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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

260 replies

Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 12:55

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 13:52

why did you sign up to it? Seriously? You have no skin in the game.

tell your dh and his bro to sort it out between them because there is no benefit to you of the current arrangement, and significant downside.

Editededition · 12/09/2013 13:54

This is really about whether people care for their elderly loved ones because of love and a sense of duty, or for financial reward, isn't it?

When the subject came up for discussion, did the OP and her DH decide they should give up their own home, move, and care for MIL because it seemed the caring, family thing to do and they were able to make those changes to support her ....or because they thought there would be financial gain at the end of it?
Obviously the DH thought it was the first option. Hence why he will be splitting an inheritance equally with his sibling.
If the OP thought it was the latter reason - then she should really have made it clear to her DH in the first place, and an agreement made before they moved in.

Equally - if an estate is being split between siblings why should it matter that one may already be financially more secure than another. The parent wanted each child to have the same share.

Wills are not about what people are entitled to, or think they ought to be. They are about the last wish of the person who made them.
It is dreadful to think those wishes might be over-ridden because the person concerned is no longer here to argue.

boschy · 12/09/2013 13:55

OP, I think you are a SAINT and I could not do what you are doing for my own mother, let alone MIL.

so, I would suggest DH and BIL take over the caring responsibility (either doing it themselves or paying for a 24 hour carer) and you lay down the responsibility.

as I understand it, you have not been able to work for 3 years, so DH and BIL should understand that you have had enough.

I dont think you are in the least bit mercenary or the other insults thrown your way on here.

Original poster
Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 13:55

Thanks Toxic yes I haven't discussed this in great detail with my dh before we moved, I trusted it's what he wanted. I like my Mil I've known her for over 20 years she's had demensia for 5 years. I should have said that I would like to move in a year to be nearer my mum and some good schools. This is why my husband had the place valued. We not sure whether to take her with us, sell up and put her in care (not really keen on that). As the area I would like to move to is expensive we need to consider whether we can get a house big enough to manage all of us which is why we need to know how much we can have. I felt since it was for her a larger share would seem fairer.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/09/2013 13:55

It's right there in the op, DeWe, in plain English.

Damnautocorrect · 12/09/2013 13:55

You can certainly and should claim from the estate for maintenance work you've done / had done (obviously you can't claim labour). Effectively it will be halved. But no sorry you shouldn't get more other than that, it was your choice, presumably so she receives a nicer better level of care. Not to protect your inheritance

Ilovemyrabbits · 12/09/2013 13:55

OP did provide some caring according to her OP so it does seem that she has had her hands full at some point. Is MIL actually in a home? She mentioned fees, but is that for the future rather than now? If MIL has dementia and is living in the house, why would they be selling it? Isn't change the worst thing for dementia sufferers? If MIL is in a home already, selling is presumably an option, but it seems fair BIL would get half.

The fact that the OP moved in 3 years ago means there is actually something to inherit, house-wise. That means even with 50% of the house proceeds, the OP has benefitted greatly from her choice 3 years ago to help her MIL. I appreciate that it may seem unfair the other brother is inheriting when he's done nowt, but welcome to the world. This happens whenever someone dies.

Rent free living for 3 years should offset the 7% gain they would have had from staying put. It will also be off-balanced by the general rise in the housing market and selling the big country pile as opposed to the small London house. The loss of career was a choice and we all make them. Stay at home with the kids? Lose your career progression. Take on caring responsibilities for a spouse or parent? Ditto. OP is clearly concerned about her career limitations, self imposed though they are to some degree. If it's teaching, agency work is always a good way in and can help to improve prospects and increase the chance of getting a good job. It's not like she worked in an environment that is unforgiving in this regard.

OP asked if she is being greedy and I have to say yes. And a bit presumptuous. She's entitled to think about MIL going and who gets what. It's natural to some degree. But it expecting more than a fair share is greedy and could divide a family for ever.

OhDearNigel · 12/09/2013 13:55

This is a classic example of MNers making themselves appear like Mother Teresa on behalf of some unseen character in the drama, whilst actually using the occasion to be rude and dismissive to the person asking for advice

^This. I'm sure there would be stacks of MNetters on this thread would be simply queuing up to give up their careers so they can look after various ILs for absolutely no benefit at all. Stacks of 'em

firesidechat · 12/09/2013 13:57

OP, do you or your husband have power of attorney for you mil?

Original poster
Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 13:57

Thanks Bocshy

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 13:58

Tbh, if this was, say, me and my sister, we'd be having a chat about what the will says and how it's actually going to happen......or if not, things might have to change, right now.

Original poster
Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 14:00

Both brothers have power of attorney. I have stayed out of any financial decisions but I'd need to think about what we can afford to do and make plans. I wish I'd said something at the start.

OP posts:
Ilovemyrabbits · 12/09/2013 14:03

Jelly aren't you going to be up on the deal though? Even with just half?

You have the proceeds from the sale of your own house and half of MIL's house. How is that not enough???

firesidechat · 12/09/2013 14:03

Well OhDearNigel I definitely wouldn't be able to look after either of my parents and fortunately they have no money or property, so nothing to tempt me there. My mum has always said that she will go into a home if the time comes and we all know that we would kill each other if we had to share a home. I love them, but I couldn't live with them.

I really think that the OP has come to this 3 years too late. This should all have been discussed before the OP and her husband sold up and moved in.

Kewcumber · 12/09/2013 14:05

Not that this is a helpful comment but the time to be clear about this was 3 years ago!

If you don;t want the situation to continue as it is, you need to be clear about what would be acceptable to you and fair to your DH's brother. Decide what the alternative is if you can't agree something - eg selling MILS's house using funds to pay her expenses/care home fees and anything (if anything) left over when she dies to be split equally.

I'm afraid you will probably have to suck up whatever you've lost out on financially over the last 3 years unless you can get BIL to be fair and offer you something as MIL is obviously not competent to make a decision.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:05

But jelly listen to me for a sec. You are the one losing out here. Caring counts for jack shit in the scheme of things, certainly not on your CV. It's his mother, not yours. Why are you the one sacrificing your life for all this? Go back to work FGS. tell your DH and his Dbro to cough for a home/ carer.

CaptainUndercrackers · 12/09/2013 14:06

Hats off to you OP, I think you are doing an amazing job for your MIL and those giving you stick should think on. Sadly many of us will end up in the position of caring for our elderly relatives and it's tough. Don't know about the inheritance thing in terms of legal entitlement. But I can understand your concerns, and resentment. I do think that regardless of money issues you would be well advised to rope in your BIL to provide respite care on a regular basis. She's his mother, why should you get left with all the work 24/7? Him and your DH should be showering you with rose petals for taking care of their mum for them.

firesidechat · 12/09/2013 14:06

Even with power of attorney can you sell the house and divide the money now? Wouldn't that be a bit of an issue with the authorities and the rules for acting on you mils behalf?.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:07

I would take this to DH's Dbro- say that you cant cope anymore and that you are going to sell the house and put MIL in a home. He'll be bringing a deal to the table smartish, I'll bet.

Settle when he gets to 70/30

Ragusa · 12/09/2013 14:07

I don't understand the thing about you moving to a more expensive area and 'needing to know how much you can have' in order to do this. The brothers won't inherit until the MIL dies but you would need the funds immediately you move house with MIL in tow, surely? Or am I missing something? Is your DH is planning to use 'his share' of the house proceeds (by exercising power of attorney) to buy the new house, before your MIL dies??

Thymeout · 12/09/2013 14:08

I do know what it is like to care for someone with dementia and incontinence, and I think some posters have been very unfair to OP. She's been taking the brunt of this situation, more so even than her husband.

As fire says, there's nothing that can be done now if the house was left 50-50 in the will. But natural justice says you shouldn't be left out of pocket for the time and money you have put in to ensuring there is something to inherit. Without you, your MIL would be in a home, the house would have been sold and the money would be disappearing at a huge rate in carehome costs.

Could you calculate your expenses, including recognition of lost salary and house renovation and set it against a market value rent? Find out what care home fees would have been. Then have a conversation with your BIL. He could agree to do a deed of variation when MIL dies. He needs to realise that he is very much in your debt.

Sirzy · 12/09/2013 14:09

If the house is sold now the money is still your mother in laws until she dies.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/09/2013 14:09

Could your MIL pay CH fees from her income then Jelly ? I

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 14:10

I think if I were the brother, I would be extremely cross if I heard that my SIL wanted me to lose out on part of my inheritance because she'd made the adult decision to put her career on hold and live rent-free for three years. I'm not saying that's how it is but if you're going to present this to him, make sure you are watertight in your figures.

QuintessentialOldDear · 12/09/2013 14:10

3 years eh?
How old is your husband and his brother?

You made MILS house habitable for you, right? You gave up your work so you could be a sahm in the country, not pay rent/mortgage in exchange of looking after an elderly lady.

And now you feel entitled to a larger share of her inheritance?

Your compensation was living rent/mortgage free and the country life style.

The money from the sale of your house could have been invested wisely, and put together with 50% of mils estate once she passes, could perhaps buy you a new home?

Do however keep track of the work you have done, as you may have increased the value of the property. However, you and your dh (as well as dhs brother) will benefit from that one day.