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was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:
Awomansworth · 09/09/2013 23:15

Let this latest thread relating to children and the varying degrees of what is/is not acceptable behaviour be a BIG warning to all...

Never come to AIBU with any post of this type... you will regret it.

Just don't. Save your sanity.

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 23:15

he didnt ask or tell her to say thank you, he said that its nice to say thank you which is what he has been told by his parents, dont think he meant to be rude he was just repeating what he had been told

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/09/2013 23:16

Geekal must be te lady in question

Why? It seems a reasonable assumption to me and one that some others have made.

ghostspirit · 09/09/2013 23:16

mummyjs. i dont see what the problem is with him touching the button. i think where other posters have said it would be a good idea for him to say your welcome. its a way of saying you could have said thankyou without actually saying it. as people have also said he is 4 so he is still learning.

and the woman was also rude to your child no need for it

ilovesooty · 09/09/2013 23:17

he didnt ask or tell her to say thank you, he said that its nice to say thank you which is what he has been told by his parents, dont think he meant to be rude he was just repeating what he had been told

Exactly. It's not his fault he has not been given any guidance about context.

galletti · 09/09/2013 23:17

Why is him saying 'it's nice to say thank you' rude? It IS nice to say thank you, and it IS rude not to say thank you, whatever age you are, and to whatever age you are saying it to.

ZutAlorsDidier · 09/09/2013 23:17

yabu. You are not responsible for the woman, but you are responsible for your own child, so whether or not the woman was rude doesn't matter - you teach your son to be polite to everyone, rude people included.

this means: not dicking about with a door which people need to use to access something that matters to them very much (medicine), that they might be feeling emotional about, while they are in a hurry

not treating everyone in the world like accessories to his me-me-me fun-tymes

not insulting other people by pulling them up on manners (it is never polite to talk about others' manners, no matter how bad they are, except your own children whom you are teaching)

not patronising people who are older and wiser than you (he did it by mistake, but you need to tell him that he and adults do not have a symmetrical relationship. you can tell him "it is nice to say thank you" - he can't talk to adults like that, ie, presume to instruct them about anything other than privileged information about himself eg "I am thirsty" "I don't like that")

However, having said all that, I don't think the woman was rude to ignore him in the first place. I think she was polite to ignore him dicking about being a pert little pain in the arse, rather than telling him to get out of the way

what some people do not realise is that interacting with others is, for some people, extremely demanding. Interacting with people who are demanding that you be "nice" and "fun" is a job. If a person doesn't feel like it, at the chemists of all places, they shouldn't have to do it. you can always say "please" and "thank you" but people of all kinds and ages can just be too demanding when they want more, in the vein of "how are you this fine day" [twinkle twinkle] or "cheer up it may never happen" or what your dc did. It is ok not to play. It really is.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/09/2013 23:22

I think that everyone involved in this little transaction sounds incredibly annoying.

HTH.

MidniteScribbler · 09/09/2013 23:23

Fact: Parents think their children are adorable. The general public are under no obligation to have the same opinion.

Viviennemary · 09/09/2013 23:23

Your four year old shouldn't have been messing about opening doors and getting in people's way. She probably didn't even realise he was opening the door. I think you were incredibly rude and did not set a very good example to your son.

geekgal · 09/09/2013 23:25

Nah, I'd have ignored both of them and moved on, there are far too many irritating people around to pick a fight with all of them! Smile

quoteunquote · 09/09/2013 23:27

Top post Birdsgottafly

As much as you son was enjoying helping people the pharmacy really is probably the exact place where you will get that response.

quite often it is the only place that a person will drag themselves to,

having spent much of the last two years having major operations, and being constant pain, I have found myself on occasion unable to interact or even want to interact with anyone let alone with children,

I have a lot of support(DH), so have been able to avoid having to deal with the drugs run, on a couple of occasions that I have had to, I would of struggled to be civil, unrelenting pain can really take all of your brain to deal with.

VileWoman · 09/09/2013 23:30

I don't have a problem with what your son did, I think the woman was very rude to shout at a 4 year old and if someone did that to my 4 year old I think I'd want to defend them as well. Having said that, I think you could have handled the situation better. Easy to say though!

Retroformica · 09/09/2013 23:33

The little boy was just being a helpful chap and I think the old lady only flew off the handle because he had a valued point.

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 23:36

quoteunquote , i agree as this is the reason we were in the chemist in the first place and i understand how hard it is to be in pain and deal with the world on a level footing.

as ive tried to explain the reason i let him play with the door was the chemist encouraged it and it gave me two mins to talk and concentrate on what i needed to speak to them about.

yes he has been told it is not nice to comment on peoples manners rude or otherwise, he didnt understand the what he said and how it could offend, however the lady clearly saw him and still choose to be rude and shout at a 4 year old, yes i over reacted and shouldnt have said what i did but tbh i was pretty near the edge myself that day.

i dont expect anyone to see my child as cute...jez i dont even see him as that most of the time, but i dont think its right to shout at a child when they obv dont have the concept of what they have said

OP posts:
LackingEnergy · 09/09/2013 23:37

You know I've never felt the need to 'thank' a child for playing with a door :-/

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 23:38

and he has also been told that if he chooses to do something nice then he should do it to be good not to expect a thank you, although it is nice to say it and he should say it to others

OP posts:
buss · 09/09/2013 23:40

The OP's unnecessary comment to the old lady was the rudest.

Did the old lady get her medication?

buss · 09/09/2013 23:41

he wasn't doing something 'nice' for people though...he was playing with the door

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/09/2013 23:43

You need to train him to do the "pfffffft" noise at people like her in future. Pffffft and a gallic shrug.

littlemisswise · 09/09/2013 23:44

Even if the chemist had have encouraged my DC to have played with the door I wouldn't have allowed it.

Children need to learn that there will be times when they won't be occupied, sometimes they just have to stand still next to their carer and wait until they have finished.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2013 23:45

Having read all 183 posts, I get the picture and think YABU, Im afraid.

Just because the Chemist says it is ok, does not mean you go ahead and encourage your 4 year old to mess around with a door. Sorry but children are like dogs, they are adorable, cute and wonderful to the people who know them, but it shouldn't be automatically the obligation of members of the general public to have to play along with DCs game for his/your entertainment.

I agree wholeheartedly with encouraging children to experience things in the real world, but not at the inconvenience of people who didn't ask for it. If you want to teach him things, do it at home not in a shop, where mistakes and misunderstandings can happen ....and fingers can get trapped in doors!

Nothing in any of your posts convinces me you think you have done anything unreasonable, but you most certainly have, in my opinion.

GildedWingsOfGrace · 09/09/2013 23:45

She probably shouted because she was embarrassed about being reprimanded by a little boy.

Both in the wrong really.

LolaCrayola · 09/09/2013 23:51

While it may be rude to not say thank you, it is far ruder to point it out to people. I think it is important that you teach your son not to be so rude and cheeky. Yes she was grumpy, but you know what? sometimes older people may be in pain, or tired, or they may just not feel like engaging with a rude, presumptuous child. YABU

LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 23:53

Perhaps she was feing like shit. Who knows? She might be very ill, in pain, picking up meds for an ill husband/child/grandchild.

Context is key. And, sadly, not everyone is polite or wants to engage with others, including children who are playing with a door.

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