to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

[Jellybeanz1]

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

You need to look at it from the perspective of how much the family is saving by you taking this on.

But you should have thought about all the implications before moving. But hindsight is a fabulous thing...

well that sounds like your solution. You get a f/t job, and your DH quits his low paid job and looks after his own mother.

I'm sorry you feel unappreciated by your DH. That sucks in any situation, but yours is particularly stark. If you wanted to post a new thread in Relationships then you'd get loads of support.

" It was my husband who originally wanted to care for her to protect his inheritance as he is low paid work."

So why didn't he??

I agree you should look for work & let your husband take over asap!!

And that he doesn't seem to appreciate you looking after his mum is bloody awful.

Her half would then pay for her nursing home if she comes with us then we are protecting that half of her money.

You mean you are protecting it for your dh and BIL, not for MIL.

Q - are you giving MIL the best care money can buy?

If not then she would be better off in a home and why shouldn't her assets be sold to pay for it?

Why have you done improvements on a house you don't own?

I looked after my demented MIL for nearly 7 yrs.

I didn't get anything left in her will & DP got the same as his siblings even though we looked after MIL for years.

It's just the way these things seem to work unfortunately IME.

Tell you what though, here's some & & .

I'd give you a big shiny medal as well if I could because I've been where you are & is not easy.

My understanding is also that there is no time limit for SS to look back for what they deem to be deprivation of assets.

I agree it's Wigglesrock about separating inheritance issues from your MIL care. My Mum was fairly independent a year ago. Now she is in a flat in a CH and essentially a ward of Social Services as she is found not to have Capacity and neither my Brother or I have the Health or Welfare POA, just the financial one. We're awaiting a Best Interests decision at her Case Conference next week to see if she stays there or comes home with Live in Carers.

My Brother and I don't speak anymore apart from minimal Mum related emails. Mum has told the SW I am evil, plotting against her and doesn't want me involved in her care. My Brother has told me he considers me only to have best interests at heart, said if it went to a case conference he will tell thm I am financially motivated, fired me and is reducing DH's hours.

If you told me this would happen a year ago I wouldn't have believed you. I've been told to try and arrange Mum's finances to cover 10 years by her Psychiatrist and SW.

We are an example of when things go badly wrong. Be very very careful of how you go forward from here, think about the future now before doing anything else. To give you an idea of the cost of a Live in Carer if that helps, my Brother had arranged one which was £77 a day, plus food. £100 a week to the agency, then up to £60 every two weeks travel costs.

You need to make your husband realise its not his inheritance it's his mothers life and to not let her go into a care home when that is the best thing for her is frankly awful. Yes it stinks that people have to pay for care but if that is what is needed to keep her safe and happy then that is what should be done. He certainly shouldn't expect you to give up everything to take on that task which unfortunately will only get harder over time.

Thanks Wanda your amazing and you didn't even vent and gripe on MN. Got to pick up dcs now 1hr round trip -##ing countryside.

YANBU and I am quite shocked at some comments. You have been far more selfless than many people would, helping care for MIL so she can stay at home. I suggest MIL needs to pay you for her care and for any work done on the house at sensible rates, taking into account the presumably rent free home you have, if the inheritance will eventually be split 50/50. I don't know why people object quite so much to a practical sensible discussion about what is going to happen after someone dies.

I get where you're coming from! You have put in all the effort and are right to think you should be compensated. Unfortunately there does seem to often be the case where one child ends up with the burden of care - my mother looked after her own mother but wasn't left a bean as she was female and it all went to her (twin) brother. She was very accepting of it as her upbringing had been the same.
Would it be possible to work out how much you have spent on the house and deduct that from the house sale proceeds before splitting the rest? And can I ask what did you think was going to happen when you took this on? - I would have been very reluctant to look after my MIL - even for a country house but having said that my DH looks after his mother who has been dying for about 20 years and she is the type that will leave it all to the Cat's Home!! We have come to terms with that and it doesn't affect how DH cares for her but then again she is his mother (NOT mine). All those who thinks OP is mean to be thinking this please marry my ds and look after me in my old age for nothing at all - I'm planning on being really difficult.

Go on everyone, pile in pile in . "Vile"? Seriously? How many vile people do you know who look after elderly, confused, incontinent relatives, and have given up their job and home in order to do so? The mistake she has made is asking this in AIBU, otherwise known as "Please Kick The Shit Out Of Me."

I don't think YABU OP. You have given up an awful lot to look after your MIL, and caring for someone with dementia is just about the hardest task in the world. I think you should be recognised for this.

Jaysus!

When I uprooted my kids to move to Norway to look after my own elderly parents (dad in wheelchair after a stroke and mum with levy body dementia) I was called a blooming saint, and this was for looking after MY OWN parents.

The mistake here is not thinking through the consequences prior to leaving (hey, neither did we and we are still frantically trying to clear up the mess we made of things by moving! The financial loss to our own immediate family has been tremendous )

AND expecting any financial reward.

No, it is never a good idea to move in with elderly parents, you may have a heart of gold, but in the cold light of day, nobody will thank you for it.

And why is this? Because nobody is going to recognize your good deed, and nobody is going to reward you, if it means giving up on something themselves.

Good and decent people give up a lot to help others. People who wont do the same, are equally as unlikely to recognize neither the financial benefit THEY have from it, nor grant any benefit to you for doing so.

At the end of the day, when the will is read out, no sibling is going to say "but hang on, sibling x has given up so much, lets allocate some more to them". They just arent. And why not? Because of greed and lack of empathy.

You can be sure as heck that the person who has NOT gone to live with elderly parents, is not going to be the person who will voluntarily give up on anything that is legally or rightfully theirs, even though it would be morally right to do so.

I find it very strange that in 7 pages there is still no mention of whether your MIL has a Will or not or whether your DH and BIL are just expecting to inherit her half of the house as next of kin.

You say you're disappointed that your DH said half would go to his brother, but your DH isn't the one who decides where MIL's estate goes. That's decided by a Will or by law. No one is depriving your dc of any inheritance. I'm shocked that you say your DH wanted to care for her to protect "his inheritance". There is no inheritance as your MIL is alive.

Looking after a person with dementia is a very difficult task and if you feel now you don't wish to continue whether for financial reasons or others, then you and your DH (and probably your BIL) need to discuss it.

I apologise, I agreed with vile.
However, the 1st post was very money oriented.
I'm still trying to understand who would pay for the care if the Op found a job locally.
I think she may have been very naive, not even discussing finances before the arrangement was made.

Hopefully,she will live to a ripe old age,thus no money for you to squabble over.no one forced you to do this,you had your eyes on the main chance

I think everyone is being a bit mean.

You sound like you are lonely and having a hard time looking after Mil etc.

I don't think you can question who gets what though. It's just the way it is, and it's never a good idea to get into an argument about inheritance.

Is the real issue that you are just unhappy with the situation you have ended up in

Really would advise you not to bring up the inheritance question with anyone though as it will never end well.

Your issue is with your dh, op. He's the one who decided protecting his inheritance to bridge the gap from his low paid job was the way to go - . So completely blatant about it

At the end of the day, when the will is read out, no sibling is going to say "but hang on, sibling x has given up so much, lets allocate some more to them". They just arent. And why not? Because of greed and lack of empathy.

My siblings did. My gm's estate was left equally to me and my siblings (she had no surviving dc) but my siblings offered to allocate more to me as I had done much more. I said I was fine with just having my equal share. So we divided the money equally. I appreciated the fact that they offered.

Maybe take out some life insurance in MIL (given that you're living their rent free at the moment, you probably have sufficient interest)

My father has moderate and worsening dementia, and I would not give up my home, career and life in order to look after him full time. We are currently deciding how best to proceed next. My sister can't do it either - however neither of us are not "decent and good". He is entirely beyond our skills. We are not the same as Japan and India in this country culturally - society has developed in a different way to the ones which have elderly people in the family home being looked after by the woman of the house.

The mistake was not talking about this upfront. Unfortunately in some sections of British society talking about death and money and wills are more or less taboo and not naice, and unfortunately the OP is reaping what her DH and his brother have sown by not doing so in advance.

OP you can't carry on like this. You're not a nurse. Have your MIL go into a suitable home and sell the house in order to pay for it. You only get one life. Live it.

As BIL and DH each own 1/4 and MIL 50%, any improvements to the house should be shared in proportion to ownership partners.

Friends wife refused to look after her mil although she was 86 when FIL died aged 91 and MIL was fit. She told us that she had done her bit looking after her DM while her sister did nothing. Her DH was an only child so she knew they would inherit everything and her MIL had only DH to rely on

I wouldn't have equated living rent free in someone's home to being financiallydependant on them, Fred?

Digerd why should it have been her duty to look after her MIL? Surely this was her DH's issue to sort out, not hers?

(Sorry, I am very down on men who expect their wives/partners to deal with their mothers, with little or no input from the men themselves. Look how many anti-MIL threads there are, this is partly thanks to lazy men not bothering to take much notice of their mothers, IME/O.)

digerd, what kind of "looking after" are we talking about here?