Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 10/09/2013 11:15

This child has today learnt that when you do something nice like opening a door, some people will be polite and say than you but others will just be 'old grumpy bags'

And you think think this is a bad thing because.........?

For the billionth time, not everybody wants to play along nicely with other people's children (or other people full stop). This is entirely their right, and the sooner parents and children deal with it the better.

(Unless you want your sons to grow up to be those slightly leery types who harrass young women at bus stops because their don't wish to hear their life stories..........)

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/09/2013 11:16

IS it rude to comment on people's manners?

I do it all the time. Blush I am turning into my fucking mother.

soverylucky · 10/09/2013 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 11:25

We're not talking about her playing along with his 'games'. Just a simple "thank you" for opening the door for her.

Sirzy · 10/09/2013 11:26

It is rude to tell someone off for their bad manners when you don't know that person.

A 4 year old probably didnt realise that though which is why his mum is now going to talk to him to explain that sometimes strangers are rude but we don't say anything to them because that would also be rude.

Sirzy · 10/09/2013 11:26

I was raised to respect everyone irrespective of their age.

Lweji · 10/09/2013 11:27

Sometimes adults do things for me that I don't ask them to.
Such as holding doors.

I always smile and say thank you, even though I was prepared to open the door myself.

I think it is rude not to say thank you when people are polite to you. Even 4 year olds.

Personally, people who just walk by get on my nerves.
This woman was rude and even worse to have a go at the boy. If she was going to ignore him, then she should have continued to.

ginslinger · 10/09/2013 11:34

Oh let's just be a bit nicer, it's not that hard. It's not a fucking competition going out every day. Some of us get it wrong, some of us don't and it's much nicer to smile a bit.

I am so far over 50 I'm practically touching 60 so my opinion probably doesn't count.

Pagwatch · 10/09/2013 11:34

I called 'excuse me' to a woman walking in front of me a while ago.
She turned around and snapped 'what!' at me.
I said 'sorry. It's nothing' and left her to continue walking up into the high street with her skirt tucked in her pants.

ginslinger · 10/09/2013 11:35

oh Pagwatch that's wonderful - if only she'd been a bit more pleasant, eh?

littlemisswise · 10/09/2013 11:41

She didn't have to say thank you to him, she didn't have to say thank you to anybody yesterday if she didn't want to. She was going in to the chemist, she might have just had bad news at the doctors, she might have been picking up sleeping pills because her DH had just died, she might have been in pain. No-one knows.

It was not the most polite thing in the world not to say thank you but sometimes people are absent minded. The woman did not deserve a precocious 4yo to pull her up on her manners and instead of the mother getting snippy with her, she should have taken the opportunity to explain to him why it is not polite to comment on stranger's manners!

AdmiralData · 10/09/2013 11:42

The kid wasn't rude, the old woman was rude.
He should not have had to apologise.
The woman clearly just thought the world revolves around her.

Pagwatch · 10/09/2013 11:45
Grin I am a mean old bag ginslinger ..
TediousFool · 10/09/2013 11:45

I can't imagine the little boy was being sarcastic or passive aggressive by saying 'it's polite to say thank you' I mean come on, he's 4! Probably not even started school yet. He was merely pointing out the obvious in that blunt way that children do so well.

Lessons have been learnt for all here though, your boy has learnt that not all adults are polite. You've learnt that not all adults will play nice for a child and the woman has learnt that she really ought to say thank you next time! Grin

tobiasfunke · 10/09/2013 11:46

There was a life lesson in there for your son that not everyone is pleasant and says please or thank you and that pointing out their deficiencies is rude.
However you should've pointed that out to him rather than having a go at the woman who did.
I have a child who turned 5 last month and I would've been horrified if he'd said that to someone ever.

Thepowerof3 · 10/09/2013 11:50

I hate it when people don't say thanks when someone holds the door open for them, I wouldn't have made him apologise he's right after all and she knew it! Saying that I would've left it at that as he said it succinctly enough for himself

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2013 11:52

He didn't hold the door open for her though. He was standing a metre away and pressed a button that activated the door - an action the lady may not have even noticed??

nocoolusernameY0 · 10/09/2013 11:54

The woman was a moron, I think you did the right thing. Forcing a child to apologize when they don't feel sorry is nonsense, it doesn't teach them better empathy, it just teaches them to lie with better discrimination. I would have discussed it with him afterwards and pointed out how what he said might make someone feel, and I would have discussed what the old women did, why she might have done it (obviously because of her own deficiencies, not your son's), and how to ensure you pair never end up like that! It isn't your 4 year old's job to support the ego's of adults. She should have turned round and said "You're right! It is nice to say thank you!" like a reasonable person, and then you probably would have said "Sorry about that", and discussed it with your lo afterwards. That would have been a demonstration in good manners. Reassuring a stranger on the back of coercing your child is absurd - can't believe anyone would recommend it.

Thepowerof3 · 10/09/2013 11:54

Oh well that's a bit different, got the wrong end of the stick then sorry

SaucyJack · 10/09/2013 11:56

Not to mention it isn't actually nice or helpful to do something for someone which they haven't asked you to do and would clearly rather do themselves.

I'm sure even geriatric and dried up fifty somethings can open battery operated doors tlhemselves.

Thepowerof3 · 10/09/2013 11:58

Well I wouldn't say it's not nice but yes it doesn't really warrant a thanks esp

Gruntfuttock · 10/09/2013 12:07

I wish that so many posters didn't refer to a woman of 50 odd as an old woman. Bloody depressing it is.

Lethologica · 10/09/2013 12:26

The kids age is irrelevant, telling someone they should have said thank you is RUDE.
The lady was also rude but may not have been deliberately rude by not saying thank you. She may just not have been thinking or may have not realised that a button needed to be pressed for the doors to open.

The OP was also very rude.

SarahAndFuck · 10/09/2013 12:32

I don't think he was rude or sarcastic or precocious or a brat or any of the other names people here have called him, he was just parroting what has been said to him when he forgets his manners. Name calling a four year old is just as bad as name calling a fifty year old btw.

DS will often say to me "you should never run across the road" if we see someone do it. We live near a senior school which is on a main road and so there are always teenagers racing over it, in sharp contrast to our walk to the primary school where I remind DS to look both ways at every road we come to. It's just the thing that's in his head because I say it so often and so he does parrot it back to me if he sees someone else doing it.

And that said, I do sometimes tell other people's children off, for want of a better way to put that, although I don't usually shout at or barge them. It's usually more of a calm but firm "Please stop shouting/pushing etc, it's not very nice."

I never used to, but since I had DS it's somehow easier and I wouldn't object to someone telling DS off in the same way if they had a reason to.

Bluebell99 · 10/09/2013 12:35

If your child had been holding open the door for someone, then it would have been nice if he had been thanked but actually in reality wasn't he just playing with the button that opens the door?! Now I'm sure my kids would love to play with that button and door but in our chemist it would have been frowned upon by the assistant.