to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

[Jellybeanz1]

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

digerd have you ever looked after an elderly relative? its bloody hard work and I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to take that on alone. Make sure they are safe and looked after of course but not everyone can take on caring roles beyond that

Not to mention, the getting up five times a night because they are wandering around, the constant washing of e.g. sofa cushion covers because they have soiled themselves again (as well as the clothes obviously), the tears when they done so, the falls, the bumping into things they didn't see, the entire house shorting out when they decide they'd like to mow the lawn and they mow over the lead. Oh and my dad's current fave - shitting in the bath because he can't remember what it's for. He obviously associates it with some kind of bathroom activity.

That is what looking after someone with dementia entails. And given that some dementia sufferers are only in their early 70s, the prospect is that it will go on for years. To the posters who called the OP vile - shame on you all.

Hear hear Hester, well said.

OP - how much is MILs 50% of the house worth?

then divide that by half (dh's inheritance) - is it more than you'd have earnt in the last three years if you carried on working? will it still be more if you carry on for another 3years?

and beyond that does it feel 'worth' 3 years of your life?

you need to work out if 'how much is saved' of her money feels worth how much you're doing and for how long it would be worth it.

maybe that's what has hit home for you - that actually you're doing all of this for 25% of the value of the house that you thought was saving everyone a huge loss and having a big impact but actually the brothers don't seem that fussed.

if that 25% is huge and you're desperate not to lose it then carry on. if it's not and you're seeing it in a different light maybe it's time to sell up, the sons get their 25% outright share each and the 50% that is hers goes to care home costs.

incidentally my friends father lived for about 12years with alzheimers. he got it young and the doctor's even said it would be rapid but it wasn't.

Very good point Swallowed.

For my great grandma it was over 20 years. It can be a long drawn out process and you really do need to consider the long term not just the here and now.

Good advice, SAF.

Hester you made me laugh - not many know what its like to pull frozen false teeth out of the fridge or have to throw away your favourite cake tin coz MiL was shitting in it! The reason for the consideration about money is, if we move next year to consider what property we would need where we could still accommodate her. As down south (near my mum) the properties are more expensive than this area. If family meeting does not suggest any additional money, we probably couldn't carry on in new property as we didn't make a huge amount on our property a we sold when things we deep in recession. We couldn't manage without a downstairs for her to live in as she falls over,and room for ourselves to have some quiet in, especially for dc.

I understand where you are coming from op and refuse to believe half the posters calling you vile etc are being completely honest with themselves re considering their financial future.

Depending on how advanced your mil dementia is she may well not have capacity to change an existing will. And we're you contest it it is unlikely a judge would ward your DH more than he already has been left, because 50/50 is almost always seen as being "fair" in the eyes of the law. Even when in reality it is not.

Seriously Jelly if she is at that stage please consider a care home not just for her sake but for yours.

Should be left equally between her children

It should be equally left as long as her children are also treating her equally in these extreme circs.

op, you have done the care, you should be more of the £

I don't think it should be left equally to children if one child has gone above and beyond the usual parent child relationship.

Bollocks that 50/50 is fair.

Of course!

Jellybeanz1 I know I said earlier but you really need to think long term. Your mil is ill, she is falling down, is doubly incontinent, I don't see how a move will be any better for her than residential care. I've seen it with mine, it's heartbreaking, it so painful to hear someone who helped teach you to read, taught you how to say your prayers and cheat at cards call you a whore, that you're a thief, trying to hurt her, poison her etc.

Regardless of the money/will stuff I think you're closing your eyes and ears to the difficulties that the future may hold.

I think it should be 50/50 but brother should be paying for career to allow you breaks/to work.

Do you get a careers allowance? Not sure if that applies in these circumstances.

If you have given up work to care for your mil to protect both brothers inheritance then you should be reimbursed for that - by both of them and carers allowance if applicable. With nursing homes at £8/900 pw you have saved them a lot in 3 years.

However that should be yours and is a separate issue to the sale of the house which should follow the will set out by your mil. If she has had dementia for 5 years it can't be altered now anyway.

Personally I think this family meeting should exclude you and include your dh talking to bil about exactly what they are going to pay you as soon as the house is sold. It is wages not inheritance. If your bil refuses then I am not sure what happens but I would start by speaking to a solicitor. It is a shame it wasn't dealt with up front but that doesn't mean it is too late. Whilst it is an emotive situation morally you are totally right to ask for this.

Is it wrong that I'm hoping you don't get a bloody penny. This is a horrid, grasping, nasty post. The woman isn't even dead yet. Mind your own business wind your neck in and shut up.

It should be 50/50 between her children and if family decide to provide care rather than let the house be sold for car fees then they should all help out.

I hope my son doesnt settle for a low paid you expecting me to provide a decent inheritance and a DIL only providing care to gain money would be distasteful.

Surely given you have the cash from your own house sale, no rent /mortgage or childcare you have saved an enourmous amount. Seems greedy to then want more than a half share in the house. BIL may not have provided any care but neither has he lived rent free for years.

To the people who say the MIL's inheritance should be split 50-50 between the 2 brothers: she doesn't actually have to leave it to either of them. She might have a Will leaving it to a charity. OP keeps avoiding answering the question of whether a Will exists or not. Family members can help look after each other without needing an inheritance to persuade them.

Perhaps your MIL thinks well of your DB for carving out a career for himself and being independent, and doesn't want to deprive him of half his inheritance?

We have some gravediggers up the road from us. Similar situation - run down country house, ageing parents, they can't keep away. Son gives up his job to do their garden sorry become a landscaping contractor . Daughter gives up her job to, well, do nothing but hang around to ensure she doesn't lose out. Their lives are on hold until they inherit. Vile. Its horrible to watch from a distance.

Did anyone actually ask you to give up paid work and move in with your MIL OP, or did you just hope this would provide you with an automatic financial bonus on the woman's death.

Jan49, imagine if the 50% MIL owns is willed to the local cat shelter

Cravey you don't sound too nice yourself to be honest.

Looking after someone with Demntia is very similar to looking after a new born baby - at least as far as the hours, the washing and the endless mopping of bodily fluids are concerned.

The difference is that firstly this "baby" weighs over 10 stone and so may hurt you. You also can't comfort yourself with "this too will pass" as it won't! It will only get worse. There are no lovely cuddles and smiles. And the only "firsts" you get are negative ones:- first time granny forgets your name, first time granny hits you, first time smears poo on the wall, first time granny calls your child (who she adored) something horrible that makes them cry.