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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one! I have a real wedding one of my very own!

143 replies

Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:10

So we are a very large extended family but all close and get on well and see each other differing amounts. But everyone is invited to any "big" event, iyswim.

My third cousin who is lovely is getting married to someone who I think has been married before but can't remember, but they are both older and established, and we (The Family) have been invited to a celebratory lunch and cakes at her mother's house. Very nice. But they will already have got married, we none of us know why and don't like to ask (probs money).

I asked the mother (second cousin) what they would like for a wedding gift and they want donations to their honeymoon.

Is this normal?

I sort of don't mind, it just seems a bit odd. And how much does one give?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/09/2013 15:12

No, it is not normal and a big old cheek. they can pay for their own Honeymoon.

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:15

OH DON'T SAY THAT

I don't want to think that

OP posts:
beachyhead · 18/09/2013 15:16

I've just been to one of those and it felt very odd writing out a cheque to someone I've known for 25 years.....

£50 I did, which is what I would have spent on a present from a list....

I'm not sure how cheeky it was, at this stage in life, they had all they needed, so it was termed for 'honeymoon or renovations'. At least I gave them what they wanted!

beachyhead · 18/09/2013 15:16

My friend bought them a bowl Grin

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:17

With them there is a phone number with an agency, you ring and pay. I don't know if they would know how much you had individually given.

OP posts:
CookieLady · 18/09/2013 15:17

Not normal but if money is tight I can understand why they asked for money to pay for their honeymoon. I'd give the same amount as you would spend on a present.

CrazyOldCatLady · 18/09/2013 15:17

I wouldn't find it rude at all; it's not traditional but it makes sense if they have everything already.

And it's not as if they put it on the invitation as if demanding something - you asked, you were told. Nothing wrong with that!

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:18

I don't mind giving money, it saves thinking of a pressie, it just seems a bit odd, especially as we aren't going to the wedding. Also, I wonder if it would have been mentioned if I hadn't asked. And if it wouldn't, what does that mean?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/09/2013 15:18

Sorry Hully I am in a bad mood today. Where are they going on Honeymoon? Bognor or the Bahamas?

CookieLady · 18/09/2013 15:18

In fact in some cultures money is the usual gift for a newly wed.

Tee2072 · 18/09/2013 15:19

Well, since you followed proper etiquette in asking the bride's mother what they would like, then it is perfectly okay that they told you what they would like is money for a honeymoon.

I'd give as much as I would normally spend on a gift.

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:20

I don't know Sparkling, it is all a mystery

Wish I could remember if the bloody groom had been married or not, can't remember if there are kids.

OP posts:
LoganMummy · 18/09/2013 15:21

If I wasnt at a wedding then I wouldn't give a gift.

And yes I find asking for money towards a honeymoon quite rude (sorry).

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 18/09/2013 15:21

We just got married and did this as we've been together 14 years and already have too much stuff. Nobody seemed to mind. Just give what you would have spent on a gift. We were happy with £10 or £20 - it's all added up and we're off on a walking holiday to Derbyshire on Saturday which we couldn't afford otherwise.

I don't know if it's 'normal' but for us it was far more practical. Lots of MNers are a bit sniffy about it though fuck 'em, I say.

EllesAngel · 18/09/2013 15:24

Presumably not in Hully's culture as she obviously isn't used to it.

Just give them the equivalent of what you would have spent on a present if you're going to give them something.

As an aside does anyone else have an image in their heads of Hully dancing around her living room singing "I've got a wedding thread to post on mn..."

Grin
Itsaboatjack · 18/09/2013 15:24

I wouldn't think it rude, but then I think I'm probably quite laid back about these things compared to a lot of mners. I'd give what I would have spent on a gift.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 18/09/2013 15:25

Ah, just missed that you weren't actually at the wedding. If there was nothing on the invitation they probably weren't expecting gifts but if you phoned up and asked, presumably you wanted to give them something anyway?

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:25

I haven't been t a wedding for a gazillion years, I'm out of the kulcher.

Ok, so just pay up then? Will do.

OP posts:
kim147 · 18/09/2013 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenStromba · 18/09/2013 15:26

I think if you're so far removed from them that you don't even know if either of them have kids and you aren't invited to the actual wedding then a card will do. If you really feel like you need to give them a present then just turn up on the day with a bottle of wine.

Original poster
Hullygully · 18/09/2013 15:26

I am happy, I just wanted to know if it was the norm now

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 18/09/2013 15:27

The last wedding I went to was in 2003. They are all different now. Online invites with Paypal accounts and stuff.

Ifancyashandy · 18/09/2013 15:28

I hate this. If you can't afford a honeymoon, don't go or cut your cloth accordingly. I know it's becoming more popular - along with buying the couple an 'experience' for them to enjoy in said honeymoon location but I wouldn't dream of asking someone to contribute to my holiday for, say, my Christmas or birthday present and I fail to see the difference.

It just seems so calculating and ungracious.

Sparklingbrook · 18/09/2013 15:28

Give them a voucher for a night in a Travelodge. Wink

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 18/09/2013 15:28

I think since you asked what they wanted, and they then told you, it's not really rude?