to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

[Jellybeanz1]

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

OP, if your DH is in a low paid job, what if you went back to teaching and he became the carer?

If you sell the house now both DH and BIl will get 25% of proceeds, there could maybe be an adjustment for expenditure on renovation.

MIL would then have money in the bank that could either be used for care home fees or for respite care in your new house if you take her with you. It might well be reasonable for her to pay rent at your new house.

Whatever you do, remember that it needs to be best for the whole family emotionally, including your kids.

Good luck.

So you don't want "the burden of caring" now you're not going to gain as much financially as you thought?? MIL living longer than you thought is she??

Easy answer. Care home it is and kiss goodbye to the lot!

I think if anyone is able to judge MILS condition, its our OP who has dealt with it every day for three years. I do not think she is closing her eyes and ears at all not like some on this thread

I hope you don't have financial P.O.A OP. does she have money in savings? Get her a live in carer and move on if you feel that you would like to return to work. You actually don't get a say in whether she sells her house, because it is HERS. Does she have the mental capacity to decide if she wants to go to a care home or remain at home?

Does she have the mental capacity to decide whether or not her home is sold? Does she understand the implications of that?

I understand that caring for someone with dementia is bloody hard, but divvying up her assets before she's even dead is absolutely disgusting.

I totally agree Fairy that divvying up her assets before she's even dead is absolutely disgusting would be disgusting were not this sitation as it stands.

We had a similar thing in our family. Some very rich and well off children, who could not even invite their mother to their homes at xmas, bar ONE, all put her in a cheap home hundreds of miles away from them, to shave a few hundred quid off the bill.

They had their hands in pies before the lady had passed on, whilst she was languishing in this home. One or two of the siblings thought they were so so caring because they visited her twice a year for a few hours.

The estate she left was larger than average and none of them needed the money.

This situation is rather different. This OP isnt a vulcher picking over loot whilst someone lies dying. She has put her whole life on hold, rather naively, to care for this lady, and now the penny has dropped that she has been landed in, a rather shite situation. She is very right to wonder whats going on and what will the future hold.

P.s. wrt finances and care homes -

If she has over 23k she will be expected to fund the whole lot of any care home. If she has under this the LA will pay SOME towards it, leaving her with personal allowance of £23ish per week. Ss will pay an upper limit of roughly 525 per week (including her own contribution) so if her contribution is 400 per week, ss will pay the 125. If you chose a home that charges more than this, a third party will have to make up the difference. Many EMI (dementia) homes can charge up to 1000 per week, sometimes more. They will sometimes negotiate with ss though to get down to the 525 but not all so always check first.

In short, tbh if her dementia progesses and you are no longer able to care for her, there may well be no inheritance anyway. What's most important is her well being, not the money.

I don't doubt btw that you have cared well for MIL, and that you love her, but I think your hard work has clouded your judgement a little on this issue.

The only reason we are considering the money is I would like to move in a years time. In which case we would sell the house my dh and his brother would then take out their quarter. If she does come with us we would need to relocate some of her house money in our future shared property, if she doesn't it will all go to to a nursing home. If she needed hospitalisation it would be free but dementia you have to pay for, despite it being an illness. This is not about a will which I don't know about. It could go to a cats home but I think the Government would contest that as they would want to recover the nursing home fees.

Good god this thread has shown some of MN at its utter worst!!!

People are actually gleefully hoping that the money goes to the cats home when the OP gave up her career, sold her house to care for her MIL because her DH doesn't want the money to go on care fees. Now she wants to move for the sake of her DCs and be nearer her own mum but people are utterly fixated on this being all about the money!!

I am actually gobsmacked.

OP, YANBU. This clearly isn't all about the money for you. You sound like you actually care and you want to take your MIL with you, although I am not sure this is the best option, but you know the situation better than anyone, including your MILs own children. To me, this situation is the doing of your DH who refused to discuss it with you in the beginning, but from the looks of it expected you to give up everything to care for his mum whilst he swanned about doing exactly what he always has, not giving a shit what sacrifice you have made, for his mother.

Get him to have a frank discussion with BIL. If a suitable solution is not reached (and yes I do think you should get more given the giving up of your career, selling your home and uprooting your family, the wages you have lost over the years and the free full time and very demanding care that MIL has had) I would seek legal advice as this does seem a tricky situation.

ok, I got to page 6 so may have missed something, but anyway here is my take on it all -

1. You should have kept the London house and rented it out, not sure why you sold it?
2. A rent and/or bills should have been agreed with BIL before you both moved in.

1. As you have given up work to be her carer it would have made sense for a fair proper salary for her care to be worked out for you, the care would then have been your job, and the agreed rent could have been deducted from this leaving a sum to either be paid from the sale of the house when she dies, or the salary to be paid to you out of her own money now.

Then you wouldn't resent the job, as it would be a fairly paid one. No one would be taking advantage on anyone else, and the huge role you are playing in keeping your MIL with family and in her own home (which would only otherwise be achieved by a paid full time carer anyway) would be seen to be respected. That seems fair to me. Care home fees are about £600 a week. Not sure how much a full time carer is, DH's Grandma had them but I don't know what they cost. Hundreds a week certainly. If you are now keen to move, but happy to continue care, then surely her house should be sold and a new one bought jointly by you two and her ? I realise it might sound mercenary to be paid to care for a relative, but if you have given up work to do it, and she is financially secure enough to pay for care, then your DH and BIL should be compensating you for it.

Thank you those who have posted good common sense. I wish I had been more logical although I did wanted my dh to make the decisions as it was his mum ( it made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want him to have any regrets). Im not sure if I will be able to cope if she gets really bad anyway wiggles horror stories. We have a lot to discuss at the family gathering. I think I should be involved in the discussion as its my life although I will be guided by the brothers wishes I am using this as a time to rethink and put into place some considerations for me which were left out for the first 3 years..I think I lost a lot of my confidence when I stopped working.

Caring for someone with dementia is not an easy task and it only gets harder.

One thing, totally unconnected sorry op, if you are considering moving mil to a home please consider it carefully now. The reason homes can work for dementia patients is because they become institutionalised meaning the way of life becomes one they can cope with after a settling in period. However if you go too far down the line the patient is not able to or safe to go through that process. I know it sounds insane but they need a certain amount of erm... consciousness? ? To learn the new lifestyle. I work with a lady now whose lovely family fought to keep her in her home for as long as she was aware that it was her home iyswim? Sadly now she cannot go into a home, she could never acclimatise to it so has to have 24hr care in the home as her needs are now beyond her family. This costs £2000 pw. Everything she had has gone to pay for it whilst her family have to cover living costs. Once she passes away her home will go to cover the mortgage on it and her family will have absolutely nothing left.

It is horribly sad because the mess was born from good intentions. Anyway, like I say not your question but something to be aware of that doesn't get talked about.

Why do you have to sell your mother in laws home to move? Surely you would use the proceeds from your previous housse sale, the money you have saved from living rent free and mortgage the rest?

If she moves in with you, who gets to decide how much she has to hand over for her room in the house towards the purchase. Will you give the BIL a share in your property when she dies? Somehow i doubt it.

Caring for older family members is what a lot of adults do, sadly money seems to play a big part in that. Its hard work i dont doubt but i couldnt charge a close family member for care.

Good advice, viperslast.

I'm signing off now - those of you calling the OP vile and greedy, I suspect you'll think of this thread if you ever end up having to care for someone with dementia. Maybe you'll have a bit more empathy by then.

So if your mil wants to come and live with you when you move; she may only do this if she invests in your shared property?
So you're planning on getting your inheritance by stealth while she's still alive ?????

Mum of two young kids. I think I'm lovely thank you. I also care for a relative with dementia. I don't however spend my time worrying about who she is leaving her money too. I responded to the op first post, after all she did drip feed slightly. But I won't take back what I said. It's a hard job she's doing but if she doesn't want to do it then she needs to sort out other care. This isn't about compensation as the op nicely put it in her op. not in my mind anyway.

Dear god, I cant believe the bitchiness of some people on this thread.
OP please listen to the kind ones who are making helpful suggestions and not the others...
and I do hope you can find a solution and most importantly regain your confidence.

I am not arguing with your points hellymelly but have to say I have never known a family care situation, amongst my friends, where 'compensation' has ever been paid to the family member who 'cared'.

Of those whose families did care (rather than use a nursing home or live-in) two were DIL's and both approached it as they would have done if it were their own mother. Being 'taken advantage of' simply didn't enter into it - the son & DIL made the decision to look after Mum. End of.

So I find the concept of 'compensation', and being 'taken advantage of' by husbands and BILs' to be a little odd. It almost places the person outside the family unit?

I think a 50/50 share would be fairest.

The fact the OP and her DH lost money when they sold their house shouldn't effect the brothers inheritance.

Some of you lot are fucking horrible. You really are. I've been on mn for four years and this is the first time I've said anything like that. You're like a pack of fucking hyenas. You're the vile ones, not the OP.

If you give up a job/career to look after children then your marriage breaks up, that would be taken into consideration in the divorce settlement. I think it's perfectly understandable to want your sacrifice to be recognised in this instance.

Financially I think it may be difficult to untangle where you lose, where you gain and where others lose and gain. ie, living rent free versus loss of income.

It isn't unusual though for carers to get the short straw in wills in favour of other siblings who wouldn't even do a couple of weeks respite care to allow the carer to have a break. People are weird. Even if it is unfair, without an agreement in place the inheritance is what it is.

Could you negotiate with your DH's DB for him to cover 4 or 6 weeks a year respite care by doing it himself or paying for it?

Thank you Viperslast (I was not aware that you can leave it too late). We may have to talk to her social worker and doctor in reference to moving. It does worry me that she may not cope in a strange new house as she has lived in this one all her life. Happy mum She cannot afford to stay in her home if we move as she doesn't have any savings to pay for care. I don't like the idea of her being in there with only different carers coming in. I'd rather she was in a home but it will be the brothers decision. Im not going to have them have regrets down the line. If the house were sold the brothers would take out their 1/4 of the house left to them by their father. That is not enough for a suitable house as I have no job and dh is low paid. (we only made a little from the sale of our house most of it was on the mortgage). I find the idea of charging for care distasteful too, but in the real world caring costs money. I have lost money taking this life choice, and if I go on caring it will have financial implications for all my family. If it were just about money my partner and his bro could have taken their money out of the house 5 years ago and put her in a home when they got power of attorney. But they love her and know how much she love being in her house.

If there is a change on the cards then it is a good time to lay your cards on the table and talk through the different options. His brother might recognise that it's better to give you a bigger share than to pay for a care home.

However the move might disorient her in which case she may be too much to deal with and have to go to a care home anyway.

There are no easy choices here, jellybeaz. I don't envy you. Good luck.