figure/ male role model. I recommend the Steve Biddulph book "Raising boys" as a starting point for understanding where they are coming from.
Though my boys are very active they are also compassionate, all about cuddles and not remotely interested in football. I do not envy mothers of girls of my acquaintance the flouncing, manipulative behaviour and being six-going-on-sixteen that seems to be common.
You sound very distant from your sons, I think you need some help to reconnect and start to appreciate them for who they are rather than wishing they were something else.

[MadBusLady]

Well, it's just my feeling and I don't know, but I reckon the cars and football are a littlies bonding thing and they'll start to stretch and grow into the world a bit soon . The younger two in particular aren't really old enough to know what they like yet. It must be so fun to be a gang of three so close in age and they go for the stuff they all have in common, maybe it gets amplified a bit.

I take the point about the gender neutral toys. What I meant more was that you're imagining the first pint/football match/suit are going to be the defining moments of their maturity, and I'm not sure that's true. One of them might never forget his first ride on a horse, or another his first science experiment, or another his first trip abroad. Some of the stuff you can do with them and show them WILL be exciting and life-changing to them in ways you perhaps can't predict when they're toddlers. Ok first ballet lesson is an outlier, but you never know!

Hope you don't beat yourself up too much anyway, I agree it's impossible to be rational about these things

[campion]

You're on your own with 3 very small boys who hardly see their father? It's not surprising you're finding life difficult - I think you would had you had 3 girls.

Why does your ex-p think he can just abandon them? They need a father.You definitely need some one to share some of this with without feeling guilty or judged.Does your gp have a counsellor?

I understand where you're coming from as it took me a long time to admit that I'd rather DS2 had been
a girl (despite his birth being a v close call for both of us).I have never told anyone because as they got older I realised that they're just people, warts and all and I couldn't possibly love them more whatever their sex. It just wasn't the big deal I thought and they are both so different now that they could be from different planets.

Yes, boys do tend to be more physical when they're small-a bit like puppies who need lots of playing and running about.Doesn't mean they'll stay that way.And the fact is,you are the best thing that ever happened to them.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

its only on Internet forums where boys wear dresses and girls watch football. Like I say I bought them gender neutral stuff but they didn't want it.

Bollocks. I actually think you would have been more disappointed with my DD. Dinosaurs, trucks, cars and ENDLESS running around roaring and hitting. Hates holding hands, not a lot of cuddles but she is so much fun. You are mourning something that doesn't exist. Your perfect daughter.

Oh, and I live 5000 miles away from my Mum. My brother sees her every week or so.

[neunundneunzigluftballons]

I described life with 2 girls to my friend today.
Dd2: can I get a skeleton costume for Halloween
Me: sure. Thinking to myself they were 2 euro last year excellent.
Dd1: you told me we could not buy a 'insert costume' for me why does dd2 always get what she wants.
Me: that is not what happened actually I said it was such an unusual costume choice we could not buy it and would have to make it ourselves. Cue melt down. Feeling a little sorry for her I said.
Me: dd1 do you want to go in and buy some milk in the shop while we wait for you. She loves this makes her feel grown up.
Cue melt down for dd2 who never in her 3 years gets to shop for me. And so it continues all bleeding day. What does ds do. sit patiently and quietly all the while grinning with his charming smile and secret destructive intentions and I think wouldn't 3 boys be great. Be careful what you wish for. :-)

[SecretWitch]

Mumof3, feelings are neither right or wrong, they just exist. What is the best way for you to cope with these feelings if they are making you feel so bad? What steps will you take to resolve them so they don't reflect negatively on your relationship with your sons?

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

Yeah stopgap you're right. The patriarchy fucks us all

[mumof3sons]

I can assure you I would not have been disappointed at all with a girl even if she did indeed hate traditional 'girly' things, I am simply explaining that I have found gender stereotypes to have some truth in them.

[zeeboo]

I have both genders in my family but I always wanted both genders and would have probably have felt a little like you had I only had one or other gender. That said, I don't understand your negativity towards boys. My sons are far and away closer to me than my girls, as are my brother to my Mum and my DH to his Mum. My boys were cuddlier than my girls and quieter and certainly easier babies and toddlers. Now, I love shopping trips with my 13 year old, going to coffee and a pizza, him telling me I'd look nice in a top that catches my eye, me buying him 15 video games in GAME. My eldest is 19 and we share a love of real ale, humour including Monty Python and American politics.
I have a lot in common with my 15 yr old dd but we don't get on as well and argue more. Her sense of humour is more like my Dhs and we don't always get each other.
It's my son who sings solos in the choir and gives me an opportunity to go to the school Xmas concert, it's him in the orchestra, I'm not missing out on anything by having him and his brother.
I see very, very little of my mother these days and more of my MIL. We all agree that my younger son is just like his Dad and will come to see me all the time, take me out, do my DIY etc. My DD will likely keep in touch more often by phone.

[festered]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I am not in your position so I cannot say I understand, but I am sorry you are struggling.

You should get some help with this situation as the way you are feeling will impact on you , your sons and your relationship with them-you can have a great time with your sons, and enjoy subsequent times with their partners, and be that great MIL in the future, but it needs to be because you are grateful and happy for your sons.
You may have had a girl who had been a total tomboy, who was nothing you envisioned, who was even more hard to get along with than your boys...You may have had boys who were a lot more hard work than the ones you have. They may change and become totally the kind of people you want to be around, as they get older. It's important to accept them as they are and let them know you love them and not let your feelings of the situation come across at all-so make sure you get help.

My Great Aunt has SIX boys, and wanted a girl all along and kept trying for one, It's a big story in our family!
I was a girl , in a family that really wanted a boy. I'm my Dad's only and he always wanted a son 'to prove what a good Father he could be'. He was disappointed that I was a girl, disappoint that I didn't enjoy fishing (I was just bored stupid and frozen on every trip I was dragged on!) And generally didn't like me as a person from my being very young, and it showed-we didn't speak for years-I knew he wanted a boy. On the other hand, I hated shopping and girly things as well and my Mother didn't really want a child at all-so I wasn't much going for me!
I have a friend who has two boys and something (although not as rude!) similar happened to her-a woman she knew a little said 'Ooh two boys!I bet you want a girl!'
I was thinking how rude it was to say that but my friend replied 'No, I love little boys, they're easier!'

Changing your mindset will help this situation. Enjoy your boys!Try maybe to get them into a 'masculine' activity that you will enjoy , too-be their friend as well as their parent. Good luck!

[specialsubject]

first, that woman must have been on day release from the home for the unspeakably rude. Well done on not hitting her, even more well done on being vaguely polite. You have three healthy children and she says she thinks she wouldn't like it?

you can buy tights for boys and send them to ballet if they are interested. Not all girls are. All children are noisy, it's their job - if you wanted the little girl sitting delicately in the corner dressed in pink frills there aren't many of those. And who would want there to be?

If you have decent sons (and why shouldn't you) they will enjoy your company and continue to do so into your old age. My (male) partner gets on well with his mum the same as his sister does. Or they might emigrate, go off the rails, or do lots of other things that don't meet your plans. Girls could do the same.

they do need to do as they are told on hand holding near the road, though. No child under 15 has much road sense, and certainly not your little ones.

[kilmuir]

The lady in car park was VERY rude.
I have 3 DD and 1 ds. They are all very different, not specfic to gender stereotyping