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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to confront this woman?

581 replies

justanuthermanicmumsday · 19/09/2013 01:33

for those of you who don't know I wear a face veil usually a patterned scarf to avoid sticking out so much lol. point is I expect the odd comments maybe groans as I work past in my honour of course.

But two times now this senior lady I'd say in her 60s or more unprovoked loudly made comments at me. The first time she said" why are you wearing that" I was walking past with my twin buggy to supermarket, I thght she was incredibly rude. Had she said excuse me and proceeded to ask me a question in a normal tone I wouldn't have been miffed. Still I kept my cool said religious reasons as I walked away. I didn't want a conversation I don't see why I should explain when she was so rude.

yet today I see her again shouting across the road at me this time." No need to wear that take it off". Today I would say she looked aggressive or perhaps it was my eyes deceiving me. My toddler was with me she looked distressed said" mummy whys that lady shouting". I said "she's prob ill like your gran never mind her."

Should I confront her if this happens again? I'm not an aggressive person quite a walkover and not much confidence but I think it can't be ignored its like harassment.

I dread to think ill pass her again if I pop out she's always on the same route as me, yet why should I dread her.

Granted she doesn't like my dress neither does my brother, I'm not harming her in anyway. one sibling said I shouldn't confront her in case she goes to the police. But that's insane what reason would she have to go to the police i would simply tell her to get off my case. How would she like it if I told her to change her dress for something more acceptable to me. She's not the fashion police or the law.

Please remember this is not a conversation on whether you approve of my dress rather this woman's behaviour

OP posts:

AdventureTed · 19/09/2013 15:09

WannBe - please give me evidence for each of your accusations.

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:10

If you follow the old dear around the corner she will probably be yelling at the school girls for wearing short skirts. She sounds like the archetypal old Scottish eccentric granny figure that every town seemed to have when I was a kid

I have never seen anyone with a face veil in Scotland. It's not necessary, but your face, your choice. When will your daughters choose if they wear one?

Beeyump · 19/09/2013 15:12

I hope you're not equating having reservations about facial veiling with 'promoting hate speech' wannaBe.

CairngormsClydesdale · 19/09/2013 15:14

WannaBe Are you actually saying that I don't have the right to be offended by the betrayal of feminism and that I should be complicit in the oppression of women because I myself do not wear a veil?

I am offended.

I am offended by each and every one of you who allows your "sisters" to be oppressed. I am offended that you believe a message of oppression is OK and to be tolerated.

Signed,

Scottish, but not a wee granny

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:16

We all have the right to be offended. It is a genuine emotion (not the professional offended or outraged of the daily mail variety).

I really hate it when people deny you your feelings/emotions.

You might think that someone is wrong to be offended, but then that just means that you lack empathy.

wannaBe · 19/09/2013 15:25

why not read the thread, there's plenty of evidence on it, and yes, one poster did actually equate wearing the vale with wearing a t-shirt with a swastika on it or the C word.

Ultimately, this op came on here because she wears a vale and because she has been verbally abused for doing so, and she has essentially been told that by choosing to wear a vale she was asking for abuse - or at least shouldn't be surprised to have received verbal abuse.

Now let's imagine a poster comes here and says:

"I went out last night in a strapless dress which showed off my knickers. As I walked into the pub I was wolf whistled at by some bloke, and later on another one came up to me and started touching me up. I felt really intimidated." Now imagine posters coming on and saying "well, if you will dress like that then it's natural that people will be drawn to you and wish to touch you up, perhaps you'd like to explain why you choose to dress like that?" Would that be tolerated do you think?

The op here has been a victim of verbal abuse because of her choice of dress, in the same way the wearer of the short dress would be the victim of sexual abuse. It doesn't matter what one's feelings are on the dress code; you wouldn't tell someone in a short skirt they were asking for it even if you didn't believe that women shouldn't go out dressed like that, and anyone who did would be summarily called on it.

Yet somehow it is ok to blame the op of this thread for being a victim because people actually believe the old lady is right or justified. When actually, the op of this thread is no less of a victim than my hypothetical woman in a short dress. Just think on that.

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:31

It's a batty old Scottish granny, not the local chapter of the BNP (do we get them in Scotland?).

In Scotland people will feel the need to pass comment on you - clothes, hair, etc. It is part of the culture. People can't stop talking.

Yes, wearing a veil will get a comment. As will having your skirt too short, being a scruffy student or dying your hair and odd shade.

As a Scot, I would have thought the OP would be familiar with this. She really thought that wearing a veil would not be commented on?

MaidOfStars · 19/09/2013 15:32

I don't think being offended is a genuine emotion. I view it as a rather lazy way of shutting a conversation up. To quote Stephen Fry - "It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

If you are saying you are offended, there must be a reason. The reason is enough in itself, without claiming offence.

Cravey · 19/09/2013 15:34

Ignore her. It's that easy really. She has her views you have yours. It's life isn't it ?

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:34

Yes, that's what I mean. If you are offended, then that is your gut reaction to something.

I worked with someone who found farting completely offensive. She almost divorced her husband over it, such was the offence. I swear I didn't just make that up.

Beeyump · 19/09/2013 15:36

No way would I blame the OP for being a victim! She should not be yelled at in the street.
And I'm not offended by the facial veil. I am intimidated and unsettled, quite honestly.

MaidOfStars · 19/09/2013 15:37

nicename Did she never fart? Not even the type that slips out accidentally and wakes you up at night? :)

AdventureTed · 19/09/2013 15:43

Wannabe - you have not given any examples. Go and defame someone else.

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:44

I'm not sure that she never farted (is that possible?) and never witnessed any nocturnal activities.

It really wasn't me, honest. It was a colleague, really (I could name names). She was an odd fish and told us all about her fart phobia once. We were all a bit .

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/09/2013 15:45

Nicename, the OP said that she expected the odd comment and maybe groans regarding her choice to wear the veil. What she did not expect and what she should not have to accept is being verbally abused and having her children intimidated.

nicename · 19/09/2013 15:47

You obviously haven't lived in Scotland then. It's what people are like and if the OP seriously didn't foresee a batty old granny, then she is a bit naive.

Beeyump · 19/09/2013 15:49

It's what they are like in the west, nicename... wouldn't catch us in Edinburgh being so lippy

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/09/2013 15:49

justanuthermanicmumsday

Haven't read entire debate thread, but have you thought about taking a notebook and pen, and getting it out if she says anything again, just say you're making notes for a police complaint of harrassment, and ask her for her name and address?

MaidOfStars · 19/09/2013 15:53

OP, if you follow the advice above, please please please do a Mary Poppins first, and take out a floor lamp, a pot plant and a hat rack from somewhere about your "mysterious cloak of wonders", before getting around to the notepad. :)

nicename · 19/09/2013 16:00

Bee, they are auf-lee naice laydees in Edin-burru.

Note pad? Oh for goodness sake.

You go up to mad old granny. You say 'hullo there, didn't I go tae school wit your wee Annie? Mum says hello, by the way". Granny will realise you haven't got two heads and try to slip the bairns some Haribo.

Batty old grannies are relatively harmless and easy to disarm.

wannaBe · 19/09/2013 16:03

adventure I didn't defame anyone. YOu asked if I would say those things to someone's face and I said yes and asked the same of you regarding some of the anti vale comments on this thread. I didn't accuse you personally of anything; I addressed you because you had addressed me specifically iyswim.

Succubi · 19/09/2013 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 19/09/2013 16:06

Though I don't agree with the niquab (sp) or burkar, that lady was down right rude ad offensive. Next time she tells you, report her to the police

wannaBe · 19/09/2013 16:06

I recently recorded one of my neighbours who was screaming at me (I am looking into harassment as we speak, but long story), when I advised her that I was recording her she ran screaming into her house "she was recording!!!!!!!"

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2013 16:09

Nice have you seriously never seen a woman wearing a face veil? I'm totally shocked by that. and now I want to ask whereabouts you stay but obvs can't

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