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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put a career over my dp

143 replies

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 19:48

I have been with dp for 4 years. We currently rent a house together. I am in my final year at university, so I am looking at graduate jobs. There is one company in particular that I really want to work for, but the only vacancy that I can apply for is in a city about 2 1/2hr train from where we live now. My dp is also in his final year, but is hoping to do a teacher training course afterwards, which means he would finish a year later than me. He wants to find a job in the area we live now.

Last night I told my dp about this job, saying I've not applied yet, but I really want to. He got annoyed by this, and starting saying things like 'I always knew you would do this', 'I wish you told me ages ago so I could have found somewhere else to live for this (academic) year' (I only found out a few days ago about the job, it was never my intention to move away!), and 'now I know where I stand'. He was saying how he would never do that to me i.e. put a job first. I have always been of the belief that you need to go where the jobs are, I can't just limit myself to a small area (it would be different if we had kids obviously, but we don't). As we will both be starting out in our careers, I feel they are equally important, so mine is just as important as his. Again, it would be different if he was the breadwinner, but he's not.

My dp has always said he would never want a long-distance relationship. I understand this, but I also feel that when you love each other and have spent 4 years together, that you would make it work for a few years until you can be together again. So basically he has barely said 2 words to me all day, and it's getting really awkward in the house. I don't actually know if we're still together or not. I keep meaning to say we need to talk about it, but as soon as I think about it I cry! So AIBU to want a good start to my career even if it means looking further afield, or was I wrong and should think more about dp?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 12/09/2013 19:51

I think you need to think about you Which one is best for you, long term.

Is your DP your 'ever after'?

RedHelenB · 12/09/2013 19:51

I would say, hard as it is, that if he cannot be supportive of you then time to part company. He presumably could apply to do his teacher training somewhere near to where you would work?

ILetHimKeep20Quid · 12/09/2013 19:53

Yanbu, apply and give it your best shot. You will regret it if you don't.

SoldAtAuction · 12/09/2013 19:55

Go for the job! If you are meant to be with your dp, you will find a way. Follow your goalsThanks

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 19:56

Are you saying you would want to make that commute everyday? Or that you would want to move out and live near where the job is and your partner stay where you are now?

MammaTJ · 12/09/2013 19:56

If you are prepared to do the travelling and you have no children yet, then it is a bit of a non issue!

If you are talking about moving nearer your job, then he has a point! It is not what he signed up for!

Having said that, my DP met me and had a child with me when I had a job in a shop, 9-5. Now, a few years on, we have 2 DC, I have returned to the career I love, as a care assistant, gained a qualification = to A levels and am off to uni next week, leaving him to look after the DC during the week, while I am away. Not at all what he signed up for, but very much for the benefit of the family!

littlewhitebag · 12/09/2013 19:56

When my DH and i were engaged i was in the year above him so finished my degree first. I got a job in a city a good hour and half away from the uni town and just rented a room in a flat. It worked out just fine. He had to work for his finals anyway and i had fun working and making new friends.
We married 18 months later and at that time he got a job in a different city. Soon after i got a job there too so i could stop commuting. These thing work out eventually.
You need to go where the jobs are and see what happens once your DP graduates.

AnnieLobeseder · 12/09/2013 19:57

I think it speaks volumes that his first thought was "how can you do this to me?" instead of "how can we make this work?". He's only thinking of himself, making this all about him and seems to expect that all long-term plans should centre around what he wants.

The two of you need to talk about this, you need to point out to him how "me centric" his response was.... perhaps you would have come around to his point of view if he'd discussed it with you like a rational adult. But he just stamped his feet and threw a tantrum.

You're not wrong to think about your career, but neither would it be wrong to think about your partner. The same goes for him. This is why grown ups have proper conversations and make compromises (not necessarily sacrifices, mind) which work out best for everyone in the long run.

If you two have mutually exclusive ideas about what you want at this point in time, I suppose it's better to find out now rather than later....

juneau · 12/09/2013 19:59

Sounds like a supportive guy Hmm

Apply and give it your best shot. You get one chance at starting your career and this is a very tough market, so I really don't think you can afford the luxury of putting your boyfriend and his preference of location at the top of your wish list. If your relationship is meant to be, you'll find a way for it to work. But TBH, his selfishness doesn't bode well.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 20:01

YANBU. I will tell you one of the things I have learnt in life: nobody, no matter how nice they are and no matter what the context, ever truly rewards a woman for making sacrifices without complaint. There is no cosmic reward for giving in to your DP in this. Life isn't like that.

Right now you are as free and unencumbered as you will probably ever be as an adult - if you compromise your options now, where does it end?

And frankly he's not even going about asking you in a very appealing way. Sulking and guilt-tripping you for thinking about applying for a job are not promising qualities in a mate.

Hopefully he will get over his sulk (could you help him find somewhere to live? That is going to be difficult for him part way into an academic year). It's easy to make those sorts of grand statements e.g. about long-term relationships when you're students and life is essentially simple (not easy, but simple). But the fact is lots of couples do this kind of thing, particularly early in their careers and pre-kids, and it really doesn't have to be the end of the world. In this economic climate, if you really like the company, I think you'd be mad not to go for it.

MaidOfStars · 12/09/2013 20:03

I turned down Harvard at the request of my then-boyfriend. I don't look back really - he is now my husband. But I will always wonder... As it was, I moved three hours away, but that didn't seem so bad after the prospect of a transatlantic relationship! Go for it.

lastnightiwenttomanderleyagain · 12/09/2013 20:03

I'm intrigued as to which subject he's planning on teaching...as someone married to a teacher we're tied to one place because teaching jobs in DH subject are so over subscribed it's ridiculous. I'm currently working in London but we live where we do because of him.

Juneau is spot on. It's a tough market out there and there are few times in life when your career can come first. I'd say go for it, else you'll always regret it after.

Can he not do a PGCE somwhere else?

livinginwonderland · 12/09/2013 20:05

I think it's understandable that some people don't want a long-distance relationship. It doesn't mean you don't love your partner, it's just not for everyone and every time I've attempted it, I've been miserable, and I wouldn't do it again unless I had an "end date" for the distance aspect in sight. As in, working abroad for x months, or a contract for a year in another city.

I would apply for the job and see what happens. You might not even get it, in which case this argument will be for nothing, but you'll always regret it if you don't try. Once you've (hopefully!) got the job, you can decide what happens with your DP and whether you have a future together.

Good luck! :)

hermioneweasley · 12/09/2013 20:05

Agree, at your age career first every time. He sounds like a spoiled child.

FamiliesShareGerms · 12/09/2013 20:07

Well, for one thing you might not get the job, but his reaction to the possibility is very telling.

YANBU to want to try to secure the best possible start to your career. At the end of the day, love doesn't put a roof over your head or food on the table, but a decent job does. I know lots of couples who have lived apart for some of their relationship because of work commitments (including me and DH) and they are some of the strongest partnerships amongst our friend's and family.

A distance relationship is not for everyone, but the fact that your DP wasn't prepared to been consider what might be the best for you means, IMHO, you both need to sit down and have The Talk about what you really want from each other.

LessMissAbs · 12/09/2013 20:07

This is the time of life when your career has to come first.

He doesn't sound that committed anyway if this sort of thing gets to him so much.

Original poster
WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 20:10

The plan (in my view) would be for me to move to the job (if I even got it!) and he stayed here, or wherever he wanted and we would visit each other at weekends. The job I am looking at involves doing a qualification which has lots of exams, so there would be some weekends where it would not be possible. I know it is not ideal, and not what he signed up for, but it is workable.

He was saying how I have done this to him without even discussing it first. Telling him last night was me trying to discuss it! I kept trying to emphasise that I've not even applied yet.

Kinky - sometimes I think he is, sometimes I have doubts. But now that I feel so close to losing him, I really don't want it to happen.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 20:11

Job

When I first qualified, I took a job a distance away from (the person who is now my H)

He understood. I did 2 years in that job where we saw each other most weekends and usually one night in the week. On occasion due to snow or summat, or social commitments it would be 2-3 weeks we didn't see each other (and this was before Skype etc)

We were both busy building our careers and our relationship survived it. Obviously, because at the end of that we went travelling together and then bought a house when we got back (having consolidated our careers enough to just walk back into employment)

Your P is being selfish

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 20:11

You're also right about the four years. After that length of time a relationship should have some solid foundations and be a resource for you both to draw strength from, it's not like you're pissing off in the middle of the six-month honeymoon and expecting him to like it or lump it.

waltzingmathilda · 12/09/2013 20:11

To be honest with you OP - as an employer, you are still a school child. You get a career when you have worked a for a few years, made your mark and got a professional reputation.

And for any woman who might be reading your earning power maxes until you are 30, so you choose to follow a career path or become reliant on a bloke.

Original poster
WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 20:12

That is why this is so worrying, because the possibility of me getting the job is slim anyway, I don't want to end up without him and without the job. I think in his opinion though, is that if I am considering this job now, I would consider others in the future.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 20:13

2.5 hours is not too bad either. We used to do weekends like that.

BackforGood · 12/09/2013 20:15

What Annie said. Surely, at the end of University, graduates would expect to start spreading across the country, to follow whatever career path they want to. I can't believe that he's made it all about 'him' rather than about thinking about how it could pan out if you both feel it's 'meant to be'.

musicmadness · 12/09/2013 20:16

Me and my Boyfriend live about 5 hours away from each other now, he doesn't graduate for another 2 years and there are no grad jobs in the same area as the university. I got offered a job that was basically too good to refuse, literally the only downside was the location.

I'll be honest, in most ways long distance sucks and quite a bit of my spare money (and his) goes on seeing each other on weekends. Skype helps a lot. When he graduates (assuming we are still together) there is going to have to be a big discussion on what happens, but for the moment we talked it out and decided that if we are supposed to be together then we can make this work.

I don't think I would have turned the job down either way TBH but when I mentioned it to him he told me I had to take it, it was such an interesting job spec and related really well to my degree, I wasn't likely to get a better offer (which was true), and that he would be really sad not to see me in person so often but we would find a way. That was pretty much the best reaction I could have hoped for :)

I think you should definitely apply, one year really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, if you really are a good match you will make it through. Besides, teacher training courses run all over the country. If he feels that strongly about not doing long distance, what is to stop him applying for a course where you will be and moving with you? I know he likes where you live now but if he really hates the idea of long distance what is to stop him making the sacrifice? He would still get to do the job he wants, and you could possibly plan to move back in several years time when you have established a career.

pensandpaperclips · 12/09/2013 20:17

You could always rent a place near the job, if you get it, and live with your DP at weekends.

That would be the ideal set-up for me actually. Would keep the relationship fresh...