Can someone please offer me advice, gender disappointment 3 years on

[mumof3sons]

I had a horrible experience today. I was shopping with my 3 lovely boys, aged 6, 4 and 2 years. We were just getting out of the car when a pregnant woman walked past and made a little face at me and said "ugh I would not like that." I thought she meant my car at first as its a bit of an old banger so I laughed a bit (still thinking it was a bit rude but this is an old mining town and people are quite open to each other but it tends to be done in good humour.) I said "Oh it keeps us going" and she said something like "No, I meant 3 boys, I wouldn't like that, I'm glad I'm having a girl."

I didn't know what to say, just something like "oh well these boys are lovely" but I've been thinking all day. She was obviously a bit strange but the truth is I did and do struggle with this issue.

I had a slight preference for a girl when having dc1, but I can't say I was disappointed as I knew we'd be having another. The second time I did want a girl, and we did all the 'right' things, sex before not on ovulation, diets, but dc2 was a boy. It's hard to explain quite how I felt, I was disappointed and upset and I was jealous of my friends.

Dc3 was a happy surprise and I was convinced this was my daughter, I thought that she'd be brought into a home with 2 older brothers laughing and teasing her, most of my friends had a boy and a girl or two daughters but the two who had two the same sex then went on to have a third both had a different gender (one had their dd1 and one had a ds1) so I can't explain it, I 'knew' she was a girl. And she wasn't. I couldn't even accept the gender scan, I just cried my eyes out.

My boys aren't as lovely as I claimed either and I just find them so full on, noisy and messing with their willies and fighting. They are all obsessed with cars and vehicles and transport (we have been VERY gender neutral in toys but this is their choice) and I find it so dull, and FOOTBALL. They aren't affectionate and often refuse to hold my hand when walking near busy roads.

And I dread the future. I feel lonely just thinking about the years to come where they will get married and I will always be "the MIL" (dp and I split up after the birth of our youngest, he has little to do with them now.) I just wish I had a daughter so much it hurts. When I see little girls in my DS1 & 2 classes I wish they were mine. For shallow reasons - I want to buy tights, brush hair, buy little dresses, send to ballet, enjoy girlhood with - and for non shallow, I want some company and friendship in my old age!

Does anyone have any advice? 3 boys is just not how I wanted my family to look. I do love my boys, I really do, but I would not have chosen this at the same time.

[MitMopse]

Oh and forgot to say, that woman was being rude and ridiculous.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

I have two boys. I had a random old lady peer into the pram when son 2 was newborn, and say "oh you must be so disappointed".

I was - why would I be disappointed with my lovely baby?

She said having two boys was not good enough and I would have to "try for a girl".

I haven't. I don't want any more children, two is enough for me.

My MIL "tried for a girl" after two boys, she had another boy. She now has three grandchildren - all boys. I think she was a bit disappointed I didn't produce a female grandchild.

There is a general impression that boys are hard work. In my experience it's certainly noisier. Our neighbours have one girl, she plays nicely in the garden with her friends. My children go outside, hit each other with sticks and wee in the bushes.

They don't like football, although the younger one is car obsessed his older brother likes science and Minecraft, and I do get to paint toenails (their idea, not mine!)

[jenniferalisonphillipasue]

I just wanted to say to the OP that my dh is one of 2 boys. Both he and his brother are complete mummy's boys. Both of their wives (i.e. SIL and I) see far more of our MIL than our own mothers. In fact I get on far better with my MIL than my own mother. Just because you have boys it doesn't mean they will move away.

[Ledkr]

Poor you.
I think I know how you feel actually. I had three boys and always felt a sense if sadness, jealousy, disappointment and inadequacy.
I want sure how to handle it tbh.
When ds3 was 12 I had dd! By then I was so excited to have a baby I didn't care what I had but was delighted with dd and she has fulfilled me co

[Cretaceous]

I think that ThisWayForCrazy makes an excellent point, when she says "I discovered my wish for a girl was more to do with being able to help her learn things, dress her up pretty, help her with her first boyfriends, prom dress, through her relationships, babies etc. These were all things that I didn't get when I was growing up. I subconsciously was trying to fix what had been lacking in my life."

The OP lost her mother when she was very young, which must have been terrible. She knows she is lucky to have three healthy children, that boys are lovely etc etc. It is more visceral than that, and she can't rationalize it away.

[jessieagain]

op that woman was a complete bitch. I'm so sorry she said that to you.

I just have one son (hope to have another baby soon) and I do worry about the mil issue. At least with 3 boys there is more of a chance you will have a ddil that you do get on with.

[OctoberMoon]

I really feel for you, i'm so sorry you feel this way.

You are blessed, but you know you are. My auntie has 4 DS's, no DD's. one of her DS's died unexpectedly last month. Her world is destroyed. Those 3 other boys are the only thing keeping her breathing. She is lucky in that her elsest son is engaged & she is very close to her soon to be DIL, so we are hoping future grandkids will help her want to carry on living.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising, just trying to put things into perspective.

Please don't despair about the future. One of your sons could be gay, then you'll have your shopping partner. Cherish them, tell them how much you love them, they will always be in your life if they feel loved. They will only ever have 1 mother. The vast majority of my friends & women i know have good relationships with their MIL's, i don't know where these misconceptions come from on here that everyone dislikes their MIL, it's simply not true.

Always remind your boys how important family is.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

There are a lot of rude people around, clearly, but that woman was vicious and deeply unkind. Personally I hope that whatever sex her baby is, it's a horrendous sleeper.

OP, I really think you need to seek proper counselling for this and your childhood unhappiness. And you need practical help too. It's hard enough being single parent to three kids, without having to bear this level of sadness too. Hope you can find it.

BTW my MIL is great and we see lots of her. Don't worry about that.

[Boobybeau]

What an evil, self obsessed thing to say to someone?! No wonder it knocked you sideways. Even if you were totally content with you ds's I'd imagine this comment would still have an effect. You don't know, she might have really wanted a boy and she's trying to convince herself otherwise by being horrid to other people with boys.
Sounds like your boys are still quite young and in the lively stage but im sure as they get older they will be very loving and protective of you. My DH has a great relationship with his mum (but isn't a mummy's boy) they talk all the time and actually, my mil has a better relationship with my children then my own mum. Don't believe the whole 'a sons a son till he gets a wife' crap, its just not true. You're obviously grieving for the little girl you never had, you're mourning a loss and you need to allow yourself some healing. I have a son with SN and I always think other parents are looking at me and thinking 'I'm so glad that's not my family' and if a woman said that to me I think I'd crumble. I really hope you find some peace with this and can start enjoying your boys for who they are. X

[PomBearArmy]

Plus bear in mind that any of your three sons could give you grand-daughters, arguably an even better deal as you get to enjoy all the fun stuff then hand them back!

Don't worry about being an evil MIL. The fact that you are worried about it pretty much ensures you won't be!

[theluckiest]

What a snipy horrid thing for someone to say!!

Ok, I'll be completely honest. I have two DSs. I was convinced that DS2 would be a girl. My pregnancy was completely different, felt in my bones that I would have my longed for little girl. When DS2 was born, there was a moment of disappointment. But it was more to do with what others would say. Then I realised that I actually don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. And more to the point, I had been blessed with two perfect, healthy, beautiful children.

My kids are not defined by their gender. They are so utterly different and are, well, just them. I do lose the will to live when they start wittering on about Star Wars but big DS is the rough n tumble one who is brilliant at impressions and very smart whereas the little one is surreal, very funny and lives in a crazy dreamland. And I suspect if either had been a girl, this would still be the case.

And ridiculous comments like the stupid woman who told me I was 'brave' for letting Ds1 dress up in pink frilly dresses at playgroup (he was also wearing an owl mask and policemans helmet at the time)or my FIL who told DH that you weren't a 'real man' until you had a daughter get short shrift from me. Because its bollocks. Really.

And being a teacher I personally think that teenage boys are relatively easier to handle than teenage girls.

I may eat my words in a few years with my own but there you go!

[BlingBang]

TBH, I think a big part of it could just be the enormous pressure you are under being a single mum to three young children, it must be very hard.

I only have boys and love them to bits. I'm sure I would have loved a girl and maybe a little part of me would have liked the second to be a girl (I honestly can't remember any more). but, I love having boys and they are so loving and talkative and cuddly.

Understand your concerns with them growing older, marrying and growing away from you. Know many boys often just follow their wives and according to mumsnet MIL's are the devil incarnate (not mine, she's lovely).

Hope things get easier for you and you can learn to enjoy and appreciate your boys more.

[LaGuardia]

I do feel sorry when I see a mum with three or more boys. I feel very smug to have had a boy first and then a girl. My perfect family. How very clever am I?

[Chottie]

OP please, please ignore that ignorant woman. I don't understand why people feel they need to comment on other people's families.

I have a son who is now grown up and yes, I do see him and yes he is in contact regularly. He lives about 300 miles away and it makes no difference. He is loving and caring. He doesn't have a regular GF at present, but I am so well prepared by MN that I know I will be the perfect MiL. :)

[justwondering72]

Op you sound so lost and unhappy. Your current situation is a really difficult one, issues of gender disappointment aside. You have three very young children and you rarely get a break. Add to that your relationship breakdown and the unresolved loss of your mother; there is far more going on than 'just' disappointment at not having a daughter.

What concerns me most is your belief that having daughter would somehow fulfill you and make all the pain go away. That is an unbelievable amount to ask of anyone least of all a child. And it is not right to punish your sons, by disconnecting from them in this way- I know that's not what you intend to do.

You have to find a way to heal yourself, for yourself , by yourself. Find and build some resilient core inside you that helps you to with stand life's disappointments. That is what counseling and therapy are for. So often people say 'if only I had a daughter / a son / that job / more money / that man then I would be happy'. But it rarely works like that. It is not your child's job - not even the ones that don't exist - to make you feel happy or connected or fulfilled, that is your job.

Fwiw my mum is alive and kicking, and we have a pretty good relationship. But I have never once wished to replicate that relationship, and since I have two sons, I can create a whole new relationship with them.

Good luck op.

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

What a stupid, rude bitch that woman was.

I have two DSs and no plans for any more. I do feel sad sometimes, particularly about the mil issue. But then I think about my own mil, and how I love her and how when she's elderly I want to be the one taking her out and giving her company (if she'll have me!) and I feel a bit better.

[WinkyWinkola]

That woman in the car park is a total moron. Stupid cow. How dare she insult your dcs like that?

Op, I think you're under the cosh, alone with 3 young dcs, regardless of boys or girls.

But as they are all boys, their boyishness is magnified and exaggerated.

I have 3 ds and 1 dd. Each time I found out their sex, I cried and cried. I was saying good bye to the other scenario. It's normal and natural.

But I think to a certain extent I was a bit spoiled because I was thinking, "But I want a ds/dd. Why the hell can't I have what I want, dammit."

I think you sound like you're a brilliant parent to your children. You keep offering them affection - which they're not keen on right now but that will change. Keep on being open, affectionate, loving etc. it will reap dividends.

There is nothing you can do about having a dd.

The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will find peace and really start to enjoy your dss.

[Driz]

I can't say I fully understand, because I do have girl. But my boys are something else! They make me feel like I have no control, they play games that I will NEVER understand. They make me feel like a rubbish, boring mum. I think that is ok though. I don't think we have to understand them. I think that one day everything will fall into place and having my boys will be the very best thing ever!!

[Driz]

Laguardia??

[oakmouse]

Mumof3sons I just wanted to say that I think you are being very brave and honest talking about this as it is a bit of a taboo and we can't help the way we feel. I do think it will be easier as your boys get older and more thoughtful and their interests expand.

I can see the issue of not having a daughter is raw and painful for you but is it mixed up with a more general sadness about motherhood and how different it is from what you hoped to have with your children? Only asking because my ds has ASD and my daughter is very 'high needs' and while we have carved out a happy quirky family life I still experience moments of intense sadness and frustration when our lovely "family" experiences turn to fraught screaming tension. I see other dcs building dens in the woods, playing with the family dog, getting into science activities, baking bread, going round the neighbours to play, and all sorts of other things and life just seems so...straightforward.

I also have an invisible disability and really struggle to be the kind of mum that I always thought I would be! I beat myself up about this for years. I love my dp but he has depression so that is also difficult and different from what I thought. For me the grief was about the loss of partnership, intimacy, connection, shared adventure, and in part a longing to give to my children my own fantasy of the childhood I felt I had had ripped away from me by circumstances.

I absolutely love my children's personalities but I did have to have counselling before I could appreciate the richness of what I am able to give them instead of grieving for what I can't. I'm not disappointed in them, but in myself and the general situation and it helped to separate it all out and get some peace and clarity about it all. I really really recommend it, you can get it free on the NHS although it takes a while.

Good luck with it all mumof3sons, I bet you are a lovely mum and you are not to blame for your secret sorrow - I truthfully do believe that if you can just get through this difficult time your boys will fill your life with joy and you never know, maybe you will have a goddaughter/granddaughter/friend's daughter in your life to enjoy girly times with as a bonus, and be all the closer for not being a parent, like I was with my lovely 'aunty'.

[mumof3sons]

Thank you for replying.

I am so grateful to those of you who haven't brightly said it's ok as one of my boys might like wearing nail polish or going shopping when this issue is deeper and more raw than this.

My experiences of men is that they move on when they get a better offer. While I won't pretend this is true of every man, certainly it's been true of the men in my life. It's true of my friends' husbands who all see their families regularly and see the in laws once a month, or less. My own father ended up inheriting less than his sister as his links with his family were so poor after marrying my mother. My paternal grandmother died when I was 7 and I think I saw her perhaps 6 times in my short life. I saw my mother's mother every day. Tragic as my paternal grandmother was an absolutely lovely lady while my maternal grandmother not so much. But my paternal grandmother also had a daughter, my aunt - and my cousins knew this side of the family very well.

I realise some of you state this isn't the case but when something does go so directly against your own experiences its very hard to just shrug it off brightly.

The poster who asked about adoption - lol, I'm a single mother to 3. I doubt I'm in the best position to adopt! I also have the same wariness about adoption as I do with boys: in my experience adopted children want to seek their birth families when they come of age which is absolutely their right but would feel like too much of a kick in the teeth for me. I wouldn't be able to handle it and so I wouldn't be a contender for adoption, I know this.

Thank you.

[Driz]

My MIL is part of my everyday world. My own parents live in other countries. I did not choose this, but this is the best thing ever, she is there for me always, and while it was not natural to me initially, now she is the one I turn to always. I know this is just another person's meaningless experience, but you really do not know how the future will pan out.

[tattiehowker]

I think it is worth trying to keep in mind that what you have is 3 children, who are individuals (haven't read the whole thread but guessing I am not the first to say this!).

My brothers and I are all mid to late thirties. Yes I have a good relationship with my Mum. One of my brothers lives next door to my parents and pops int o see my Mum every day. The other and his wife and three kids have just moved from the next house again to being a 20 minute drive away. We are all close to my Mum, and my sisters in law have lovely relationships with my Mum too - phone chats, shopping etc. My point is that relationships in adulthood are not gender dependent.

I have a toddler DD. She likes a range of play, dolls yes, also cars. My god-daughter is 6. Loves fairy princess games etc. Sorry to burst your bubble but most children' games can be pretty dull, you play them for the sake of your child not for the sheer joy of sipping 300 pink plastic cups of pretend tea.

It sounds like you are struggling to find the good in your life. Could you be depressed? You and your sons deserve better than this, so think about speaking to your GP if you are often this low. Ans make sure you are getting a break if you possibly can.