Sleepovers - prioritising friends over family

[motheroflight]

I'm just feeling a bit upset and not sure if IABU. A few years ago, DCs stayed with their cousins at my sister's house for a couple of weeks due to unforseen circumstances. DCs played up a lot (had just been through some tough times, long backstory) but it became the longest fortnight of their lives due to the hostility to which they were subjected. It was made very clear that we were a liability and we were not wanted there. I even heard a phone message from sibling to GPs telling them that it was too much and we really needed to leave as they could not stand it any more. You would have thought that we had been there for years rather than a couple of weeks in August. it got to the point where we were excluded from their days out and not even offered drinks when they were all having them. We really had nowhere else suitable to go and felt extremely cheap. Even the youngest child became openly hostile and rude and condescending. DCs never behaved well, as I said, but nothing beyond the usual naughty excited occasionally hyper (in bed at a reasonable time and I would keep them out of the house as much as possible to avoid conflict with their cousins). Previously, the relationship had been good it has just about returned to being fine several years on but the wounds have not completely healed.

At the time, sister explained that they were terribly unsociable and the idea of house-guests never came naturally to them and was too much to bear.

Now, one of those children's friends is starting boarding school in the UK as parents live abroad and the girl (13) who was an old friend of one of the children (but haven't seen each other for ages and not exactly inseparable) has asked to spend every weekend at their house. My sister has readily and happily agreed to this even though a long round trip to the home counties is involved.

This is the AIBU bit - we go back a lot further than someone who is (at best) an old acquaintance - am I right to think that sister is rather out of order - she barely knows the parents and whilst I can see it as a good turn on her part, it is quite telling how enthusiastic she is about the whole idea and taking on this regular commitment when my DCs are not considered suitable for sleepovers, parties where their schoolfriends are invited round.

Thanks Zzen, we are at that stage but school friendships inevitably end up one-sided as DC refuse to go to other people's houses and I don't push it knowing what could happen, based on past experiences such as described in my OP. I have tentatively suggested sleepovers at our house but she (rightfully) points out that we dont have enough room to accommodate 5 more people and in any case, I think she has mentally chosen where to draw a line on that one.

My dsis and I are like chalk and cheese, she is very strict I'm more laid back, her children are quite demanding whereas mine are low maintenance. I find it hugely stressful to have them stay here and I don't doubt she finds my visits there stressful too. We stick to two nights at most as by then the tolerance levels are stretched to the limit.
Funnily enough having the odd extra teenage friend has never been a chore because they tend to be out a lot and can entertain themselves.
My dc don't particularly get on with their cousins although there is never friction but because we don't visit more than once a year they don't have a close relationship.
I think you need to accept that you and dc aren't going to have the relationship you would have wanted and move on really.

You sound very self entitled op. you seem to think your kids needs should come before your sisters and that she should allow you to stay no matter what the behaviour of your children. Maybe instead of moaning about your sister you should be looking at ways of sorting out your kids so they learn to behave.

Why do you think your sister should have helped you socialise your kids? . And, no, sorry, kids do not normally become uncontrollable until the novelty wears off a new situation
It sounds as if your children have some pretty severe issues and you imagine other people can share the blame for not helping you deal with them. Even your sister who has her own children. Why do you feel that way?

What's you excuse for your NT kids?

Well, I personally doubt any are quite NT. They behave well in most places (SN one included). It does not come naturally by any means. Maybe, I was having a tough time and I relaxed the discipline more than I should have because I never wanted to add fuel to fire. perhaps it was unreasonable to do this while we were guests at their house.
I just despair of the way in which SN kids are not seen as valuable friends, more learning points for NT families or acts of charity (those are the nice ones who do not ignore them altogether). I wish mine were like the impeccably behaved friend who will be coming down at weekends and (most likely) be the perfect house guest and someone whom they welcome back.

Also my kids had plenty of experiences which were different and exciting. I could however control them.

Again op. just because your child has special needs it doesn't mean his / her cousins have to like them.

I wonder why all 3 of your dc refuse to go to other people's houses although as you say they were so excited to be staying at your sister's. Maybe the oldest at least could start going round to a friend's now and again. Do you think the oldest child would Play up if s/he went to a friend's house without the other siblings?

I'm baffled by this thread!

Your dsis took you all in for some weeks years ago. Your children were extremely badly behaved and you didn't do much about it.

Now you have a problem with her having a school friend to stay (years later) in her own home, and you also feel it's her responsibility to help socialise your children?

Have I got that right?

Do you really need to ask if you are being U???

I think she is just finding it all hard and would like some help.

Zzz I don't think she is finding it hard. I think she is going to go on and on until her sister caves to what she wants.

Well, we tried it a while back with the oldest and he apparently broke loads of toys and ate nothing, you get the idea. The other child never so much as invited him to a whole class party ever again. When the same child had played round at our house, DS1 had behaved impeccably. On a different occasion involving a different child, he apparently threw things at the family pet because he was afraid of it.

I think she is just finding it all hard and would like some help.

I don't find it hard to look after them at all - I find them easy to control, I just despair at the way thay are viewed as abnormal and horrible by others, particularly family.
That time was a low point in our life as a family and it coincided with having to stay at the house of a family member. Such a situation is unlikely to arise ever again. Yes, I agree that I always saw family as a source of refuge and it was something of a rude awakening.

I see . It is a bit unusual if they behave so well at home that they all cannot cope with going to a friend's place. I wonder what it is about the situation that causes so much unease. They don't all have SN to some degree? It is just the one ds?

I think they could do with socialising in a small group. My dd (12) goes to a church youth group once a week which is a lot of fun but church isn't everyone's thing. THey go out sometimes in the group - bowling etc which is I think a nice, reasonably safe way to get started going out. That might be a bit overwhelming for your oldest still. Does he do scouts, sport, DoE anything like that in a small , regular group?

Your children sound like a nightmare , surely even children with SN know that you don't go to other people's houses and break things and throw things at animals . You seriously need to get some help to get them under control ,perhaps you should ask your sister for some parenting advice .

Does ds1 have special needs? What about the other two?
And sorry for all the questions, but what exactly do you mean when you say your kids have never been socialised?

you can genuinely care about people but find it tough going having them live in your house. I feel this way about my brother, not that he does anything drastic when he stays but perhaps I am less tolerant of him than I would be of someone more distant - a ex-colleague or an old schoolfriend etc

Op, I feel for you.

My cousin really did appreciate playing with me and I don't think it was bad for me long term! What would have helped would be if an adult had played with us both. Instead, it was more a case of grown ups talking and me having to play with him on my own which was hard. And I would have found it annoying with any boy 4 years younger regardless of sn!

But I do understand why you feel hurt. You are slightly bu but your feelings are valid. Having your children "rejected" on ANY level is painful.

Well, personal, 1-1 friendships are the problem. They attend scouts and other small groups and thrive there. But they have never had close friends, best friends, groups of friends. The socialisation they have had (in spades) is a bit hands-off and impersonal.

Oh two of mine have autism but that's not the reason they aren't close to their cousins it's that they are very different and don't live close by. Funnily enough they are better behaved than their cousins who are all NT and if I'm honest dsis's constant disciplining of them stresses me out more than a lot of their misdemeanors would.
I think you have probably burned your bridges with dsis and to be fair two weeks of badly behaved children and an ineffective parent would probably have pushed most relationships to the limit really.
If your children need help to socialise then I'd suggest looking for links in their community and for the child with SN try clubs aimed at children with SN sometimes run by MENCAP or Barnardos.

Your putting rather a lot of thought to this.... Give over. It's done, dusted. Move on.

Sounds like your children don't behave well when you are not there. Other children will quickly drop friends, who break their toys or hurt the family pet.

Your sister just finds your children to be a bit of a nightmare. She might have given them the benefit of the doubt after the long stay but their current behavior has just cemented the idea that it was not a one off after a traumatic event. That in fact it is their usual behavior all the time.

Have you given the children an opportunity to receive some counseling?

Houseguests are like fish, however nice after 3 days they stink!