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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 10/09/2013 20:32

I say good on your ds,i think sometimes older people think its their right to give everyone a lecture.It doesnt hurt to give a smile and say thanks.If he hadnt said thanks i bet she would have bloody said something!Probably the same as he did.I hate it when people treat kids like theyre not people too and especially when they dont acknowledge them.You dont earn the right to be miserable because you added another year on your age.

Floggingmolly · 10/09/2013 20:36

In common parlance it most certainly does, Polkadots.

NeedaWee · 10/09/2013 20:57

I think that one person's ADORABLE four year old is another person's annoying brat

this

methinks OP will be starting another thread "oh why does my brat never get invited to parties!" lol

SlobAtHome · 10/09/2013 21:04

Interesting to see how split this is.

I agree with those who think your son was rude.

My son is 4 and would get a telling off for speaking to an adult like this. I don't believe in children being equals with adults (except for basic human rights) and push him to respect his elders at all times.

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 21:09

God speed, aderynlas!

I think you're my new hero

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 10/09/2013 21:12

We had it on a list of 'commonly misused word' Flogging

I've read it so many times as a negative, when it really isn't. It's a statement of fact.

To a lesser extent, to me, it seems like words like 'gay' and 'special' which are slowly acquiring a second (well, third for gay I suppose) meaning that's negative and means the word can be misinterpreted. For example, precocious puberty. If you thought precocious was just negative behaviour, you wouldn't necessarily be able to work out what that meant.

Sorry, slightly off-piste there!

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 10/09/2013 21:13

And very poorly written too, it's been a long day! Hopefully you get the gist though.

curlew · 10/09/2013 21:14

"But Curlew the comments about her being 'dried up' etc are a sexist form of ageism, I reckon. It's a lovely little sub-group..

Of course- I understand. Sorry, HavantGuard- you're right. It's a BOGOF ism.

Interesting that nobody is defending their ageist language.

curlew · 10/09/2013 21:17

Precocious when applied to a child has always had a negative connotation though.

My dd overheard herself being talked about at the age of about 18 months. and came running up to me saying "I not cocious bat. I not!"
Sadly, she was........

grumpymummamucker · 10/09/2013 21:25

So a 4 year old repeated something that his mum had told him and suddenly he is a 'brat that will be friendless' what a lovely thing to say about a child that did not have any concept of what they were saying.
the op did not say he demanded an apology or thanks from this woman,just said something that in his 4year old mind was true

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 10/09/2013 21:25

I think that's probably because precocious (in the 'proper' sense of the word) children are more likely to be pains in the backside, because some bits (e.g. language) are significantly more developed than others (tact)!

I think the children made the word sound 'bad', rather than the word making the children sound 'bad' if that makes sense. Whereas nasty was always a negative word so when applied to the children, they became bad too.

I don't know if that's right, but it seems plausible...

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/09/2013 21:26

I'm usually hot on "no love, just because you think he's lovely doesn't mean everybody will" in these kind of posts. However, I know for a fact I'd find it adorable if I saw a little child opening the door and being lovely. The women was a best having a very bad day. At worst she's just not a particularly pleasant individual.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/09/2013 21:29

at curlew. Though the more I see of you around here the more I worry you're actually my mum!

Sallystyle · 10/09/2013 21:33

Celia Lytton is here!! Love the username

I think your son was just parroting what he has been told, to say please and thank you etc. The woman may have been miserable, she may just have been distracted. Personally, if I was the woman I would probably have smiled and then thanked him.

However, I never, ever allow my children to plays with those doors. I think that is bad manners. Whether or not the shop keeper was ok with or not. Kids should not play with doors.

Boomba · 10/09/2013 21:45

your son should not have being playing with the doors
he shouldnt have told the woman to say thank you. But, he is 4!
The woman over reacted (maybe with an excusable reason)
I absolutely would tell my children not to apologise, if someone demanded an apology because they were an adult

wokeupwithasmile · 10/09/2013 21:46

oh wow! 50 = older ladies now?
not that it changes anything, but I wonder how many other words used in the original message were exaggerated.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 10/09/2013 21:52

I don't think he was rude at all simply imitating what his parents had taught him. Cheeky without intent perhaps rude no way!

I wouldn't have made him apologise unless it was obvious he was being rude on purpose, which he clearly wasn't.

I find in modern society people are Increasingly intolerant of children. That woman is of a generation where they demand respect from anyone younger but give none in return, she doesn't deserve an apology. What a pathetic way to live out your days grumpy and bitter.

PresidentServalan · 10/09/2013 21:54

I think the OP is going to have to get used to this kind of reaction from people if her child is going to be so rude to strangers. People saying that the woman may have been stressed - it may just have been that she didn't want to interact with some child who was pissing about with the door! Doesn't make her an evil person!

justanuthermanicmumsday · 10/09/2013 21:58

As for on the child was rude playing with doors paleeze this is a child have some slack. It's not rude behaviour annoying perhaps to adults , nuisance but bad manners no. He was trying to be polite and I suspect he was having fun opening the door. Before ppl bash the mother, well we all have our moments where we think ok I need a break from nagging constantly. it won't kill him to let customers in at the door. it's not the crime of the century for a four year old, it won't mean he's a badly adjusted adult later on. Too many matrons here.

Lilacroses · 10/09/2013 21:59

I realised last night when I got all indignant about this post that I had a "thing" about holding doors open for people that didn't say thank you! Anyway, I still think OP was right.

Also though I think it is really horrible when people answer with posts like "your Ds/Dd sounds just like......." followed by a description of an "objectionable child" that they can't stand. Would anyone like their own child to be described in this way? We are only hearing about a few seconds snap shot about this little boy, I actually think he did nothing wrong but even if you do I think it is really horrible to start extrapolating about his personality in general.

Boomba · 10/09/2013 21:59

I dont think he was particularly rude. the main 'fault' IMO lies with OP in letting her son mess about with the electronic doors. Who does that??

Lilacroses · 10/09/2013 22:00

as if saying "it's nice to say thank you" is rude!!!!

PresidentServalan · 10/09/2013 22:04

And far from being intolerant of children i think society is far more child centric than it has ever been - so anyone who doesn't like children is called 'miserable' 'bitter' etc. So apparently it's fine for a child to be obnoxious and disrespectful? It's no wonder that some people dislike children, when they witness that kind of behaviour.

Emilyeggs · 10/09/2013 22:07

That dose sound a bit cheeky, if I was her I'd be a bit annoyed but its not worth worrying about. Live and learn . Don't let it worry you x

Lilacroses · 10/09/2013 22:07

How is saying that obnoxious and disrespectful?

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