Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

260 replies

Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 12:55

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 12/09/2013 14:10

I don't understand the thing about you moving to a more expensive area and 'needing to know how much you can have' in order to do this. The brothers won't inherit until the MIL dies but you would need the funds immediately you move house with MIL in tow, surely? Or am I missing something? Is your DH is planning to use 'his share' of the house proceeds (by exercising power of attorney) to buy the new house, before your MIL dies??

Ragusa that's how it read to me too, but sincerely hope that that isn't the plan. The OP could get into all sorts of trouble that way.

CeliaLytton · 12/09/2013 14:11

If you want to move, you would have to do it on any money you have available. If however MIL would be better off coming with you, could you discuss with BIL the need for a bigger house for the meantime, so a greater share of the proceeds from the house as it is sold, with a legal arrangement that when MIL is no longer living with you, you will downsize appropriately and return his share? Or could the split be 45/45/10 to the two brothers and MIL, enabling MIL to effectively pay rent on any new property, bearing in mind you will have to have somewhere bigger than you world otherwise?

If BIL is only interested in financial gain he would rather that than all the inheritance used for care home fees.

Charlottehere · 12/09/2013 14:11

Yabu of course

CeliaLytton · 12/09/2013 14:13

Absolutely no legal knowledge at all BTW but just looking for a solution that would enable you to move and keep caring for your MIL.

VoiceOfRaisin · 12/09/2013 14:14

Caring for someone with advanced dementia is a big ask. Well done OP. You clearly have affection for your MIL as you call her "very nice".

I can see why you might want to move nearer your own mum and schools and so are thinking of the future. However, I think you should disregard any idea of an inheritance. I don't think it does anyone any good to plan their life around an expected inheritance - after all, it may never happen.

You should plan what is best for you and your MIL. It might well make sense for her to sell her house and use the money to fund a care home whilst you resume your career near your parents. I doubt 3 years out of p/t teaching will have harmed your prospects very much and presumably you multi-tasked with being home for your little ones.

When (?if) the money from the house sale runs out, the funding should be picked up by the government so you can relax.

I am sorry if you thought you were "earning" whilst caring for your MIL if nobody else saw it that way. That's tough but what you have done is a good thing and you can be proud of yourself. Sadly, I think YABU to expect a share of the house at all (let alone a "larger" share). Sorry. Maybe you need a break.

Original poster
Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 14:15

Both brothers own a quarter share of the house, something that was set up many years ago by their father. Their M now owns his share. So we could effectively take our share out if we sell up and move. (Whether she comes with us or goes into a home). Her half would then pay for her nursing home if she comes with us then we are protecting that half of her money.

OP posts:
SunshineMMum · 12/09/2013 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:16

Oh come on people! Yes, legally it's still MIL's money but she's a mentally incapacitated old lady. It's perfectly possible for the brothers to come to an informal agreement in respect of the property now, and that should reflect the unpaid care work that the OP has done and that she will have NO LEGAL benefit from which is why I'm telling her to get back to work now, and so should you.

CaptainUndercrackers · 12/09/2013 14:17

Quintessential - looking after an incontinent old lady with dementia is hardly 'living the country lifestyle'. It's not exactly a life people dream of is it?

Sirzy · 12/09/2013 14:18

Protecting it from what?

Your posts keep reading as if your more interested in keeping her out of a care home so her money isn't spent rather than doing what is best for her? Perhaps I am reading that wrong and I really hope I am but that is how it seems to me.

Often with late stage dementia being in a nursing home is the best thing for the person and their family because they are safe. You say you want to go back to work so who would look after your MIL then? It seems you have young children so again do you want that pressure as things get worse? Perhaps when you move you would be better focusing on finding the best possible care home in the area so she is safe and looked after and you can start to build your career again and focus on you a bit more.

Thymeout · 12/09/2013 14:18

GrrArgh - you've left out the small point of caring for his elderly mother for three years. Would BIL have given up his job to do it?

BarbarianMum · 12/09/2013 14:19

Oh I love the way the OP is supposed to love her MiL so, so much (far more in fact than her MiL's sons) that she should care for her 24/7 with no thought of her financial future. But of course, don't we all? Hmm

If in the future, should I require this level of care, I would be honoured if one of my sons should undertake it. And of course I would expect them/their family's to be financially recompensed, if that is the choice they made. In what way is that unfair?

What is abhorent is that people expect to inherit from their parents without helping them when they need it. Visiting on alternative Sundays and inviting them over at Christmas is one thing, looking after a dementia sufferer is another.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/09/2013 14:21

I think you need to be quite careful at this point Jelly and get sne good advice regarding Mother in Law's share. What if you buy a house using some of her money and her Dementia proceeds in a way that you are unable to cope with her at home eg. She becomes violent and needs an EMI unit.

If she or the rest of you can't fund the fees ( I was advised about 1k a week for EMI care) then I think SS will be asking questions about her share of the house and they may deem this to be deprivation of assets. Could be totally wrong but you have to be really really careful.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:22

Put it this way, if my Dsis looked after my DM for, say, 5 years. sparing me the worry and expense of a nursing home, I'd say "you have the house. You deserve it". I dont think I'm an especially nice person, so I dont understand why the OP's DBIL hasnt made the same gesture.

D0G · 12/09/2013 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 14:22

I haven't left it out, Thymeout. I am just pointing out that he might not see things the way she does. It sounds like everyone thinks the arrangement is voluntary (because it is) and presumably done out of kindness, duty, for personal reasons like not enjoying job anyway...We don't know. He might not appreciate that she wants him to pay for it. I'm just saying be very sure how you present this (this thread is surely a heads up for how poorly these things can go?).

Ragusa · 12/09/2013 14:23

I am totally confused now. So my final advice would be this: OP, get legal advice on the implications of all this - you need to know about your obligations under the POA, and the rules on deliberate deprivation of capital for care home fees.

CaptainUndercrackers · 12/09/2013 14:23

If in the future, should I require this level of care, I would be honoured if one of my sons should undertake it. And of course I would expect them/their family's to be financially recompensed, if that is the choice they made. In what way is that unfair?

^^ this.

Sirzy · 12/09/2013 14:25

Good point Wyken - I believe the time span is 7 years for giving someone the assets before it wouldn't be counted?

MrsCakesPremonition · 12/09/2013 14:25

OP - I think that you went into this situation thinking that you were doing the best for your family and that if you knew then what you know now (about the amount of help BIL would give etc.) you might have made a different decision.

I am very wary about ending up in your situation. DH, his brother and the brothers wife all work but I am a SAHM with young children. It would be very easy for them to simply expect me to pick up the slack and start caring for MIL should anything happen to her. But I am hoping to gain some independence and start working again sooner rather than later and I would not want to make a commitment to MIL which ruled out my being able to work - unless my role was properly defined and valued by the rest of the family. Otherwise I think they would take me for granted.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:27

grr i agree, and I'm always quite amazed in MN how polite and conflict-averse people are around their siblings. In our family this would have been thrashed out over a bottle of rose on Day 1, and I'm sure it would have been in this case if either the DH or the BIL were making any sort of personal sacrifice to make this situation come about, but as per fucking usual it's not them. It's unpaid, unskilled and crappy work by women that is preserving these guys' inheritance. Aggghhhh. FFS. When are we going to learn?

Original poster
Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 14:29

I must admit I have lots of mixed feelings about this and because I'm isolated up here in the house for 3 years away 200's miles from my old friends. This is why I put my confusion out to MN'ers for advice. I have always been terrible with money and will no doubt follow my husbands lead, as its his mum and his house. I do however think it is mad not to consider saving the vast amount of money care homes cost. The priority to care was something I did for my husband for his mum. But there comes a point when I may have made my dc lot worse as I had a well paid PT job and now I have none and may even have to rent.

OP posts:
GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 14:32

As someone pointed out, three years out of teaching isn't the end, you can catch up presumably.
This is obviously not working for you. Have you talked to them about the realities of selling up and getting f/t care for their mother?
This may well focus both of them into realising that (as someone put it below) you have been working to your detriment to preserve their inheritance.

Thymeout · 12/09/2013 14:32

Rich - I think part of the problem is people simply don't realise how long people with dementia can live. 5 years in my case.

There's a crisis, someone isn't coping, it's an emergency. A relative steps in, thinking it's short term, they can manage, put their lives on hold for a year or so. And then it turns into a much longer scenario with no end in sight.

Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 14:32

Op I agre with Richman.

Say you have had enough and want to go back to work. They will SHIT themselves when they realise how much care homes fees are or even staff to come in. They are taking massive advanagte of you.

£30 grand is a very conservative estimate, the home I worked in over a decade ago charged 500 a week for a basic crap room! ( they had an allocation of just under a pound for food per day).

In the worst case scenario, as your DH doesnt seem to appreciate your work either, what if he leaves you>

You will be out of job market and no one looking out for you.

Good on you for the penny dropping, no one will look after us in this life
( the irony) you must take care of yourself, start by saying, enough, i want my career back.

You are all holding on for a slice of pie, protecting it - but in the mean time you are laying your precious life on the altar of time.

Are you really saving anything?

is it so vital your DC get more inheritance?