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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if money is no object you buy a house that fits your children / grandchildren?

105 replies

wigglytoes · 09/09/2013 00:25

If you were buying a second home within a couple of hours of your children's house, and money was no object, wouldn't you go for two bed rather than one so your grandchildren & children could visit you? (You live 5 hours away normally).

My parents are doing this. They're spending £1m on a second home (a flat in London, where they lived until recently) and have decided to look at 1 bed flats.

I feel hurt by this. If I had such an enormous sum of money to spend on a property I'd make sure it had enough room for my family to visit, wouldn't you? We have two young children and the practicalities are that we will visit them much less if we can only see them 5 hours away. If there's no room for us in the London flat we'll hardly see them. They don't bother to come visit us (my mum has probably been to my house about 10 times since I left home 25 years ago).

It seems to me that we're way down my mum's priority list and it hurts. (We'll tbh I've always known this so I don't know why I'm surprised but it hurts to have it confirmed again none the less). I wouldn't mind if they couldn't afford it, or only lived in the one house 5 hours away, or were looking at one beds but keen to make sure a sofa bed fits for us. But it's none of them, it's just not an important consideration for them.

(Regular but namechanged as I'm paranoid a family member might read this btw!)

To be clear, I'm asking if IABU to feel upset at this? I'm aware my parents can do whatever they choose to with their money and their life, that's up to them, but I want to know - would this upset you?

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 09/09/2013 18:30

I didn't say, it wouldn't upset me at all. I'd be pleased if my parents treated themselves to something extravagant that would make them happy.

celticclan · 09/09/2013 20:11

If your parents have a spare bedroom at their main house I don't really see what the problem is.

JustinBsMum · 09/09/2013 21:40

I don't wish to be rude much

HatieKokpins · 09/09/2013 21:50

My point remains, their house, their choice. Daughter's house, daughter's choice. Imagine if a mother was insisting any daughter on here bought a house purely to accommodate GPs, on the odd occasions they deigned to visit! Mumsnet would be up in arms! Double standards much?

CHJR · 09/09/2013 21:56

Well I dunno, sounds a bit late in theprocess to say this (their process of deciding, not this thread, I mean), but they are kind of doing this the wrong way round, aren't they. Unless they have other family 5 hours away they should consider having less space at their far-away "main" house and more in London, for their own good too. I never understand why people "retire" away from public transport, services, and above all family. A London flat will definitely cost more now but go up faster in value too. Once my DC leave home for good (or two of them anyway) I would love to have the £££ (and more £££££) to live right on top of a Tube station in london's congestion charging zone. What do they want the big far away house for? That might be what they really should ponder.

HatieKokpins · 09/09/2013 22:07

Or, they buy the property they, you know, actually want.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/09/2013 22:15

Just because they aren't doing it the way you would like, you feel low on their priorities.
I hardly saw my parents, ok they kept the family home so we could go and stay, but they didn't invite us often and we couldn't go much because of dhs work.
They have done their child rearing and want to do things their way. Maybe the one bedroom is all they think they can deal with.
Not all gps are hands on, it doesn't mean they care any less.

Lisavarna · 09/09/2013 22:19

I used to get told I was being "hypersensitive" if I got upset by being rejected or belittled when I was younger.

OP I feel for you, and do not think you are being unreasonable. I think it is bloody awful when children have a normal sensitive response, and then are belittle for that or called oversensitive. What that does is teach the child that their feelings and responses are unworthy of attention, big way to crush their sense of themselves and self esteem. I would like to slap every parent that does this to their child.

You parents are, for whatever reason and unfortunately a reason beyond your making or control, are emotionally detached, they (or your dm) probably cannot help it, and are unlikely to change at this point in your life.

I think your response is perfectly understandable and normal, and i feel that it might not do any harm to point out you are hurt. It may not change anything, but what have you got to lose?

GingerBlackAndOriental · 09/09/2013 22:23

As far as I'm concerned YANBU, and I'm definitely not jealous they're spending a million on a 1 bed flat.

What a waste of money. IMO

fuckwittery · 09/09/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeedTheBirdsTuppenceABag · 09/09/2013 22:42

I also feel for you OP.

TBH it doesn't really matter if its one bed, my DF has a one bed and I don't mind sleeping in the living room, if he had got us a sofa bed to sleep on oh and the loo was stable and not about to fall through the floor....

If she had made ways or voices about accommodating you in other ways, it wouldn't be so bad. Sadly as others have said you need to lower your expectations right down. Then so does she.

I have skimmed the thread so don't know how much time she expects to see her GC in.

You seem to have a nice MIL, focus on her, speak to your dad in a casual way about lack of space....I couldn't help but be passive A about it....and lower your expectations and be brave and put your foot down with her too, start to disentangle yourself emotionally.

CHJR · 09/09/2013 22:46

I still wanna know what the place far away is for. Have they always longed to ride horses or sail or farm or something?
P.s. fuckwittery if you ever can afford £1M for a flat don't spend it all on the flat. Remember stamp duty, solicitor's fees, moving vans, and more or less inevitable repainting.

LittleBearPad · 09/09/2013 23:16

There seem to be a lot of assumptions in your relationship with your mother, OP. You don't think she wants to visit you, you don't think she'll let you stay at the pied a terre etc. Maybe you need to work on your relationship with your mother - does it need to be as distant as it seems.

I assume the 'country' house will be larger etc. I think they assume you'll visit them there rightly or wrongly and despite a five hour drive this isn't impossible for a weekend.

Maybe you should invite them to your house more often, don't assum they will say no - they may surprise you.

sooperdooper · 09/09/2013 23:42

I think it's their choice and they'll be the ones living there, my patents are considering downsizing to a bungalow soon, the fact there'll possibly be no spare room for us to stay hadn't been high in my thoughts tbh, it'll be easier for them and that's what's most important

Mimishimi · 10/09/2013 07:40

I thought it was normal for grandparents to sell the larger home and move into a small apartment eventually. My grandfather is doing this and I don't think he is trying to slight us by moving into a bedsit. Maybe your parents would like to live closer to theater/restaurants/galleries in their twilight years and a small place will be easier for them to clean. YABU.

kelda · 10/09/2013 07:43

YANBU. It is sad that they have so much money and they are still not considering their own family.

kelda · 10/09/2013 07:44

It makes me so grateful for my own parents, who converted their loft on their small house so we can stay over any time we like. And they did that not because they have a lot of money (they don't), but because they want to see their daughter and grandchildren.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 10/09/2013 07:53

Inheritance.

Pollywallywinkles · 10/09/2013 08:00

Why should an adult child with a family of her own be a priority for a parents spending/accommodation choices?

You've made a lot of assumtions based on the far from perfect relationship you have have with your mother and see their choice of accommodation as a further slight.

When I was younger I would have thought more about having a spare room for visitors, but not now when I'm older. Your parents are doing what is right for them, what you want as an independent adult shouldn't come into the equation.

There are other ways of forging a good relationship with your parents, rather than shacking up in a spare bedroom in London periodically.

kelda · 10/09/2013 08:05

Pollywallywinkles - I hope I never have that attitude regarding my own children.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 08:37

There isn't any one right way to be a mother, or to act with your children. Just because someone is different doesn't make them wrong.
There is a whole lot of blame here.

hatsybatsy · 10/09/2013 09:01

I'm really sorry you have a bad relationship with your mother.

BUT YABU. They're changing their lifestyle and the London pad will give them somewhere lovely to crash when they're in town. Why on earth should they assume you will all want to visit?

As and when you want to visit, you can make a weekend of it and go to their larger house. 5 hours is very do-able you know.

I just think you are taking everything very personally - she probably thinks she is doing you a favour by staying in a b&b rather than forcing you to sleep on an airbed when she comes to visit. But you take offence at that.

You are overthinking this - and to imply that your Dad hasn't thought this through is just insulting. If you question him on that then you are risking harming that relationship.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 10/09/2013 09:11

OP I understand how you feel. I have parents who seem entirely unconcerned about whether they see us or not, and that hurts - how could it not?

The bottom line is, if parents and grown-up children don't live near each other - not near enough to visit for a day - then someone has to stay somewhere. Either in each other's houses, or in a hotel or similar nearby. Not everyone can afford the latter option as more than an occasional thing (if that).

My parents live nine hours' drive away from us, in a pretty (and remote!) place in the countryside that they retired to. I haven't seen them - and they haven't seen their grandchildren - for 15 months. For a good number of years we always went to see them a couple of times a year, renting a holiday cottage near their home for a week at a time (because their house was tiny) - but it was very expensive and used up big chunks of annual leave. They haven't been to visit us for five years. Of course, as lots of people will no doubt say, they are entirely free to live in the area they want, in the house they want, and get on with their lives while we get on with ours (which seems to be the way they want things) - but it makes me sad that we are so low on their priority list.

Pollywallywinkles · 10/09/2013 09:21

Kelda, whats wrong with not prioritising the needs of independent adult children when making a property purchase? I didn't say not to take adult children and their family into account, I said prioritise.

I certainly wouldn't want my parents to prioritise their housing choice on me and my family, or my siblings and their families. Their home, their money, their choice as far as I'm concerned. Their needs should be paramount especially as they are getting older. A spare room is a bonus, not an expectation that I should have, or ask my parents to consider. The same would apply to my adult children; they must prioritise their own needs above any wish I may have to stay over occasionally.

LightTheLampNotTheRat · 10/09/2013 09:31

Polly what you say is true - but it also means that families might not see each other much. Which may of course be the way they want things.

If parents want to see their children and grandchildren, and they have enough money to choose a bigger or smaller house (obviously not an option that everyone will have), then choosing something small and cramped means that family who don't live nearby won't be able to stay. The onus is then on the parents to travel and visit - if they wish to see children/grandchildren. If they then don't do that (despite physical fitness and financial resources - obviously some people can't travel) - what else is there to conclude, other than they just don't care very much whether they see you or not? The issue then is bigger/deeper than housing and numbers of bedrooms!