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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
echt · 18/09/2013 12:14

26 and 3 DCs. Please don't burden yourself with this person. That's the person that you, with 3DCs, are subsidising. FFS.

Apologies if I've missed DP's stellar attributes, but he'd have to have the cock from heaven to excuse this. Even then.Hmm

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2013 12:17

You asked for opinion and you've pretty much received a universal NO.

The more you post about him the worse he sounds, but you carry on defending him and seem to justify the moving in. You haven't posted one reason why it would be a good idea or what benefit you and your children would get from it (you know, like a loving, committed family situation).

Do your children actually like him? Cos from what you've said, they can't have seen much of him)

WaspInTheHouse · 18/09/2013 12:18

Choose a job that builds your career and is right for you

Remember this. Competition for jobs is fierce. The more experience you have in the job for your career the better.

You don't need his permission, nor agreement, to not move into your home. It's okay to set firm boundaries.

echt · 18/09/2013 12:23

Nanny0gg has it. Your OP damns him, and nothing you've posted later mitigates this.

Knob end. Bin.

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 18/09/2013 12:24

Yes they do like him a lot. He gets a lot of annual leave and has spent a lot of time with them.

OP posts:
namechangeforareasonablereason · 18/09/2013 12:25

why are you even thinking about doing this

EldritchCleavage · 18/09/2013 12:25

Maybe it would help you to list out (not necessarily on the thread) what this man is offering. By which I mean, concrete contributions to family life that he said said he will make.

I don't think financial contributions are the be all and end all. But generally in a loving relationship with long-term commitment, each person wants to give to the other and to feel that they are contributing in some valuable way to the whole enterprise. What is he saying he will give? Is it enough for you?

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 12:27

I do hope it's not teaching you're considering. As a teacher with 3+ children, I can thoroughly NOT recommend doing it full time, unless you want to, obviously!

It's not for him to decide what you should be doing with your education. I see so many red warning flags here, it's frightening.

Dahlen · 18/09/2013 12:29

If you worry that he's going to try to pressure you into this, turn the tables on him and tell him that he needs to make commitments to you as well as expecting you to do x, y, z.

I'd concentrate on his debt. Delay the discussion about moving in until he's cleared his debts. As he currently has no living expenses he should be able to do that quite quickly. He will actually take longer to do this if he's living with you because he will have to contribute half of your rent, council tax and utility bills.

It's hard for him to defend that position without letting it slip that it's because he intends you to subsidise him. And you would be subsidising him because it would be coming out of your earned money at that point, since you would lose your HB etc once he moves in.

echt · 18/09/2013 12:30

What Dahlen said. Good post.

echt · 18/09/2013 12:33

Oh, and that potential subsidising him would be on top the the subsidising of him that you're already doing now.

While he earns 38K.

DontmindifIdo · 18/09/2013 12:36

read this again: I think he sees that I have potential (I.e am intelligent) and sees me being at home with the kids as a bit of a waste/shame for me. and also read you said: He's suggested childminding - so it's a waste of your time to be at home with DCs, unless those DCs are someone elses? You could be great at developing children, just not your own, because that's a waste.

Still he's thinking of ways you can make up the shortfall caused by him moving in. Your life has to get harder with less time for your DCs (childminding meaning you have other DCs to spilt your time with even if you are at home), so he can live with you, but he doesn't have to give up anything in order to move in with you.

why does he need to move in anyway? You are seeing each other regularly and both have nice lives. if you can't "move forward" without compromises you don't want to make, what is wrong with staying as things are until you are ready to make those changes?

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 12:37

Does he (on his £38k) give you (a student) any money towards the food he's eating now?

Who does his washing?

He'd better be brilliant in the sack!

boschy · 18/09/2013 12:42

dairylea you are clearly intelligent and hardworking and love your children. you are only 26... dont saddle yourself with this IDIOT! (and I think that is putting it nicely; others have said worse).

YOU and the CHILDREN are the priorities here, not him thinking he can waltz in and change everything to suit himself.

as I said a few pages ago, PLEASE dont do this...

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 18/09/2013 12:43

So you want your DP to move in then support you.

If you don't want it, don't do it. As a main wage earner I wouldn't want to move in with someone who expected me to support them financially.

WilsonFrickett · 18/09/2013 12:44

He gets a lot of annual leave and has spent a lot of time with them.
But not his own children, just the children of the woman he wants more sex from.

He has never had to compromise because of children

DESPITE HAVING HIS OWN!

Sorry for caps. Do what you like, but please don't bring any more children in to the world for this cocklodger to ignore when it all goes tits up.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2013 12:46

Glad they like him.

However, you still haven't really responded to the overwhelming NO! that most (all?) posters have said...

You're going to do it, aren't you?

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 18/09/2013 12:56

No Nanny, like I said up thread - if the only way for him to move in is me to work full time then I'd rather he didn't and will tell him so. If he can't compromise or wait then so be it. Keema - precisely, I wouldn't want to either. His contact is court ordered so he can't spend more time with his own children than he already does.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 18/09/2013 12:57

OP hasn't responded to the general thrust of the thread at all.

Beastofburden · 18/09/2013 13:01

well, thats because everyone is saying LTB and she doesnt think thats fair. She is responding to the idea of making her priorities clear and standing her ground.

Thumbwitch · 18/09/2013 13:02

Dairylea - if you say he can't move in because you don't wish to work full time immediately on any old job, what do you think his response will be?

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 13:06

No, OP is being v selective about which bits she answers.

He can't move in unless you say he can-this is the last actual bit of power you have. What does he say when you tell that that if he moves in, your benefits will stop. Unless he gives you money then you will have to work full time which you are not prepared to do. Just say you are happy as you are or you are going to be losing out.

What does he reply when you say that is what's happening? Or don't you say that?

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld · 18/09/2013 13:09

if he is in hotels 4/5 nights a week, what is the actual point of him moving in except to make you and the children financially worse off and dependant on him

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 13:10

if he is in hotels 4/5 nights a week, what is the actual point of him moving in except to make you and the children financially worse off and dependant on him

WSS!!

WilsonFrickett · 18/09/2013 13:12

I think OP has probably got the point by now, to be fair... I don't think there's been one voice saying 'do it!' which must be an AIBU first.