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AIBU?

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Original poster

was i right to tell my ds not to apologise to this woman??

578 replies

mummyjs · 09/09/2013 21:22

my ds (4) and i were in the chemist waiting for a prescription.
my ds was stood by the door pressing the button to open it for people to come in and out and smiling at them and chatting away, people were saying than you and he was smiling and saying your welcome ect.
Anyway this older lady came in and he opened the door for him and she gave him a horrible look and barged past him. He said to her 'its nice to say thank you', which is something i drill into him so i suppose its my fault in a way. anyway she shouted at him 'how dare you speak to a adult that way' and then told me that i should control him and make him say sorry to her.
I have to admit my back was put up by the nasty tone in her voice and told her that i would not tell him to apologise, he was right, its rude not to say thank you and that a woman of her age should not need a lesson in manners from a 4 year old.
anyway she barged back out saying something along the lines of parents who dont control their kids ect.
was i being unreasonable? if he had of said anything rude to her then of course i would have made him say sorry, but i honestly dont think he was the rude one in this??

OP posts:
TheOriginalSteamingNit · 10/09/2013 10:01

Well each to his or her own, but I don't think a four year old should be telling an adult woman - whom he doesn't know - how to behave! 'Mummy, say thank you!' is one thing, but not adults they don't know.

I think there's a split between people who think that adults and 4 year olds are just the same and should be accorded the same respect, and people who feel that adults are due a bit of respect from children.

I don't really see why she should be minding her ps and qs with a little boy who was, basically, having a fun but probably quite irritating time messing around with a button. Yes, it's nice to humour him by saying 'gosh thanks, I couldn't have managed to get through the electric door without your help', but it's not really ok to pull up a random woman for not playing along.

curlew · 10/09/2013 10:02

"Do people rally think the four year old was being rude? That is just assuming his "thank you, nice to see you today" had a sarcastic tone to it because the lady didnt say thank you. "

He said "It's nice to say thank you"

4 year olds do not correct adult's manners.

ChardonnayMacandrew · 10/09/2013 10:07

I don't like precocious children so I 'm probably biased on this topic.

Listentomum · 10/09/2013 10:08

Well I completely miss read that Grin thanks for pointing it out.

Listentomum · 10/09/2013 10:09

But still good on him Grin

Pagwatch · 10/09/2013 10:09
Grin

Personally I love it when parents think everyone is enjoying their child's game.

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 10:13

Oh fgs, this child has been called a cheeky little git but there are shocked faces at this woman being called an old bag.

Anyone would be pissed off if their child was spoken to like that, and don't pretend you wouldn't.

I don't give a flying welly how old someone is. Manners are free and he's four years old ffs.

Smile and say thank you, it's not hard is it? My kids will always hold a door open for someone coming in behind them. The amount of times they're completely ignored gets my back up. They don't say anything themselves but I'm right in there with a sarcastic "thank you".

MCos · 10/09/2013 10:14

Personally I love it when parents think everyone is enjoying their child's game.
^That

And you were very rude.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 10/09/2013 10:16

OP lots do posters are saying your son was rude. I know he wasn't meaning to be, as he's only 4, but he was rude and children shouldn't be correcting adults. The woman was obviously being a miserable bag, but that doesn't mean your son was in the right! You are asking if YABU, and you are. You don't seem to want to accept it tho, so not sure why you asked?

Therealamandaclarke · 10/09/2013 10:17

On hearing him "correct" her I probably would have said something to him. It's not polite for children (or anyone really) to pull strangers up on matters of etiquette.
He was playing a game and she was a bit grumpy IMHO, not to have said thank you. But it was a game for him. she wasn't really being rude to not thank him.
In her position i would have said "thank you" (I think) because it's automatic todo so when someone opens a door and because I'd be joining in with his game.
If, for some reason, I hadn't said thank you (sometimes ppl don't always see what's going on or they're thinking about something else) I would have been cross at being corrected by him. Child or not tbh. Ifi was in a good mood I would have laughed and agreed with him I expect.
But, I wouldn't have mentioned it to you.
And in your position I wouldn't have made him apologise.
IYSWIM.

Therealamandaclarke · 10/09/2013 10:18

Yes original I agree.

PartyOrganisor · 10/09/2013 10:25

Sorry but she was rude not to say thank you. A lot of other people have been able to go into the shop, realize what he was doing and saying thank you. Because that's what you do when people do that to you. Whether it's a child or an adult.
Since when having a child in front you allows you to forget your manners??

He was also rude but in a different way. Obviously you don't speak to people like this and correct them. But he is a 4yo little boy who hasn't learnt everything yet. So rude yes but from not knowing rather from being grumpy and total lack of politeness iyswim?

And the OP got grumpy from what she saw as an attack on her son. And tbh, is it not just as rude to make comment like this, shouting, telling someone that they are bad parents in the muddle of a shop?

So we have a grumpy lady being rude, a child being rude but lack of knowledge and a mum being rude, a reaction from the rudeness of the first woman... No one was right there.

What I do take offence is for people to think it's OK to talk about an 'grumpy old bag' or 'an awful little git' when taking about the woman and the child....

littlemisswise · 10/09/2013 10:28

TBH, bottleofbeer, she wouldn't have had chance to have spoken to my children like that because I would have been right in there ticking them off for daring to be so rude and telling them to apologise.

I am sick of reading on here, "on but they're 4" "oh but they're 3" "oh they're only babies". It is no wonder there are so many rude children about.

By the time mine were 4, 3.8 in DS2's case, they were at school. Do you think the teacher would have turned round and said thank you if the OP's DS had been so precocious to her? No she wouldn't, she'd of reminded him of his manners.

littlemisswise · 10/09/2013 10:29

she'd have* reminded him Blush

Sirzy · 10/09/2013 10:38

I agree littlemiss. But then I wouldn't have been letting him play with the door anyway.

Encouraging children to hold a door open when they are going through it is great. Allowing them to play with a door and then expect people to be greatful is different.

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 10:42

Once, when my daughter was about two and a half we were in a queue in the post office. A woman behind me absolutely stank, it was eye watering. She noticed my little girl and bent down to say hello to her. I knew what was coming, it was like a train coming for you with no time to move out of the way.

"Mum, that lady stinks".

Kids DO say cheeky/horrible things and yes age is the single biggest factor in WHY they do it. Now at eight years old she wouldn't dream of saying that and in time nor will the OPs son.

There's been every excuse for this woman under the sun for why she didn't say thank you and show basic manners that a four year old understood and this kid is just a cheeky little git apparently.

If we can't excuse a child's behaviour (before they're even mature enough to understand it properly) then we shouldn't be excusing this woman's horrible manners either.

PartyOrganisor · 10/09/2013 10:42

littlemiss, I would expect the teacher to say something because it's her role.
I wouldn't expect a stranger to do so because it's not.

Having said that, I would have explained to my dc about not saying things like this. I would never have shouted at them and talked to them the way that woman has. Because I think it's a rude way to talk to people and telling off/explaining manners to a child do not need to be done a rude way.

Akray · 10/09/2013 10:46

Your DS sounds like a cheeky brat ~ should have been standing with you, not playing doorman.

Woman was OTT.

What a charming pairSmile

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 10:49

If a child said that to me, I'd feel rightly told and say something like "oh, sorry love, didn't see you there. You're right, thank you".

Because I'd have been bad mannered for not thanking him for opening the door for me and it'd help his mum sending the message to him that manners are a good thing.

But then I tend not to think of kids as brats. I quite like them :)

kali110 · 10/09/2013 10:52

I think you were all wrong. The ds was rude, however he is young and learning. It doesnt make it right but understandable. The lady was bu to have shouted at him however can understand why she was angry your son was rude to her.you had a chance to teach your son yet you were just as rude to her.

littlemisswise · 10/09/2013 10:52

Age is a factor, but instead of getting snippy with a woman who didn't have to say thank you to a child who was playing with a door for his own enjoyment, the OP should have been explaining to him why it is so very rude to comment on a stranger's manners, and asking him to apologise to her. How else do you think he will learn? He is now thinking it is OK for him to correct people he has never met before, and it is not!

Bottle I hope you told your DD off for saying that about that woman. I would have died, tbh.

bottleofbeer · 10/09/2013 10:54

Of course I didn't tell my precious little petal off! I said "you're right darling, she really does stink doesn't she? how do we stop ourselves from smelling like a wet dog? that's right precious, we use soap".

It was a good opportunity to learn about personal hygiene.

Wha.....?

DalmationDots · 10/09/2013 10:57

It wasn't deliberately rude but if your DS goes to school and picks EVERYONE, including the headteacher, up on when their manners slip then he will be a huge PITA and come across as very bossy.

I teach primary and if a child in my class comes and constantly tells on other children or is seen over-correcting other children's behaviour then I would take that child to one side and calmly and gently tell them that it is great that they know the rules and have such good manners but that they need to let me deal with the other children. But that if it is hurting them or upsetting them, then they should tell me.

Yes she was rude and a bad role model to your DS. But equally he was being probably a bit irritating and was obnoxious to correct her.
He will learn the balance between rudeness which is hurtful and not acceptable and rudeness which is rude but harmless as he gets older :)

PartyOrganisor · 10/09/2013 11:04

a woman who didn't have to say thank you to a child who was playing with a door for his own enjoyment

I don't quite understand that one.
Children play all the time. Their play is their way to learn. He was 'playing' at being nice to people by opening the door for them. How wrong can that be?
If he had being playing at opening the door (ie opening and closing with no need for it) then that would have been another issue but clearly that wasn't the case here.

This child has today learnt that when you do something nice like opening a door, some people will be polite and say than you but others will just be 'old grumpy bags' (regardless of their age!) and take it badly, think they don't have to be polite because ... he is just a child and playing, how inconsiderate .
:(:(

SaucyJack · 10/09/2013 11:15

This child has today learnt that when you do something nice like opening a door, some people will be polite and say than you but others will just be 'old grumpy bags'

And you think think this is a bad thing because.........?

For the billionth time, not everybody wants to play along nicely with other people's children (or other people full stop). This is entirely their right, and the sooner parents and children deal with it the better.

(Unless you want your sons to grow up to be those slightly leery types who harrass young women at bus stops because their don't wish to hear their life stories..........)