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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we should inherite larger share of MiL property?

260 replies

Jellybeanz1 · 12/09/2013 12:55

I have been caring for my very nice but sometimes difficult MIL for 3 years in her large country house. I left my job p/t teacher and we sold our small London house to move in. Over the last 3 years we have done substantial work to the house let alone a ridiculous amount of de cluttering from 2 generations of hoarders living there (not kidding couldn't get into 3 rooms). My dh has to stay away 3 nights a week commuting to his old job. We have also prevented the house being sold for nursing home fees (she has dementia and is incontinent).
So when we just had the house valued to see what our options might be for the future I was very disappointed to hear my dh say half would go to the brother. He hasn't helped out at all and we lost money on our house in London as prices have returned to 7% increase. MiL's property is now worth more now as prices are picking up and all the work and effort we have put into it. I have just had argument with dh as I don't feel he is valuing my efforts and also depriving the children of their inheritance.
Aibu and greedy or should we/I be compensated. I have looked for a nice teaching job here but cant find one (2 interviews). I feel like I don't want to carry on with the loneliness, the burden of caring and managing this large house and garden( on my own most of the time ) if it wasn't to improve our financial position. After all the brother i L. is not spending all his time doing up the house and not being able to get away and is actually financially well off. I'm also worried I've messed up my career.

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 12/09/2013 13:32

Can I just point out also - the brothers seem to be fine with sharing the house. It's the OP who has a problem with it.

DoJo · 12/09/2013 13:32

I have to say, I agree with the OP that there should at least be some consideration of the work that has gone into the house, however inheritances don't work like that and her MIL could have left the house to whomever she wanted. If it will come down to a decision made between the two brothers, then it would be nice if the brother who has not been there would acknowledge the work that has gone into the house and his mother's care and offer to split it in favour of the OP and her husband, but nobody is really in a position to demand this unfortunately.

Ragusa · 12/09/2013 13:34

Erm, no. I wouldn't presume that just because I'd cared for a family member for a while that that meant I would be 'entitled' to a bigger share of any inheritance. You shouldn't do that kind of thing with the expectation of financial reward. How would you feel, as an aging parent, if you knew that a DC who had moved in to care for you had only stepped up to the plate on condition they'd be paid for their 'inconvenience' further down the line?

Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 13:35

I think lots of comments on here reflect how we as a country view, caring really and we know its diabolical!

Floggingmolly · 12/09/2013 13:35

But she admitted quite freely in the op that he 's doing it to improve their financial position. What strikes me as particularly distasteful is her surprise at her DH's "decision" on how to divvy up the proceeds, apparently not understanding that there are rules of inheritance where there is no will, and the decision will not be theirs to make.
Was she hoping to take advantage of the MIL's dementia? Hmm

ShedWood · 12/09/2013 13:35

I'm not sure the OP is getting a fair ride here, being a carer is a hugely difficult role.

However, it would be more reasonable IMO to ignore the inheritance and instead say to your DH & BIL "caring for your mother is a full time job, and is preventing me from getting a job, so I am henceforth going to charge the going carer's rate of £X per hour split 50/50 between DH and BIL, and that wage will come out of MIL's estate".

If BIL doesn't want to pay that then he can hire in someone else to do the role, you can move out and get a job elsewhere and everyone, but I imagine if both your DH and BIL has to look into it to see how much a carer charges and what kind of 24/7 care your MIL needs that they'll be happy to "pay" you, and you won't feel like you're losing out.

If you genuinely don't feel you can do the role for love anymore then treat it as a job.

GrrArgh · 12/09/2013 13:35

I'm sorry to be blunt, but it looks like three years ago, when you sold the house, gave up your job and moved in with MIL, maybe you had not thought through the full ramifications of your choices.

House prices are always mobile, and taking a career break of undetermined length has most probably harmed our career a little. But in all seriousness, how did you see those two factors at the time?

It is only natural that the house is split 50/50 when she does go. If there was to be any other solution, why wasn't it discussed before you made the decisions about your house and job?

SJisontheway · 12/09/2013 13:36

I'm not supriaed the op has disappeared with the abuse she has been getting.

OP it is not unusual or unreasonable for the primary carer of an elderly parent to be favoured in the will. Your problem is that none of this was discussed up front. I think its time to sit down with the family and come up with a solution that works for everyone.

Its a tough situation and you have made considerable sacrifices.

Feminine · 12/09/2013 13:36

You are being a little greedy.

and sneaky too!

didn't you want to help her?

PoppadomPreach · 12/09/2013 13:37

fishandJam I am really sorry your mother has Alzheimer's and totally understand the need for her to be in a home. But I do fail to see why you interpreted my c

Fishandjam · 12/09/2013 13:37

Ragusa, those are very fine sentiments. But I think you need to walk in the shoes of someone who has cared for a dementia sufferer. (Note that word "dementia". Not just someone who's a bit old and doddery. I know someone who had their jaw broken by their father, whose Alzheimer's made him have violent hallucinations and throw his faeces at pedestrians outside his house.)

NotActuallyAMum · 12/09/2013 13:38

I didn't read this as the MIL is in a home, I read it that by moving in with her the OP and her DH have prevented this from happening

Fishandjam · 12/09/2013 13:38

poppadom, I was actually in full agreement with you - maybe the sarcasm didn't translate very well!

EastwickWitch · 12/09/2013 13:38

I'm wondering who has Power of Attorney?
If it's DH & BIL presumably there was some communication before ££ was spent on country house restoration?
This doesn't add up to me.

Toxicshmoxic · 12/09/2013 13:39

we had our grandfather living with us for 6 weeks and it was quite hellish, didnt know where he was, always wandering off, couldnt do or understand anything.

op has been at this for years, doing a job most of us couldn't and wouldn't do for our own parents let alone her husbands.

for all those who think she is greedy, i wonder then if your inheritance will cross your mind as you parent goes into home that costs 1000 a week and is shite....

PoppadomPreach · 12/09/2013 13:40

fishandJam I am really sorry your mother has Alzheimer's and totally understand the need for her to be in a home. But I do fail to see why you interpreted my comment as some kind of criticism of those who, very understandably, choose to put very sick parents into care?

My point is simply that in the event the OP is caring for the MIL, it seems fair she does not pay rent?

My reading of the OP is that MIL has avoided going ing into a home, and thereby not had to sell her home to pay for this, by virtue of fact OP has looked after her?

But maybe I've got this wrong.....

Sirzy · 12/09/2013 13:41

Toxic - for my grandmother we happily paid for a great care home for her with not a single thought about inheritance. It was her money being used to give her the best life possible at that time. Not everyone is driven by money

PoppadomPreach · 12/09/2013 13:42

Aah sorry - didn't realise my half message had posted - and didn't detect your sarcasm fishandjam!

CeliaLytton · 12/09/2013 13:42

YABU

I understand the sacrifices you have made and how hard it must have been for you, but it is up to your MIL, and then the brothers between them, to decide how to split any inheritance.

Would you have done all this caring if not for the chance of inheritance? I expect the answer is yes, because you care about MIL, and therefore you know you have done what is right, regardless of financial gain.

BIL might be able to live with the fact he has not supported his mother over the years, but you would not.

Don't let this take over your life. Either carry on caring for MIL because you want to, or if it is going to be too detrimental financially long term for your family, make other arrangements. But don't let the money come into it. Flowers

Ragusa · 12/09/2013 13:44

I know what dementia is, and is like to live with. Additionally, I grew up with a Grandmother who had severe and completely incapacitating rheumatoid arthritis, and was a v difficult character on account of her constant pain. My mum provided 24/7 care for her but I think the idea that she would consequently have been entitled to more inheritance than her other siblings (had there actually been any money) would have been abhorrent to her.

firesidechat · 12/09/2013 13:45

Apart from anything else, you and your husband will have absolutely no say in how the estate is distributed.

If there is a will then that will include your mil's wishes and has to be distributed that way by law. If she has dementia then she can't write another will.

If there is no will then the estate will be shared between your husband and his brother equally. That is also the law.

Since there is nothing that you can do, I would suggest not giving it another thought.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/09/2013 13:45

I think it is entirely normal when caring for someone with Dememtia to get resentful towards absent siblings (or inlaws) in this case. It hugely effects your life and it is recognised that Carers in this situation are more prone to depression and ill health.

OP, take a step back from this and reflect what you want from your life. Now is probably the time to decide what you want from the future and put things in place it make this happen. Never underestimate the benefits of having siblings getting on with each other. This has happened between me and my Brother about the right way forward for care of my Mum who has Dementia.

I was at the GP having my Blood Pressure Meds increased yesterday and he said he sees these family arguments happen time and time again and has to deal with the fallout. The stress of a fallout just isn't worth it. Recognise that it is probably resentfulness you are feeling, look at what you can do to change th situation and move on.

Parmarella · 12/09/2013 13:48

Sounds like you have taken on a very hard role, hat off to you for doing that work.

Sorry it is not (probably) going to work out as you hoped financially. Maybe time to reconsider your career?

Being a carer is tough work, maybe try and find another job.

It is a tough job, and as you can see, it is not appreciated enough by MIL or family, so....why even do it?

I love my MIL, but would never sign up for being her carer (selfish).

About the inheritance, that was a mistake in your thinking and has nothing to with you, it is up to MIL, her will and the brothers. ...unfortunately for you!

burberryqueen · 12/09/2013 13:51

i hope she leaves it to the local cats' home

DeWe · 12/09/2013 13:52

Hang on. There's nowhere she says she was only looking after her mil for financial gain. If she was I guess she'd have given up by now, probably a long time ago.

She has loss of earning for teaching for 3 years, her dh is commuting to work (costing transport cost) and staying away (presumably paying rent in London). That alone is probably going to be in the region of at least £100K.
She has spent three years caring for her MIL-dementia is hard. You need to be on call 24/7, because dementia sufferers are just as likely to wake at night and do something dangerous as during the day.
That's saved her mil/the inheritance the cost of a care home, which is roughly £30K a year. That's roughly another £100K over three years.

At the same time they've been doing up the house. Maybe some people love doing that sort of thing, but I hate it. Again, if they'd got someone in it would have cost them.

She's not saying they should keep the house outright, she's saying a larger part.
However I think that sort of thing should probably be discussed, distasteful though it feels, before it starts. It would have been perfectly reasonable to say that they needed to have enough to get a similar house to the one they'd sold in the same place.

My parents know someone who did exactly the same just before the 80s housing boom. They were caring for 7 years. Hving had a house where they wanted, the size they wanted and sold it to care for parents in their home, 7 years later they found that their 1/3 of the inheritance and what they'd saved went nowhere near even looking at being able to buy a house. So from having a house they'd nearly paid off the morgage, they couldn't get a morgage to cover a smaller house.