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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 09/09/2013 23:55

*feeling

Bloody phone.

PresidentServalan · 09/09/2013 23:57

Your DS was actually very rude. You don't know what she went into the shop for, and she may well not have been completely delighted to be forced to interact with a precocious 4 year old. And at that age he shouldn't be speaking to anyone like that. I wouldn't have been impressed if I had been the shop owner either - as you managed to lose them a customer. So YWBtotallyU

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/09/2013 00:01

Did she really flounce out without getting what she went in for?! Grin

"Oi! Lemon lip! You forgot your embalming fluid." That's what I would have shouted.

PresidentServalan · 10/09/2013 00:01

And as a pp said, she only ignored him, she didn't tell him to get out of the way or anything. She could have been in pain, worried about someone etc - and pissing about with a shop door is hardly wonderful behaviour. Perhaps she couldn't be arsed to speak to your DS - not everyone has to, you know.

megsmouse · 10/09/2013 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OctopusPete8 · 10/09/2013 00:03

I thought it was common decency to thank people opening doors??

Why does the fact its a child make her rudeness more okay?

I hate old people who just think they've earned the right to be as rude as they like. YANBU.

PresidentServalan · 10/09/2013 00:04

And the child was an incredibly rude little boy! I would go postal if a child spoke to me like that!

ExcuseTypos · 10/09/2013 00:12

I've always tried to give strangers the benefit of the doubt if they have been a bit tetchy with me. I assume they are usually perfectly nice people who are having a bad day.

I don't really know or care why they've decided to be rude to me but if I assume its a one off because they've had bad news or are feeling under the weather, it means I smile sweetly, get on with my day and then don't have to spend hours analysing and worrying about why someone was 'rude' to me.

I suggest others try this approach as its much less time consuming.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 10/09/2013 00:24

YANBU at all. She was obnoxious and you gave your boy a lesson in fairness and loyalty.

jessieagain · 10/09/2013 00:29

op did she shout or did she just snap at him?

It is quite rare for a person to shout as a first response to strangers in a situation like this. Usually the shouting comes after a few sharp words have been exchanged as it's an escalation.

Lethologica · 10/09/2013 00:57

I would have told my DS off if he had been cheeky like that but I would have growled at the old woman too.
I would also not have let him play with the door. It's not the place to do it and I would have found it a bit precious.
I have always taught my DCs to open doors for people and I was amazed at how many people wouldn't acknowledge them. (This was overseas) I would sometimes say something to other people if they were rude to my kids. I would not have let them be rude though.

timidviper · 10/09/2013 00:59

Is this going to be another one of those threads where you ask were you rude, loads of people say yes you were and you refuse to accept it and keep insisting you were right.

Over the years that I worked in pharmacies I have often seen staff have "little helpers" This usually means For God's sake give that child something to do to keep them quiet till their parent removes them. At which point the staff all breathe a huge sigh of relief!

Your son was unintentionally rude, the woman was rude and you were very rude and set your son a terrible example.

mrsfrumble · 10/09/2013 05:26

Whether or not the woman was rude, can everyone please stop referring to her as 'old'? Her age is an irrelevant detail, and by mentioning it the OP seems to have opened the floodgates for some truly unpleasant prejudice and stereotyping. Not cool.

Ageism just boils my piss.

Jengnr · 10/09/2013 05:53

Frankly if I'd have opened the door for her and she didn't thank me I'd have given her a passive aggressive 'You're welcome'. Just because someone is small doesn't mean they warrant a lack of manners.

You, quitecorrectly, pointed out that instead of lecturing you about manners (which your son had displayed by kindly openeing the door) she had an (apparently much needed) lesson in them off a child.

YNBU. Move on, forget.

Jengnr · 10/09/2013 05:54

*opening

hesterton · 10/09/2013 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew · 10/09/2013 06:29

"It is quite rare for a person to shout as a first response to strangers in a situation like this. Usually the shouting comes after a few sharp words have been exchanged as it's an escalation."

Really? I thought the universal experience of mumsnetters is that that is how anyone over 50- or "old bitches", as they like to call them,- behaves.

Sirzy · 10/09/2013 06:34

Mrsfrumble - completely agree some of the ways the lady has been described on here are horrible

Gracie990 · 10/09/2013 06:47

I would have said.

Don't worry not everyone is nice in his ear.

It's not really his job to remind her of her poor manners, I have a four year old that does this. We are working on not commenting on people out loud at the moment.

I think a good passive agressive comment was the order of the day. "sorry we're working on good manners, sorry." that type of thing.

wanderings · 10/09/2013 06:47

Not on either side here, but looking at the child's point of view, who no doubt saw himself as being helpful, I remember incidents like this when I was four or five years old, and I remember clearly that childhood was full of injustices, such as:

  • Grown ups would tell you what to do, and then break the same rule right under (or three feet above) your nose.
  • If you repeated the advice given to you by a grown up, as in this case, you were told off (or smacked) for being rude.
  • Your parents were allowed to smack you for bad behaviour, but woe betide you if you did the same to your lying, favoured, disobedient younger brother.
  • At school, if you used your common sense to do something sensible, heaven help you if if you hadn't actually been told to do it, even if your intention was the right one.
  • Whole class punishments!!!!!!!!
  • Suddenly being expected to have initiative, after years of being told never to do anything without asking.

It was things like this that made me loathe childhood. I couldn't wait to be grown up. Now in my thirties, I am very glad to be where I am! Wink

shellyf · 10/09/2013 07:14

ffs 50 is so not old!And no I am not over fifty.
My children did things for people because it was the right thing to do not to be thanked.You don't give to receive etc...

shellyf · 10/09/2013 07:16

Lovely story Hesteron:-)

littlemisswise · 10/09/2013 07:25

"It is quite rare for a person to shout as a first response to strangers in a situation like this. Usually the shouting comes after a few sharp words have been exchanged as it's an escalation."

I agree, but it seems on MN if any one dares speak to someone else's child, they shout, or bawl, are aggressive or need angermangement!

MissLurkalot · 10/09/2013 07:35

I'm always holding doors for people of all ages.. Even when I was heavily pregnant.
I have found that elderly people rarely ever say thankyou.
It began to do my head in, so I would mutter 'you're welcome'.
Most the time they wouldn't hear me, but sometimes they would and glare at me, and I would grin back.

resipsa · 10/09/2013 07:43

As the mother of a 2 yr old, I am amazed by how rude people can be to her seemingly on account of her age alone. That said, some of the same people seem to be rude to everyone so I suspect then it's not discrimination, just an absence of good manners generally.

The door thing winds me up generally. I dislike it when kids barge through with no thanks but usually understand why that's the case when their parents barge through after them also with no thanks...