To request that DD's teacher stops trying to force a friendship with this girl?

[madamevastra29]

It's a tricky one, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't want to come across the wrong way less than a week in. DD has just gone into year4 in what isn't a brilliant class environment IMO, the school reshuffled the classes for this year and DD has ended up in a very boy heavy class with a newly qualified teacher new to the school this year. DD is luckily with a couple of her friends from her year 3 class, as there is a very limited friendship pool of girls.

There's one girl in the class (I'll call her Daisy) who came to the school last term, in a different class. This girl has struggled to settle in from what I can gather and the year 4 teacher has told DD she has to be her "companion" and look after her at playtime and lunchtime. She is also sitting next to her for most of the day. Perfectly fine. DD, however, isn't happy with this arrangement, she says she wants to please her teacher and look after Daisy, but she wants to have either playtime or lunchtime each day to play just her best friend and her as they normally do, and not always babysitting. She was told off by her teacher today because she left Daisy by herself at lunch- while I can see where the teacher is coming from, I don't think DD should be punished for wanting to play with her best friend.

I'm concerned as the fact DD has been put next to this girl shows the teacher has not put the class on ability grouped tables, DD is very bright and when she finishes work early is asked to help Daisy and other girls on the table. We are aiming for DD to go to a selective independent for secondary, and need her to be stretched if she's going to be on track. I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues, I've yet to find her mum in the playground though so haven't had the chance to get to know her. I'm perfectly happy for DD to be friendly, but given DD is perfectly happy in her existing friendships and doesn't want to be lumbered with this girl 24/7, I don't want DD to be paired up with her more and more by the teacher. AIBU to voice my concerns to DD's teacher?

I know from one of the other mums who works at the school as a teaching assistant that this girl has a lot of issues

I too would be more concerned about the gossipy TA than anything else! How shocking. Give her a dictionary with the word 'confidentiality' highlighted!

ghastly woman should be sacked, I can just imagine it.

So many assumptions being made - particularly that the teacher has stipulated that the op's daughter must play exclusively with daisy. I am sure she has been asked to try to help her integrate and it is totally beyond me why she can't just include her in her games. Instead she wants an exclusive friendship with her bf and to exclude daisy - I can't see how anyone could think that is healthy.

Of course she is learning social skills at school - one of which should be being inclusive and looking after vulnerable people. My 5 year old has the sophistication (and this has been drummed into him) to approach those on their own in the playground and ask them to play. In fact he did this the other day and got house points for it - I couldn't have been prouder if he had aced a test. It's just simple bloody humanity and compassion.

The op smacks of horrible elitism, nimbyism and gossip. I hope you never have a child who is socially excluded or struggling - but on the other hand it may teach you some compassion.

And crumbled, you are a loon and way too invested in this thread.

I think OP is being given a hard time here.

I'd have no problem with my DCs being asked to support other children in the classroom, they were asked to and it didn't stop their progress. And it has only been a week so I'd wait to see how things were in a couple of weeks.

I do think the teacher is being unfair in forcing OP's dd to befriend Daisy to the exclusion of other friends. Even when you're only 8 friendship should be a choice and not forced upon you. Perfectly fine to ask her to look out for Daisy for some of the "free" time but very unreasonable to ask her to do it to the exclusion of her other friends. Some of the other girls should also be asked to help support Daisy. It should be a group thing not down to one child.

But it's not to the exclusion of her other friends

Do you seriously think she was told she was not allowed to play with her other friends any more?

actually i do not think the OP is being given more of a hard time than she deserves - look at the choice of words - 'lumbered' 'babysitting' '24/7' (wtf?) and of course her DD is v 'bright' and is just marking time in Scum Primary until she goes to a 'nice' school..yada yada. Horrible people.

I am a loon? Nothing like an intelligent, well formulated response
I think there are definitely people too invested in the thread though - there are a lot of people identifying with Daisy who have lost their objectivity and empathy for the other child.

She only asked the girl to look after at linch and break. Why couldnt they have all stayed together?op even says dd wanted to go off just with the bf. why couldnt they have all played?teacher disnt mean that dd has to exclude her bf!she got told off for leaving the poor girl on her own! I too remember having to buddy someone. I invited her to play with my friends.

I am impressed that you have got so much information from an 8 year old about school life in one week. My dd was always the child to be new children's companion, she used to be frilled showing them round. I could not imagine the the teacher told your DD she had to play with her alone and not BF, more likely your DD binned her to play with BF. I can see that maybe the NQT wrongly judged your dd as a child who would help a new child or your dd needs help to build a bigger circle of friends. Two girls who rely on their BFF can have problems when their crutch is taken away. It is one week.

It seems she was told she had to play with Daisy and not leave her on her own at all. That's unfair. The other girls should also have been told to include Daisy, it shouldn't be down to one little girl. She's 8 years old and is helping her in the classroom, she should be allowed one playtime when she can choose who she's with, surely?

What the OP is talking about is generating the Awww factor but is unlikely to benefit either child, and sounds like a significant disbenefit to the OPs child. It can be justifying with a lot of woolly aw bless the poor girl don't be mean type of responses. But it sounds lazy and is very unlikely to be helping Daisy very much at all. It's not the intention that matters in schools. It's the outcome. I don't think the outcome will be positive for either child. For some people that seems to make me a loon

Teacher needs to organise a group if children to help Daisy settle in, not just one child every time. Not fair nor helpful for either child to just have one buddy involved. Our school has a team of playground buddies who have volunteered to support with things like this.

No need for ability groups. However, unless it forms a clear part of the lesson planning then your dd should not be asked to help others with their work. It isn't great practise unless structured and planned for carefully to enhance the teaching and learning for all children. If your daughter finishes early she should be given extension type tasks to further stretch her. All children should be shown to be making progress in all lessons. Progress should be at their level.

Any 8 year old girl is worthy of compassion, and that includes the op's daughter. However she is being sent a message by her mother and those who collude with her mother (ie the mistress of gross misconduct ta) that she is exceptionally bright, destined for bigger and better things ( selective independent secondary), marking time with losers like daisy who have "problems" and that it is fine for her to have an exclusive friendship with her bf and to exclude daisy. Lunacy.

We all know women who have grown up with these messages and who have rather skewed values as adults.

If everyone is told to include Daisy, all will assume that the others are doing so and no one will. I thought it was common to have a "buddy" system.
The OPs DD has not been told she can only play with Daisy, just to include her. All she has to do is help Daisy get to know the others and make friends.
Daisy has struggled to fit in - the teacher is doing her best to ensure this doesn't happen this term too.
Whilst it is the school's job to stretch each child to the best of their ability, it is not their job to prepare them for a private secondary school. For that you need a tutor to ensure the curriculum is learnt at the right time for entrance exams.

And I agree that the mother-who-is-a-TA needs to shut up.

YABU - I hate hate hate setting by ability - particularly if it is within one classroom - I imagine you feel like you do because your daughter would be on the top table - how would you feel about it if she was on the bottom table? How do you think those children feel - that it is highlighted that they are the weakest children. Also, explaining things to others consolidates the learning process - there are things from my degree I understand so much better now that I have had to explain it to others to help them understand.

Withe regards to the friendship thing you need to cut the teacher some slack. She is an NQT - they only teach you so much on teaching training courses, a lot you have to figure out for yourself. I am sure that the teacher meant for your DD to include Daisy in her friendship group but may not have explained it very well (it takes a while to get used to the difference between what you say and what children hear) so maybe you could explain this to your DD - that she doesn't need to be with daisy the whole time exclusively, but should try to help her make friends (either within her friendship group or outside). Maybe tell your DD how much she would be grateful if she was new to a school and had someone to help her settle in and find her way.

PS - the TA needs sacking!

The problem with "buddying":

themodernmiss.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/damaged-children-emma-molly/

OP you sound like an insufferable snob. Hth.

Actually I think you should see the teacher so you can get the actual facts.. There's no way I would be taking an 8 yr old complaint at face value.

If I was daisys mother I would be having a word about this unkind kid my daughter had been paired up with.

I'm a teacher and a couple of things I don't set by ability as apart from anything ability is fluid a child who is good at English isn't necessarily good at maths also some children are good at writing things down but need to improve their ability to discuss things.

There is benefit from having one child explain something to another child to explain something you have to understand it yourself.

I am a huge believer in school as a place for children to learn socially and emotionally ,other learning cannot happen without these things.

The teacher may have asked your dd as see recognised that she could help Daisy, she may have also noticed that your dd needed to develop these skills. Or maybe she is trying to balance a lot of complex needs and there is no perfect answer .It is really presumptuous to presume it's all a one way street to help Daisy, think of it as learning for your dd.

Also nothing will happen to her having to play with this little girl for a few days, she is 8 . Kids love a bit of drama and often get creative about the difficulties in their lives. I would leave it for a couple of weeks, it won't damage her in any way at worst it's a bit annoying for her. It may make a big difference to Daisy ,empathy and compassion are huge life skills think of it as extra tuition.

Have you thought that maybe your daughter was asked because she is the kindest girl in the class? My graddaughter is starting a new school today and has been given a buddy to help her. Gd has some learning difficulties. I sincerely hope that the buddy will not treat gd like this. Would you have felt the same if you did not know about the daisy's issues, and instead she was brighter than your child and was helping her.

Your DD doesn't just have to play with Daisy, they can play together with others. I remember that I was asked to help others in my class. I loved it and stood me in good stead for becoming a teacher.

I'd like to know how you know the teacher has poor control of the clasS after one week.

Whilst I have some sympathy, OP, your tone is alienating.