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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if money is no object you buy a house that fits your children / grandchildren?

105 replies

wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 00:25

If you were buying a second home within a couple of hours of your children's house, and money was no object, wouldn't you go for two bed rather than one so your grandchildren & children could visit you? (You live 5 hours away normally).

My parents are doing this. They're spending £1m on a second home (a flat in London, where they lived until recently) and have decided to look at 1 bed flats.

I feel hurt by this. If I had such an enormous sum of money to spend on a property I'd make sure it had enough room for my family to visit, wouldn't you? We have two young children and the practicalities are that we will visit them much less if we can only see them 5 hours away. If there's no room for us in the London flat we'll hardly see them. They don't bother to come visit us (my mum has probably been to my house about 10 times since I left home 25 years ago).

It seems to me that we're way down my mum's priority list and it hurts. (We'll tbh I've always known this so I don't know why I'm surprised but it hurts to have it confirmed again none the less). I wouldn't mind if they couldn't afford it, or only lived in the one house 5 hours away, or were looking at one beds but keen to make sure a sofa bed fits for us. But it's none of them, it's just not an important consideration for them.

(Regular but namechanged as I'm paranoid a family member might read this btw!)

To be clear, I'm asking if IABU to feel upset at this? I'm aware my parents can do whatever they choose to with their money and their life, that's up to them, but I want to know - would this upset you?

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 09/09/2013 00:30

Well I'm sure they have their own lives to live! It's not healthy to live life through your kids

Maybe they enjoy child free time and only want to visit/see grand kids rather than have them staying over?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2013 00:33

Surely if they are buying a second home nearer you, that means you wouldn't have to stay and could spend lovely days out in London and go home to your respective homes.

I am so jealous I could scream, BTW. 1 million on a flat. Envy

soundevenfruity · 09/09/2013 00:39

Is it in Covent garden so they can go to Royal opera house and generally lead carefree life? Or they are buying in the area they used to live in to be closer to their friends? Either way it doesn't look like they are keen on babysitting.

LUKYMUM · 09/09/2013 00:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But unfortunately if you already have a shaky relationship, it sounds like it's just not important to them. Try not to take it personally and try to enjoy the time you do get with them, but don't give them priority if they don't.

eretrew · 09/09/2013 00:42

If its near your home, why would you be staying over?

VodIsGod · 09/09/2013 00:43

Yes I'd be hurt. But it sounds as if this is just the latest thing your parents have done to make you feel unimportant in their lives. You can't change them. But you can tell them how their decisions make you feel? But I know from my own experience that's easier said than done....

stopgap · 09/09/2013 00:47

It sounds like the potential new place is closer (within two hours) but not exactly around the corner.

I would feel very hurt, actually, and I hate to say it, but maybe it's time to accept that your mother is not the person you would like her to be. My husband had to come to the same painful conclusion about his father (who has seen my sonhis grandchildfor about three hours total since my son's birth two years ago). Are there other family members that you could perhaps forge close relationships with?

OldBagWantsNewBag · 09/09/2013 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

escape · 09/09/2013 00:59

I get you. It's incredibly hard, even as an adult, and even after years of ' acceptance' to know that your parent/s are not the type you'd want them to be/should be. It never stops hurting, however small or deliberate the 'rejection' - it stays and is another try of the knife.
On one hand, they have every right to do what they want with their money, and no one is obliged to baby sit or host anyone, blood or not. On the other hand, YANBU, and I feel for you on that score.

Original poster
wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 01:26

Thanks everyone, I was a bit scared of posting in AIBU! But my relationship with my mum isn't normal, it never has been, I forget that sometimes though. It's reassuring to feel others would feel the same. I used to get told I was being "hypersensitive" if I got upset by being rejected or belittled when I was younger.

stopgap "I hate to say it, but maybe it's time to accept that your mother is not the person you would like her to be." She so nearly is! I wish she was the same person, but simply that she wanted to spend time with me / chat to me on the phone / have the grandkids over. I wish she was interested in my life and wanted to spend time with her grandkids.

escape yes, that's exactly it. It's yet another twist of the knife. I need to find a way to toughen up and stop being hurt by this.

VidIsGod "You can't change them. But you can tell them how their decisions make you feel?" Yes I am going to have a go at telling them. When I realised that they were looking at one beds, I asked my mum outright if they were looking for a place that we could visit. She said "well that depends on how uncomfortable you're prepared to be. We could get some blow up beds for the front room". They're not actively excluding us from this, it's just that we don't feature on their list of requirements for the new place. We're not a priority.

If I had £1m to spend on a place you can be sure there would be a room in it for my grandchildren! But I've never understood her approach to family. I have felt like I'm unimportant to her, like the emotional attachment is missing, all my life. When my best friend emigrated when I was 10, she hugged me and I tried to hug her back, but I didn't know how because no one had hugged me in years. God that sounds like bring the fucking violins out doesn't it?! I'm not trying to do woe-is-me, just trying to illustrate that this is not a normal mother-child relationship IMO.

The thing is I don't think my mum even understands how upsetting her behaviour is. I think if she really understood how rejected she's made me feel over the years she'd be devastated, I imagine. But I'm not sure she's even capable of understanding. I used to try to get through to her, but gave up some years back. This one was an unexpected sideways blow though.

OP posts:
Original poster
wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 01:32

stopgap we're a very small family. No close relatives on either side.

OldBagWantsNewBag we're not bad houseguests honest! Nor do they want to get away from people descending on them, at least I don't think so.

OP posts:
Original poster
wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 01:40

MrsTerryPratchett they're baby boomers. Bought a family home in a rough area on two graduates' salaries 40 years ago for £14K. Now the area's been gentrified and the house is worth £1.2m. London house price rises are insane.

OP posts:
CHJR · 09/09/2013 01:40

In London, £1 m will not afford 2 bedrooms.

CHJR · 09/09/2013 01:42

If they are now closer maybe they plan to stay with you so dGC are not disrupted?

Original poster
wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 01:50

There are plenty of flats in London with 2 beds for £1m!

They used to live in London until very recently. They never come to stay with us. Actually, they did come to visit the week after the baby was born but stayed in a B&B. Mum considers our house roughing it I think. We don't have a spare room, but I'd give up our bed for them and sleep on the blow up mattress if I though she'd stay, but she wouldn't.

In fact, she has visited me in my own house less than 10 times in the 25 years I left home, and has never stayed over. Their new house is too far to do in a day.

MIL is here at the moment as it happens. She's very happy to stay with us. When she's here she sleeps in DS's bed (which is actually very comfortable) and he comes in with us.

OP posts:
goodasgold · 09/09/2013 02:00

Wow . I feel for you because they have enough money . So they could have a three bed place and a cleaner. I think you should tell them how much it hurts you .

HerRoyalNotness · 09/09/2013 02:07

If it was me of course I'd buy a place where family and friends can come and stay. Will they let you use the place if you fancy a trip to London without them there?

Original poster
wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 02:15

"Will they let you use the place if you fancy a trip to London without them there?" Dunno. I had a key to the old place and was welcome to stay but that was the family home, and there was plenty of room.

I can't see my mum being comfortable about anyone else sleeping in her bed, so I guess not.

Also in the old place they liked me being there if they weren't, so someone could water the flowers / keep the burglars away. The whole point of this new place is it's to be low maintenance so there's nothing in it for them tp have us there.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 09/09/2013 06:19

CHJR, what makes you think that? THIS flat is on the market in a great location for the £1m mark.

midnightinmoscow · 09/09/2013 06:37

I have a very difficult relationship with my parents too. It is one of the most painful things I have had to face. Like you OP, I am very much down on their list of priorities, and I can honestly say that they do not have unconditional love for me.

However, I'd think seriously hard about talking to them about it. I doubt they would ever see what they are doing is painful for you and that you feel rejected. If they did, the why would they do it? My feeling is that you would just endure more pain if you have that conversation.

The best thing I ever did was to stop hoping my parents would do or act in a way that 'normal' parents would. I lowered my expectations. It hurt like hell, and I was so bloody angry during that period, I actually feel that I had to bereve the relationship that never was.

Now, I expect nothing and am rarely disappointed by them. I get love, warmth and acceptance from DH and my DC's.

I have a smug smile at times though when I know that they will never has this from me.

Good luck.

FatimaLovesBread · 09/09/2013 06:56

£1m won't afford two bedrooms?!! Where on earth are you looking.
So everyone on MN who live in London either are crammed in to one bedroom or all have £1.5mill+ houses Confused

What area is she looking in OP? V central?
I'd feel the same if it was me Sad

Bunbaker · 09/09/2013 06:57

When we bought our house we went for a 4 bedroom even though there are only 3 of us because we needed the spare rooms for when family came to stay. We only need one spare room now, so I expect we will downsize to a 3 bed for our next house.

So I think it is odd, but I am family orientated. I couldn't imagine treating DD like that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/09/2013 07:01

CHCR
1 m in London can get a lovely family home, so sorry, that's not true

OP, YANBU

alpinemeadow · 09/09/2013 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frogspoon · 09/09/2013 07:27

YABU

They have moved nearer to you, so they can see you and your DCs much more easily, without the need to stay over.

Also, my grandparents lived in a small 1 bed flat (couldn't afford more) and my siblings and I used to go over and stay all the time on blow-up beds in the living room (not usually all at the same time!)

I would be more concerned about the fact that they are presumably fairly old (grandparents) and are moving into a flat. Unless it is on the ground floor, that sounds a pretty stupid idea to me. What are they going to do when they can no longer climb the stairs? And having a lift makes no difference, I know several elderly people who were trapped in their flats for days when the lift broke down.

I would stay on good terms with them even if you don't get on, if they can afford to spend £1m on a second home, you should be in line for a pretty decent inheritance.