Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To put a career over my dp

143 replies

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 19:48

I have been with dp for 4 years. We currently rent a house together. I am in my final year at university, so I am looking at graduate jobs. There is one company in particular that I really want to work for, but the only vacancy that I can apply for is in a city about 2 1/2hr train from where we live now. My dp is also in his final year, but is hoping to do a teacher training course afterwards, which means he would finish a year later than me. He wants to find a job in the area we live now.

Last night I told my dp about this job, saying I've not applied yet, but I really want to. He got annoyed by this, and starting saying things like 'I always knew you would do this', 'I wish you told me ages ago so I could have found somewhere else to live for this (academic) year' (I only found out a few days ago about the job, it was never my intention to move away!), and 'now I know where I stand'. He was saying how he would never do that to me i.e. put a job first. I have always been of the belief that you need to go where the jobs are, I can't just limit myself to a small area (it would be different if we had kids obviously, but we don't). As we will both be starting out in our careers, I feel they are equally important, so mine is just as important as his. Again, it would be different if he was the breadwinner, but he's not.

My dp has always said he would never want a long-distance relationship. I understand this, but I also feel that when you love each other and have spent 4 years together, that you would make it work for a few years until you can be together again. So basically he has barely said 2 words to me all day, and it's getting really awkward in the house. I don't actually know if we're still together or not. I keep meaning to say we need to talk about it, but as soon as I think about it I cry! So AIBU to want a good start to my career even if it means looking further afield, or was I wrong and should think more about dp?

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 20:30

Your last post kind of implies he might flounce out of sheer cussedness if you even apply for the thing. Or at least that he'll hold that possibility over you. It is not good for him to put you in that position, to put it mildly.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 20:32

music that one sounds like a keeper

arkestra · 12/09/2013 20:37

YANBU. It may just be that you want different things and this is when it gets flagged up. I had a Past Great Love where SO much was right. But I wanted to live in the middle of a city and they wanted to live in the country. Cue years of miserable compromise attempts.

Now we are both married to other people and life is very good. I am in London and happy. They are in the Australian Outback (yes, really) and happy. Don't give up on what is important to you.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 20:44

Actually, going back to just before Uni, a previous bf said he didn't think he could stay faithful if I went away and left him to his own devices

He did me a favour, because prior to that I had been in thrall to him

dumped

Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2013 20:46

The thing with long distance relationships is that both parties have to be really on board and really want it to work. It can be very stressful being in a LDR and the pressure can take it's toll.

Many years ago I had a boyfriend and we were happy and 3 years into our relationship I decided I wanted a proper career and applied to go to University in another City. He was brilliantly supportive and I moved away with the idea we would spend our weekends together and it would work. It started off ok but 6 months in the cracks started to show because the reality of it was that we seemed to be living 2 separate lives. Our weekends together felt very pressurised as we felt that we had to spend them together and so were turning down other offers, i.e neither of us felt like we could socialise with our other friends or he felt like he couldn't go and watch a football match etc. It was just too intense. We went from living separate lives during the week to then being in each other's pockets for 2 days at the weekend. I had obviously made new friends at University and wanted to get to know them and spend time with them but it wasn't an option as my weekends were pre-booked to see my boyfriend. Obviously I loved him and wanted to see him, but it just felt so unnatural having to segregate my life - it's hard to explain. Within a year of me moving away we had split up. We had actually started to resent each other a little bit if I'm honest.

Tat was a long time ago now and thankfully we had managed to stay friends after the break-up. We are both married now but still share the odd text or FB conversation to see how things are going in each others lives.

It is a very difficult situation and you just need to prepare for the reality that if you do move away then it may not be as straight forward as you hope it will be with your plans to 'spend the weekends together'. It can potentially be a lot more complicated than that.

I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with and it's one you can arrive at together x

justmyview · 12/09/2013 20:46

music - yes you've got a keeper there. Good luck

OP - long distance can be tricky, that's true. An ex BF of mine applied for a job abroad and rightly or wrongly, my take on it was that he wasn't seriously committed to our relationship. But that is different to someone being a few hours away. Put yourself in your BF's shoes - if he'd thought of applying for a job a few hours away, then would you have encouraged him? If so, then why shouldn't you receive the same courtesy in return? If you would have encouraged him to stay local, then it's only fair to do the same for your BF

Original poster

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 20:49

Well the job is in London (I didn't originally say it because I didn't want to give anything away to people who may know me), and he basically just doesn't want to live there. I have suggested we could live outside London and I could commute in, but he is very adamant that he wants to stay put. Therefore he won't consider doing teach training nearer to London.

I think I will apply anyway, it's just knowing that I won't have any support from him that is quite upsetting. We are tied into our housing contract for about 6 more months, so it's not really an option for either of us to move out now, but living together seems too awkward if we do split up. Arrrggh life is way too complicated!

OP posts:

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 12/09/2013 20:51

It's very worrying that he isn't prepared to consider your needs/wantss, it sounds like a great opportunity, please at least ally for it, you can always turn it own if you do get it.

Fwiw, my dh moved for his job when we graduated, it was only for two years but it was 6 hrs away, we made it work.

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 12/09/2013 20:51

Oh, ally = apply!

MrsGarlic · 12/09/2013 20:55

Could you not both live together midway? So he'd commute an hour and a quarter back to where you currently live, and you'd commute the same in the other direction.

I think he is being unreasonable. If you'd said nothing, got the job and then sprung it on him, he might have a point. But you've involved him in advance, presumably you were looking to have a conversation about how you could make it work, and he just threw his toys out of the pram.

Littlegreyauditor · 12/09/2013 20:55

Also, not to be indelicate, but he hasn't "signed up" to anything. You are not married, don't have kids, don't own a house together...

His reaction was that of a huffy wee boy who wants to keep you where he can see you. Maybe he'll grow up, maybe he won't but now is a good time to find out.

Apply for the job. If he threatens to dump you over that he wasn't worth your time. Proper adults make bigger compromises than he is being asked to consider all the time.

Original poster

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 20:56

justmyview - I definitely would have encouraged him. But we have very different work ethics. In my opinion you've got to do what you've got to do to get onto the career ladder. The job I am applying for involves training for a recognised, well respected qualification. Once I am qualified it would open up so many doors, and I will (hopefully) have a lot more freedom about where I could work. That would then allow me to following him wherever he needs to be.

OP posts:

MrsMongoose · 12/09/2013 20:57

How old are you? If you are of normal uni graduation age, pick the job. Boyfriends aren't permanent at 21. Sorry.

If he's worthy of you, living apart won't break you. And if it does split you up, he obviously wasn't worth it. 4 years isn't the be all and end all.

I'd you are both mature students it's probably different. I'll shut up.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 21:01

Rental contracts can usually be varied I think if everybody consents. I.e. if he gets a housemate instead and the landlord is happy with that.

But the London problem is a bit different, I can see. There isn't really any living "outside" and commuting in, it's so damn big that's what everybody already does.

The trouble is that if he's going to stick to this for life you are effectively debarring London from every employment search you do while you're with him. That may or may not be a problem for the career sector you have in mind. It's all very well for him to want to stay put if he can easily get teaching jobs locally (if he can't, of course, then he'll go through all these realisations himself a couple of years down the line and end up moving anyway!)

Original poster

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 21:01

We'll both be 24 in next next couple of months. Haha no need to shut up

OP posts:

BIWI · 12/09/2013 21:03

Your 'd'p clearly thinks that what he wants is more important than what you want. He wants to stay in the area where you are now, but isn't yet at the stage where he is applying for jobs or courses, presumably? Whereas you are.

He is obviously thinking that you will just fall in line with his plans.

Go for the job!

If he isn't prepared to consider what you want then he isn't really a partner for you. If he was, then he would be encouraging you and thinking about ways to make it work.

Job. Definitely not DP.

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 21:05

x-post. The more I hear about this guy and the more I hear about how you are proposing to trim your career choices around him way into the future, the less I like the whole thing.

BrokenSunglasses · 12/09/2013 21:09

So basically, he wants everything his own way and unless you want everything exactly the same as him in life, he's going to turn on the dramatic 'you don't love me as much as I love you' shit.

I'm generally someone who would put my DH first, but I wouldn't miss out on life's opportunities for someone that didn't want my life to be as good as it could possibly be.

It doesn't sound like your DP is bothered about what you want out of the rest of your life, he is only concerned about his own future.

Primrose123 · 12/09/2013 21:12

I would go for the job. If he is 'the one' it will work out somehow. I don't think you should be prepared to follow him anywhere either. Your career is equally important to his. Nobody should follow anybody, you may both have to compromise a little in the future though.

When DH and I were your age (wow that makes feel old!) I achieved much higher qualifications than he did. I didn't move away to work because I wanted to stay near him and my family. My career suffered as a result, and now I wish I had been much more adventurous.

DontmindifIdo · 12/09/2013 21:14

Short answer: Apply for the job.

Long answer - I've done the long distance thing and it's worked out (reader, I married him). I do know a lot of people for whom long distance didn't work, however, in every case, I think they were just together because they were together IYSWIM, and the distance just made them realise they didn't want to work at it because they didn't love each other that much. If your relationship has run it's natural course and you've outgrown each other, then long distance for a year will be the end of it. If you are both deeply in love, then it'll work. Just because you've been together for 4 years doesn't mean you are automatically a couple who'll make it to their Silver wedding anniversary.

If your DP had a job that had to be in only one location but you could do your job anywhere in the country, would you think it would be reasonable for you to pick the location? While there aren't teaching jobs everywhere, there are teaching jobs in London, Kent, Surrey, Bedfordshire, Sussex, Essex, Berkshire... you just need to be living somewhere that's a decent commute to central London, so once he's done his PGCE year you can be very flexible to fit round where he gets a job, so long as it's commutable. It's only his PGCE year that you'll have to be apart for, that's less than one year, that's really not a long time if you plan on spending the rest of your life together.

Basically, he thinks his is the career that matters, you should just get a job that fits round his that means you can pay a share of the bills and sod if it suits you or interests you. That's not loving behaviour.

Apply for the job. If you get it, he can decide if he loves you enough to make it work, if he doesn't love you that much, then sooner or later you'll split up even if you stay living there, so you won't have him or the job.

DontmindifIdo · 12/09/2013 21:21

Oh and OP, I know several couples who had split up when they had a rental contract, usually something can be worked out, landlords are used to this and often will be flexible, particularly in uni towns if it's easy for landlords to fill properties.

MamaMary · 12/09/2013 21:26

Go for the job.

He should be supporting you in it and it's very disappointing that he's not.

When/ if you have DC there may be times when you have to compromise on your career and put them first. But now is the time to put your career first.

Squitten · 12/09/2013 21:31

Apply for the job. If you don't get it, fine. If you DO get it (hopefully!) then I think you'll know what to do.

Personally, I don't think I would pass up a big career opportunity at your age for a man who I was not married/engaged/sprogging with. If he's gone in a year's time anyway, you will massively regret it.

I would also worry very much about his attitude to your development and opportunities

MadBusLady · 12/09/2013 21:35

What's a bit worrying to me is that you might well pass up future long-distance opportunities if this one doesn't work out because you don't want this horrible atmosphere round the house again That would be his sulk paying off.

QuintEssentialist · 12/09/2013 21:36

Apply.

Now he has shown you his cards, who he is. Your relationship, where you live, what jobs you have, will all be on HIS terms. If he does not get his way, he sulks. You cannot even raise important issues with him, without getting emotional black mail or attitude.

Whether you get this particular job or not, do you really want a partner like this?

Is this an equal relationship? Does he love you, care about you?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6