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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put a career over my dp

143 replies

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 19:48

I have been with dp for 4 years. We currently rent a house together. I am in my final year at university, so I am looking at graduate jobs. There is one company in particular that I really want to work for, but the only vacancy that I can apply for is in a city about 2 1/2hr train from where we live now. My dp is also in his final year, but is hoping to do a teacher training course afterwards, which means he would finish a year later than me. He wants to find a job in the area we live now.

Last night I told my dp about this job, saying I've not applied yet, but I really want to. He got annoyed by this, and starting saying things like 'I always knew you would do this', 'I wish you told me ages ago so I could have found somewhere else to live for this (academic) year' (I only found out a few days ago about the job, it was never my intention to move away!), and 'now I know where I stand'. He was saying how he would never do that to me i.e. put a job first. I have always been of the belief that you need to go where the jobs are, I can't just limit myself to a small area (it would be different if we had kids obviously, but we don't). As we will both be starting out in our careers, I feel they are equally important, so mine is just as important as his. Again, it would be different if he was the breadwinner, but he's not.

My dp has always said he would never want a long-distance relationship. I understand this, but I also feel that when you love each other and have spent 4 years together, that you would make it work for a few years until you can be together again. So basically he has barely said 2 words to me all day, and it's getting really awkward in the house. I don't actually know if we're still together or not. I keep meaning to say we need to talk about it, but as soon as I think about it I cry! So AIBU to want a good start to my career even if it means looking further afield, or was I wrong and should think more about dp?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 12/09/2013 21:39

Job absolutely.

I think his unsupportive response would have sealed it for me. He won't even discuss options about how to make it work? As things currently stand, as he wants to stay where he is and doesn't want a long distance relationship, you'll be very very limited in your future career if you want to stay with him. So he's already saying his future career is more important than yours. Be very wary of that.

I'd call his bluff.

caramelwaffle · 12/09/2013 21:42

Apply for the job.

Apply for all promotions in the future; pick and choose what will be best for you and any future children (if you plan them): he may not always be in your life.

Good luck.

Jinsei · 12/09/2013 21:51

The bottom line is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who supports your ambitions and encourages you to chase your dreams, or do you want to spend it with someone who clips your wings because he is worried about the impact that your plans will have on him? Because if he holds you back now, he'll be holding you back for the rest of your life.

I've been with my DH for 18 years. We've had periods in which we've had to do the long distance thing, and we both just accepted it. DH isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination. He can be a grumpy sod sometimes, and occasionally he irritates the hell out of me, but one of the things I value most about our relationship is that he has been so hugely supportive of everything that I've ever wanted to achieve, and he absolutely respects the fact that there are things I want to do in my life. He has always encouraged, always supported, and he believes in me more than I believe in myself. And crucially, he has offered this support even when it has meant making sacrifices himself, because he wants me to be happy and fulfilled. I hope I have done the same for him.

If you really want this job, then go for it. If he really cares about you, you'll both find a way of making it work. If he doesn't care enough to facilitate you chasing your dreams, well, there's your answer.

Original poster
WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 22:08

I've read some really nice things here, thank you. Some of you sound like you have found great men Smile

OP posts:
whois · 12/09/2013 22:11

If you love someone, you don't hold them back. Would it kill your relationship to love apart during the week? There is zero guarantee he will even be able to get a job in the local area when it comes to it.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/09/2013 22:42

Oh bin him and take the job. Honestly, there are lots of other men out there and you are only 24, why waste your time on this whinyarse?
The best way to be happy and make your life worth living is to make romantic relationships your lowest priority. If you find a nice partner, that's good, but if you don't, being single and having friends is much better than wearing yourself out trying to please an unsatisfactory man. There is no such thing as 'one true love' for everyone. Some people have several good, life-enhancing couple-relationships in the course of their lives, others are simply not interested in having such a thing. But women, in particular, still tend to believe the bullshit that their lives will be empty without One Special Man when their lives are actually a lot emptier and more miserable if they make The Man the focus of life.

raisah · 12/09/2013 22:46

Partners come and go but your education & career stays with you for life.

StuntGirl · 12/09/2013 23:12

Job, every time.

He's not even interested in discussing the possibility of how you would deal with this together as adults. Don't put him in before your career.

Technotropic · 12/09/2013 23:14

Strewth SGB talk about bright outlook Hmm

In fairness OP I think your partner is being a little selfish but you're both young and his inexperience/naivety may be showing. Most of us have the benefit of years of experience and it's easy to overlook how someone may be so fearful of losing the one they love they will want to keep hold of it without really being rational/supportive etc.

It sounds like you don't want to lose him either so is tricky.

As ever, the key is communication. If its possible have a sit down and a rational conversation. If you really want to stay together then he needs to know it. Perhaps he needs some reassurance that you're not jetting off and dumping him. If you cannot settle your differences then I guess you may have to go your separate ways.

What you're going through happens all the time with many relationships. I am lucky that both my partner and I have lived apart and are both happy to travel the world with work. However, we also have friends where this causes huge arguments because one wants to work miles away (or even abroad) and the other doesn't. The bonus for you is that you don't have kids yet.

The bottom line is that I will always discuss my career plans with my partner as working long distances away is a big decision and can put a strain on a relationship. Contrary to what some have said here, it's not always as simple as just going for it.

Having said that, you're young and it sounds like a great opportunity at the start of your career so YANBU to want to apply. Personally I would apply and decide after discussions with your partner. If you cannot resolve the issue then I think the decision will be more straightforward.

All the best!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2013 23:22

He doesn't do LD relationships.

He won't live in London.

He won't discuss things like a rational human.

Apply for the job and I will keep everything crossed.

cjel · 12/09/2013 23:24

You have to go for the job and whatever happens with that, make this the time you decide that you want a life as well as a partner. My ds and his partner had two degrees and a gap year in NZ apart and now are maarried with 3 dcs. If he really did love you he would be excited for you and be discussing the changes you would both have to make. When ds did it there wasn't all the communication technology to help either.
Don't let his sulking influence youxx

alpinemeadow · 13/09/2013 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 13/09/2013 06:37

www.mumsnet.com/session/logout?target=%2FTalk%2Fam_i_being_unreasonable%2F1572573-Stunned-by-DW-sorry-long

Your problem reminds me of this thread of mine.

Maybe I am a hypocrite But when I had just graduated I wouldn't have put anybody before my career.

Eastpoint · 13/09/2013 06:40

Apply for the job. You don't know what might happen with your relationship but you need to be intellectually & professionally fulfilled to be a happy person. Your career will feed & home you for about 44 years, I think that's when you'll be pensionable. Go for it.

Relaxedandhappyperson · 13/09/2013 06:49

He's not even being logical: he said he'd never put a job ahead of you/your relationship but by refusing to even contemplate ever applying for one out of the current area that is exactly what he is doing. So it's ok for him but not ok for you, is it...?

Definitely apply for the job. I hope you get it - or another even better - and you are really successful, with a supportive Other half if you want one (personally am single and it's great). Whether that's this one I guess only time will tell but he needs to do a bit of serious thinking before automatically assuming that everything that he wants is more important than everything that you want.

BIWI · 13/09/2013 08:08

BadLad - I hadn't seen that thread of yours. Did you resolve it satisfactorily?

PrimalLass · 13/09/2013 08:16

How old are you? If you are of normal uni graduation age, pick the job. Boyfriends aren't permanent at 21. Sorry.

Mine was. But he did move 400 miles away with me because I really had to be in London to start my career that I had done a vocational degree for. Still together after 18 years.

BadLad · 13/09/2013 08:57

Yes we did thank you. We are still in Japan

BIWI · 13/09/2013 08:58

That's good!

juneau · 13/09/2013 09:31

I'm glad you've decided to apply for the job. I remember being in a similar situation to you with my uni boyfriend. We were living in Edinburgh and he applied for a job in London, because it was all there was. I didn't try to stop him, but it was hard. We stayed together for another three years and eventually broke up after I moved down to London and got a job myself.

Life is long and complicated and you really can't put limitations on someone at 24. You say he 'signed up for' something different, but did you promise him that whatever happened you would never move away? I doubt it. You maybe never talked through this scenario. He may have, naively, thought it would never come up and you'd stay where you are forever and ever, the real world of jobs and careers and opportunities elsewhere never encroaching on your lives. But real life DOES encroach and the cold, hard realities of getting on the career and financial ladder can mean sacrifices in the name of longer term gain. What technotropic wrote is very pertinent:

In fairness OP I think your partner is being a little selfish but you're both young and his inexperience/naivety may be showing. Most of us have the benefit of years of experience and it's easy to overlook how someone may be so fearful of losing the one they love they will want to keep hold of it without really being rational/supportive etc.

WilsonFrickett · 13/09/2013 09:39

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Your boyfriend is telling you his wants come first.
Your boyfriend is telling you his career comes first.
Your boyfriend is telling you if you try and think outside the parameters he has set he will flounce about with a petted lip for days on end.

If you're prepared to live the rest of your life like this, don't apply for the job.

But you're not, are you?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/09/2013 09:54

So many people do long distance relationship at some point.
I was married and my OH got a job within the company based 3 1/2 hours away.
He did it for a year. We had a young child but we made it work.
You just do.
Listen to what everyone is saying.
You have to go for the job.
Your BF sounds like a selfish arse TBH.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/09/2013 09:54

I remember your original thread Badlad. Glad to hear you are still in Japan. I take it your wife is also there! Smile

BadLad · 13/09/2013 09:58

Thank you QS

Yes, we are both here.

MrsDibble · 13/09/2013 10:03

YANBU.

You need to think about your career.

Women are always being made to feel guilty about things like this, but men never seem to think twice.

You cannot be tied down at this stage of your life before you even have kids!