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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put a career over my dp

143 replies

WantAnotherCat · 12/09/2013 19:48

I have been with dp for 4 years. We currently rent a house together. I am in my final year at university, so I am looking at graduate jobs. There is one company in particular that I really want to work for, but the only vacancy that I can apply for is in a city about 2 1/2hr train from where we live now. My dp is also in his final year, but is hoping to do a teacher training course afterwards, which means he would finish a year later than me. He wants to find a job in the area we live now.

Last night I told my dp about this job, saying I've not applied yet, but I really want to. He got annoyed by this, and starting saying things like 'I always knew you would do this', 'I wish you told me ages ago so I could have found somewhere else to live for this (academic) year' (I only found out a few days ago about the job, it was never my intention to move away!), and 'now I know where I stand'. He was saying how he would never do that to me i.e. put a job first. I have always been of the belief that you need to go where the jobs are, I can't just limit myself to a small area (it would be different if we had kids obviously, but we don't). As we will both be starting out in our careers, I feel they are equally important, so mine is just as important as his. Again, it would be different if he was the breadwinner, but he's not.

My dp has always said he would never want a long-distance relationship. I understand this, but I also feel that when you love each other and have spent 4 years together, that you would make it work for a few years until you can be together again. So basically he has barely said 2 words to me all day, and it's getting really awkward in the house. I don't actually know if we're still together or not. I keep meaning to say we need to talk about it, but as soon as I think about it I cry! So AIBU to want a good start to my career even if it means looking further afield, or was I wrong and should think more about dp?

OP posts:

PedantMarina · 13/09/2013 23:04

"What he signed up for"?!?!? What have people signed up for? This is University - where ANYTHING can happen, and that's pretty much the point.

But that's a more general concept. What's important and specific to this is that he's saying things like "I always knew you'd do this to me" - what kind of faith is that to have in a relationship?

Go for it and even if you don't get the job, you're well shot of the non-man.

olgaga · 13/09/2013 23:08

Good advice: Never start or leave university in a relationship.

Four years? You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't get dragged down by needy men.

PedantMarina · 13/09/2013 23:14

When I talk to people (esp younger people) about what love really is, I compare/contrast the Ross&Rachel model with the Tim&Dawn model.

Ross & Rachel (Friends) were awash with pettiness and jealousy. Hell, I can't believe they didn't break up more, and they were fucking boring all the time they were either together or apart.

Tim & Dawn (The Office) took a while to get together, and they didn't until Dawn realised that what Tim wanted for her, was for her to be happy. He gave her that set of artist's paints and the "don't give up" message for Christmas, whilst her alleged fiance was planning out a life of her doing cleaning jobs.

What you and your DP have is not love. Well, not from his side, anyway, and I hope you're too intelligent to think that you loving him is all you need.

Logistics be damned - whether or not you get this particular job (and best of luck! Hope you do), LTB.

Tabby1963 · 13/09/2013 23:15

Crumbs, he's being a big selfish baby, isn't he?

My husband had to commute to a job hundreds of miles away weekly for years when he had been made redundant from a local job, staying in serviced rooms. It wasn't ideal particularly as the children were small at the time. Many couples and families live like this and manage to stay together and make it work, it takes commitment, and love and respect for each other.

My son's then girlfriend got a fab opportunity to work hundreds of miles away in a dream job and he encouraged her to go for it because he knew that she would regret not giving it a go. Sadly, their relationship did not work out long term, but that is always a possibility when you are young and starting out with studying and developing your career. It just wasn't meant to be at that time.

If he loved you and respected you he would encourage you to go for it, he is merely thinking about himself. Please think about all the hard work and effort you have already made to develop your career. If your relationship is strong, you will manage the long term relationship with your partner.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/09/2013 23:18

Does he have recent and relevant experience working with children? I think that is a prerequisite for acceptance onto a PGCE? (It was with the uni I was considering doing this with)

StuntGirl · 14/09/2013 00:57

Why on earth would you plan your career around him like this? Why would you waste a valuable year of experience being stuck in a crappy job when you could be out there, doing the job you love? Earning proper money? Getting relevant experience in your field?

There are ways to compromise on this. Why isn't he willing to look at those options?

juneau · 14/09/2013 09:14

We talked about it a bit this morning, everything is peachy again.

Because you've bowed to what HE wants! You've agreed to put your ambitions second to his, just in order to keep the peace.

I wish you luck with this relationship - seriously - he sounds like a controlling, selfish oaf. I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until I read your latest post, but he's an arse and you're letting him dictate your life. And, just for the record, neither of you has 'signed up for' anything at all yet. You're not married, you don't have kids, you don't own your home, there is absolutely nothing holding you together that can't be undone in a moment. Make the most of it!

DontmindifIdo · 14/09/2013 09:44

issues to think about:

I think he wants me to wait till he has done his pgce, and then we both decide where to look for jobs. - but if he doesn't like London, does that mean it's not going to be an option in Summer 2015 when you're both ready to look? That is going to be very limiting for you if you are looking for a graduate training scheme, most are based at least at the start in head offices, which are often London based. Don't agree to this now if it will imply London is off limits for you.

If you are also looking at doing additional professional qualifications after your degree, until you have passed them you aren't going to be earning great money, so if you wait an additional 9 months (or longer if you can't just walk into a job), that's the best part of another year before you are earning good money, as a woman who is already 24, you do need to maximise your "decent wage years" before having DCs.

My advice is still to apply. Although with an added, "don't bother discussing it with him again until you have a firm offer in hand." - there's no point arguing over something that might happen. And if you get a firm offer, take it - it will only be January 2015 to July 2015 you have to live apart, at that point he can decide if his hatrid of London is enough to stop him living with you, or could ask you to compromise on say a Home Counties location where you can commute in. Don't throw away a good career chance over 7 months apart (which is nothing really).

Longdistance · 14/09/2013 10:05

Noooooooooo, what are you doing?

Go apply for the graduates job in London, he is holding you back. You will really regret it, and resent him for it later on.

I gave up my dream job after nearly 15 years as dh wanted to move to Oz to persue his career after me being on maternity leave. I bitterly regret this decision as my dh has now been made redundant, and I cannot go back to my dream job. It's a terrible way to learn, as now I look at my dh and just seeth at him want to punch him in the face everytime the subject comes up.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 14/09/2013 10:11

Apply for the job. If you get it you can cross the bridge of practicalities.

nennypops · 14/09/2013 10:18

For goodness sake, the jobs market out there being what it is, you really can't pass up any chance of a decent job and start to your career. If you wait 9 months whilst doing a crap job in the meantime, prospective employers are going to wonder about that and may think you don't show commitment.

There are PGCE courses all over the country, but jobs aren't so easy to come by. Seems a bit of a no-brainer.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/09/2013 10:34

Apply for the job and any other job that offers you this much of an opportunity.

His reaction is very telling. He doesn't want the best for you, he just wants you to follow him around... is that what you want from your life?

whatever5 · 14/09/2013 11:31

He is being very selfish and he certainly seems to think that his career is more important than yours. If you have a good relationship it will certainly survive long distance for a year or two (not that a 2 and a half hour drive is really a long distance).

DH had a long distance relationship when we were your age and it really wasn't a problem. We have now been together for 22 years.

DontmindifIdo · 14/09/2013 11:48

BTW - if a couple has two full time careers, one as someone who works in teaching and the other in the corporate world, the one who's a teacher follows the one in the corporate role - let's face it, if he's any good, he will be able to get a job in any county (not automatically in the same town, but within an hours drive), or in fact, if he's prepared to work in international schools, anywhere in the world where there's an English speaking community!

Yours is the tricker career, so if you are truely a team, yours will be the need that's put first for location choices. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be he's scared of change, he's not thought that your career will take you elsewhere or that he would have to fact your career choices into his, but now he knows. Plan your career with what's best for you, confident in the knowledge that if he wants too once he's done his PGCE he could follow you anywhere with no negative concequences for his career, you can not say the same so you can't be the one who does the following.

Another thought, if you do get established in your career, is it possible in a few years (once you've completed additional training and professional qualifications) will you be hte higher earner between you? Teaching starts as a relatively high graduate wage but doesn't have the massive increases options that a lot of graduate careers do, by the time you are both 30 is it likely you'll have overtaken his earning potential by a considerable amount? If so, you will be the 'breadwinner' of your family, a lot of men don't react well to that, it might be partly 'clipping your wings' to stop that happening...

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 11:53

Don't give into him. Put your job first.

hotbot · 14/09/2013 12:14

Apply.......

He sounds a selfish twat.

MaBumble · 14/09/2013 12:21

Oh lord, honey - please apply for that job.
All his plans revolve around him, his time table.

What happens is this - you take that crappy job. Just for now.
Then he gets his graduate job, and you have to stay in that crappy job, just for now. As it makes more sense.
And then his career takes off, but you want kids. So even if you have moved on from crappy job, you have to give your up. To look after the kids support him . Just for now.
Then between your crappy job, career breaks, etc, you find yourself with no career, little money, no power, a DP who has no respect for you. Who you resent. But you'll put up with for now. As it makes more sense.

Ask me how I know this.

Kleinzeit · 14/09/2013 12:28

Partners sometimes have to make a few sacrifices in the short term for the long-term good of the relationship - and the people in the relationship. At this stage you both need to get your careers established and work needs to be a high priority – not the very highest, but near the top. He may not want a long distance relationship but (assuming you get the job) it wont be for long – if your new (potential) job works out he can look for work near you, or perhaps a new job will come up for you closer to him. And while he may be keen to work in a particular place, that shouldn’t be imposed on you, his preference will have to be balanced against everything else. He’s being pathetic.

If I were you I would think very hard about whether this relationship has a future. If he’s like this now, how much use is he going to be in a real crisis later on?

3boys3dogshelp · 14/09/2013 12:43

I have been on the other side of this situation and I'm ashamed to say I did sulk a little bit when my boyfriend announced he had got a job 4-5 hours drive from uni or 3 train rides away. I had 3 years of my course left and there were plenty of jobs in his area of work much closer.
He took the job and it was the right thing to do - great experience for him and plenty of studying time for me. We ended up being long distance for 4 years in total as I didn't choose a job near him either!! 13 years later we are still together and very happy. I think I would have lost respect for him if he pandered to me too much!

Original poster

WantAnotherCat · 14/09/2013 12:45

Oh yes I'm definitely going to apply for this job and see from there. It's a long process, so my chances are slim anyway, but I will give it my best shot.

I have told him that we both need to put our careers first for now, but he feels our relationship is more important. It's difficult for me to say to his face that our relationship isn't more important, because I don't want him to feel that I don't love him or value our relationship. I need to have another talk with him really. I've looked at other jobs (obviously I can't put all my eggs in one basket), and some are located near us, but involve different rotations, so will spend 6 months-1yr in different areas. I think he is a bit disillusioned if he thinks we will both find jobs here which involve no travel whatsoever.

It is also difficult because he cannot drive, and won't be able to afford to learn for a long time. Therefore he has to be near to his placement school, or within decent public transport to it, which means I will always be expected to do the longer drive if necessary.

MaBumble - I understand what you're saying, I'm sorry this is how it appears to have turned out for you. This is actually one of very few jobs I have found which is not a September start. So most likely I will have to apply for Sep 2015 graduate jobs anyway, and get a crappy job in between.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/09/2013 12:54

"I have told him that we both need to put our careers first for now, but he feels our relationship is more important."

No, he feels that your relationship should be more important to YOU.

If he really thought it was all that important he wouldn't be refusing to do long-distance for a couple of years, if that's what it took.

MaBumble · 14/09/2013 12:59

Wanted - OH, it wasn't me, I had kids, then went back & got my degree - now have a lovely DH (first one couldn't cope with a working wife, never mind one who wanted a career), No. It was my DB - who did this to his wife. My lovely SIL.

He recently confessed to an EA (a year after getting her to give up her job and move abroad), and is currently tying to get his marriage aback on track. With three sisters barely speaking to him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/09/2013 13:10

Great - I'm glad you are applying for it.

I also hope you have had your eyes opened a bit about him in general.

His reaction to this (as I said before) is very telling. He really does seem to think that the 'Little Woman' should be following the 'Big Man' around... and yes, he thinks you should put your relationship with him first, before what YOU want... It's all about HIM where he wants to study, where he wants to work, where he wants to live...

DontmindifIdo · 14/09/2013 13:21

not the most important issue, but if he needs good public transport links, London would be perfect for him, between DH and I, we've lived in various cities in the UK and Europe, I don't think any have been as well connected for public transport as London...

Thumbwitch · 14/09/2013 14:00

Longdistance - oh no re redundancy - does that mean you're getting to go back to the UK after all? I hope so, if that's the best option for you still.

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