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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

260 replies

Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 12:55

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 12/09/2013 13:15

I don't understand why you don't work? Or the "nice teaching job" comment? As others have said what's your rent situation like? Who pays for the utility bills?

Jesus, this is your husband's mother who is ill - catch yourself on, show a bit of compassion.

OTTMummA · 12/09/2013 13:15

It doesn't sound like she went ahead to look after MIL out of the kindness of her heart though, she is quibbling over 'inheritnence' before the MIL has actually passed fgs.
If you are not happy i don't blame you!
But to be divvying up her assets in your head whilst she is still alive is distasteful.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 12/09/2013 13:15

Don't quite know what to say - if this is genuine, poor MIL! Sounds like you're just waiting for her to die so you can get your hands on her cash - and trying to dress this up as altruism. Not nice at all.

EastwickWitch · 12/09/2013 13:15

Hang on.
The Op is caring for her demented MIL, it's not an easy job. Money aside I think it's a caring thing to do & she shouldn't be described as vile.
Niave, maybe.

Ragusa · 12/09/2013 13:19

She's not caring for demented MIL, she's doing up the house if I understood correctly. The MIL is in a home, or did I misunderstand?

starfishmummy · 12/09/2013 13:21

Charming. I hope mil has left it all to the local cats home.

lainiekazan · 12/09/2013 13:21

My mil has dementia and fil is frail. None of their dcs wanted to care for them. In mil's case it would be a 24-hour responsibility, anyway. So they are in homes and their house has to be sold.

Had I the physical and mental strength to look after them and no other responsibilities, (dh and I) would have made sure that our efforts were compensated. That would be fair. And the same if either of dh's brothers/wives had stepped up the plate.

But the problem is with OP is that the potential inheritance seems to be large, they have already cashed in their house and are living free, and that no discussion has taken place with the brother about what is fair division of assets.

Assuming, of course, that mil dies soon. Dementia is not particularly life-limiting and sufferers can plod on for years.

Fishandjam · 12/09/2013 13:22

I think the abuse being directed at the OP is pretty nasty, actually. Have any of you ever cared for someone with dementia? It's gruelling, often unrewarding and physically unpleasant work. We don't know the backstory of why the OP decided to give up her job and care for someone who is not a blood relative. Maybe it was in the expectation of getting a share of her property, but maybe it wasn't. So could you all please extract your judgy pants from your arse cracks and ease up a bit?

OP, in my experience, getting angsty about how property is divided up on death, and who is more deserving of it, is a pointless exercise. (I dont think it's bad taste to be thinking about it before the person dies - it's just a factual thing for me.) If your MIL has a will then it may be out of both your and your DH's hands anyway, if she's made it a specific bequest.

EastwickWitch · 12/09/2013 13:23

Ragusa, sorry I misread.
She sold her London home, moved into MILs rent free, put MIL in home now wants more than 50% of the value..is that right?
Yup, vile.

Sirzy · 12/09/2013 13:23

Eastwick - its not an easy job BUT I don't think anyone is forcing her to do it and she seems to be doing it simply because she thought there would be financial gain from doing so rather than because she actually wants to help - now that may not be the case but that is how her post read.

My mum was full time carer for grandparents (her parents and her in laws) for close on 20 years in total between them all. She did it because she wanted to and at no point expected, or requested, any form of 'payment' after their death. Yes it is frustrating when other siblings aren't pulling their weight but that is a whole different argument.

heidihole · 12/09/2013 13:25

YANBU. Like fuck would I be looking after my mil like that. If DH wants to do it, fine. But sounds like its you who have ditched the career and made the sacrifices to do it.

BOF · 12/09/2013 13:25

I simply don't believe that other posters, if they were in this situation, would not at least secretly think it unfair that the do-nowt brother was up for half of everything.

This is a classic example of MNers making themselves appear like Mother Teresa on behalf of some unseen character in the drama, whilst actually using the occasion to be rude and dismissive to the person asking for advice.

Bowlersarm · 12/09/2013 13:25

That is a good point about living there rent free, if you do, that'll all tot up over the years.

Really though OP, I think you should be doing it because yiu want to rather than financial gain. If you do benefit financially then all well and good, but I wouldn't expect it i were you.

Whoknowswhocares · 12/09/2013 13:25

Hmm not just doing up the house either. She's had it valued too!
Not exactly the actions of a concerned DIL [ hmm]

That said, it would appear that both her DH and his brother are letting the OP take a very big share of the caring. Perhaps the core issue is more resentment at being left saddled with the lions share of the graft?

PoppadomPreach · 12/09/2013 13:27

I completely agree, BOF. Looking after someone with dementia cannot be fun at all, but that has been completely overlooked by many posters.

Fishandjam · 12/09/2013 13:27

Ah, I hadn't realised that the OP's MIL is now in a home and it's the fact that she and her DH are living there that have prevented it from being sold to cover nursing home fees.

I think in that case she's been hugely naive to think that she/DH would automatically be compensated. Not vile, but short-sighted, to give up her job and sell her own home in the hope of something which was not agreed or formalised at the time.

Bowlersarm · 12/09/2013 13:27

BOF you have a bit of a point there. MN is so sanctimonious at times. I think people forget that posters say on here things they wouldn't in RL- it's like an extension of thought, testing an idea or the waters, so to speak.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 12/09/2013 13:29

Where is the OP?

PoppadomPreach · 12/09/2013 13:29

For everyone saying she has been living rent free (which we don't know but let's assume that's the case) - do you not think that may be fair consideration for being of FT carer? I presume that OP is not being paid a salary.

FatPenguin · 12/09/2013 13:30

I'm confused - is your MIL living in her house with you or in a home? If you are living with her then it must be very difficult for you caring for her with dementia. However I don't think you deserve to be 'compensated' for this, what a horrible choice of words I hope you didn't say that to your OH.

SeaSickSal · 12/09/2013 13:31

You're being greedy and mercenary.

Fishandjam · 12/09/2013 13:32

Yes poppadom, we should only care for our infirm elderly relatives (giving up our jobs, family lives and financial security) because we want to.

I am a heartless bitch though, by the standards of posters on here - my Alzheimer's-ridden mother is in a home, because I had no desire whatsoever to care for her myself.

Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 13:32

This is a classic example of MNers making themselves appear like Mother Teresa on behalf of some unseen character in the drama, whilst actually using the occasion to be rude and dismissive to the person asking for advice

^ This.

Op I really feel for you, dementia is hard on everyone.

I think your mistake here has been to toil away selflessy for years and not had this conversation before.

I understand why you want what you want, I think you would have saved them a fortune in fees etc, and also surely peace of mind?

I do not trust care homes at all, and I would not want a relative in one especially not with dementia.

IF i was the other brother, I would want you to have a bit extra for having the strength and skills to care for my mother!

Op, life isn't fair.

I know of a couple who cared for elderly aunt, no dementia but physically disabled, they cared for her for four years, and they knew she nad her children had no home. she left millions to cats, and a very small lump sum to her own family.

In your situation I would simply accept the will/money or fact brother is getting half, and pull out, and start your career again.

You cant build your life on sand. You are the fool for giving up so much without concrete assurances first. on the other hand, perhaps you didnt realise your quality of life would dimish.

good luck.

lainiekazan · 12/09/2013 13:32

My mil was a nightmare before she went into a home. She was always a battleaxe but just imagine a confused battleaxe. She was ordered out of hospital, a cottage hospital, and her current home say they need a sense of humour to cope with her. So caring for a demented person is not just a little personal care for a sweet, dotty old lady.

And if someone is not your own mother, it's likely to be just graft: Changing nappies, washing, nighttime waking (dementia sufferers often lose the ability to distinguish night from day).

So I don't blame OP for thinking there has to be some pay back for this. But - hoping to get an entire country house may be a little too hopeful.

marriedinwhiteisback · 12/09/2013 13:32

Hmm. My MIL was widowed 5 years ago, lives 250 miles away, SILs on different continents. One didn't bother coming to her father's funeral but aCcepted an all X's paid trip with her three DC a year later. The one who made the funeral had MIL for a holiday once.

DH goes to see his mother once every three/four weeks to pay bills, make sure she and the house are OK.

DH and I have agreed that when the time comes we will do our best for our mothers (I'm an only child - he will do it on his own). What he agrees with his mother and sisters is entirely his affair and I am pretty sure there will be a three way split and if any money from MIL's estate goes into funding a care home, the SILs will vociferously object. I shall not get involved because I think something should have been said years ago.