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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put a career over my dp

143 replies

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 19:48

I have been with dp for 4 years. We currently rent a house together. I am in my final year at university, so I am looking at graduate jobs. There is one company in particular that I really want to work for, but the only vacancy that I can apply for is in a city about 2 1/2hr train from where we live now. My dp is also in his final year, but is hoping to do a teacher training course afterwards, which means he would finish a year later than me. He wants to find a job in the area we live now.

Last night I told my dp about this job, saying I've not applied yet, but I really want to. He got annoyed by this, and starting saying things like 'I always knew you would do this', 'I wish you told me ages ago so I could have found somewhere else to live for this (academic) year' (I only found out a few days ago about the job, it was never my intention to move away!), and 'now I know where I stand'. He was saying how he would never do that to me i.e. put a job first. I have always been of the belief that you need to go where the jobs are, I can't just limit myself to a small area (it would be different if we had kids obviously, but we don't). As we will both be starting out in our careers, I feel they are equally important, so mine is just as important as his. Again, it would be different if he was the breadwinner, but he's not.

My dp has always said he would never want a long-distance relationship. I understand this, but I also feel that when you love each other and have spent 4 years together, that you would make it work for a few years until you can be together again. So basically he has barely said 2 words to me all day, and it's getting really awkward in the house. I don't actually know if we're still together or not. I keep meaning to say we need to talk about it, but as soon as I think about it I cry! So AIBU to want a good start to my career even if it means looking further afield, or was I wrong and should think more about dp?

OP posts:

whatever5 · 14/09/2013 15:32

When he says that you should put your relationship before your career, he actually means that you should put HIM before your career. If your relationship is so important to him he wouldn't insist that it couldn't be long distance for a while.

I may be wrong as obviously I don't know you both but reading between the lines, it sounds as if he thinks that you're too good for him and that if you get a good career you might go off him. He may hope to restrict you and keep you in your place so that doesn't happen.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/09/2013 15:34

"it sounds as if he thinks that you're too good for him"

and it sounds as if he's right :)

Relaxedandhappyperson · 14/09/2013 15:36

Why can't he learn to drive immediately? Is there some physical barrier? Or is he just selfish about making you do everything for him in that too?

MadBusLady · 14/09/2013 15:52

So the relationship is more important, but you're the one who has to make the sacrifices to signify that, even if this particular job doesn't work out. Whether that's by moving to his studying town, forswearing London jobs forever, or living somewhere convenient for him and doing a long commute yourself.

This is some very entitled bullshit underpinned by chauvinist assumptions, it really is. The question is whether it's just him being a bit callow and immature and not really thinking things through, or whether he's actually like this in a deep-rooted way.

Musicaltheatremum · 14/09/2013 16:03

My husband had to go away for a year to work, to London in order to climb up the ladder in his Edinburgh firm. There was never any question of him not going. We knew this would be hard but we made it work. Loads of my medical friends have to move to get the jobs they want (or did have to, were all old and decrepit now) loads of long distance relationships. You have to take your chances when they are offered to you in this life especially in this economy. Go for it

Longdistance · 14/09/2013 18:25

Thumbwitch yes, we're moving back to the Uk happy as pig in shit

Op, APPLY FOR YOUR DREAM JOB, SOD THE BOYFRIEND.

Boyfriends come and go...ideal job opportunities DON'T!!

Thumbwitch · 15/09/2013 14:29

Oh Longdistance, I'm so happy for you! Hurrah! Hope things work out better there than they did here. :)

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 15:47

OP - do come back and let me know if you get the job! and if you bin the entitled one, or if he grows up and turns out to be a good egg afterall

LawofAverages · 15/09/2013 16:28

OP, just a couple of examples from my own life to show you how a DP's attitude to these kind of things can show you a lot more about their personality:

I had a boyfriend at uni (the "love of my life", or so I thought at the time). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do career-wise after uni so mentioned to him that I was thinking of taking a gap year and doing some volunteer work abroad. He immediately responded that if I went traveling without him then that was the end of our relationship. As I was so in love blinded I immediately thought to myself 'ok I mustn't go travelling as DP is so amazing and I'm so lucky to have him'. Turned out that 'D'P was actually a controlling arsehole who couldn't stand any success I had and just wanted me to fall in line with him and put his career first. Luckily we broke up not too long after (and I have since done better in my career than he has, so he would have just held me back).

Fast forward a few years and I was with a new boyfriend (my current DP) when an opportunity arose for me to work in Asia for 6 months, which would massively help my job prospects. I was nervous about mentioning the opportunity to my DP as I knew he wouldn't be keen to be separated on other sides of the world for so long and I was worried he would want to split. But when I told him he immediately encouraged me to go for it, said how well I'd done to be offered the job in the first place and said he couldn't wait to come and visit me and have naughty skype convos! He was so supportive, he gave me the confidence to go for it, the long distance was not ideal but totally workable and he still makes me happy and supports me now back in the UK.

Get rid of anyone who is not supportive of you and doesn't want the best for you! They are just selfish, will just drag you down and you will end up resenting them for it!

Original poster

WantAnotherCat · 15/09/2013 16:45

Yes I will definitely keep you updated, the comments from all of you have been great, thank you.

LawofAverages - your current dp sounds wonderful, I do think it is important that partners are supportive.

My dp is, I suppose, the love of my life. I do love him loads, and we have so many good times together. But as I think I said earlier, I am very realistic and I think things over too much a lot. There are things that he does, which I think to myself, I can't live with this for the rest of my life. I know everyone says to just 'get rid', but it's a hard thing to do, especially when I do still love him. Although really I know in the long run we are probably not going to be together forever.

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 15/09/2013 16:50

I would pick the job. No doubt in my mind. My work would always come before my partner. Having said this, I am single

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2013 16:58

Apply and see what happens.

If he loves you then he will be pleased and want to make it work. If not, well you won't have given up an opportunity for the wrong bloke.

StuntGirl · 15/09/2013 17:04

My partner is the love of my life too. I'd still live on the other side of the world from him if it meant it was best for our careers. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I'd do it.

Featherbag · 15/09/2013 17:06

Haven't read the whole thread, although I will when I have time, but wanted to share my experience. My DP was similar to you in that he was finishing uni a year ahead of me and was looking for jobs anywhere. He made no secret of this, even after I'd made it very clear that I wouldn't be leaving the area we lived in as I wasn't getting any younger and wanted marriage and a family, but wanted to bring my kids up around my large extended family. I issued no ultimatums, but when I realised I was wasting my time on the relationship as he fully intended to leave the area if a job required it, I broke up with him. I loved him, but after we'd been together 5 years (at that point) I felt I wanted more commitment from him, not less!

He decided being with me was more important than chasing a potentially mythical perfect job, and we've now been together 13 years, married for 3, with one DS and another on the way. We're very happy, but I wouldn't have held it against him had he decided to follow his career instead of settling down with me. It was one or the other though.

Kleinzeit · 15/09/2013 18:26

If you had said he was a wonderful person who makes you happy and you were one hundred per cent sure you wanted to be with him forever, then fine. But you only “suppose” he is the love of your life and you are already having thoughts about not being able to bear some things he does. I’m sure you do love him but he isn’t the love of your life. You could find yourself a better match (and a better man, by the sound of it!)

And I do understand it will be very hard for you to “get rid” of him now, after four years. But the hard fact is, longer you stay, the harder it will get. If you don't act then you really could be stuck with him for the rest of your life. Or years down the line you might decide you just can’t bear his actions any more and you do leave, think how many more opportunities you will have passed by – for what?

Apply for the job. From his reaction if you get it – missing you but positive and supportive, or else childish and resentful –you will be able to judge whether he’s a keeper.

DontmindifIdo · 15/09/2013 20:11

Sadly, if he will choose to hold you back, while he might be the love of your life, you're not the love of his - a man who loves you doesn't want to limit you.

Anyway, you don't need ot get rid straight away, or even if you get the job, if you get it, you then tell him you are moving to London for this all singing all dancing amaze-balls job, and he can decide if he wants to be with you or not. It might be him getting rid, you don't have to make the choice, you just put your career first and he'll either want you enough to make it work, or he won't.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/09/2013 14:13

I've just read your other thread. This man is not the love of your life. This man is a controlling abuser who has somehow convinced you that he is 'lovable' when he's actually a shit. The sooner you dump him, the better. Let him go and find someone else to 'worship the cock'.

Mumsyblouse · 16/09/2013 14:21

My husband is extremely supportive of my career and I wouldn't have it any other way, I am of his. This has meant living apart even now we have children, but neither of us wants to give up our careers and we are prepared to juggle/travel to be together. Your bf sounds very immature and insecure as everyone has said, why should his needs determine where you look for a job and not the other way around? I think you've found out something very important about him; he won't be supporting you to the hilt and thinks you come second. This is bad news and I would be thinking of moving on.

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