Sleepovers - prioritising friends over family

[motheroflight]

I'm just feeling a bit upset and not sure if IABU. A few years ago, DCs stayed with their cousins at my sister's house for a couple of weeks due to unforseen circumstances. DCs played up a lot (had just been through some tough times, long backstory) but it became the longest fortnight of their lives due to the hostility to which they were subjected. It was made very clear that we were a liability and we were not wanted there. I even heard a phone message from sibling to GPs telling them that it was too much and we really needed to leave as they could not stand it any more. You would have thought that we had been there for years rather than a couple of weeks in August. it got to the point where we were excluded from their days out and not even offered drinks when they were all having them. We really had nowhere else suitable to go and felt extremely cheap. Even the youngest child became openly hostile and rude and condescending. DCs never behaved well, as I said, but nothing beyond the usual naughty excited occasionally hyper (in bed at a reasonable time and I would keep them out of the house as much as possible to avoid conflict with their cousins). Previously, the relationship had been good it has just about returned to being fine several years on but the wounds have not completely healed.

At the time, sister explained that they were terribly unsociable and the idea of house-guests never came naturally to them and was too much to bear.

Now, one of those children's friends is starting boarding school in the UK as parents live abroad and the girl (13) who was an old friend of one of the children (but haven't seen each other for ages and not exactly inseparable) has asked to spend every weekend at their house. My sister has readily and happily agreed to this even though a long round trip to the home counties is involved.

This is the AIBU bit - we go back a lot further than someone who is (at best) an old acquaintance - am I right to think that sister is rather out of order - she barely knows the parents and whilst I can see it as a good turn on her part, it is quite telling how enthusiastic she is about the whole idea and taking on this regular commitment when my DCs are not considered suitable for sleepovers, parties where their schoolfriends are invited round.

No rose coloured glasses here. None at all. Don't I wish.

Cravey

When yours and the op kids have lived through what my kids lived through then come back and quote me.>You don't know my life.

It's taken 4/5 pages for op to start suggesting all her children now have sn. I'm sorry but I'm very dubious when people drip feed in this manner almost to win the thread over when it takes an against approach.

Also it does matter what happened to the children in some aspects... I don't think op is being honest.

Her sister sounds like a good person , would a good person encourage her children to be hostile towards sn children. I don't think so.

Triggles you know, you're right I am glad to be ignorant of the impact.

I apologise for my insensitivity to OP and anyone with SN children posting here.

this all sounds like a very sad situation. I think you have to come to terms somehow with the fact that your sister's kids and yours aren't good friends. You can't make kids be friends - sure you can manipulate situations a bit, but you can't force friendships. As mother to a child with v mild SN, I realise it is painful to feel that your friend's kids are outgrowing your child but it's best to not to waste energy feeling bitter about it.

Is there no way you could build on on any playdate type situations to build up to a longer stay at another's house, initially with you supervising? or invite children to your house more?

I'm amazed at how some people can diagnose children as being NT by the words that the parent has typed on a computer. Maybe some of you should be looking at working for ATOS.

Yabu, your tolerance for your badly behaved kids might be better than the next persons. Also with so many people staying for weeks no wonder your sister felt and reacted the way she did.

What she does for her friends doesn't have anything to do with you. A 13 year old just over the weekends seems an entirely different situation to yours.

Triggles the difference is. I didn't put my life on an Internet forum. The op did. Also another huge difference is you are not moaning about your kids being excluded from someone's home etc. also maybe op shouldn't drip feed in future. Her kids are her responsibility and so is the kids behaviour. Special needs or not. The point is I'm pretty sure if your child behaved badly then you would do your best to rectify it ? Not sit stewing about your sister allowing someone to stay over, rather than your child.

My sister is an absolute godsend to others.

But a complete bitch to me. She's disregarded rules that we BOTH agreed on with my son, just to get at me.

Forget your sister, she treated your DC cruelly, to get to you.

If your kids are challenging, then you do have to take responsibility for that, in that you know it's a big ask. But still, there's no excuse for her being out and out mean.

She's probably trying to impress her friend, or blag an invite to wherever they are for a Freeby holiday. She doesn't need to impress you, only shame you into a subordinate role.

Distance yourself. Your kids are worth more.

One child has sn, fine but the other two? No diagnoses but 'behavioural issues outside the norm', there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your children, if it's all of them and there's no medical evidence to suggest otherwise then it's most likely your parenting. I say this because it seems like all their social problems stem from your social problems, you can't teach what you don't know so you need to educate yourself first.

Children need to be taught how to be likable to others, most won't figure it out for themselves. It's not just about consistent discipline but explaining to them how their behaviour effects others. Some kids may need a lot more attention but you have to keep on top of it. You can't just shrug bad/scary/anti social behaviour off with 'oh, they have problems...', the majority of kids would have behavioural problems if their parents let them behave badly, you have to find ways to deal with them and teach them to be nice to others because otherwise they will continue to be rejected.

Could you try look into some sort of family therapy or parenting classes?

Cravey Goodness, so people are not allowed to discuss something that upsets them on an internet forum? I'll alert MNHQ to shut down - after all, that'll pretty much take MN out, won't it, If that's not considered okay anymore? Oh, and she's not perfect either - is that an issue too? Gosh, that wipes out the rest of MN, doesn't it?

No you're right triggles in that respect. But in the same vein I am allowed to have my own views.

No diagnoses but 'behavioural issues outside the norm', there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your children, if it's all of them and there's no medical evidence to suggest otherwise then it's most likely your parenting.

Actually, children can go for years without an actual diagnosis and still have SNs. The OP has already stated that one child definitely has SNs, so saying it's most likely her parenting is not helpful. There are families, you know, that have more than one child with disabilities or SNs. It also is helpful to remember that whole "children learn from older siblings" thing - so if one child has SNs, the younger children can often pick up behaviour traits from them that can be difficult to get around and can often take longer to fix.

I think the OP is just struggling to come to terms with a less than ideal relationship with her sister and wishing that it was a more supportive and closer bond than it is. The other child staying for weekends has simply brought it to the forefront. As is often the case when children with disabilities are involved and parents already feel isolated, difficulties in family relationships can seem devastating and hurtful.

Cravey Of course you are. I just don't agree with them.

That's fair enough. World would be boring of we all agreed. Op I think you have to face facts though. You can't control who your sister has to stay. It might hurt your feelings but there's nothing you can do.

Yabu.

shouldistayorshouldagonooooooo - you are utterly vile.
AIBU is not always about boorish bunfights so don't try and force every thread in that direction.
There are people who object or disagree but don't adopt that kind of attitude.

zayta, your comment "all their social problems stem from your social problems, you can't teach what you don't know so you need to educate yourself first" might have been an attempt at being helpful but it is completely misguided. I am very sociable, have loads of friends in my own right and my children are brilliantly behaved in most places. Perhaps you don't know much about SNs but it can happen that owing to their SNs, they can suddenly switch to appalling behaviour in other environments. I never knew this when I accepted her kind offer to put us up. They had been fine in hotels, not so fine at foreign relatives houses but I put that down to problems adjusting to a different culture/not understanding the language. If I had known it at the time, I would have run for the hills. I have never accepted her offer for us to stay a night since that day. I probably never would.

We are not "estranged" as somebody wrote, we meet up and talk often. This is really more about my DC and their feeings.

I don't think I have drip fed on this thread. Maybe I was hesitant to mention their difficulties for fear or it becoming the dominant theme of this thread (which of course, it did immediately) whereas the real issue was beyond that.

I could have confined this to the SN board but (though it may be news to some), SN people are a part of society and I think that there are still are too many barriers in place which result in the isolation and rejection that parents of SN children know so well. There are many difficult conversations we need to have with those lucky enough to have escaped having such children, or these barriers will never be broken down, not even within families.

It sounds like the sister's comment about not being used to visitors was supposed to be a way of sparing your feelings. If she saw the behaviour of your child as unacceptable then at least she didn't come right out and say it. Your DC may have SN or it could be your parenting - no one on an Internet forum is going to know and presumably you have either had a dx or not. But I have a relative who brought their 7yo NT child to someone's house where she proceeded to kick off about everything and she is no longer welcome back in that house. Your sister has every right to decide who stays in her house.

And you can't actually change people's minds so you may only be able to get 'forced tolerance' from your family. Unfortunately you can't force someone to like your DC behaviour regardless of the reasons behind it.

Just realised that this incident was a few years ago - perhaps you need to get over this - it is pointless holding onto the resentment.

mof I'm not trying to turn this or every thread in to a bin fight

You have drip fed.
You did indeed turn this thread in to a thread about sn so it should have been out over there.

But from your last posts it seems as though you only did to high light sn needs/ relationship with others... getting stranger by the minute. actually thought you said you didn't want it to be about sn

But op, you were the one who made it about special needs. I for one don't care. My point was that ywu expecting your sister to put your kids up again. She doesn't want to. Because of the behaviour they displayed. And you did drip feed. Yu went from one sn child to all three over the course of your posting. Sorry but you did.

YABU. Your family was a nightmare in her house, she doesn't have to have you back. Who else she brings is irrelevant. Friends/family doesn't come into it. This friend is obviously easier/nicer to have in her home than you were.

I dont want to have to go through my reasons for not putting every single detail in my first post. In discussions online as well as in the course of conversations in RL, details are revealed gradually - my other two are not universally recognised as SN - their behavioural issues are just something that I know about as a mother. Not what I'd call drip feeding as there was some great advice at the start and once I mentioned the SNs, the direction of advice and feel of the thread changed completely. If I wanted advice restricted to the fact taht they have Sns I would have posted on SN to begin with. Am I meant to start all my posts with a disclaimer in the future. How about if all SNs parents wore sandwich boards advertising the fact in RL just for the benefit of people like you?

Thank you to all those offering useful advice on this thread. I'll check out now.