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AIBU?

Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

223 replies

mumof3sons · 21/09/2013 18:09

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

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colleysmill · 21/09/2013 18:46

Im pregnant with no 2 with a ds and whilst its really daft since having ds I just can't picture myself with a dd.

Whether its because that's what I've experienced and I've just about got the hang of parenting a (very) boisterous little lad but the thought of dresses and glitter seems really alien to me.

Mind you I've never really fitted the typical "girl" stereotype so there's hope of refuge from sparkly stuff!

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Crowler · 21/09/2013 18:47

I also think you're just in the really tedious toddler zone, you'd be going mad if there were a girl in the mix as well. Promise.

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colleysmill · 21/09/2013 18:48

Sorry I meant to add I kind of get where you are coming from, if from a different angle.

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MadBusLady · 21/09/2013 18:49

Your sons are still littlies really, esp the younger two. It doesn't surprise me that they're all cleaving to "boy" activities together, society presents this stuff to them as good boy bonding material. You might find they surprise you as they blossom and start to develop their individual tastes a bit more.

My DP has a brother very close in age and I get the impression they were all about the guns/football/fighting etc when little and they're not at all your stereotypical sporty blokey types now (though they still bond over football).

Also can't help feeling you caught your friends' DDs on a good day, I'm sure little girls whine too!

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mumof3sons · 21/09/2013 18:49

Footface I think that is it, it is fear of being alone.

I perhaps should have mentioned my own mother died when I was 9 (my parents were already divorced). My dad married my stepmum but neither of them really wanted me and I grew up knowing this.

I really am sorry for those who have lost babies and while I can't imagine what that would feel like I can say that I would have and still ould be heartbroken to lose my DSs, I love them dearly and I would move the world for them. But I still have this strange feeling of being in someone else's life, normally at the dead of night.

I know some posters must think it is down to makeup or hair styles, it isn't, I don't like nail polish or lipstick on little girls (or boys sorry) -it has nothing to do with that. I just feel afraid for the future and I am terrified that I don't understand my boys and they therefore won't understand me.

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FriskyHenderson · 21/09/2013 18:50

What a horrible thing for her to have said perhaps the scan was wrong though, eh? but it has clearly stirred something in you.

You sound disconnected from your boys - which is as likely to happen with a daughter, although I understand that's hard for you to accept right now. How can you find that common ground with them?

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SugarHut · 21/09/2013 18:52

Clementine, I think it's called "help without anti depressants" and I warn you now, people get pretty fucking horrible to me on it. Like really vicious. This is why OP who can't imagine how to talk to someone in real life about this really NEEDS to see it. She's me basically, only she has 3 boys and I only have 1. I know what this is doing to her. I really want her to read my thread and see how messed up I am about it, but how I am changing very slowly but surely and how to go about getting help. It took me 5 yrs to do something about it thinking I would get my DS taken off me if I went to a professional and said how low I was. She needs to see that the quicker she acts, the less of her life she will feel so bloody terrible about something she just can't help or change.

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farewellfarewell · 21/09/2013 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopgap · 21/09/2013 18:53

Can we get something straight about boys? My husband is far closer to his mother than I am to mine (same goes for my brother). My father was also smitten with his mum (in a healthy way) and misses her terribly nearly ten years after her passing. I really don't know where this idea comes from that men abandon their mothers once they get older and get married. It simply is not the case among countless men I know.

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Lj8893 · 21/09/2013 18:54

I haven't read the whole thread so it could quite possibly have been said but 3 boys doesn't always mean you are going to "lose" them when they marry, boys can be very protective of thier mum, especially if you have 3 of them!

My dp is the only boy with 4 sisters so not the same situation but he is incredibly close to his mum, much more so than any of his sisters are. And when she's in her old age I can guarantee it will be him looking after her and keeping her company rather than any of his siblings.

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Rowanred · 21/09/2013 18:55

Yanbu although the woman was very rude/weird to say that to you. I feel the same. I had a boy first and I was disappointed when I found out. Now he's older we just don't have much in common- everything he is interested in bores me to death! ( cars, mario, video games etc!). I then had a dd and although she is only a baby it's just different. I love them both the same but I just connect more with girl children( not just my own!). I am m

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marriedinwhiteisback · 21/09/2013 18:56

I'm sorry but I think you need professional help. Did you not understand that every pregnancy ends in a boy or a girl and that you cannot chose?

I am hiding this thread now.

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EastFife5Forfar4 · 21/09/2013 18:57
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plummyjam · 21/09/2013 18:57

I'm not in your boat but can see why you would feel this way. I think the majority of women like a bit of female company. Have you got female friends, your own mum, sisters?

I agree with others who've said that boys often stay very close to their mums as they get older. I think girls are a lot more independent. And take what you read on here about MILs with a pinch of salt - I adore my MIL (a mum of 3 boys - 2 of whom still live at home BTW), she's like a second mum to me and a fantastic GM to my DD.

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mumof3sons · 21/09/2013 18:57

I honestly don't know. It's difficult, impossible really, doing something on my own with one of them as it's just me and I have very little support.

It IS lovely to see them playing and running and being so active, but I never get cuddled or my hand held or just day to day chat, it's just excalmations ("Mummy!") and accusations of farting and endless games involving death and destruction and violence. Sometimes I do find it genuinely amusing but it's all tempered against this surge of boyness, I just feel if dc3 had been a girl I'd be a great mother, not just to my on existent girl but to my other two sons as well.

I am not making any sense I know.

I think it will get better when they are older, at the moment to be honest they are full on.

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theneedajobname · 21/09/2013 18:57

A couple years ago, I met a woman on the way to the local library who had five boys. They were all walking along behind her in height order, hitting each other every so often and throwing evil looks and giggling and just being little boys. It was the cutest thing I'd seen in ages; they were honestly adorable. So I said to her, You're so lucky! Your DC are just wonderful. She stopped dead and said, No one has ever said that to me! It's always, you must be sad not to have a girl.

What a horrible thing to say to anyone - that woman in the parking lot was well out of order. I agree with the poster who mentioned that boys worship their mothers. Those boys will adore you and I'm sure your DILs will too, one day. I'm sorry that it's hard right now.

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MadBusLady · 21/09/2013 18:58

You can also go on the relationships board any day of the week and find plenty of women who for various reasons aren't particularly close to their mothers. I think it must be easy to imagine the best case scenario if you don't have the reality in front of you (as you do with the boys).

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EastFife5Forfar4 · 21/09/2013 18:58

Op, the lonely when older thing, well, there are thousands of us in here who are estranged from our own mothers. My two brothers are closer to my mother than I am. I don't even see her any more.

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looseleaf · 21/09/2013 18:59

What a thoughtless woman you met, I'm sorry.

My MIL and I were incredibly close and I think that's down to a) her being amazing and b) treating me as one of her own children even before she'd known me long. I used to call her Mum as a joke and when DD was born (our first) we travelled by train across 2 countries to be with her as DD was too young to fly and Mil couldn't come to us. I know in law relationships gets a bad press but my MIL was so accepting and loving (and I'm from quite a different background to her so we both needed understanding at times) you may well be welcome to come and stay for a month at a time as she did and we loved it

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BashfulBunny · 21/09/2013 19:01

married the OP is not claiming it's rational thinking and arguing that someone else has it harder may be true but doesn't negate her feelings.

OP, it makes complete sense that you were hoping for more of a companion than your ds seem to be. If it is any help my two older brothers are into fast cars, sport, beer... The usual. But they adore my mum and are very much her friends and companions. It took til they were older and more aware.
My mum also tends to adopt their gf so it is possible to be a nice MiL. She often is the one they go to rather than their own mums.

Your ds' personalities are still forming and will be for a long time. They may surprise you Smile

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stopgap · 21/09/2013 19:03

mumof3sons the lack of hand-holding is a personality thing, not a gender thing. I have just as many friends with girl toddlers who never get cuddles.

Me, I can't move most days for my 2-year-old son running into my legs and proclaiming, "Cud. Mummy!" He would be held and cuddled all day long if he had his way, and has been so inclined since he was born.

My husband also needs plenty of hugs, so maybe it's genetic :)

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mumof3sons · 21/09/2013 19:04

Marriedinwhite I know you said you are hiding the thread, but I have explained the circmstances around my DCs conception. If I had thought, at any point, that my partner would leave me with a 6 month old baby and a pre schooler and toddler I would never have had them. If I had known I'd feel like this about 3 sons I'd never have had them. I know I'm horrible for feeling this way, I cry my eyes out about it. And then I descend upon whicever DC is nearest to me to swoop him in my arms and emulate all that love on him (because it isthere, trust me, I love them, god, more than I could ever explain) and I get shoved away and "When are we going to Asda Mummy, I want a go on Thomas the Tank engine."

I would not have had them because I am not the right mother for them, I know this. I can't teach them to be a man. I can't provide a loving male role model to buy them their first pint, their first suit or go to the footy/cricket with. I could do that for a girl - I could buy her prom dress or whatever the equivlanent but I could teach her to be a lovely young woman, as I myself am considered to be "really nice" (yes, really!) and I think through my girl, I could teach my boys to be men.

But I don't, so I can't.

I love them, I KNOW I shouldn't have had them, but I did and I do, so now what can I do?

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looseleaf · 21/09/2013 19:05

I just read rowanred's post and just thought to mention DD (6) can bore me too but I almost always try to pay attention and pretend to be interested - that sounds awful but it keeps us so close and I think that's helpful and also might help during the teenage years if we're already sharing everything so much. And sometimes it's maybe more an age thing (eg she finds absolutely everything like Mooshi Monsters fascinating) rather than gender?

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mumof3sons · 21/09/2013 19:08

I can imagine being bored by a girl, I can imagine a girl not wanting to hug me, I can imagine a girl being a complete pain. It doesn't stop me wanting a girl. :) Not "a girl who behaves like this and likes these things" - just a girl.

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looseleaf · 21/09/2013 19:11

OP it does sound so hard but remember if you weren't there how very much your boys need and do love you. Our son isn't as demonstrative either but the minute I'm not there he only wants or talks about Mummy. So they may not always make it as obvious as would be nice but I feel quite certain they love you more than anyone else in the world

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