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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
juneau · 18/09/2013 18:14

Really good advice from StuntGirl

sandiy · 18/09/2013 19:11

I'm a single parent of three primary aged children my child are bill for just before and after school care is a massive £200.00 a week that's 8-9 and 15.30-17.30. Even with a job earning £1000 pounds a month unless he pays virtually all the bills you will just suffer financially.Thats just the child are never mind that I think he is an arse who will Probobly make your life worse once his feet are under the table.You are soo young why settle. I can't believe that with one breath he thinks your wasted at home but wants you to be a childminder to earn extra money to make his life better.Really what do you gain from this relationship.Please tell me one thing that he brings to your family that will benefit you or the children.

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 19/09/2013 11:38

So we sat down and discussed it all last night. Full time childcare here for youngest 2 plus before and after school club for eldest totals £105 per day. That's way over what I could possibly earn per month living where we live. We can't move because of his job, he wants more dc and so do I and he's agreed to let me budget from his salary to ensure we can live on it until all the children are older. However, even with just my 3 all at school it's £60 per day for before/after school care so unless childminding is doable then it's not financially viable for me to work. He said he sees us as a family and wants to support us. He wanted me to fulfil my career potential but understands the kids are priority and career can wait. He does want more contact with his children but their mother is resistant as she has a new partner whom she is instilling in them is their daddy and has made it clear she will move if he tries to get more - something she can easily do as her partner is in the army.

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/09/2013 11:44

That sounds better. :)

However, what does it mean to budget from his salary?

And has he realised that he's costing you money right now?

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 19/09/2013 11:49

We will be moving into a different house as this one is expensive. We've worked out how much rent and bills will cost then what's left for saving and spending. His debts will be paid off by the time we move in then his credit rating will have the time I'm not working to recover so hopefully we can get a mortgage once I am. Yes he appreciates that I'm doing and paying for everything alone and that if we have dc i will mostly be doing it alone so he sees working and providing as his role.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 19/09/2013 11:54

How many DC do you have between you already?

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2013 12:03

I will no doubt be flamed to high heaven for this, but isn't 5 mouths to feed enough already? You are a family of 7. The world is crowded enough, surely?

boschy · 19/09/2013 12:05

Dairylea why are you uprooting your settled life for this man? if he loves you he will wait until YOU are happy to do all these things. You are only 26 - you dont have to have any more children for 10 years if you dont want to.

5 children between you already... isnt that enough, for now at least? they dont get any cheaper as they get any bigger you know.

I'm sorry, I still dont think its a good move. sounds to me like he's saying what you want to hear.

Bonsoir · 19/09/2013 12:06

Indeed, WilsonFrickett. And blended families are hard enough to manage without there being huge numbers of DC to contend with. The more DC, the more potential conflicts of interest.

difficultpickle · 19/09/2013 12:07

I wouldn't want to give up financial independence to live with someone as you have described him. And I definitely wouldn't want to be financially linked to him (which is likely if you are moving in together, sharing bills etc).

I really don't like the 'he sees working and providing as his role'. So you are going to be little wifey stuck at home raising his children? What about your career?Hmm

WilsonFrickett · 19/09/2013 12:10

I'm also Hmm at the 'he wants more contact but she is resistant line' but I'm a cynical old gimmer these days...

StuntGirl · 19/09/2013 12:21

Same wilson :(

mummytime · 19/09/2013 12:32

Also the line about her threatening to move as its "something she can easily do as her partner is in the army."
Well from my experience it is the army who moves you, not you asking to move. (Sometimes at short notice, or far more often than anyone wants.)

I hope it does all work out for you. But you are only 26! You do not have to rush anything.

Also do factor in how having more children can restrict you if childminding.

magicberry · 19/09/2013 12:39

YANBU. I don't think I'd move in with any man who "expects me to get a job immediately my degree is finished" with such young children. Couples discuss the options and support each other's choices. I don't think he really has your kids' interests at heart. Or yours, come to think of it.

Lweji · 19/09/2013 12:42

'he wants more contact but she is resistant line' but I'm a cynical old gimmer these days...

Yes to this.
My ex is likely to say it. Yet, he's the one who keeps missing contact.

Lweji · 19/09/2013 12:45

I'd see how it goes until April.

Personally, I'd insist on immediate contributions to expenses and see what his response to that is.

BasilBabyEater · 19/09/2013 12:59

Oh FGS.

This is a no-brainer and you know it OP.

This guy is looking forward to a cosy billet at your expense.

Sounds like a shit deal to me and no rational person should enter into a shit deal for no good reason.

What you've got works for you now. What he's proposing will work for him but not for you.

You would be insane to go for this and you already know it - that's why you posted here.

cestlavielife · 19/09/2013 13:01

"mother is resistant" hmm unless you heard it from her directly take with pinch of salt....

105 per day or 60 per day for child care? for that you employ your own nanny or au pair. then no after school club needed.

your job career degree childminding - presumably your degree is child related eg teaching or something like nursing, but childminding self employed wont pay you any maternity leave if you have more children.

beware of taking on any kind of lease rental etc jointly with him.

DontmindifIdo · 19/09/2013 13:03

I hope you can make it work, but do keep in your mind, if he costs you a set amount, it's not your job to make up the difference or to lower the standard of living your DCs have in order to make ends meet. A man moving in with you should improve your life, not make it harder.

BasilBabyEater · 19/09/2013 13:04

This, exactly: "A man moving in with you should improve your life, not make it harder."

OctopusPete8 · 19/09/2013 15:05

Hmmm, no doesn't sound Ideal

I would sit down and have a chat, if he doesn't listen its maybe time to call time on the relationship.

expatinscotland · 19/09/2013 15:37

You sound desperate to hang onto this guy. How sad, you're only 26 and ready to get saddled down again. Also, as you are not married, you need to be very careful when entering into financial arrangements with this man as the law offers very, very little protection to unmarried partners during a split.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/09/2013 16:19

Wow OP he has apparently changed his views considerably from what he said originally.

It's up to you if you want to believe him, but he was very specific before about what you had to do - f/t job £1000 per month etc etc, so I would be rather disinclined to set much credence round his change of tune. Words are cheap, it's actions that count.

At the end of the day, you will do what you want to do and I suspect that is move in with this guy no matter what, because you both want to have a baby together to prove your love to each other.

You sound like a wonderful mother who has structured her life to best suit her DCs, so please stop and think as I can't see a single benefit to your existing DCs in moving in with him, but I guess they don't get a vote on this.

Xales · 19/09/2013 17:44

So who's name will the house and mortgage be in?

What happens if you split?

What happens if he dies with respect to you, your DC and mutual DC and his DC?

What happens if you die?

if we have dc i will mostly be doing it alone so he sees working and providing as his role he is really not going to compromise his career or time at all. It is very much your career if you intend to have one that will suffer from maternity, school runs, sick doing 100% of the household stuff, night wakenings etc.

Apart from having more DC I cannot see what you gain from moving in with a man who will work away Monday - Friday leaving you to cope with everything.

Jux · 19/09/2013 17:51

OP, I had dd when I was 41. You are 26 and well on the way to having your life nicely sorted according to your own, independent priorities.

If he can't wait a couple of years for your new career to be established then he's not worth having.