to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

[Jellybeanz1]

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

Ok- past performance is no guarantee of future returns ....... you were terrible with money, You don't need to be in future. Just educate yourself. It's actually really simple. Call a nursing home. Find out what it would have cost your DH and DBIL to have MIL in a home. Use that as a starting point for the negotiations with DBIL (obviously your DH has to be onside). However, if he's not, you should tell him he needs to find another arrangement, cos there's nothing in it for you. Do not be a mug about this. Seriously.

Thank you Richman I think its time for a family meeting. I don't think many people realize how much cost is involved in care homes. We had to pay nearly £900 for my mum to go in for respite care whilst we went camping for our summer holiday.

jelly, I agree re care home fees and visiting carers. The home my mum is in costs over £3k a month. To have visiting carers in her own home (including overnight stays, which she needed) would have been £2k PER WEEK.

Definitely time to sit down and thrash this all out. With a !

No problem. Look, I know this shouldn't just come down to money , but at the same time, it's easy for your husband to agree a 50/50 split, having not made any sacrifice on his own part, other than a bit of a harder commute. If he was the one having random conversations about Nazi hedgehogs and changing tena pants, he'd probably have a different view on it. Personally, I feel BIL should already have broached the subject, and maybe it's one of those things he feels he shouldn't bring up until it's a done deal (i.e. when the will is read, he'll suggest a DOV in your favour) but I still think it's worth DH and DBIL having a chat now, so that the expectations are known.

Fishandjam and . I just wanted to get my argument into perspective. I've become a drudge.

Good point Wyken - I believe the time span is 7 years for giving someone the assets before it wouldn't be counted?

Just wrote a long post and lost the lot.

Sirzey I was going to say that there is no time scale with deprivation of assets. If the assets are transferred or used at a time when there is a reasonable expectation of the mil needing care then this could well be seen as deprivation of assets. The mil already has dementis so this would be a cause of concern.

Also the brothers can't use their power of attorney to spend the mils money and assets as they see fit. There are rules that need to be taken into account. One being that everything has to be done to protect the mils money and it has to be used to benefit her and not the wider family.

dementia not dementis.

Legally, there is an issue here, apart from anything else.

It depends on the MiL's will, if there is one.

Do you or your husband (or anyone else?) have Power of Attorney for her? This is usually set up by an elderly person before they lose capacity so that their assets are protected.

The person with Power of Attorney (it can be more than one person), is supposed to take financial (and other, including medical) decisions in the best interests of the person they have it on behalf of. It is overseen by the Office of Public Guardianship.

As your MiL has probably lost the capacity to make legal decisions because of her dementia, you need to get that sorted out before you speculate on shares of property or anything else. if you haven't got Power of Attorney you will probably need to take legal advice. I would contact the Office of Public Guardianship if you haven't done this already:

www.justice.gov.uk/about/opg

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview

www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=154

I think families don't thrash this out enough beforehand TBH

If ever MIL needed 1:1 care in her own home to prevent her having to go into care, I would be willing to do it/have her come live with us, but given that the other option is her DC finding a live-in carer, it would not be unreasonable for ME to be that paid carer and insist on financial recompense. It is hard work looking after an elderly person!

Perhaps the BIL should have been paying OP the going rate (well, his 50% of it) all along.

Perhaps BIL and DH could agree a monthly payment to you individually, to be deferred until they inherit. Get it in writing, with a start date.

The brothers have power of attorney and 1/4 share of house.

1/4 each

hang on- who gets the other half, or are there 4 brothers?????

When you gave up your job & moved in with MIL was there absolutely no discussion about money with BIL?
I'm wondering if you all presumed certain things but never vocalised them? Maybe MIL made some provision in her will in the event of her needing long term care.

The other half is MILs

Oh, I see. So your DH currently owns 1/4 of the house, and will inherit another 1/4 when MIL dies.

I did ask my husband before we moved but didn't get much of a reply it all seemed so distasteful in light of our urgency in discovering how bad she was and wanting to look after her. I just assumed (wrongly) that he would sort something out. I hope to raise my point next week with BIL who we haven't seen since before holidays (even though he is only 1/2 hour away.)

well i think to start with, you and DH need to be on the same side, and "take it" to BIL. If Dh doesn't get it, then you need to present the alternative, but no point in having a family conference where DH and BIl basically agree that you should continue to look after MIL in order to preserve their inheritance (to put it harshly)

As brother lived 200miles away and they don't talk that often (but are close, man thing)

I was snippy earlier - I'm sorry. But, you need to seperate the inheritance issue from the best way to care for your mil. The dementia is not going to get any easier. Even if an arrangement could be made financially is this really what you want?

My granny is in a nursing home - she has dementia. It's not forgetfulness or absent mindedness - she can be cruel, hurtful, so very hurtful, she refuses to wash, go to the toilet, brush her hair, eat sometimes. My father and I were her main carers, it was too hard for us. She needed professionals who knew what they were doing and weren't blinded by how much they loved her.

My granny is very old - like in her 100s - apart from dementia she's as fit as a fiddle. Please be careful, think of 10 years down the line. Focus on what's best for you and if that means her house needs to be used to fund her care then that will be the best option.

Yes Richman I feel I might be on my own in this. But then I could get lucky and get a job, then I would feel I have some power. Does it show that I feel unappreciated by my dh?

read what flika says. You are almost certainly far too late to make any arrangements about what happens to your MIL's half share of the house - if she's had dementia for five years, it's unlikely she'll have capacity to alter any will that exists. To the extent there is a will and it leaves everything to the cats home, or your BIL - you are not going to be able to change that now.
I'm not sure what you are trying to change - trying to get your BIL to hand over his quarter of a house he already owns? again, too late. Horse has gone / door is bolted.

Would it be such a disaster if the house was sold for nursing fees?

Inheritance is helpful, sure, & I know my dad would like my sibling & I to inherit his house.

But realistically, if he needs a care home, it'll have to go for fees.

If you get a job locally who will care for MIL? If she needs a Carer will BIL chip in?

Wiggles 100 years amazing MIL only 88 but has all those actions you describe apart from she like to east all the time. I had to get sugar substitute as I was scare she was going to make hereself diabetic the amount she was helping herself to from the kitchen It was my husband who originally wanted to care for her to protect his inheritance as he is low paid work. I originally suggested a care home as my mum had managed one, I knew they can be good. But I also knew he wouldn't allow it.